December 25, 2019 is also the day of the first snow in 19, and it is also the day when we get together in the true sense of the word since the birth of the child for three and a half years.

We had been prepared for a long time, and finally stepped out of the house at dawn and hurried to the train from Anqing to Hefei.

At the moment of going out, the child still looks happy as usual. And I am like a lonely bird in a cage, in the long-term anticipation, with a wisp of curiosity, a trace of sorrow, with the cold wind in the early morning hand in hand with the child, the vicissitudes of life disappeared into the sky...

We father and son, with the same curiosity and exploration, walked together on the way to the station. The difference is that he explores the world, and what he wants to gain is growth and happiness! I, on the other hand, want to explore his past, present, future and autistic mysteries. What I want is the answer, the truth of fate, the engineer of the soul...

Along the way, I was more like a wanderer and made a comeback, with a little vicissitudes! And as soon as he left the house, as usual, like a mature hunter, he seemed to be quiet, but he always felt that he was in a state of seeing all directions and listening to all directions. Even after getting on the train, he seems to be quiet, and his two eyes are still like scanners, observing everything around him...

Soon, the train reached the first stop. Children who usually like to make cars, perhaps because of the monotony of the train environment and the long ride, that curious and well-behaved look gradually began to become a little unbearable.

So, I adjusted my sitting position and hugged him, and as expected, when the train came to the station, he quickly broke free from my embrace, and finally stretched out his tender little hand, pulled me and asked to get off with him. Unexpectedly, while deliberately delaying time, I said to him gently: "Good, obedient, we haven't arrived in Hefei yet, and we can't get off now." ”

But when he heard this, he turned a blind eye and did not hear it, as he always did. I was in a hurry, observing his reaction and thinking about countermeasures urgently, but unexpectedly, a slight sense of starting the train finally came from under my feet.

However, to my surprise, he suddenly quickly grabbed my hand again and offered to return to his seat. At that moment, all of a sudden, I felt so comforted and confused when I faced this situation, and at the same time, I thought about how worried I was, and how hopeful I was for his future.

But what a sensible and intelligent child, why is this happening? If he is smart, his performance in some places is worse than that of a mentally handicapped child. If he is mentally retarded, in some places he even surpasses ordinary children! Is he an alien, or is he born with a strange intelligence? Or is it really a sickness? Suddenly, I felt that I had always been good at reading human nature, and I couldn't help but feel at a loss.

In a trance, when I came back to my senses and looked at the child in front of me again, his behavior, his emotions, although my thoughts were constantly fluctuating, I understood that since he could quickly judge the real situation in front of him through a slight tactile response, and could make corresponding actions in time, this alone is enough to show that his sense of touch, neural transmission system, as well as the judgment of observation and thinking consciousness, as well as the ability to control rational emotions, and the coordination with his three consciousnesses, are not only normal but even excellent.

However, while thinking about it, and thinking about many of his previous inexplicable phenomena, I was apprehensive, and at the same time, as if I had won the lottery, in the occasional excitement, I seemed to have found a goal of the ultimate challenge...

When the train is speeding on the way, when he gently snuggles in my arms, I don't know when, I feel that he has become the strongest opponent in my life.

In the quiet carriage, the mood is on the speeding train, our father and son are speechless, one mind is flying, and the other is moving leisurely in his arms...

Since he returned to his seat again, throughout the journey, in addition to not speaking, he has always felt well-behaved and sensible, and has a unique maturity. I held him in my arms all the way, no matter how I looked at him and thought about it, I felt that he was not only not like a child with problems, but even more cute and excellent than ordinary children in many places.

However, when I look back and think about his past performances, I have to admit that he does have many problems that are difficult to explain.

As a result, the more I think about it, the more I don't understand, and the more I think about it, the more confused I become. But at the same time there is an indescribable confidence and calmness. I think that as long as the child is shrouded in me, he will definitely be able to grow up healthily in the direction I imagined.

This feeling that comes from the heart may be due to the fact that I have some psychological foundation and some practical experience from the past reality, and the psychological advanced consciousness generated by my thinking consciousness is only aware of my thinking consciousness.

Even so, it seems that faith is indescribable, but deep in my heart, there is always a faint worry. Perhaps the root cause of this feeling may be due to the fact that my understanding and cognition of autism at this time is almost blank. Maybe it's the nervousness of Aiko's heart, in the instinctive refraction effect.

Whatever the reason, although the two opposing emotions alternate all the time, I always feel that my confidence is like a goshawk hovering and looking down on the sky!

Soon, by noon, snow had fallen in the sky. After waiting at the station for a long time, we finally arrived at Shushan District, Hefei, near a more authoritative pediatric hospital, with the help of the child's aunt. (Due to the bad information related to privacy and the organization, in order to avoid disputes, the real name of the organization is ignored here)

The child's aunt parked the car, and we walked side by side, walking together on the snowy sidewalk. The child may be a little tired because of the bumpy road and the fact that he did not eat breakfast in the morning. And I was already too weak, and I was even more wrapped in heavy clothes and sweating in the cold winter. Only my aunt is like a treasure, tireless along the way, hugging him with a smile...

In the rain and snow, we quickly crossed the road and walked into a hometown chicken fast food restaurant near the hospital. The child may be really hungry, and just as we sat down and waited for the meal, we saw him in his aunt's arms, silently staring at his phone, repeating the video of his previous meal.

Unexpectedly, the aunt next to me also noticed, she looked at me inadvertently, and then said with some surprise: "I haven't eaten until now, this child may be hungry, you see how he doesn't know how to eat, he is always watching the video of eating on his mobile phone?" ”

Yes, I know, the child should be very hungry. At this time, the child's behavior, in the eyes of his aunt, may not only surprise her, but may even make her feel that there is something wrong with the child's brain.

Although it seems that the child is handsome and well-behaved and cute, not only does he never speak, but even at this time he looks at people almost zero. In addition to concentrating on playing with mobile phones, it always seems that there is no such world, and there is a serious lack of all the reactions that a normal child should have.

At that time, maybe his aunt was worried about my feelings, or maybe she thought it might not matter, so she never said anything in her silent expression. In fact, if I look at it from another angle, even if I don't know the child, I will even think that the child may be mentally handicapped, not just autistic.

Because, in everyone's opinion, a normal three-and-a-half-year-old child, his ability to express basic needs in language is almost close to the level of an adult. But even when he is very hungry, even the ability to express body expressions is seriously lacking. Although he knows that he is hungry and he also knows that he wants to eat, but when he is unable to express his needs, or in a state of escape from the outside world, he can only keep watching the meal video. to achieve the effect of quenching thirst.

However, such a method, if from a psychological point of view, can indeed obtain or solve hunger to varying degrees, and the relaxation and satisfaction it brings. Because the psychological suggestion of video information can completely affect the corresponding changes at the physiological level. Therefore, although the child does not understand this truth, he is driven by hunger and involuntarily uses this effect to achieve the goal of solving hunger.

This worrying phenomenon can also show that if you look at the child's appetite response, his physiological visual function and psychological reaction are normal. Otherwise, you won't be tired of taking advantage of watching dining videos to get satisfaction.

But on the other hand, compared with the same situation at home, it can be clearly found that although the child is hungry at this time, he is still so quiet, and no matter his expression and behavior, he seems cautious and passive, which is enough to show that the child has psychological fear and avoidance of the unfamiliar environment, because the quiet he shows at this time has actually explained the depression in essence.

However, the source of this repression is the conscious experience of fear or lack stored in the subconscious, mainly induced by some similar vision. Because if there is no suppression of the existence of internal causes, then it is difficult for purely environmental external factors to play a role. Therefore, according to the child's past performance, he will naturally be more or less curious, looking around and even running around. So on the other hand, when the child is in the countryside, there is already a fear of the external world, or because of the closed environment, there is a lack of corresponding conscious experience. and lack of subliminal information storage. Leads to a reaction to an unfamiliar environment now!

So, how did this subconscious repression arise at its source? It is nothing more than individual differences, the closed nature of the acquired environment, and the grandma's paranoid desire to avoid the unfamiliar environment. Secondly, it is because of the acquired mother-child separation that leads to the problem of security, and in the individual differences of the combination of the repressive environment, the psychological depression is caused by the restriction of his developmental behavior!

At the same time, if we look at the child from another perspective, then it can be shown that the child's visual function, conscious perception function, and the synchronous function of the body, mind, thinking and external environment are not only normal but even excellent. However, due to the subconscious depression and lack of corresponding information caused by the acquired environment, many problems are difficult to explain.

Because first of all, it can be determined that his visual function can awaken the normal acute response of physiological perception, and has a profound conscious experience function, and at this time, the conscious dining experience induces the video information, feedback and thinking consciousness stored in the subconscious, and let him know to look for the meal video to expect satisfaction in the case of hunger.

This phenomenon, analyzed together, is undoubtedly because in the midst of depression, in order to obtain a stable sense of security, in habitual closure to ignore and escape the external world, and let yourself be immersed in a closed mind, searching for inner memories to seek satisfaction...

Because, the thirst-quenching effect and degree of Wangmei mainly depend on the psychological suggestion produced by memory, mainly through suggestion and spontaneous imagination, to obtain the coordinated interaction between physiological, explicit, thinking consciousness and subconscious. If there is a problem with the interaction between these four people, then the child will naturally be in the conflict, and it will be difficult to get corresponding satisfaction through the video, so it is easy to have other behaviors!

However, just as he was thinking, the child looked at the lunch that had already been served, perhaps it was really the reason for his hunger, and it seemed to be even more tempting for him at this time. Because the children who usually eat naughty, when they eat at this time, not only do they relish one spoonful after another, but even make him crazy at an unprecedented level...

Soon after 40 minutes, when we walked out of the restaurant, we finally picked up the baby again, returned the same way and walked back into the hospital gate. Then, under the reception of the relevant personnel, the first inspection began smoothly.

During the inspection process, the first step is to fill out a form for evaluation. At the beginning, because I had never been in contact with such a professional hospital, like many parents with autism, I naturally listened to their arrangements with full expectations.

However, in the process of filling in the form, I soon found that this specialized hospital seemed to have professional deficiencies, and even violated the principle of profit-oriented, and lacked a practical auxiliary form filling Q&A.

Because, in my eyes, children are more psychological problems caused by individual differences and acquired environment, and it is difficult to obtain the correct answer to psychological problems through hard quantification. However, apart from asking them to fill out the form, they did not consult in any way. What's even more suspicious is that they often ask me about the blind spots and ignorance of children, as well as the links that cannot be effectively confirmed, not only do they not ask seriously, but they are a bit like picking up a treasure, so they do not hesitate to help me directly fill in the negative content.

When I saw this situation, although it was a little difficult to accept, due to the lack of more understanding, it was difficult to find a suitable reason to reject their form-filling assessment for a while.

And the environment I am in at this time does not allow me to think too much. Because, already in this state, no matter what I want, the chances may be slim, not to mention, I have nothing for autism, so I was forced to start a long journey.

Although I felt that it was a disadvantage to go on the expedition, and I was worried, the feeling of expectation for this institution seemed to be beginning to shrink, and I became more suspicious and cautious. I even had the mentality of wanting to give up, just at the cost of spending some money, by understanding the real situation of this hospital, so as to better understand the problem of autism and the real situation of the entire rehabilitation field.

Therefore, when I was holding such a mentality, I was hiding a little anxious. Finally, the process of filling out the form and evaluating it quickly passed. Then, under the procedure arranged by them, the next examination is carried out.

At that time, it was supposed to be a pathological problem in the articulatory system. However, when I asked to accompany my children in, they were adamantly opposed. However, in a hurry, I had to ask them for specific examinations, but they could not give specific and clear answers for a while. In the end, I did it for a long time, but I only vaguely remember that it seems to have something to do with tongue tie and lip muscles.

Therefore, I did not expect that in such a bad situation, I began to feel more and more vague about this institution, and even felt that my child and I were becoming more and more passive, and began to enter a state of worry and fear.

Because I think that a simple routine inspection is as airtight as a military secret, so how can I trust my children to them? On the other hand, they take their children in to play for a while, or use coercion or even intimidation to temporarily squeeze out some excellent or normal performance. And then when they come out, say some technical terms, or even just say a few words, who can figure out whether what they say is right or wrong, and who can figure out what they will do to their children in it?

So, when I came here with the worry that I couldn't see much hope, I began to regret coming here a little bit. However, in desperation, Jue Da finally came from afar, but after all, he had no choice, and once again with a mentality of rejection and suspicion, he continued to obey their arrangement. I thought that even so, I couldn't run in vain. Now that I'm here, even if I waste some money and time, I'm going to find a way to get something valuable out of it.

Because I believe that since their level is so doubtful, then their operational service personality quality should be more flawed. As long as you find the gaps, it is easy to break through their defenses, so that it is easy to peek into their hearts like spies, and through the analysis of the principle of radiation, it is easier to understand more about the current situation in the field of autism and rehabilitation...

The snowflakes outside are big and sometimes small...

The deserted hall on the first floor...

I stood there alone and thought for a long time, and not long after the child came out, I walked to the second floor under the enthusiastic arrangement of another woman.

At that moment, I may have felt that I was about to meet the dean expert, so I suddenly felt that my heart couldn't help but rekindle hope again. But the funny thing is that I didn't expect the end result to be not only bad, but also more ridiculous than I imagined...

At that time, there was a test before the so-called dean's expert was diagnosed, but at that time, I had lost confidence because of the tests I had done. Therefore, with a perfunctory mentality, I hope to finish it quickly. I want to see how they end up interpreting it. Therefore, I have no memory of the subsequent examination.

Time was like a raindrop, and finally all the inspections seemed like a fashion show, tossing and turning until two o'clock in the afternoon. Then, under the arrangement of the beautiful woman, he began to enter the helpless waiting on the second floor.

Look at the snowflakes outside the building, and walk around in front of the dean's expert office. At that moment, I felt like a eunuch wanted to see an angry emperor, with a lot of worries and desires, back and forth for many steps...