It's been the third day since I went home on National Day, and it has rained for three days in a row, and even the rain hasn't stopped at night. Life at home seems to have become much simpler, and it is easy to give people the illusion of isolation, which will make people sink and feel bored, and start to think about the days when they go to and from work and work overtime.

Yesterday, I was supposed to continue to write an early bedtime diary, but due to some things, I fell asleep late for a while, and I felt that I had lost my original intention of writing an early bedtime diary when I went to bed late, so I had time to write during the day today. I always feel that there are thousands of words that need to be put on paper, and the words from the bottom of my heart may not be so heavy and stressful, and I will not lose sleep all night because of cranky thoughts.

Life in my hometown is indeed very simple, I have nothing to do except hold my mobile phone every day, and because of the rain, other plans to help my family do farm work have also come to naught. There is no bathing condition at home, maybe I'm lazy, or the weather is cold, I haven't shampooed my hair for three days, and my scalp is already greasy and now I feel very itchy and uncomfortable. The tap water at home has been cut off for several days, and the water for eating in the past two days has been rainy, and it is inconvenient to slide the road to carry water when it rains. I use water sparingly at home, and it is really difficult to carry water, and the distance is relatively long.

Someone died in Zhuangzi, and my dad went to help last night as if he didn't come back overnight, my mom was preparing lunch in the kitchen, I didn't get up long after brushing my teeth and washing my face, ready to read, and when I came home, I took a book, but my heart couldn't calm down and couldn't read it, so I updated my early bedtime diary.

In the past, I thought that I should write an early bedtime diary before going to bed, and after writing about the events of the day, I could sleep peacefully all day long. I found out that I was wrong, and there were several times when I broke off, either because I was drunk, or because I had a lot of trouble and had insomnia and didn't want to update. The real troubles may only be felt by yourself, and you can't accurately record them in words. If it can be completely recorded, the thoughts exposed to the air are only processed and reorganized, and it should not be called the real heart. Just now, Baidu clicked my name, and there were a lot of links to early bedtime diaries, which gave me a reason and motivation to continue updating. The reason and motivation in the past was brought to me by AH, and she said that those who would read it would become my readers, so I wrote it without hesitation, and I only told AH alone. I don't know if she's been reading it, maybe not, I'm just an insignificant and dispensable existence in her heart, sometimes it's pressure or burden. But I'm still grateful to AH, at least she guided me in the direction, so that I can use the way of writing to divert my attention and distract from liking someone, and now I seem to have really let go, time is good medicine, although I don't have a new love, but time has slowly healed me. The update of the early bedtime diary may be more casual, just a few words or a long speech, there is no limit on the number of words and update time, there is a need to update when something happens in my heart, I will record it so or it makes sense. Keeping an early bedtime journal doesn't necessarily make me go to bed early, but I've changed my habit of staying up late and repeating the same nightmare at the same time, and those changes are pretty much the same.

As for the reason why there was no update last night, it was because I was really disappointed and didn't want to write a word. The reason for the loss has to start with the message that N replied. After all, during the Mid-Autumn Festival, I was actually worried that she told me that day that she was in a bad mood, and I sent her a message, but she was very annoyed and didn't want me to send her a message. But I didn't realize my mistake, I was too lucky, I took the initiative to send her a message to show her with the attitude of trying, to show her that I cared about her. However, it backfired, and this time it seemed to completely anger her, and I lost the opportunity to care for her and take care of her as before. She said, you don't have to be like this, your concern goes beyond the scope of your friends. I suddenly woke up, she has always regarded me as a fellow countryman or a friend, and because I have been single for too long, it is easy to have illusions, thinking about how to like her, I am too naïve, she has always refused and has never given me a chance to perform. This is the painful lesson paid as a licking dog, I was really very lost and became wrong, just like AH did to me at the beginning, delete WeChat and don't let me be entangled anymore. I'm a humble being, I don't have a sense of existence, I don't deserve to be mentioned or seen in front of my colleagues or friends. Don't like it like this, wishful thinking can't impress the person you like at all, the daily life of licking the dog seems to be a big joke, but I don't want to admit it, and I'm still fantasizing about some unrealistic occurrences or results!

Yes, I didn't even have a beginning, I was still expecting an end, and what satisfactory results could I have, and I suddenly got tired and found myself a big fool, a hopelessly big fool. People may not really be worth it, my liking is too humble and cheap, I should stop the loss immediately, so as not to hurt myself in the self-righteous contest. N is indeed a good girl, but I am not blessed, she refuses to like her because she is afraid that I will be hurt, I should actually understand and keep my distance in time. AH is different, she seems to be taking advantage of my liking, sometimes reaching out to me when she needs help, such as bringing breakfast or other trivial things, I always thought that as long as I was willing, it would always become simple. AH also told me that sometimes the experience is more important than the result, and I have always believed in her words, the person who likes or loves but can't, the experience and memories may be more important than being together. I found out that I was wrong, I didn't belong to the same category of people as AH, I had too good a memory, too deep a memory, and I couldn't get out easily. I'd rather not experience it, have no beginning, no expectations, no loss and sadness, and finally be detached, no real feelings, and no hurt.

N is different, she has been telling me to stop the loss in time, but I didn't understand her intentions, she took the initiative to greet or care about me, and I just insisted on going my own way. Sometimes it's hard to restrain yourself from liking someone, and it's hard to grasp the right distance sometimes. I thought about it carefully, I really can't believe all the words that girls say, half or almost, their unintentional words such as accompanying her to read a book and go for a run to recommend a movie to me, are doing a big thing and tell me in a few days, and these things are often gone, but I haven't forgotten and am still looking forward to happening, I don't know girls too well.

AH and N are girls I want to like and take care of, they don't like me, they don't give me a chance, I finally understand, like a person really can't be forced, will give each other a big pear, your like is humble and cheap is not worth mentioning, so stop loss in time and let go in time to keep a proper distance, this is the best way, you may be able to be friends in the future, otherwise you won't even have the opportunity to be friends. The protagonist of the early bedtime diary writes that to this day, the two heroines AH and N often appear in my writings, sometimes AH is the mainstay, sometimes N is the main, I have a hunch that they should all disappear from my text, and one day they will finally leave my world and life. And my own life goes on and maybe not much has changed. The early bedtime diary has no protagonist, is it necessary for me to continue to write it?

I think I'll keep writing as always. Documenting real life and being my own protagonist and reader, my dream was to write my own book, and I would continue to do so even if I was the only fan. Some people appear in your life force, teach you a lot of truths and then they leave suddenly, what you can do is not to miss the past and can't come out of the memories, but to be grateful and grateful for their appearance, so that you have the courage and strength to face the world better. Some people don't need to say goodbye, just passers-by, and forgetting is the best memorial we give each other.

I finally made a firm decision not to take the initiative to send messages anymore, she is a girl with a male ticket, and any concern I have will only disgust her and put unnecessary pressure on her. I guess that in the past few days, she should have been with the man again when she returned to her hometown, and she no longer needed any care and warmth from me, an ordinary friend, so she resolutely refused, saying such ugly and hurtful words, maybe only this decisive and unambiguous is good for me, I understand her. As a licking dog, I knew that I would lose if I took too much initiative at the beginning, but I didn't know that I would lose so badly and have nothing, this is the sadness of being a licking dog, I have long expected it and can actually accept it calmly.

For AH, my gratitude to her has been buried in my heart beyond words, after all, she is a girl I really like to live with, I just hope she is good, I seem to have done everything I can, but after all, my ability is limited and I can't give her what she wants, such as a sense of security. I used to think about making up for her by being a little bit old, such as bringing a delicious breakfast, I guess I was wrong, my right liking has made me not myself, I'm really tired. After I go back on National Day, I probably won't bring her breakfast anymore, not because I don't like her anymore and want to take care of her, but because I find me too naïve and stupid. I think I finally restrained my liking for her, I admit that I have always been grateful to AH in my heart, but I can't go on like that, I can't give myself any unrealistic illusions, I'm going to change myself, licking the dog is really a little tired, I will let go of my liking for her at the same time. I've already started to do it, and I can be safe from all poisons without expecting anything.

I no longer take the initiative, I no longer suffer from gains and losses, and I no longer feel sad and sad. Just go back to my previous life alone, I am destined to be a boring and lonely soul, suitable for solitude, suitable for quiet, suitable for loneliness, I want to hide my heart, disguise my desires, just like before. Don't force it, don't be humble, don't lose yourself, no longer be a licking dog with nothing, there will be no complaints and expectations when you see it, those memories that have been experienced or are still being experienced, I can always forget, time is my favorite way, and going with the flow is the safest way. Goodbye, I want to like someone, I finally understand, let go is another kind of like. And I can't tell anymore, are you a friendship or a missed love? I will learn to give up on you because I love you so much! If you suddenly want to listen to Jay's songs, let's go listen to them!