Time at home is so fast, the week-long National Day holiday is over. Tomorrow is going to pack up and return, these days have been very peaceful, no expectation of a little loss, these two days have not rained again, has been working in the field, yesterday afternoon and today all day, it is very fulfilling, time feels a lot faster. My sister came to the house, with the second Bohan, so naughty baby, maybe I'm more reticent, the child said that he was afraid of my uncle, it was very strange, I was actually quite good at pleasing children. My parents have more or less physical problems, my father is always complaining about life and everything, and I seem to be deaf and silent as before. Not long after my mother's surgery, she couldn't do very heavy physical work, and I, as my only son, couldn't change anything at the moment, so I blamed myself very much, thinking that I might not feel so guilty about running away from my parents. In fact, I've been working hard, but I can't change anything, it's my own lack of ability, maybe only when I get married can I get better, but I don't even have a female ticket at the moment, I don't know how to change and work hard, anyway, I don't worry about the two elders, it's really not easy for everyone to live, take one step at a time.

Seeing my dad arguing with others over eight dollars, and I, as a college student in the family, don't know how to settle accounts, and I don't seem to care about thirty-three dollars at all. I'm really not fit for business, such as selling apples, the world is big, people's hearts are sinister, so be careful in the future. I've suffered losses, the kind of self-inflicted losses that I can't tell others, just be vigilant. Let's eat a trench and grow wise.

Since N didn't let me message her, I've been very sensible and haven't been particularly active in texting her anymore. I guess either she's really going through something tricky and upset, and she doesn't want to share her heart with me anymore, and I won't comfort anyone. Either she's been with a guy lately, an Aquarius girl, and doesn't allow herself to make mistakes with other guys or illusions, or maybe my step-by-step, stubborn concern makes her hate me and start to stay away from me. Actually, I really didn't confess to N, I just tried to like her in my own way, maybe I was wrong and I didn't deserve it, so she alienated me. This holiday, she didn't take the initiative to send me even a word, I couldn't help but send her a message early in the morning that day, and after a long time she only replied with a few words, and I got up. My tirade is a little awkward to seem so out of place at the moment. I'm afraid that I can't help but browse the previous chat history, so I will empty all the chat history about N on WeChat and QQ with one click. I still pay attention to her dynamics all the time, QQ online status, space messages, and occasional likes on business cards, which may attract her attention. One day, AH suddenly added me to WeChat, and the remark message was to thank me for bringing breakfast to her before, and now I don't need breakfast, and I will be invited to eat after the exam or something. I looked at it and didn't agree again. I know that I have let go of my liking for AH at this moment, and even if the necessary care in the future will be due to my ability as a colleague or ordinary friend, I am really relieved. I decided not to be a licking dog anymore and be unconditionally good to a girl, because such a boy will not be cherished by a girl the least, and in the end there will be nothing, and the only one who will be hurt may be himself. Although my heart is strong enough, I sometimes can't be the master when I like someone, and if I have expectations, I will be disappointed, and I will become attached to the daily chats and heart-to-heart talks. And the daily life of a single dog, the lonely days do not allow me to get used to these habits and become dependent on anyone, otherwise I really can't let go of it for a year and a half. N did the right thing this time, deliberately alienating and snubbing me, just to remind me to keep my distance between good friends and not to like someone who shouldn't like someone who is destined to be a passerby. I feel very relieved when I think about it like this, she is really too good and good, she is too good at thinking about others, I am really unworthy, I am not worthy of liking or pursuing, etc. AH is the same, she will always have a place in my heart, she is the first girl I like in the true sense, for her I am willing as a licking dog, and I have always been grateful to her.

I don't seem to have a proper contact for N, her identity, fellow countryman, colleague, friend, etc., it doesn't feel like this anymore. Since there is no opportunity to like, you can't be a person you can like, I think you should keep a good distance, those chats that talk about everything in the past experience, etc., are like deleted WeChat or chat records, which are instantly blank.

It turns out that everything has been owned, and everything is blank!

After the holidays, I will return tomorrow and go to work normally, and N and AH may soon disappear from my life. The protagonist who once existed in the early bedtime diary for so long disappeared without results, and there was a sense of loss. I think life still goes on, no one really can't live without anyone, let it be, I will also take the initiative and start to pursue new goals, and strive to restore life to the way it was before, that kind of life is uneventful, there is no expectation, but it is easy to sink people.

Below, I wrote a separate N sentence and prepared to send it to her on WeChat at the end, but it has not been put into action:

JL: I really regret that I didn't keep my friends at arm's length. My concern and curiosity for you slowly extended beyond the scope of my friends, and you began to annoy me, and I realized my stubbornness, but it seemed that it was too late, and your attitude towards me changed not quite the same as before, and I was already aware of it. Although I am self-righteous at times, I am also self-aware. It would be nice if life was only as it was when we first saw it, and all beginnings and encounters were beautiful.

I am really a lonely and boring soul, destined to be lonely, I am also used to being lonely, no longer have expectations, and without expectations, there will be no loss. And your presence gave me the courage to change, the idea and the urge to like someone. Sometimes liking is just a matter of one person, wishful thinking but it is uncontrollable and prone to delusions. Thank you for chatting with me during this time and giving me warmth. I have also tried, and I have no regrets with a clear conscience, and I can be relieved.

Habit is really a terrible thing, used to sharing life and work with you every day, when suddenly one day you no longer take the initiative to contact me, no longer reply to my messages, no longer share your life thoughts or stories, I am suddenly very lost and lonely. I probably really care too much, that's why I've been waiting for your news, even if it's a good night, I admit I'm looking forward to it, looking forward to your sharing and chatting. I am a person who does not have a story, I like to listen to other people's stories, I prefer people who have stories, and your story you told me may be just the tip of the iceberg, I regret I don't know if I will have the opportunity to continue listening as a friend.

What I have lost is a person who can be talked about and cherish, like, take care of, and appreciate, and you may just lose a dispensable fellow or friend.

I shouldn't be able to go back to the old days, and I regret it a little. I don't know if I can continue to be friends in the future, and if you will take the initiative to send me a message. Those unfinished stories, those unfulfilled promises and plans, etc., still have time to be realized. I may have been single for a long time and too withdrawn, I always feel inferior when I meet someone I like, I always feel that I am not worthy, I always self-denial, I don't know how to like someone, I really lack courage. I apologize for the stress and annoyance this has caused.

In the future, I will keep my best friends at a distance, try to control my liking, and be less curious to take the initiative to disturb you, and spy on your private life or your story. I really don't want to lose a friend of the opposite sex like yours so easily. I want to cherish it very much, I don't know if I still have a chance for wood? Sometimes I am really envious and jealous of your male ticket, what kind of boy can be worthy of you for a girl like you, so that I completely broke off my thoughts. It's too late to cherish, how can you bear to make her unhappy or insecure? If you don't have a male ticket, wouldn't you be so adamant about rejecting my liking or concern for you? It's a pity that there is no if, respect your wishes, and don't bring you Ya pear, this may be the way I like a person, as long as you are happy!

Like a person, sometimes you can be inferior, you can be humble, you can lose yourself, you can be willing, you can not ask for the end. However, I can't make the other person have worries and annoyances, so liking someone can be just right and in moderation? Although it is difficult, it is also necessary to practice it, let it go, and let it go and grow. That's what you taught me, and I thank you so much!

I don't know if I have the courage to tell my inner monologue and listen to N, I don't know if she still has the patience and courage to read it. She wouldn't know I wrote a novel or a blog. Or maybe you won't have a chance in the future, it doesn't really matter. Just as AH promised me that she would read my writings, she was the only one who knew what I was writing, and it didn't matter if she didn't read it at all, let alone a reader or a fan, etc. The important thing is that I think of writing as a way to release myself and a hobby, and to be able to keep going of it, starting and finishing well, and that's enough. Generally, on the night of leaving home and returning, I am also prone to insomnia, and I guess I can't sleep well tonight, but I still need to go to bed early, pretending to be asleep, good night!