When I walked through the red dust of reality, I felt that my life was even smaller, and it turned out that above the dark clouds, there was sunshine.

Today, when I went to Mingjiao Temple again, I prayed all the way, hoping that Master Xianci was still alive and well. Today, under his guidance, I can once again enter the Buddhist sect and devote myself to cultivation.

Thinking back to one afternoon twenty years ago, the sky was also gloomy, and the moment I stepped through the temple gate, I seemed to feel an unprecedented emptiness and silence. I was at a loss in my heart, and suddenly I was like a meteor at night, and I passed away.

That feeling appeared for the first time when I stepped through the temple gate.

However, before that, I didn't know that Buddhism existed in reality. Maybe it was influenced by Jin Yong's martial arts novels, or maybe it was when he was young, on the Hehuai Road of Yangmiao, a monk in a coffee-colored monk's robe, kneeling step by step on the road, kept moving away, and left an impact in curiosity!

Anyway, he was still a thirteen-year-old kid at the time, and he looked very curious, and he couldn't help but think, "Why did he do this?" ”

So, standing there, looking at his kneeling figure, I thought for a long time, but it was difficult to understand.

However, for some reason, I seem to be able to feel that he has a gloomy, calm, persistent heart. That feeling, like the fog before dawn, faintly, there always seems to be some images, plausible existence!

At that time, I wanted to run over and ask him, but I was a little afraid that he would abduct the child, so I was a little scared, and then I stood there silently for a long time, and finally returned home before nightfall!

Since then, the questions raised by this real-life event have lingered in my mind for many years. Especially after reading Jin Yong's martial arts novels, I found that the monks described in it were even more envious.

Although, at that time, I still didn't know what a Buddha was, but I knew that their bald monks had a heart of selfless dedication and were willing to sacrifice themselves for the unconditional fulfillment of others! I think it's so great, it's admirable.

However, at that time, although I was young and didn't know anything about anything, I always felt that between heaven and earth, behind everything, there were certain corresponding laws. Because, as if I could feel the existence of such laws, I could not put into words any indication of their existence!

It wasn't until later, when I gradually entered my youth, that I had a strong sense of self, and I began to have my own thinking and expression system, as if at that time, I had the consciousness to discuss these issues with others, but I didn't expect that whenever I asked others such questions, I was often in a difficult way to get answers, but I continued to reap blows.

At first, I always didn't understand, I thought it was all common sense questions, but you don't understand, why don't you want to think about it? I'm telling you today, why do you still say that I have a problem with my brain?

But what you say, why do I think it's always normal? At most, I just feel that what you say doesn't mean much to your whole life.

And in your eyes, eating, drinking, having fun, and getting ahead, in the final analysis, isn't it just like smoke, and the feeling that it will easily disappear? Is this feeling realistic? Does it really make sense? You feel like I have them all, but why can't I be as obsessed with them as you are? And immerse yourself in it?

Don't you want to know what it was like before you were born? How did you come to this world? Why walk through the world again? If you die, what will it look like?

How big is this universe? You say it's infinitely big, but what's out there about infinity?

It wasn't until later, when all my family, and even everyone who knew me, started to think that something was wrong with my brain, that I started to get a little scared.

Because, I always think in my heart, maybe there is really something wrong with my brain, otherwise, why do everyone say that I am different from others and say that I have a problem?

It wasn't until many years later that I met a Cao Cao-type braggart who told me: "If you run slowly, others will make you stupid, and if you run fast, others will call you crazy, you will be fast and slow, and others will say that you have a problem, and you can only be considered normal if you are consistent with them..."

Unexpectedly, this sentence is like a good elixir, and it inadvertently solves a lot of confusion in my heart. Am I running fast? Or is it slow? Or is it a different way to do it?

So, I started researching myself, studying others, and I wanted to know those laws behind human behavior!

And while I get to know them, I try to be consistent with them. If they say sugar is delicious, I say, "It's sweet." If they say that if you are rich, others will look up to you, I will say, being a rich man, that is my life's ideal. If they say, "That girl is so pretty," I'll say, "This is the love of my life...

In short, for a long time, I felt like I was living in a world of lies. But it soon became clear that no one seemed to say that I had a problem with my brain. On the contrary, some people say that you are very smart and cute!

However, this kind of world of lies is depressing, but there is nothing to be done.

As a result, in the days of wandering, leaving the house. I think no one knows me anyway, so it doesn't matter how I say I have a problem with my brain.

At that time, I felt like a bird that had been released, and although I was afraid of the feeling of losing my home, I felt that I could ask questions casually like Socrates, or even sleep casually like a pig...

As a result, a few years later, the people of the rivers and lakes called the mentally handicapped master, the frog prince, the Sherlock Holmes...

However, when this mentally handicapped master, many years ago, at the moment of entering the temple for the first time, with a bit of the smell of seeing through the red dust, deceived the ticket seller, and stole the Bodhisattva's apple, he felt like Zhou Botong and found the virtuous master.

At that time, I felt that I was well-dressed and a little bit of a young man, and sat opposite him. However, I feel that he seems to be far less majestic than the monk in the novel.

However, at that time, I felt that I was no longer a child, and had become a young chivalrous man, so I thought in my heart, I must have quality, and I can't look down on people!

Although I think he has a bare head in his thirties and a small and delicate face, since he can be filled with a bit of maturity and chic, maybe he is really like in martial arts novels, a hidden monk.

Therefore, I must be like Hui Ke back then, and regard him as Dharma.

However, when he looked at me, he began to ask, "Why do you want to become a monk?" ”

Without hesitation, I replied seriously: "I don't know why I want to become a monk, I always feel that life is nothing more than eating and drinking, I feel very boring, and I don't want to do things every day!" Say what you don't want to say. The truth is often unspeakable, lies often have to be said, good things sometimes can't be done, but sometimes bad things can't be done, it's too tiring! ”

When he heard this, he seemed very satisfied, and he probably thought that I was really a Buddha. Then, he asked unhurriedly, "Then what are your hobbies?" ”

Hearing him ask like this, I suddenly said as if I had found a bosom friend: "I like to read, qigong, Zhou Yi, fortune telling, psychology... And I like to sleep, smoke, and seem to like pretty girls! ”

I thought he would praise me when I heard it, but who knew that as soon as I finished speaking, he suddenly couldn't help laughing!

However, he didn't know, I deliberately said that I like girls to tease him, otherwise he will be the same as my family, thinking that I have a problem with my brain, what if he doesn't accept me as a monk?

But in fact, I didn't lie to him, I really like girls, and it was because of my broken love that I ran to the temple, half-truths and half-truths to be monks!

However, he seemed to see it very quickly, because he seemed to start throwing an olive branch to me and saying: "Becoming a monk is a big thing, only a person of great wisdom can do it, and if you want to become a monk, you can't read those books anymore, and you can't smoke cigarettes anymore..."

When I heard it at that time, I felt that only a great wise person could do it, and I thought, this is amazing, then my little wisdom, as soon as I become a monk, isn't it the opposite of becoming a great wisdom?

Originally, it was just a half-truth, or even just boring, but I didn't expect that when I heard him say this, I suddenly felt a little awake, and I almost didn't think about it anymore, so I immediately decided to leave home immediately!

However, after thinking about it for a long time, I didn't know what this monk was going to do.

Then I asked, "How will you live after you become a monk?" Do you meditate and chant Buddha every day? ”

When he heard this, he immediately said, "You are still young, and when you have gone through the training period when you become a monk, after two and a half years, I will officially shave your ordination and send you to a Buddhist college for further study..."

When I heard it at the time, I felt even more terrible. It turns out that being a monk still has to engage in learning, not just meditating and chanting Buddha, which seems to be more troublesome than being a person, and I am a little scared when I think about it.

However, for some reason, I think inexplicably that I will be a generation of monks in the future, a bowl of thousands of meals, traveling thousands of miles alone, the world is big, wandering all over the world, homeless everywhere, that kind of ancient loneliness and romance, is really great!

So, after thinking about it, without hesitation, I decided to become a monk immediately!

However, he didn't think about it and said: "Becoming a monk is a big deal, you need the consent of your parents, you bring your parents' consent certificate, and I will arrange for you to go to an isolated island in Hainan to ensure that you have basic food, and you can live independently there for two and a half years, if you can bear the pain of loneliness in Qingxiu, you can come back and officially shave your ordination and enter the Buddhist college!" ”

Hearing this, I suddenly felt so troublesome, this is not a problem to live in the tomb of the dead for three years, then the isolated island is even more romantic, I will treat it as a chivalrous island, and go to compete with the little fish! But why does this require parental consent? I just said that it is okay to go out and work?

However, he had to say no, this rule was that way. In desperation, I had no choice but to return home with the mood of returning to my hometown with honor!

However, just as he was leaving, he suddenly asked, "Is there any money?" ”

At that time, I was stunned and thought, "This monk doesn't want to accompany the chat, right?" ”

Then, I hesitated and said, "No!" ”

"Oh!" So how did you get here?

In order to express the sincerity of the monk, he said without hesitation: "I came to become a monk, and when I became a monk, the money seemed to be useless, so after getting off the bus, I gave the rest of the money to the beggar..."

At this time, I realized that he might be deliberately looking for an opportunity to buy my heart to become a monk!

Because, then he said, "And how much do you need to go home?" ”

I was a little moved when I heard this, so I said directly: "Four yuan!" ”

Unexpectedly, as soon as I finished speaking, he immediately got up and took out a five-yuan bill from the back cabinet and handed it to me!

Unexpectedly, in an instant, it made me feel a little incredible. I thought to myself, if I knew you were so generous, then I should have said more!

If you give me more money, let me eat and drink well, have fun, and then accompany you to be a monk, wouldn't that be the icing on the scene?

However, when I thought about money, eating, drinking, and having fun, it suddenly occurred to me that I was still a virgin and so handsome! Isn't it a bit of a waste to think that just being a monk like this? Then when others say that I have a problem, wouldn't I be unable to wash it by jumping into the Yellow River?

However, if you think about it, forget it, anyway, you can still be vulgar in the future, it's a big deal to find a nun and give birth to a little monk, doesn't it prove that I'm fine?

So, in the midst of a bit of fun and cranky thinking, I finally arrived home soon!

But it's a pity that I was young at that time, because I still had little experience, and even worse, I was still in the period of falling out of love. Therefore, under the angry reprimand of my brother-in-law, two lines of tears suddenly resembled the water of the Yellow River...

Think about being a monk is forbidden for the laity, how can parents agree to it?

Besides, I didn't understand the Dharma at that time, and I felt more like I was running away. Later, I thought about it, if I really had the heart to cultivate, then heaven and earth would be the best temple, and Hongchen would be the best dojo. If you barely enter the temple, isn't it similar to a professional monk who escapes reality?

In fact, it wasn't until later, until today, that I was more sure that I had made the right choice. Because, later, I heard the Buddha also say: "All the Dharma comes from the world..."

Therefore, in the dojo of Hongchen, I practiced in a wandering way for 20 years, although I went through the ups and downs and experienced the wind and coldness of the world, but finally in some experience, I walked through the confusion and walked through the days when I didn't know what to do.

Although, the pain and pain, sorrow and joy of the past, but in the helpless courage to face, it is like a good medicine, in the dust of the soul, so that the original heart, like a mirror, gradually regained its original brilliance.

The Buddha said: "The Dharma comes out of the world, and when you leave the world, you will seek the Dharma and seek the horned rabbit!" "Yes, the world is like a kaleidoscope, prosperous and full of images, strange and strange shadows. It's always easy for people to lose their true hearts in the illusory world.

Only by going through the tempering of the mind can we discover the existence of all the essence like a kaleidoscope of stillness. Because of the insight comes wisdom, so as to transcend the illusion of ten thousand flowers, like pulling out the clouds to see the sun, jumping into the blue sky.

Therefore, for many years, I have felt like a monk in human skin, and when I walk through today, it may be time to take off my human skin and change my robe.

Therefore, to this day, I have realized that I thought that I was constantly breaking through my fate, but after today, I feel that my fate is still as Einstein said: "A fly flies around in the carriage, unconsciously taken by the train to a fixed direction!" ”

Yes, I used to long to fly freely, and I seem to have done it. But to this day, I feel that no matter how much I change, it will always be difficult to break out of the law of flies. And this law of flies seems to be very similar to the law of cause and effect!

Therefore, I began to understand that I had broken through my original destiny outside the carriage. But the moment you enter the carriage, it is also equivalent to entering a new fate.

Therefore, I also understood that the moment the child was born, it was the beginning of my entry into a new carriage. And it will be a new fate.

Therefore, I want to break through karma again, only to open the door of the child's carriage, and to open the door of this carriage, only to open the child's heart first. Because a child's heart is the door of life and death in my fate.

However, when I thought of this, my heart for ordination began to waver again. Because the child's heart has been closed and in its initial state, it has not been completely opened, and it has not really entered the world that belongs to them.

Although it is not my intention for a child to come into this world, what can I do? Because they exist today, after all, because of my existence, and because of me, they came to this world.

Although becoming a monk is my ultimate aspiration, at this moment, when I still have the ability to protect them, if I abandon them and choose to become a monk, it is undoubtedly equivalent to getting rid of pain in selfish escape! If this is the case, how am I qualified to become a Buddha and a Buddha, and what face can I have to meet the Buddha?

If it is said that the purpose of becoming a Buddha is liberation, then isn't this liberation of mine equivalent to being based on the suffering of children? If that's the case, then what's the difference between me and their grandparents and mother? Even if there is a difference, it is just like a brand of cigarette, just a different grade!

Therefore, at this time, I began to stop my journey to Mingjiao Temple.

Because my brain has begun to repeat the voice of my family constantly: "You have to bring one back, otherwise the two children will be broken, and we will raise them back..."

yes, that's something I've always been reluctant to imagine. Because, although this can save one child, the child's mother will be unbearable, and it will affect the other child again.

In the end, whether it is me, or their mother and son, it is still difficult to achieve complete liberation. However, if I leave all the children to their mothers, even if I walk through the door of life and death, I can free myself. However, the sacrifice of two innocent children is worthless.

However, can I really be indifferent in the empty door? I think it should be difficult, even if I become a Buddha and a patriarch, it will be equally difficult, because a Buddha is also a human being, just an enlightened person!

However, I struggled to find the best of both worlds to treat a terminally ill family. So in desperation, I can only obey the laws of nature, go to the old and give birth to the new, sacrifice the inferior, and save the main show!

The so-called, since ancient times, loyalty and filial piety are difficult to achieve, I have long experienced. It's just that today, because of the child, it seems that I have to go back to 20 years ago in such a dilemma, pick up the butcher's knife that has been sealed for many years, and stab the dearest person in my life again!

Maybe life is really like a play, but I didn't expect that I, who have been wandering for more than 20 years, will return to the world again for the sake of my children for the sake of my children!

However, at the moment when I made up my mind, I felt like a god of war who had been sleeping for many years, slowly waking up in the wind and rain. It seems to make me understand again that the deformed family relationship and deformed love between parents and children is like a cancer, and if it is not eradicated in time, it will spread to several generations of a family.

Today, this cancer has been transferred to the child, and if their father is gone, is it still human? Even if I'm not human, how can I bear it? So do the world's parents scold their children, or their grandparents?

I think, very simply, people in the world will definitely say: "Parents, grandfathers, and grandmothers are all piles of garbage, they are all cancers, and they are all treating their children as battlefields for their own liberation and selfish satisfaction, and then abandoning them..."

Therefore, after thinking about it, I can only start from the roots, first pull out my own cancer to escape the pain, and then pull out my grandparents, those two tumors have spread to three generations of the family, therefore, I want to sacrifice everything to give my children a blue sky and freedom!

Therefore, when I made up my mind, I immediately asked his uncle to tell his resourceful father through WeChat that he should no longer regard the child and the child's mother as his own private battlefield and weapon, and like many ignorant and selfish parents, in the name of love, he is eager to realize his deformed wishes and satisfaction. Otherwise, it will only bring more helplessness and sorrow!

You must know that this is a declaration of war, a war of consciousness and ignorance, a war of affection and reason, a war that determines the fate of children, and a war of responsibility and selfishness.

This is a war that no one can win, because it is a fratricidal war, but for the sake of children, it is another war that is difficult to escape...

The future of this family, this war that is related to the fate of three generations, will start with the seizure of the child, and the only way to stop this war, I have already informed them, that is, the two saints are far away from the world of children, and take their own tumors to operate on themselves. Otherwise, this is a war of mercy and inhumanity...

This is a contest between self-esteem and inferiority, this is a contest between selfishness and greatness, this is a contest between reason and emotion, compassion and wisdom, and of course, it is also a contest between gain and loss...

Finally another day passed...

Sitting alone on the couch, I was thinking about how to implement the plan to take the child. However, inexplicably, when I felt the sadness of the world again, at the moment when I missed and worried about my child, and when I was in pain and could not be relieved, I couldn't help but start asking myself: "Why should I miss and worry about my child?" ”

The other one I replied to: "Because the children are by their mother's side, they will cause more problems, so they are worried, so they miss..."

When I asked myself again, "There are so many children in the world who are suffering, why am I not worried?" Why don't you miss it? ”

Then, the other me, after thinking for a long time, replied: "Because even if you love them, they will ignore you because they are strange, because they are afraid, they will not let you take them to play, because you lack interaction, and it is difficult to form mutual psychological projections, the self-emotions you experience..."

Then, the other one continued, "And now if I go back and my two children ignore me and don't want to play with me, then do I still love them and worry about them?" ”

However, the original me replied, "Love, still worried, because they are my children..."

When I said this, the other me continued: "If they ignore me for one day, and they don't want to play with me for two days, for a year, or ten years, or for a lifetime, will I still love them and worry about them?" ”

When I heard this, I thought for a long time and finally came back: "I shouldn't love anymore, but I'm still worried..."

At this time, I seemed to begin to understand: "It turns out that I love them, in the essence of the root, not because they are my children, but because they are willing to interact with me, in the interaction, because of the psychological projection effect, and at the same time feel the child's mood, but also reflect the existence and continuation of another self."

So if this is the case, it's essentially love for myself, and I just project my love for myself on them and form feelings for each other. And in fact, it's not about loving them.

But my worries will still exist. Because, at this time, the worry is a kind of reason, out of compassion for life. And this compassion, just as I worry and pity all the children, is no longer love, it is compassion.

Love is discriminating, so I love my children, and it is difficult for other people's children to fall in love, and compassion is the universal love that follows the circumstances, the true love that is not attached, or the ontological love, and wherever you go, you love with the circumstances, and naturally you are at peace with the circumstances..."

As a result, I seem to be beginning to understand again that I am still so fragile and ignorant. Perhaps, without the guidance of these two little bodhisattvas, maybe I don't know how many years it will take for me to understand my selfish, fragile and ignorant self. I don't know when I will have the opportunity to surpass this dazed and painful and helpless heart, and continue to immerse myself in the confusion of alternating bitterness and happiness, through every day, even a lifetime!

And the so-called bitter sea is boundless, turning back is the shore, and the bitter sea is the cycle of inertia caused by ignorant desires. Turning back is the end, and the shore is where life comes from. It is to stop the inertial cycle and return to the original place of the ontological world...

But what if I return to the ontological world? What about the child?

Then, if we say that the ontology is one, then my ontology is their ontology, and their ontology is my ontology!

Therefore, I am them, and they are me. It turns out that they who are far away in Anqing and me who are far away in Hefei are just the illusion of life, the illusion of the legal life formed. And our true lives, or true bodies, will never be separated!

If this is really the case, then it shows that we have never been separated and will never be separated. It's just that my mind, covered in dust, doesn't know the truth yet.

So if the truth of life is really like this, then what will happen to the future of the child's false Dharma body in the human world? What about children who don't have a father? What will happen to Dabao, who is already autistic?

After thinking about it for a long time, I replied, "Without you, they will be miserable, but there will be times of happiness, and with you, they will also be miserable, but there will also be times of happiness."

Because, the life of the aggregate of karma, suffering, and happiness are like the waves of the wind, and without a fixed amount of suffering and happiness, what their actual Dharmakaya will be, just like the waves, no matter what their external shape is, will eventually return to calm, the difference is that it depends on the karma of the wind.

If the karmic wind of the child is good, then the so-called suffering is the key to their wisdom. If the child lacks this goodness, then the pain can make them learn to find the key to this goodness in the midst of even more pain.

And the existence of you, the father, is very important to their actual Dharma Body, but it is not important if you stand on the ontological truth of life, because no matter what, one day, like a wave, they will return to calm and merge into the sea. And the existence of you, the father, is just a time that can be advanced or delayed, so that they can return to their true selves...

At this time, with a bit of human pain, I seem to understand once again that the so-called love, worry and pain for my children are in essence just a reflection of my personal psychology, and cannot absolutely explain their good or bad. But it absolutely says a lot about the existence of my inner consciousness.

So, it is conceivable that if I were an unconscious stone, would I be miserable because of my children?

Of course not...

If children are like Monkey King, they will be miserable when they see their own stone parents?

Of course it won't...

Thinking of this, I sat there in a daze, and the words of the Buddha sounded in my ears again: "Everything has a way, like a dream bubble, like dew and electricity, and should be viewed as such..."

It turns out that everything is just an illusion formed by the convergence of many factors. Only that thing that can produce cohesion is the truth of all truths, and the essence of all things. And all illusions are the product of this essence. If none of them are true, why cling to the world of illusions?

However, the irritable and active heart seemed to begin to calm down slowly, and at that moment, like a child who had just woken up, he finally made up his mind to get rid of human desires and end his earthly career for more than forty years, and stepped into the empty door alone, walking towards Benyuan's hometown!

……………………………………………………………………

Life is like a dream, and the world is seeking, and the floating life is full of worries.

When the clouds are cleared and the sun is happy, the curtain is grandiose.

Carrying the famous paintings of thousands of mountains, holding the stars and traveling all over the world.

Stepping through the sun and moonlight, wearing a rainbow to embrace the universe.

If you want to stop Pangu Nuwagong, boundless mana is in one thought...

If the body is the tower, the heart is the lamp, and the stars are the love moon and the spirit.

The love wave is like the dawn of tomorrow, and the heart is like the night in this life.

The body comes and goes like the dawn of the night, and the spiritual luck is as deep as the sea.

The void has sentient beings and ten thousand phases, and there are six desires and seven emotions.

Love the mountains and the sea dragons and tigers fight, and the love desires are bitter in the reincarnation.

It means that it is a thousand-year-old evergreen tree, and the lotus flowers are in a thought..."

All kinds of things are like the wind, all of which are due to cause and effect.

The cause of the past is the effect today, and the effect of the present becomes the cause of tomorrow.

The concept does not move, and nothing returns to the truth.

If the dust accumulates one after another, the mind will be covered with ignorance and reincarnation.

The heart is not like dust, and the heart is like a mirror.

Mountains, rivers and the earth are all present, and the heaven is a free man!

October 30, 2020: Hefei

End of book