The train I took entered Yunnan at about 6 o'clock in the morning, and the first small station I stopped at was called Lyon, which at first glance sounded like it was in the south of France. Since Lion, the train has been dragging on and stopping, stopping more and more frequently, and the short-distance passengers on the train have gone up and down, constantly changing. The composition of the guests has also changed significantly, and there is a bit of a rural situation surrounding the city. It became more and more common for the people who came to the carriage to and fro with large baskets and baskets of agricultural goods, as if they were rushing to the market, shouting loudly in the unintelligible vernacular, and I was mentally exhausted under the harassment of these people.

What tired me the most was the young couple on the bunk across from me, who had never changed. They carried a pair of twins, who were only about two years old, and they were a pair of dragon and phoenix twins. They called the boy Little Brother and the girl Little Gege. One moment brother, one moment Gege, I can't tell who they are calling in an accented tone. Even those two children who are tireless, jumping up and down, and have no tutor at all, often get it wrong. When he called his brother, Gege would respond, and his parents took pleasure in it, probably because he was also addicted to "Huang Ama" and "Huang Eniang".

Honestly, I don't really like children, maybe I'm not old enough to like children. I always feel that I can't do anything with a child around, one is too noisy, and the other is that the child will use all kinds of means to attract the attention of adults, so that he becomes the center and everyone else becomes a foil, which makes me feel bored. I couldn't guess what it would be like if I had a biological child of my own. Would I like it? For someone like me who doesn't yet want to be a father, it may be difficult for me to experience the joy of family.

The funniest thing is that a year and a half ago, when I was younger than I am now, I was already accused of being my father. I was accused of being an irresponsible, sneaky, morally corrupt father. I had never even seen this child in person. Because of this child, I used to not want to forgive Anxin, and I used to have a heated argument with Anxin. I still remember the quarrel about this kid vividly.

When the Third Ring Furniture City opened that morning, I arrived even earlier than I was relieved. By the time she got to her furniture stall, I was already sitting on the big pink leatherette bed, waiting for her with an angry face.

She saw that I had been waiting here so early, and I thought she understood the undisguised resentment on my face, but she remained silent, and even greeted me calmly as if she was nothing. She said, "You're so early. ”

I was cold and silent for a moment, and then asked, "Why are you late, did you just finish sending the child?" ”

Anxin stood there motionless and looked at me, she probably expected me to ask the child as soon as I came up today, but the thorn in my words and the way I vented my anger still stabbed her. She stood awkwardly for a long time before she said, "The child's matter, I'll explain it to you when I find time." ”

I followed up and said, "You should explain it to me now." I told you everything about me, but you hid everything from me. How many secrets do you still have? How many people can't see the privacy of their files? ”

My voice was a little unscrupulous, and I looked around in a panic and said, "Yang Rui, I'm working now." You know I didn't have a good job to find. I can't live without work! ”

When it comes to work, my emotions are even more agitated and fierce: "I don't have a job now!" I can't do without work either! ”

After I finished speaking, I turned around and strode away, and I walked out of the door of the furniture city. The wind was blowing in the streets, the sky was full of dust, and the air was suffocating. I put my collar up and stood on the side of the street, not knowing where to go.

An An chased out, her hair was blown by the wind on her face, and she couldn't tell whether it was desolate or cruel. I looked at her, and felt pity in my heart, and I muttered in a low voice, as weak as if I were talking to myself:

"You go to work, I'm leaving."

She didn't move, looked at me with a smile, and said for a long time, "Are you really out of work?" Is it because of me? ”

I turned my head, I didn't want her to show me any sympathy or blame. My eyes were blankly fixed on the rolling traffic on the Third Ring Road. This is really a busy city, in such a city, how many corners and how many joys and sorrows happen every day, I can't count! But the whole city is like this stream of traffic, and no one will stop to pay attention and sigh. Everyone is living their own lives, and everything else is idle!

So I had to let out a sigh to myself, and I said to Anxin, "Go to work, don't lose your job again." You're right, work is really important to you. I didn't know you had children. ”

Anxin obviously wanted to apologize and explain: "Yang Rui, the child's matter, I should tell you, I should ......"

I interrupted her with a wave of my hand, and I waved my hand as if to tell her that everything that was explained was not important, everything! I said, "Your secrets, your privacy, your past are all your private affairs, and I have no right to ask about them, and I don't want to ask them." ”

Anxin didn't leave, and she didn't even take her eyes off my face. Even though I was facing the road, I could feel her apologies. She said, "Are you really out of work?" Is it really because of me? ”

I said, "Yes, they thought I was the father of the child!" ”

Anxin said seriously: "You go and tell them that you are not!" I can go with you and say that the child has nothing to do with you! The child is not yours at all! ”

I turned my head to look at peace of mind, and after a long time, I gritted my teeth and said, "I know it's not mine!" After a pause, I asked, "Whose is it?" ”

Anxin lowered her head: "I should have told you ......" Although she lowered her head, I could still see tears flowing from her eyes, and the strong wind immediately did not hesitate to blow those few tears that were still hot. She said: "I hide it from you because I like you, I like you, so I'm afraid you won't be able to stand it." You're good to me, really...... I know how good you are to me, how can I open my mouth to tell you these things......"

Anxin began to cry, crying silently. It's not the first time she's cried to me, but it's the first time she's said she likes me. My heart was suddenly surrounded by a soft and warm emotion, and I embraced peace of mind.

Anxin also hugged me, and we hugged each other tightly despite the sideways glances and sneers of passers-by. All resentment and resentment are insignificant at this moment. We hugged each other's bodies, our grievances and common suffering, and a feeling of dependence. Feeling this mood makes people want to cry, but at the same time there is an indescribable joy and comfort.

We hugged for a long time, and the wind blew us through and made us numb. I whispered, "Go back to work, don't lose your job." If you want to say anything to me, go to me at night. ”

I let go of her, turned and walked across the street, like a big man, without looking back.

During the day, I went to Guoning Company for the last time. I didn't see the Zhong siblings. But the people in the company looked at me obviously unnaturally, and there was always a murmuring behind me. I cleaned up my office stuff, took my personal belongings, sorted out the things that belonged to the company, and left them in the house, along with the keys to the office and filing cabinets.

Before leaving, I went to the secretary next door and told her that I had resigned, and that I should take stock of the things in the office and hand them over to her. She hesitated for a moment and told me to go back and wait. Ten minutes later, she brought two company security guards into my office to count things without saying a word, and even asked to check the personal belongings I was about to take. I grinned slightly, looking at her closely. She avoided making eye contact with me, twisting her face to just look at the things. I don't look at her this way out of condemnation, but purely out of curiosity. I couldn't have imagined that her obedient face, which was always smiling, could make such a fierce and cold expression.

After leaving Guoning, I took a taxi and went straight home. When I got home, I called my dad. I said Dad, I blew it with Zhong Ning, I have resigned today, let me tell you. My dad was anxious with me on the phone: what, what is it because of? Is it because of what is that called peace of mind? I was right! My dad said why are you so muddy...... I hung up the phone without listening to him.

At night, when it was dark, peace of mind came. We made coffee and sat cross-legged on the carpet facing each other on the couch as we had done before. None of us eaten, or rather, we didn't feel hungry, and it looked bitter in our mouths. This probably echoes our mood at this time. Bitterness is what moves us the most right now.

Anxin said, "What do you want to know about that child?" Do you want to know who is his father? ”

I smiled faintly, "I think I already know who his father is, it's not hard to guess." ”

Anxin looked at me without surprise, and she asked calmly, "Who did you guess?" ”

I deliberately sank for a moment, and with the same calm, replied, "It's the one surnamed Pan, the one who paid you back, right?" ”

Yes, it's the one with the surname Pan, I should have thought of it a long time ago. From Anxin crying to him on the street corner that night, to later paying off the debt for Anxin, they are obviously not ordinary friends. If he is the father of the child, everything will be logical and can be explained. The only thing that makes me awkward is that this surnamed Pan is too old, and he can almost become Anxin's father.

I didn't want to speak ill of the man, I could have sarcastically said a few words about the folds of his face, but I was afraid of stabbing Anxin. I only said: "That person, don't you think he is too mature, is it a special sense of security to find a mature man?" ”

An Xin first frowned, it was a surprised expression, and then she smiled: "Guess where it is, how do you think it's him?" He's my boss, and he's genuinely helping me! ”

"Boss?" I was a little stunned, "What's the head?" You and him, what the hell are you doing? ”

Anxin avoided my gaze, and she didn't answer. She turned her face to look out the window, perhaps thinking about how to answer me, and she hesitated so much that even I was a little overwhelmed. I want to make a joke to free her, I want her to know that I don't care about anything, that nothing has to be hidden in front of me.

"You're not some underworld gang, are you?"

I made a big joke to help her relax. Anxin didn't smile, but at least on her face

"I, I'm married......

To this confession of relief,

Mao Jie was obviously surprised, and even, he was shocked.

God gave peace of mind such a charming appearance,

She looks like such an innocent little girl,

No one would think of her as a married woman.

He could see from his reassuring expression,

Peace of mind is true,

His first reaction after the shock was anger!

"So, you've been lying to me all along!"

I don't care what shortcomings and experiences Anxin has,

Even if she did have a boyfriend in the past,

Even if she is no longer a virgin......

Whether a girl is pure or not should depend on her personality and heart,

And not depending on her history. The lines have been slackened. In the last rays of the sunset, her face was still beautiful, still delicate, innocent and innocent, which made her deliberately calm voice inevitably mismatch.

"Yang Rui, let me tell you, I didn't go to any Guangping Teachers College, nor did I go to any middle school in Nande to be a teacher. The old Pan you are talking about is the captain of the anti-narcotics brigade of the South German Public Security Bureau, a second-class police inspector, and I am a police officer under him. ”

My heart was pounding, and it was almost unbelievable to say that she was a police officer and she was just as shocking as she was to say that she was a gangster! Just as I couldn't tell that Anxin was already a mother anyway, I couldn't tell from her still childish face that she was an anti-narcotics policeman who came from a hail of bullets!

I was really in a daze, I couldn't pretend to be calm anymore, and I muttered, "Which of your words is true?" "To hide their panic. In fact, when I asked this, I already knew that everything she confessed now was the real peace of mind.

It seems to be getting darker than usual, and perhaps winter has arrived and the days have shortened. In the living room, on the two curtained windows, there was only some sunset skylight, like two large, godless eyes, silently watching us gradually sink into the shadows. None of us thought to turn on the lights, as if hoping that the darkness would hide our expressions.

The reassuring voice showed a rare maturity in the darkness of the face that could not be seen, and the low and slightly hoarse language almost looked like a vicissitudes of life telling an old story. Although this past is only a page in her life, she said and I felt that the years were far away.

"I went to primary school at the age of six in Qingmian's hometown, one year younger than the normal school age, I was promoted to middle school at the age of eleven, and I took the national college entrance examination at the age of seventeen, and my score was just over the line. Because I had a gold medal in the provincial taekwondo women's championship, I was admitted to the first round of Guangping Public Security College. After graduating from a three-year junior college, in accordance with the unified regulations of the Ministry of Public Security, all college graduates of public security colleges and universities will be sent to grassroots public security organs for training for two years. At my own request, I was assigned to the anti-narcotics brigade of the Nande City Public Security Bureau as an internal officer. ”

Anxin's account of his twenty years of life is so short, plain, and monotonous that you can hardly find any traces of the growth rings.

"South Germany, an important gateway from Myanmar's Golden Triangle poppy-growing area to Chinese mainland and the European and American continents, has 80 percent of the crimes committed here related to drugs. Anyone who is engaged in anti-narcotics work knows that Nande is the first gateway for drugs to enter China, and it is a place where the struggle is fiercest and most brutal, so I asked to go to Nande. ”

"Why?" I asked Anxin, "Do you particularly like cruelty?" Do you particularly like to live that adventurous life? Is thrill-seeking an instinct and personality you are born with? ”

Anxin shook his head: "I gave you this impression?" ”

"Yes." I said, "For a girl like you to like taekwondo, to be a police officer, and to ask to go to the front shows that you especially like to be a powerful person and worship heroes." When you were a child, did you love to watch thrilling movies and martial arts novels? ”

Anxin shook her head again, she thought for a while, and seemed to want to find the most appropriate explanation: "No, I practice taekwondo because my home is too far away from where I go to school, and I have to live on campus, so my mother asked me to join the taekwondo team, which is considered to be someone who can take care of me after class; I went to the public security college because I practiced taekwondo, so they wanted me; I didn't ask to go to South Germany for the thrill of it. After three years of study in the public security college, in addition to learning some law, investigation and other majors, it is very important that we are familiar with and gradually accept a kind of atmosphere within us, that is, the desire to fight. This atmosphere is like a huge 'field', and when you are in it, you must be attracted to it, swayed by it, and rotate in its orbit. Its gravitational pull can make you change yourself involuntarily. ”

Anxin turned on the lamp on the coffee table, and she saw the blankness on my face in the candle-like light. She smiled and said, "Really, I asked to go to South Germany myself." Last time I told you that I wanted to stay in Guangping in every possible way after graduation, those words were all false. ”

Yes, she said just now, what Guangping Teachers College, what Nande Middle School, those words are all false. I asked: "What about Zhang Tiejun, and his mother, who is the secretary general of the Women's Federation in Guangping, are they also fake?" And the Mao Jie I met in Nande, is it also fake? ”

"No," Anxin shook his head, "when I was in my third year of college, our principal was seriously ill, and I was sent to help accompany him, and I met his son, Zhang Tiejun. Half a year after I graduated, we got married. ”

"Married?" I was secretly taken aback in my heart, "You and he are already married?" I was surprised but tried to make an indifferent expression on my face, and my voice was pretending to be careless: "How old are you?" How old are you to get married? ”

"Twenty-one years old. Zhang Tiejun was twenty-eight years old that year. ”

My mind is a little messy, and my peace of mind starts with the imagination of a virgin, and with every step of the way I understand her real situation, I have to suffer a psychological blow. I asked distraughtly, "Ah, in your Yunnan, girls get married at the age of twenty-one, don't you think it's a little early?" ”

Anxin lowered her head, I couldn't make out her face hidden in the shadows, but from her soft answer, I knew the expression on it.

"No, I got married so early because, because at that time, I found out that I was pregnant."