Xiao Xia, Mom is lying on the bed now, thinking carefully about whether she and your dad have hugged in public after they got married, and whether Dad has kissed Mom lovingly.

This kind of thinking has often happened to my mother these days. The book says that this behavior is called rumination in the mind, and it is a normal and somewhat sad depressive behavior.

Although she knew that this behavior had this background, her mother was happy to do it, a bit like she couldn't help but itch, or like an alcoholic, she was a little addicted.

Sometimes when I reminisce like this, I may suddenly feel sad, and my mother will let her tears flow and ignore it. And after each time this happens, the fantasy of self-comfort has become a little more relieved.

Not only that, but the desire to change the status quo in my mother's heart became so strong that sometimes she even dreamed that she apologized to her grandfather. The flood of feelings was so intense that my mother would even wake up to the screams of apology.

That was the case last night, Mom woke up from a loud scream. But after waking up, it was amazing that I didn't have any expectations, I didn't want my shouting to attract anyone's attention and comfort, I just woke up, thinking that I should go to sleep as soon as possible, and continue to live in a panic. And it contrasts with the sense of loss after waking up alone in the dark night.

Recently, there are very few dreams about my father, and maybe in the tears of memory, the emotions in my heart have really been released.

I remember that when my mother and father were together, I often dreamed of my first boyfriend. I dreamed that he still misses his mother after many years, misses his mother, and comes to find his mother. When you wake up, you will feel that your whole person is overwhelmed by the feeling of love, and you are full of happiness.

Later, when I kept getting to know myself and my mental activities, I realized that that kind of dream was a reaction to longing, an illusion of longing for love. And such a strong desire is because of the absence of reality.

After Mom and Dad were separated, the utter despair in their hearts made them no longer want to be loved in the dream loop. The character of the first love boyfriend has since withdrawn from the stage.

The body, the independence and isolation of life, unexpectedly, released a part of the dreams that could not be walked out. Very pleasantly surprised.

No longer longing for that feeling of love and anticipation in her dreams, Mom has become another dream-like state, and can't help but rummage through memories when she is awake. Have I ever had that moment of comfort with your father, that kind of thoughtful words or behavior, a moment that warms the hearts of two people, is there any?

There are moments with specific impressions, as far as today's memory reserves are concerned, there are none. But there is a fantasy memory.

The good thing is that memories are not credible and editable. Mom, hoping that such a thing existed, filled in the real past with fantasies, allowing this false but tender memory to reside in her mind and soothe herself like a poppy.

It was when the mother was pregnant, and the doctor once said that Xiao Xia looked in the mother's womb, which may be a little different from what the standard says, what a small fetus should look like.

When my mother heard this, she was so nervous that she cried in the hospital and immediately called her father.

Mom cried while talking on the phone and walking back along the side of the road.

A pregnant woman, with a huge belly, whining and crying alone on the road, is simply a sight. A lot of people stopped to watch.

Two days later, my father took a leave of absence from the company and went to the hospital with my mother. While the doctor was examining my mother, my mother was still crying, always worried that the result would be as bad as the previous hospital said.

That's right, that was the time when Mom's fantasies wanted to fill in there.

When I came out of the hospital, my father should have put my arm on my mother's shoulder. The two of them should be very close together. It should have been that time, when my mother was crying, my father should have held my mother's hand. Words of comfort should also be available.

In the corridor of the hospital, my mother should be very hesitant and restless because she is so sad. Dad came up and hugged Mom, right?

After walking out of the hospital, did Dad take Mom into his arms again?

The memory is generated little by little, and the story is slowly depicted, and in some places it is so vivid, my mother even watched from an angle outside the sky as my father held my mother's hand, and the watch was clattering.

It's all exactly like the real thing.

Why dwell on such fantasies.

Mom has been thinking hard about this today. Is it really that important, when we were together, there was an affectionate hug, there was intimate comfort, is it really that important?

Yes, because being loved and being loved is important to mothers. Mom wished she had been taken seriously.

This feeling may no longer have a direct relationship with your dad, and it is more about yourself that your mother cares about. That kind of love, even to the height of marriage, how have you been treated, if you haven't even had a warm hug, your mother will feel that time is in a hurry, and there is nothing to recall.

However, the reality can be very harsh. Patches of memory eventually failed to become reality. Dad and mom are in public, almost as Dad asks, keep their distance.

The style of affectionate style is not the way Dad is at ease. And between gentle treatment and rational analysis, Dad leans towards the latter.

Mom wants intimacy, Dad doesn't want it. In the end, the relationship between Mom and Dad became like a chicken and a duck, and the donkey's lips were not the horse's mouth.

For a period of time, my mother was very surprised that she was in marriage, and she could be lonely as if she had died.

Xiao Xia doesn't have that kind of affectionate hug. The image of a couple holding hands on TV is very different from what Mom and Dad used to look like. And what my mother has always wished, our family of three really lived together hand in hand, and we have never had a solid life.

That's a kind of memory tidbit. A placebo woven from non-existent life.

Xiao Xia, the hug at that time, is a kind of fairy tale. Mom and Dad and you, the three of us are together, a family, and we will be together for the rest of our lives. In a small room, my father would come to hug my mother from time to time, talk to my mother, and kiss my mother. And Mom will look at Dad gently, look at you, and always want to hug you. You are running around the room playing, the sunlight is shining in, and the scene is so unreal at first glance, so like a dream, like an illusion, and this is what my mother has expected from our lives. A kind of hug at that time, fantasized, but unfortunately never existed.