Although I already know how unreal the peace of mind I imagined at first, the pure, simple, girl who only buried herself in part-time work and further study, and full of simple dreams for the future, was unreal, and how illusory it was compared to the peace of mind in reality and the real peace of mind hidden in the appearance of the passive person. But when I saw the man with a stiff face in the dark corner of the intersection of the Beijing Normal Sports School, I really realized that the most real peace of mind is probably much more complicated than I had imagined. Not only did she have a deep relationship with the man named Tiejun in the past, but now, another man still sneaked around her. She's actually a girl with a complicated history, an unrecognizable face, and a much deeper mystery than my city. It's funny that I always thought I could get her easily. I realized that compared to her, I was innocent.

It's just stupid!

I drove the car back to my home. Although I have long lost my initial enthusiasm for peace of mind in this paragraph, and even calmly thought about whether such a girl is suitable for me, this chance tryst still makes me feel great disappointment and resentment, and there is a kind of sting in my heart that I have been deceived and hurt. I think maybe the man will call me again after the tryst, and he will complain about why I ignore her with grievances. It seems that I didn't call back and ignored her, I didn't wronged her at all, what qualifications do so many men around her have to pretend to be wronged with me!

I thought carefully about the man's face, which must have looked at least four or five in the dim streetlight. Peace of mind and such an old man, if this person is not a big money, I dare to die! What is she crying about with that big money? Is that the big guy trying to dump her? Rich men are not all like this, do you think that if you look good, he can guard you for a lifetime? Stop dreaming! For that kind of man, the best woman is the woman he just met, and the man is not just fresh!

Anxin didn't call again that night. I was also very uneasy, I went to bed and turned off the lights very late, and I couldn't sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, after washing, before going to work, I hesitated while wearing a tie, and when the tie was finished, I decided to call the Beijing Normal Sports School. I'll admit that I was actually curious to know if Anxin always called me to see if that really meant that to me. Maybe in the past she didn't react to my attacks because she was still next to the old guy, and now the old guy finally dumped her.

Anxin quickly answered the phone, and asked me anxiously before I could speak, and sure enough, it was a concerned tone: "Yang Rui, where have you been these days, nothing happened, right?" Did you never go home? ”

I said lightly, "Ah, busy with work. ”

An Xin said: "I called you several times, but you have not been there, and you have not answered when I call you." ”

I said, "Ah, is there something wrong?" ”

Anxin said: "When are you free, can you come to me?" ”

I said, "What can't you say on the phone?" ”

Anxin probably heard my unusually cold attitude, she paused for a moment, also flattened her tone, and said, "When it's convenient for you, I'll go find you." I'm not going to take up much of your time. ”

The reassuring tone immediately became transactional, obviously not like a posture of romance. My heart was even colder, and after thinking for a while, I made an appointment with her to meet her at the door of the night school of the Cultural Palace in the evening. When I hung up the phone, I couldn't help but think a little cheesily: she couldn't have just slept with me and wanted to beg me to do something, right?

Before getting off work in the evening, Liu Minghao called, he knew that Zhong Ning had gone to other places, so he asked me to go to the Banana nightclub in the evening, saying that several girls from the dance academy would also go with me today, and if I went over, they would introduce them to me. I rejected Liu Minghao because I made an appointment with peace of mind, and I smiled and said: Your friends are too noisy, I am too tired from work now, so I want to be quiet after work. The dance academy is all left to you to produce and sell yourself, just be careful not to damage your body.

In the evening, I thought it was time for the accounting class to get out of class, I drove the car to the Cultural Palace as promised, and when I arrived, Anxin was already waiting on the side of the road, she got into my car without a sound, and I drove the car without a sound.

Half a street was walked, and no one spoke. I was very annoyed, so I opened my mouth first, and said something inconsequential:

"Why did you get out of class so early today?"

Anxin replied with a heavy heart: "Ah." ”

Then we seemed to have nothing to talk about, as if we were much stranger to each other. I drove silently for a while, and the silence made me feel more and more bored, so I spoke again, a little stiffly, and asked:

"What do you want me to do, tell me."

Anxin still bowed his head and said nothing, and I said a little unhappily: "I have a date tonight, are you okay?" ”

Anxin was obviously a little surprised that I was so impatient, she looked up at me, and I looked straight ahead, not at her. I heard her say, "I'm fine, you can go and get busy if you have something to do, just leave me on the side of the road." ”

I could tell she was angry, not just angry, but more disappointed. I know that I have always been very attentive to my performance in front of her, and I have shown all the enthusiasm, diligence and patience I can in front of peace of mind, and she has never seen me have such a cold face.

I didn't stop, I knew that I was not good for Anxin like this, and it made her feel that I had changed too much, and it was not good. I slowed my breath.

"I've been too busy this time, and I haven't been looking for you, are you angry with me?"

"Nope."

The tone of peace of mind is a little insincere. I said, "I've called you and I've looked for you, but you're not there." If you don't believe it, ask that Uncle Zhang. I went to look for you last night. ”

My explanation sounded quite sincere, and my reassuring tone was much better, and I said, "I know you're busy, and I really don't want to trouble you......"

I then asked again: "What the hell have you said, I will help if I can help, and I will tell you clearly if I can't help." ”

Anxin moved his eyes out of the car, breathed a little nervously and said, "Can you lend me some money?" I'm in a bit of a hurry. ”

My heart sank, and she finally asked me for money! It's like the women that men often talk about. Even though I already knew that Anxin had a man in the past, and even though I found out that she had another man last night, today she opened her mouth to ask me for money, and in any case, it still shattered my illusion and affection for Anxin with a bang. I felt very uncomfortable, but I didn't move, and asked:

"How much do you want?"

"Three thousand, okay?"

Without hesitation, I said, "Okay, what are you trying to buy?" Or do you want to go home? Do you still have to pay tuition? Is 3,000 enough? ”

An An avoided my gaze and said, "I'm really a last resort, I can't open my mouth for three thousand." ”

I think, yesterday, maybe she looked for that man and shed tears in front of that man, also to ask for money. Maybe the guy didn't give enough......

"When do you want it?" I asked. The tone is already like talking about business.

"Can you hurry up, I'm in a hurry." She replied.

I didn't speak, I drove the car home with the steering wheel. The 20,000 yuan rebate is still at home and has not moved.

When I entered the house, I went into the bedroom and opened the cabinet to take out the money, and when I took out the money, I saw An Xin standing in the living room waiting with his eyes open, and he didn't even sit down. I handed her the money. When she took the wad of money, she asked suspiciously:

"Three thousand?"

I said, "Five thousand." ”

She hesitated for a moment, and didn't insist on three thousand. She lowered her head and said, "Thank you Yang Rui." ”

The moment I gave the five thousand dollars, I had a feeling in my heart that I was paying for myself, for the thing I had done that night in my peace of mind. I feel like this money is like a deal, an end between the two of us.

Anxin stood opposite me, lowered his head and silently put the money into his backpack as if he had done something wrong, then looked at me and whispered: "Yang Rui, I think, find a time in a few days, I should tell you some of my things......"

"Is it about you and that Zhang Tiejun?" I deliberately took her words coldly.

Anxin was stunned for a moment: "No, it's not his business." ”

"Is it you and another man?" My gaze was like a knife, unceremoniously stabbed in Anxin's face.

Anxin also looked at me, looking a little puzzled, a little unable to guess what I said. She asked tentatively, "This kind of thing annoys you, doesn't it?" ”

I looked back and said, "Look at you, whatever you want to tell me, whatever you want." ”

An An's voice trembled a little, a tremor that she tried her best to suppress, she opened her mouth for a long time and said, "Yang Rui, I, I thought you were interested in listening to it." I always thought you were different from other men......"

I finally couldn't help but vent my disappointment: "Don't worry, I really like you, and I like you because you're different from other girls." But you know there's a problem with me, and I don't want to talk to any other girl who has money to deal with me. Because I can't tell whether she's being good to me for money or affection. Feelings must be very pure, don't get involved with money, it's not right to get involved in money. ”

I listened in amazement, and I could see what she wanted to say, to explain or refute, but my last sentence hit her like a stick, a little harshly, and she was pale, unable to say a word. I feel a little pleasure to see her like that, but I also feel a little unbearable, and I feel a little sorry for her. I don't know why I'm always psychologically different from other girls, and I'm always too soft-hearted. When she pitied me, I still felt a little pain in my heart, and her anger disappeared as soon as she pitied me. So I smiled, relaxed a little, and said:

"Okay, let's meet together when we have time, how about the Jialing Pavilion last time, what do you want to tell me, I'll listen."

There were tears in Anxin's eyes, but they didn't fall. She smiled too, using her laughter to maintain her composure. She said calmly, "I will come to you again, and I will give you the money back." ”

She said goodbye and turned to open the door. I asked behind her, "Are you going back to sports school?" I'll send you. ”

She replied no. She didn't stop when she answered, and she didn't even look at me again. She closed the door so softly as she went out that it disappeared so quickly and silently that I didn't even hear the footsteps of going downstairs. I stood alone in the living room, and I felt that our separation was so terrified that I didn't dare to look back. She walked without hesitation, and she didn't even leave a lingering back, which made people's hearts empty, and there was an indescribable loss.

It was late that night, so I drove to the Banana nightclub to find Liu Minghao. I don't want to be alone at home on nights like this. I need to be noisy, I need stimulation, I need strangers, I need "***", I need to get drunk! When I went, Liu Minghao and a group of business friends were already drunk, and there were a few girls around me who knew at a glance that they were engaged in dance, all of them were slim in tight clothes, but I was not interested in any shy face and waist like a thin willow at this time. I ignore them, I gulp down, I dance desperately, and the strong impact of disco music makes me want to throw up!

Liu Minghao followed me and drank wildly, half-drunk and asked me, "What's wrong today?" is so unenergetic, did you quarrel with Zhong Ning, ah? Beware of someone kicking you! A beautiful lad like you has. Look here......" he pointed around, "It's all beautiful brothers and sisters, it's not uncommon, don't take yourself too seriously!" ”

I ignored him, drank in a muffled voice, and my head shook back and forth with the rhythm of the disco, as if I had really eaten cough water***. Liu Minghao leaned into my ear and asked, "Otherwise, it's an awkward affair with Anxin?" Have you done this girl? ”

My head suddenly stopped swinging, and I asked with a frown, "Who?" ”

"Rest assured, that handyman at the Taekwondo Club, how is she?"

I didn't know what to say, my head continued to shake again, and I replied in a non-chauffeured manner, "Ahem, that's it." ”

Liu Minghao smiled: "Yes, there are beautiful sisters, don't be so serious." ”

That's right! That's it! Don't take it so seriously! This is indeed Liu Minghao, and it is also the rule that I, our gang, treat girls. I've been serious about peace of mind all these years, which is weird to me, maybe I was too involved in it, and I wanted to put her down but couldn't. I hate her and despise her in my heart, but I miss her and miss her, just like going crazy.

I drank too much that night in Bananá, and for several days I had a splitting headache, a trance, and a lot of anxiety, and my mind was always reassured. I would love to see her again, even if it's to scold her and make her cry! Look at how she is self-conscious, it's okay!

I was so ruthless in my heart that I couldn't help but think about her goodness and her difference after a long time, and I wanted to forgive her unconsciously. Is it rare for a girl like her to have more than one man in her life? I've had good times with a lot of girls in the past, and I'm still hiding from her that there's another Zhong Ning. If you can't reach the realm yourself, why ask others. I think my anger may have stemmed from the conventional notion that many girls don't like decent men, but there is no man who doesn't want women to be like women. So it's not worth making a fuss about men's hearts, and women are simply debauched. This concept also rules over me, if the girl I love is not disciplined, then I will never accept it, but if I have other pleasures, I will be more tolerant of myself.

Push yourself and him, this matter will gradually figure it out, once you figure it out, you especially want to see peace of mind again. Zhong Ning returned from Nanjing, and returned to Beijing with her sisters and their groom, Guan'er, and prepared to accompany them to the Inner Mongolia prairie for their honeymoon. People in Jiangsu and Zhejiang have lived too meticulously all their lives, so they yearn for a rough and empty place like the prairie. may have been instigated by her bride's sisters, Zhong Ning said endlessly as soon as she saw me: "Yang Rui, let's not be so close to each other, just get married." People say that a man has a sense of responsibility only when he has a family, and I think this is particularly true. ”

At first, I thought that she was just saying that, so I was a little bit ignorant, not to mention that I didn't want to make a decision for life in such a hurry, and I was not at all psychologically prepared to start a family and live, and I didn't even have a complete decision about whether to choose Zhong Ning for a lifetime, even though she was such a rich rich girl.

Zhong Ning and I interrupted: "How do you think that a play is a play?" Do your sisters want people from all over the world to accompany her for happy events? ”

Zhong Ning said, "Hey! People are all men proposing to women, and women still have to hold their strength, why do you still work with me in turn? ”

I said, "We're so young, isn't it a joke for people in the company to get married so early?" ”

Zhong Ning said: "People say that a man has to be married to be an adult, and when you get married, you will be mature, and you will not grow up like a child." Didn't you hear everyone in the company say that you look like my brother? ”

I said with a look of disgust, "They're jealous!" ”

I hate it most when people in the company say I'm small, they actually say that with my qualifications, if I don't rely on eating soft rice, how can I become a project manager and deputy commander-in-chief! Zhong Ning probably thought of this meaning as well, she smiled schemingly and said:

"Only when we are really married, those people will not be jealous, and if we are really married, people will not talk about it."

I couldn't say anything, so I simply said, "I don't want to get married so early and let you be in charge, I want to be free for another two years." ”

Zhong Ning asked suspiciously, "How else can you be free?" Are you still out playing girls? ”

I was stunned for a moment, and hurriedly covered it with a smile: "No, no." ”

Zhong Ning narrowed her eyes, a fierce gaze shot out of her eyelids, and a stupid voice squeezed out from between her teeth, she said: "I'll tell you Yang Rui, don't think I don't know anything, Liu Minghao told me everything." ”

The sweat on my back came out as soon as I could, and I said stiffly: "You listen to Liu Minghao's nonsense!" ”

Zhong Ning sneered more and more when he saw that I was nervous. The cat nodded at me like a mouse: "Okay, then let me ask you, do you know a girl named Beibei?" Don't tell me you don't know me! ”

Babe? My heart thumped and fell back into place, and I gasped secretly, and pretended to be angry and scolded: "Why is Liu Minghao so full of tongues, that's his girlfriend's cousin, we drank together in the bar...... Well, once I went out, just once! The last time I saw her again at Rolling Stone, I ignored her. ”

Zhong Ning observed my face, and there were no obvious flaws in my expression of feigned anger. She slowed down her voice and said, "Yang Rui, do you love me or not?" You never seem to have made it clear to me. ”

I put away the grievances on my face and replaced them with a smirk, trying to get around this sharp question: "Why are you girls so bad?" I like to listen to those words that make people feel bad about me, my mountain alliance and sea oath. I used to think you weren't as vulgar as they were. You don't want to think about how stupid it must be for a big old man to love and love all day long, do you really like that kind of sissy? ”

Zhong Ning blinked, a little unable to answer. Of course, she didn't want her boyfriend's personality to be too "creamy", not to mention that she already thought my appearance was too feminine. In fact, my eyebrows and eyes are delicate but by no means feminine, Zhong Ning is purely because she is used to seeing her brother's stupidity, black and ruthlessness, so the vision of men is definitely a little off. However, my statement about men was obviously accepted by her, and she retreated and said, "Yang Rui, you know what I do to you and how I treat your father. Don't do anything I'm sorry for, don't let me hold it! ”

I don't keep quiet, I hate that she always thinks of herself as a great benefactor to me and my dad. Yes, I'll admit, you're nice to us, but you're bored when you talk about it. I'm a man after all, and men have the self-esteem of men.

With that, I thought, might as well be with peace of mind. With peace of mind, I can at least have some confidence, a sense of independence, and feel like a man.

The next day my dad called me and told me to go home. I hadn't seen my dad in a long time, so I drove back as soon as I got off work, and as soon as I entered the door, I could smell the smell of stir-fried food wafting through the house. My dad let my mom serve all his life, and when my mom died, my dad couldn't take care of himself at all, and his daily life was a mess. Since my dad had an income of 3,000 oceans a month, he found a little nanny. The little nanny was very good at cooking, and there were already some delicate cold dishes on the table. I went around the kitchen and saw that there were fish and meat in the kitchen, and I smiled at my dad, "You really want to open it now, what is delicious." My dad didn't laugh, and asked me quite seriously: "Have you been having trouble with Zhong Ning again recently, ah?" ”

I immediately understood what my dad was looking for me to do, so I simply frowned and asked, "What did Zhong Ning say?" ”

"She said you've been being cold to her lately, why are you doing it?"

I said, "Who's cold to her?" After a pause, he said, "I've been working hard enough lately, who can be so energetic to serve her!" ”

My dad said seductively: "Although she is the boss of the company, she is a girl after all, and she is young, and she is only twenty-two years old this year, you should care about her and be considerate of her, right?" Although you are not much older than her, but you are a man, this man should take the initiative to take care of the woman. I've lived with your mom for so many years......"

I interrupted him by saying that she was there for my mom when I was with you! You don't care about me, okay, I'm so old. My dad immediately shouted: I don't care how you grew up! How much shit and not wiping your ass have been done since you were a child, I wiped it for you! I don't like to quarrel with him, so I avoided him and went to the living room, I said okay, you can take care of it, I'll see when you can go. My dad came over and said: Stay for a while, Zhong Ning, don't ignore people in front of me, if you make a mistake, don't blame me for not saving face for you.

I was stunned: "Zhong Ning is also coming?" You called her? ”

My dad was right, "yes, why can't I call her?" This is an opportunity for you to ease your relationship a bit. You said that you are so old, you have to let your father worry about you for this little thing, you are like talking, I am going to die, you just wait to be planted! ”

I said, "Didn't Zhong Ning accompany her to the Inner Mongolia prairie today, and she won't go?" ”

"Go, when you get back and finish eating, you send her straight from here to the airport, the plane at nine o'clock in the evening."

I complained to my dad: "The company has a car to send them, why do you want me to send it, you don't care about these idle things in the future, okay?" I have other things to do tonight. ”

My dad glared: "Why are you so ignorant, I spent money to cook a table of dishes for you to come, and create opportunities for you to be kind to Zhong Ning, I don't know how good you are!" ”

We were arguing when Zhong Ning came, knocked on the door, and my dad and I were silent. When my dad went to open the door, the expression on his face when he and Zhong Ning exchanged pleasantries was not completely natural. Zhong Ning didn't know if he noticed it, but he greeted me very affectionately: "Yang Rui, did you make your father angry again?" "I said no, and then didn't say much. My dad also made love to Zhong Ning: "This kid, it's muddy, you can learn it slowly." But Yang Rui has a good heart, if you really want to be good to him, he can keep it in his heart. This kid just can't speak the words that people like to hear, and he hasn't learned it since he was a child. When I was young and with my mother, those sweet words were all in one set, and he didn't pass on any of my good qualities. ”

Zhong Ning should talk to my father, but he deliberately said it to me: "I know Yang Rui's temper, I don't care." Men, you have to have a little temper, or how to call them old men. In fact, the most greasy thing for me is those men who mess with flowers and grass, eating in the bowl and looking at the pot and thinking about the stove, and wanting to stick to it when I see a beautiful girl, this kind of men and women are annoying. ”

My dad immediately said: "Yang Rui won't know this, I still understand this, there are many girls chasing Yang Rui, and Yang Rui can still handle this." ”

Zhong Ning glanced at me and sneered deeply: "Did you hear that?" Your dad can say you can handle it, and I'll have to test it when I go back. ”

They went back and forth, their wits flashing, their words outside of their words, and their smiles hidden knives. I lowered my head and laid the food on the table, silent, and even more noncommittal in my expression. Zhong Ning may have been a little upset when he saw me, so he didn't say more. During the meal, the topic shifted to the north and south, and he also talked about some work things - about the progress of the construction of the Guoning Building that my father grabbed and about the preparations for the Guoning Taekwondo Gym that I arrested, etc. When it came to work, our attitude unconsciously became serious, and my dad and I were a little respectful as if we were reporting to work and receiving instructions, and the atmosphere of this family dinner immediately became nondescript.

After the meal, I took Zhong Ning to the airport. On the way, I said something considerate about telling Zhong Ning to pay attention to safety when going out and be careful of catching a cold. Zhong Ning became happy at this time, and said with a smile: "Yang Rui, I have known you for more than a year, and I find it really cute if you really understand things." Can't you be like an adult in the future, and you know that you feel sorry for people. ”

I didn't laugh or answer her, but I put my hand on the steering wheel, looked ahead, and said, "Come back early, don't let me worry about you." You arranged your sisters and them to let them play by themselves there, and people on their honeymoon are willing to let you follow them? ”

Zhong Ning smiled: "Yo yo, the sun is really setting in the east today, it's really not easy to listen to you tell me this." ”

Indeed, I rarely say this kind of sweet words to Zhong Ning, so these words have a magical effect, and Zhong Ning was in a happy mood along the way, and there were many more words than usual. I sent Zhong Ning to the airport, and I saw that she and her sisters were connected, and someone from the company had already helped them get their boarding passes in advance, and I watched them walk to the security gate. Zhong Ning looked back at me, affectionate, and I waved goodbye to her.

Coming out of the airport, I didn't go home and drove the car almost off the airport highway. Out of the highway, I drove the car directly to the door of the night school of the Cultural Palace in Dongcheng District.

Ten minutes later, I saw peace of mind. She walked out of the Cultural Palace building with the crowd of people who got out of class in twos and threes, and stood on the side of the road to cross the street. I shook her with the headlights, and she turned her head to look at it for a long time before she recognized that it was me, hesitated, and got into the car.

As soon as I got in the car, I could see that her expression was very unnatural, even a little nervous. The first thing she said was, "I'm sorry, but that money will have to go a few days...... I will pay it back to you in a few days, and I will definitely pay it back, you can rest assured. ”

I don't know what to say, she thought I was here to collect debts, which made me very sad, is the misunderstanding between us already so deep!

I was silent for a moment, and this moment of silence represented repentance. I said, "Let's stop talking about the money, I just want to meet you, I miss you." ”

An Xin was stunned for a moment, then lowered his head and said, "Oh." ”

I asked, "Did you miss me?" ”

I turned my head to look at her, and the white street lamp reflected her face without a trace of blood, but the paleness was so beautiful. That beauty makes you feel sorrow and serenity, and sometimes sorrow and serenity are more soul-stirring than all passion and unrestrainedness!

I lowered my voice, and even I didn't expect it to suddenly become hoarse when I lowered it, as if not being hoarse was not enough to express my inner emotion and anxiety.

"Did you miss me?"

I asked her again, but I was disappointed. Anxin shook his head and said, "Oh, no, I'm too busy this time. ”

I looked at her for a long time, and I said, "But I miss you." ”

She shook her head again slightly: "You don't know me Yang Rui, everything you see is unreal." I'm not the simple girl you want. I'm too complicated as a person, I've done many, many wrong things, I've had too many troubles in my life, and that's not what you want. ”

I drove the car to where I lived. We didn't talk again all the way. The car drove downstairs to my house, and I turned off the fire and said nothing.

Anxin opened his mouth: "Yang Rui......"

I look at her.

Anxin avoided my gaze, looked back out the window, and stopped talking.

"It's too late, I should go back." She said, "Tomorrow there will be a new beginner class in the gym, and I have to get up early to clean up." ”

I put one hand on hers, and my right hand held her thin left hand, the palm of which was close to the palm of the hand, and it was a little hot. Slowly, the reassuring fingertips moved imperceptibly on the back of my hand, which was a particularly subtle communication, a very warm and touching feeling. That feeling is: we are attracted to each other, we all need each other, there should be a passion and emotion between us. I said, "Anxin, you promised me to tell me about you." I asked, "Do you want to tell me?" ”

An Xin turned his head, his face was calm, so calm that he could barely see any expression. But her voice, which I could hear, contained forgiveness and intimacy, and she asked softly, "What do you want to know?" ”

I smiled slightly.

I said, "I want to know, your past, I want to know everything about your past." ”