After graduating from junior college, I was assigned to work as a real estate consultant in a real estate company by the school, and I didn't want to be confined to the kitchen and love, and I didn't want to be confined between the house and the client, so I quit my job at that time and fled back to Beijing as a matter of course.

Like all dreamers, there is always a time when the mind is restless. Despite everyone's opposition, I went to Beijing again to wander and started a tricky career.

Back in Beijing, I couldn't wait to find a small suite near Shilihe and bought a mattress, a table, a lamp, a kettle, a rice pot and some simple cutlery. This is my home, my world. I officially started living alone. Living alone, although it is hard, everything can be decided by yourself.

The mind is restless just to not starve to death in the future. I was born poor and never complained about what happened to me. In the end, I chose the real estate industry, mainly to work for life.

I inadvertently fell in love with writing, and I don't think it would be so pure. As the saying goes, if you don't experience pain, how can you know that memory is unforgettable. People need different imprints in different times to prove that they meet a certain standard of definition and become a certain kind of person who is accepted.

When I was studying in Tianjin, I took the bullet train to Beijing every holiday, and the fare was very cheap, and the one-way ticket price was only more than 50 yuan. I followed a group of staff members stationed in the crew. I have to work in the studio for more than ten hours every day, work all the way until the early hours of the morning, and then follow the crew to the hotel at one or two o'clock every night, until I go to bed at two or three o'clock, and I am woken up at four or five o'clock.

At that time, my daily salary was 120 yuan, and I was in a state where I wanted to buy everything, but I couldn't afford anything. In hindsight, it was good at the time, because I couldn't afford it, so I had to discourage myself from spending and instead focus my time and energy on work.

In the studio, I can see not only Peng Yuyan, Lin Gengxin, Tong Dawei, Han Xue, Jiang Yiyan and other big stars every day, but also Hong Kong directors Tsui Hark and Er Dongsheng. My place of work is always on the move, and the place is not fixed.

When I go back to school, I always want to stay in my dorm room as much as possible, not go anywhere, and do what I love.

If there is no base area, travel is just endless wandering, but for some people, the so-called home base is just a fixed place to collect bills and packages.

I remember chatting with Peng Yuyan once, and he told me that his residence in Beijing changes frequently, and there is no way to inform the various mail units with which he has transactions before each change, so he has to send the relevant bills and emails to a friend's house. I'm actually quite glad that so. At the very least, all parcels, including their own bills, have a fixed home.

This chat is rare, after all, I am different from the birth class of others. People rest and live in hotels, and earn tens of millions of dollars a week; I can only live in a hotel with the crew, with a daily salary of 12, this is the gap. I worked up to 16 hours on a day's salary, and fortunately, the crew had all the food and lodging.

This is also my conflict, I look forward to wandering the world, but I also feel that it is important to have a fixed home. So I didn't even go back to that place in the end.

When I got home, I was just about to go to bed when an assistant director friend called me and asked me to do him a favor.

The next day, I was invited to the hotel to attend the press conference of the TV series "Midsummer Evening Sunny Day", and happened to meet the assistant director and the chief director in the long corridor of the hotel, the chief director was preparing to shoot a court drama, it turned out that he was also the chief producer of this play, and he cooperated with several film and television companies to co-produce, until after each shot was completed, I finally showed my face. I didn't expect my footage to be cut out during their post-editing. I comfort the eighteenth generation of the editor's ancestors in my heart, Lao Tzu is filming so hard, have you been fucking kicked in the brain by a donkey. The reason is very simple, that is, he didn't want me to be on camera for the time being, saying that I robbed the lens of a certain traffic niche.

When I returned to my hotel room and pulled up the curtains, I saw a brand-new stretched Lincoln parked in front of the hotel. It was none other than someone else who got out of the car, it was a traffic student. I've always hated him, relatively speaking, he hates me even more, and my attitude of hating him has never changed, but now it's not people who come to me on their own initiative. I don't want to deal with him, but didn't Director Chen speak, Director Chen has to hang up on him for this face, doesn't he?

Otherwise, people say that I am a little childish, which seems a bit unauthentic! It's unreasonable to be reasonable, and besides, I also came out to mix, and I have long since abandoned my previous sharpness and willfulness.

"Hey, how are you doing? Have you ever called your family. "The first time we met, it was so cordial that it was like someone I had known before.

I ignored him, feeling that I didn't have anything in common with this person, and I was afraid of embarrassment at the banquet, so I pretended to be sick. But he was still dragged by Director Chen.

"I'll go up first!" He said hello and went straight backstage to touch up his makeup and prepare for the press conference.

Then I went up to the fifth floor, and through the long hallway, I saw a supporting actor come out of the bathroom, and when he saw me, he smiled, "Ah, such a coincidence? I can still meet you here, fate. She climbed very quickly, and she is now the second female supporting actress in this play.

"Well, what a coincidence." I replied casually and stayed at the toilet door, looking a little embarrassed.

"Why are you here, you ......?" she wondered.

I stopped awkwardly at the door for a while, and finally pulled the corners of my mouth, winked and smiled, and then opened the door and entered the house.

In the entertainment industry, in the face of more inquiries from media reporters, many celebrities choose to avoid these questions and remain silent. Most of them don't want to let themselves swagger through the market and appear in the public's eye.

After the press conference, I was silent at the dinner table within a radius of two meters, and in the blink of an eye, Director Chen and I had three bottles of beer. I suddenly had a sense of excitement, walked over to pick up vegetables for Ms. Li from the producer, poured wine for Mr. Jia, and made myself look like a grandson, the only uncomfortable thing is myself, who made myself a junior? It's out of courtesy! Traffic Xiaosheng sarcastically mocked me: "I didn't expect to be quite good at being a man now." ”

I smiled and said, "I really should thank you, I'm out of shape and out of shape now." ”

The traffic Xiaosheng was flushed, and he lowered his head at the dinner table and pretended to eat wildly, but there was no response.

The surnamed Jia said flattering words during the banquet: "I think Lu Xi is a malleable talent, and he has enough advantages to enter the ranks of fresh meat." ”

"I'm sorry, I didn't study acting deeply enough, I was just experiencing life, and I didn't think about anything else."

The surnamed Jia sighed: "You are very good-looking, it's a pity not to act." ”

I hurriedly interrupted him: "I'm really sorry, I drank too much, I have to release the water." ”

When I came out, I was alone in the long corridor looking for a toilet, and when I heard movement in the back room, I stopped at the door for a while and walked in with the strength of my wine.

There was no light on inside, it was dark, I lightly pressed the small lamp in the entrance, with a light, I was stunned and respected, looking at Director Chen, who was lying on the ground honestly, crooked his neck, and had already come to a certain actress in the dark, his arms were open, and the two had already hugged each other and kissed her face.

I was about to take a step when I paused and turned off the light again. The actress woke up in shock. "Ahh She screamed, immediately opened her eyes wide, pushed the human-faced beast-hearted guy with both hands, kicked her feet indiscriminately, and twisted her head left and right to prevent him from succeeding.

I pretended not to see it, but the director surnamed Chen picked up his body, his head was full of black lines, and his expression was exaggerated and pretentious, delicate and pretentious, without any real feelings. I knew he wanted to play with the ambiguity, but because of my momentary appearance, I was completely disinterested, and explained: "I'm sorry you misunderstood, I drank too much, what you just saw is not all real, don't believe your eyes." ”

I grinned, controlling my emotions. Silently read in my heart and understand, how can the showbiz be called the showbiz if it doesn't tell the actors about the drama and play ambiguously? I'm a little sad, why is the professionalism and moral standard of young directors and actors so low?

Later, I found out that movies are holy prostitutes, entertainment is grandstanding, and the so-called dedication to art must be like this! On this road, some girls will inevitably lose their innocence in order to get to the top, and in the end, they can't figure out whether they are actors or holy prostitutes.

Almost a week later, director Chen Weixiang took us to witness the new economic growth point of Hengdian. The small streets of 100 meters long, the small buildings on both sides are stacked on both sides, and the great buildings here seem to have nothing to do with this town, such as the Qingming Riverside Map, the New Yuan Ming Palace......

In recent years, Hengdian's film and television cultural tourism industry has driven the growth of the entire Hengdian GDP, and the construction of the film and television city has attracted thousands of people to travel and sightsee, and nearly 300,000 people flock to this town every year. There are also a lot of cars here, most of them are quad bikes.

The most famous here are the Ming and Qing Dynasty Palaces, the Qin Palace, the Qingming Riverside Map, and the Dream Valley.

Hengdian has become the largest film and television shooting base in Asia, and is called China's Hollywood by Hollywood magazine in the United States.

But to be honest, the mainland needs a director who can show the art of Chinese ink painting and its rich gestures to Westerners.

It is not the love stories of the fifth generation that are a lot of rural deformities, not the now controversial anti-Japanese thunder dramas, nor the Korean soap operas that cry and wipe away tears, but the real state of people living in the city. For example, Wang Jun's "Little Farewell" before, as well as the online drama "Residual Sin" starring Zhang Yishan, these are all conscience dramas.

But I don't think this person has appeared, at least so far.

I stayed in Hengdian for more than half a month, and I never adapted. It's not like Shanghai, it's not like Beijing, the indigenous culture here is obvious, and it can't hide its lazy comfort.

I love the city, I like the tranquility so that I can escape from the hustle and bustle. Early in the morning, I just finished running in a sportswear, and I ran along this Qin palace to the Ming and Qing Dynasty palaces, many people said that I got up early, and the work was hot, and I felt that I had a special connotation of literature and art with a pair of glasses.

There is Zhou Xiuna in the literary circle, and Nizi in the entertainment industry.

The frequency and number of these two goddesses changing boyfriends are well known to the world, and even though Nizi is not as good as Zhou, she is the first in China.

She would rather be abusive than sexual, but her love came and went suddenly. She is always in pursuit of the freshness of love, and is 100% invested in every love, and this is what she pursues, yes, it is the feeling!

Like me, an ordinary hardship who feels that the world is peaceful when he is full, he can't understand that realm.

"Why don't you speak?"

Seeing that I was silent, Nizi couldn't help but ask.

I'm a newcomer with a lot of momentum, and I haven't studied the rules of this industry thoroughly enough, and I can barely accept some kind of care from her, after all, I still think there is an ambiguous relationship between us.

Therefore, I also talked to her, like some crews are very economical in terms of food, clothing, housing and transportation, how shabby and shabby they are.

She nodded and asked, "Then what should you do if you encounter this situation?" ”

"What else can I do, just like everyone else." Reading between the lines.

I looked at the extras on my right, lying in their chaise longues and sleeping soundly, and I thought they were working harder than I thought.

Niko seemed to feel that her hands were not long enough, so she moved her body and called for the assistant to bring her own cigarettes.

Nizi said in a slightly hoarse voice with a cigarette in her mouth, "It's not easy for everyone. ”

"Do you still have a cigarette, give me one." I stared at the cigarette case in her hand.

I don't like girls to smoke, but I don't care if people really smoke, so she took out a cigarette and put it in her mouth, lit it, took a hard puff, and handed it to me.

I took a puff, maybe a little too hard, and then choked and coughed, white smoke coming out of my mouth.

Nizi helped me fan the aftermath of the cigarette and said in surprise, "You don't know how to smoke?" I thought you would. If you don't, don't smoke it. ”

I glanced at her, picked up the cigarette that I had ravaged between my fingers, took two puffs and gasped for air, stretched my arms back hard, and threw my head back to hear my cervical spine rattle. I wonder if I've had cervical spondylosis recently. I need another cigarette to cool down.

I felt my heart twitch and it seemed as if we had no boundaries and were one. The thought of this fills every cell with a sickly sense of euphoria.

I talked to Niko, "You're getting married, and I'll definitely be your best man to help you." Ask the best photographer in the country to take your wedding dress. I will do my best to make your sweetness the center of attention in all the media. ”

But she said, I don't want to talk about marriage yet, after all, unlike most people, she is a public figure, she said that if she is hyped by some ill-intentioned people, it will affect her career, and she has been known as the queen of scandals and bad movies in the entertainment industry for so many years, so that her emotions have gotten out of control several times, which is enough to bother her, she said that she has no time to pay attention to those lace news. Recently, she said that she has slowly lowered her profile, but fortunately it has not made more people sick to their stomachs, which she is very happy about.

Once she talks about marriage early, she doesn't know how many iron fans will be disappointed, and she is afraid that her iron fans will not support her acting career after they know about it.

In recent years, she has been sought after by fans in the entertainment industry, because everyone thinks that she should not be married, have no children, and if she is single, they can continue to think about her, and no matter how you think about it, they will not think of some excessive or unappetizing thoughts.

Just imagine, no one will have that fantasy idea for a yellow-faced woman who holds her child all day long and feeds her breastfeeding. After the age of marriage, the marital status is not announced to the public, and fans can still show off that what they like is still a goddess, not a woman, but in this way, it is all ruining their happiness.

If you have to keep a low profile and get married, others can't say anything, because in their eyes, they still think you're not married. Then, they can continue to woo you and continue to be in the wrong with your thoughts. She knows very well in her heart that the privacy issue in the entertainment industry is the top priority, filming more while she is young, and making more money, in case one day she is accidentally taken by the paparazzi in order to shoot indecent videos for her sales performance, so that she is on the cusp, and the wall is pushed by everyone, disappointing more fans and chilling more industry colleagues.

She said that she didn't have much time to think about it anymore, and the rest of the time just wanted to study her acting skills so that she could be worthy of her fans and the national audience. She used to drink in her room, with new wine glasses and treasured dry red that never went out of style, and a TV station broadcast a TV series starring her, and nothing more important to her was heart death, even though we were just acting.

A drama and a relationship, in this circle of fame and fortune, there is no human touch, only a chain of interests. There is no heart like a knife, only silence separated. Some time ago, Entertainment Information Network and Headline News Network were all about her scandals, and the cover was clearly printed with a woman and three men, and the media said that she had changed three boyfriends in the past year, and the speed of throwing people was comparable to the speed of Brother Xiaolong's punches per second in front of the camera.

In recent years, the chaos in the entire entertainment park has become increasingly serious, and the actors' salaries are sky-high, either the producer can't afford it, or the producer has a lack of production, resulting in difficulties in post-production and distribution.

Some big-name stars once proclaimed to the media that they had market appeal, saying that the box office guarantee was at best box office poison and the king of bad movies. In front of the media, he was bombastic and brazen, saying that he didn't rely on his appearance, but on his strength.

Some producers don't want to avoid letting more money flow into the pockets of those who are high-eyed and low-priced, and ask for prices because of an IP TV series. He felt that I should return the favor to him, so I reluctantly reluctantly did it.

The water in the entertainment industry is relatively deep, and I am also more life-saving and more afraid. At that time, I was still young in society, and I didn't think of a solution at all, I was bluffed by them, I was tricked by them, and if that was the case, I really couldn't find a place to die. So far, I haven't been back there.

I thought I would never write a story again, even though there were so many faces in my mind and so many inspirations that I wanted to put into my pen, but sadly, I didn't want to see their names again.

At the moment my text has no fancy embellishments, and there are no too many sensational words. Am I happier than everyone else? Yes. I often tell myself that. I never told my parents these words in person, told my friends, and I consoled myself especially when I felt lonely, or had to endure some ridicule. No matter what other people say, no matter what the circumstances around me are, I have to find a reason to live happily.

Loneliness, it's a way of life that I was born with. It's also a survival skill that I'm proud of. If you can, after a vigorous life journey and then end up with suicide, it's like the kind of life that can be written as a memoir or made into a movie.

In this world, everything is "from the heart, because of the mind". Over time, the world will change, and so will we. In fact, we don't know when the change began, whether it was after the disappointment of the college entrance examination at the age of 18, or after the failure to find a job at the age of 23, or when the uncle died of illness at the age of 24 and felt powerless. In short, change is so silent, but it always makes people realize it unintentionally.

I've kept in touch with my cousin all these years, and I know that he's not doing well at all, better than anyone else.

Yes, my uncle passed away in September 2016, dying of advanced stomach cancer. Some time before his uncle left, his body was quite strong, and what hit him the most was the fight incident in which his brother instigated his nephew to beat his uncle.

Mei Biyu's father is the best oncologist in the city and has been working his uncle's surgery, so her cousin has always been grateful.

My aunt said that her family owed the Mei family too much kindness, and several surgical fees could be waived as much as possible. So, just like that, my cousin agreed to date Mei Biyu.

My uncle's health did not improve during his hospitalization, and I did not have time to see him until after his death, I seemed to be making a kind of compensation, a kind of repentance.

The cousin knows that he has to carry some kind of complicated social relationship, with his father's illness, with gratitude and repayment to the Mei family, with the task of maintaining the relationship with the Mei family, and must accept to like Mei Biyu against his will. He knew he couldn't help it, so he begged me. I took advantage of this loophole, and with so many years of guilt and secrets, I fell in love with Mei Biyu.

All the stories that we thought we couldn't understand or understand will eventually be understood in the long river of time. All the people or things that we find unforgettable and can't let go of will slowly be let go of as we get older.

In March 2017, I arrived in this strange city with excitement and anticipation. From the moment I got off the train, I was a little scared. The crowd is crowded, and I am carrying large bags and small bags, and I can't find the north and south. Looking at the unfamiliar station names, staring intently at the route map on the bus stop sign, forcibly remembering one stop after another, for fear of taking the stop. By the time we got to our destination, it was already dark. That was the first night I saw that belonged to the Golden City.

Frankly speaking, after graduation, I also felt very hard, running from Beijing to Jincheng alone, alone, without friends, and only a small room of 30 square meters. My classmates are currently eating, drinking, and organising trips, but I have to settle the rest of my life in the ordeal that life has to offer you. I also have to learn to look at my face and do things in the workplace. My friends are all working steadily under the arrangement of their parents, and some are still studying hard to prepare for the civil service exam, but I have to work alone in this familiar and unfamiliar lonely city.

Bitterness is bitterness, loneliness is loneliness, but what can be done?

I always tell myself not to stop, or the world will forget you.

I don't want to be able to lie down in the gaps of memories and look at the past, I don't want to just remember what you looked like, like sculptures, dusty in the photos of memory. I don't want to be able to mention everything after a long absence, I can only say that I hope that I can still try my best to record everything in words before I become numb, remember everyone who has left a mark in my own smoke and dust, remember every warmth that has touched me, and remember what made me the person I want to be today.

Once, I hated my hypocrisy of crying at every turn. Now, I am more and more able to accept the moment when I am moved. Because I am not afraid of being seen as emotionally fragile, I can get more touches than others.

Not long after I first came to Jincheng, my classmates occasionally had the opportunity to contact each other, and a group of classmates gathered in Jincheng lively. At the party, before I had eaten supper, I was very drunk. Some people disappeared as they walked, but there were others who gathered at the intersection again while walking.

There is a kind of loneliness when I suddenly look back at the way I came from many years later, only to find that there was a time when I had been repeating the loneliness of being swept into the vortex of reality.

In life, I care too much about grades and other people's opinions, and I am often shrouded in depression after being filled with some complex emotions, tossing and turning, and being anxious, not just to fulfill the more perfect self in the eyes of others. I used to think that by torturing myself like this and smoothing out my edges and corners, I would look quieter in the crowd. After experiencing some things that ordinary people have never experienced, I realized that I had not been calm, and my heart was still tumbling with a blank and helpless feeling that others could not read.

What kind of tempering do you have to go through to disown it, how do you convey your original intention to the outside world to achieve a certain defined standard?

Shuttling on the viaduct, his face is indifferent, like a machine, the pace is monotonous, and he never complains, and he feels sad. I thought that life was my own choice, and I thought that my posture could be adhered to, but unfortunately, the shadow that everyone can't escape is how others see themselves at this time.

My family composition is not as superior as others, so since I was a teenager, I have been studying hard to achieve better grades, to get better opportunities, to win more praise and applause. I died the night before.

A friend said that I had long forgotten how to cry or when to cry, and although my heart was soft, I couldn't indulge myself and let myself cry out loud or laugh out loud. In my opinion, it is a sin to indulge yourself in tears, people who don't understand your tears feel that it doesn't matter, and people who know your tears, how can you be willing to let her cry with you.

My friend's confession made my anxiety speak for itself, first insomnia, then malnutrition, and finally endocrine disorders.

I often sit on the couch in the dead of night, smoking, drinking, hoping that I will never be too sober, and I think I really don't have the courage to accept failure. The root cause of people's fear of facing reality is that they do not meet certain defined standards. Sometimes, I work late and feel exhausted. The bus was even more crowded, and the thought of quitting came to my mind, but I was hesitant. Change will make the future full of many possibilities, but I am always inexplicably afraid of that change.

When I first came to Jincheng, I made a heavy oath that I must buy a house in Jincheng and mix up my personal appearance.

One year after graduation, my family background is average, and I want to buy a house in Jincheng, and I always think that I will realize this dream in the next two or three years. So much so that I now work hard and earn money every day, never willing to waste time and money.