I have a small world full of flowers and plants, and whenever it's just me, they bloom in full bloom.

I have a small world full of thorns, and whenever it's just me, they entangle me in every way.

This is the beginning of Zhao Xun's diary written in his father's illness, and in that small world, what is hidden is the place where Zhao Xun feels endless loneliness in the bottom of his heart.

Zhao Xun also repeatedly mentioned later that in the deepest part of her body and even soul, there have always been two mes, a good me and a bad me.

An angel, a demon.

She can't evaluate, can't speak, and can't control, every time her little shoulders are about to be unable to support it, the bad me, the unreasonable me, the demon, will definitely jump out, it will persuade Zhao to give up, to leave, to find your own little world.

Watching Hunan Satellite TV's XX Wonder Man through the classic drama, Zhao Xun also thought that she could become one of the characters when she woke up.

I'll just say the bad one, if you hadn't been to this noisy world yourself, wouldn't it have ended like this?

When the lights were on, a heavy rain washed away the loneliness and exaggeration of the city, and Zhao Xun stood in the heavy rain, and a drop of rain hit Zhao Xun's wrinkled long-handled umbrella that had been used for more than ten years, without the gentle drizzle described by those poets, nor the beating notes praised by those singers.

Some are just Zhao Xun's deep thoughts about "seeing the moon in the palace and being sad, and hearing the sound of bells and intestines in the night rain".

Zhao Xun wanted to take out her mobile phone and dial her brother, but she finally retreated, she just wanted to share half of the happiness with Coke, and she didn't want to share the pain and unhappiness with her brother.

On a night when no one was around, on a lonely street, Zhao Xun also tried to secretly wipe away the tears from the corners of her eyes, how much she even longed that she could cry, laugh, be flesh and blood like other girls, and also have someone who spoiled her as a three-year-old child.

In fact, Zhao Xun knew very well in his heart that at the age of 20, her marriage would be a hurdle that she would never be able to go through again in her life.

In the hospital, Zhao Xun has seen too many poor people, of course, he has also seen those who shouted indiscriminately with the nurse because of 3 yuan, and also saw those kneeling on the ground and constantly begging the patient's family members wearing surgical gowns in front of them.

Here, everyone wants to live, but the father doesn't.

Later, my father once wanted to end his life by self-harm, and every time I waited until it was almost night, it was the time when my father was most awake, and even Zhao Xun had a period of time, every day when she opened her eyes, she wanted to immediately turn into night.

Doctors say it's a typical phenomenon of heavy mornings and light nights.

His father always told Zhao Xun that it seemed that someone was spying on him, not Zhao Xun, not his younger brother, not Liu Ya, not Liu Jing, and not Xianglian.

Father didn't seem to be able to tell who was watching him, he just kept uncovering layer after layer of scars, and then loudly told Zhao Xun about his unbearable and painful feelings.

In the most painful time, my father would even pray that he would prefer that he had a tumor, a cancer, at least then he would be awake, and he would not have to be chained and watched by others like he is now.

Zhao Xun watched her father get worse day by day, and she had to put away all the sharp items in the house, including the kitchen, which was also opened and locked.

Zhao Xun never imagined that one day she would have to guard against the people closest to her, and she couldn't imagine that her father could become like this.

She regrets it a little now, and she sometimes wonders if it was because of the wishes she made, those bitter and mean things that really came true, so now she has counted this account on her father's head.

In the hospital ward, that was the first time Zhao Xun saw the old couple.

The grandmother is about 70 years old, the grandfather is in his 80s, they are a reorganized family, but before they told Zhao Xun the news, Zhao Xun really didn't see a trace of anything wrong, they took care of each other and loved each other, and it was like a partner who came over from the age of 20.

The silver-haired grandmother who surprised Zhao Xun by the old man's bedside day and night told Zhao Xun that they had been together for more than 6 years, and they had their own children, but the children have grown up now, and they have not lived with their old family, and they have always depended on each other.

In fact, after the grandmother's wife died, the grandmother had no idea of remarrying, until she met the current grandfather, Zhao Xun could see the deep smile on the grandmother's face at this moment.

Zhao Xun said that in their small world, they are as simple as a blank piece of paper, and they can draw anything they want on this blank paper, including the initial appearance of love.

The grandmother said that before they decided to be together, the grandfather had actually been diagnosed with one of the five incurable diseases such as AIDS and cancer - ALS. (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, which the famous modern physicist Stephen Hawking suffers from)

At the moment when the doctor made a diagnosis, the grandmother chose to be with her grandfather without hesitation, without hesitation, without worry, and without hesitation.

They have no certificates, no ceremonies, because in their hearts, the company of each other has transcended all worldliness.

Grandma also said that in this life, she must be crazy for someone at least once, and she fell in love with her grandfather and the second half of her life, she felt that this was the coolest and best thing she had done in her old age.

Why did you meet Zhao Xun here later, this has to start from later.

It may be because of the doctor's diagnosis, the doctor said that the life expectancy after this disease will be very short, but grandma never gives up, and grandpa is also in order to make the disease progress a little more slowly, they are also seeking medical treatment everywhere, and they will never forget the importance of recovery at any time.

Grandpa kept talking about it before, he felt that grandma followed him, it was too bitter, a woman had worked hard all her life, and she shouldn't live like that.

I don't know if it's because grandpa's heart is too stressed, or because he is too afraid of death, in short, grandpa is depressed at this moment.

Seeing a doctor and seeking medical treatment, they spent almost all their savings, asked for it from their children, borrowed it from relatives, and grandma still insisted on it.

Zhao Xun didn't know what it was like to be a 70-year-old grandmother who went to and from the hall to the registration hall, and to the hall for checkout and reimbursement.

She may not know the road very well, she may not speak Mandarin very well, she may walk slower than others, she may not react as fast as others, but grandma still insists.

Zhao Xun didn't know what kind of relationship it was, or what kind of realm it was, so that two people who had never crossed paths before could do such great things.

Suddenly, for a moment, Zhao Xun was also moved by the touching story of the Titanic, and she felt that love should be very great.

When I was basking in the sun downstairs, my grandmother played a song on the radio for my grandfather, and Zhao asked for the name of the song.

Grandma said that this is a song that few people in the younger generation know, and it is "Holding Hands" released by Su Rui.

In this way, Zhao Xun pestered his father to accompany the old couple and sang this song holding hands:

Because of the love that loves you

Because dreaming of your dreams

So grieve your grief

Happiness with your happiness

Because passing by your way

for you have suffered more than yours

So rejoice in your happiness

Chasing your chase

Maybe holding hands

The future is not always easy

Maybe there is a way of companionship

This life is going to be even busier

So held hands with hands

In the next life, we will have to go together

So there is a companion road

There is no turning back

So there is a companion road

There is no time to look back on......

It wasn't until the last note of the old-fashioned radio that the old man trembled and stretched out his hands, which had been deeply imprinted by the years, and the old grandmother interlocked his fingers, and then they finally disappeared into the sunset.

This is Zhao Zhao's first memory of love, which is someone else's and another of his own.

Zhao Xun can't remember how many times he went to visit his father, since he hired a nanny, Zhao Xun has felt a lot more at ease working in the unit, the nanny is very good to his father, at least on the surface, at least it looks like this.

After getting off work, Zhao went to an educational institution to do after-school homework tutoring, and she wanted to work an extra job so that her father's illness might be better.

A depressed soul is like a skin bag left over from a glass of freshly squeezed juice, without the vitality of life, and finally shrinks little by little.

It was very late that day, and all the experiences of the children who had been tutored all night seemed to have been completely consumed, and Zhao Xun just wanted to sink into the quilt and then not have to think about anything, and not have to do anything.

But in the end, as soon as he entered the house, he was frightened by his father, who turned on a floor lamp and sat in the bathroom in the dark, as if he was doing some kind of work on his hands.

Zhao Xun walked in and saw that his father was washing clothes in the middle of the night, full of a large basin of clothes, and all of them were clean and stacked clothes in the wardrobe by Zhao Xun.

"Dad, what time is it, why don't you go to bed? It's so late, let's not wash it, okay? ”

Zhao Xun was cautiously accommodating like a child, for fear that he would make his father unhappy because of his heavy tone.

"Oh, it's okay, the children are busy, I see that I haven't come home so late, so I think about washing the children's clothes, the children are busy, the children are busy......"

"Dad, I'm here, I'm back!"

Zhao Xun choked up, and didn't know how to say a thousand in his heart, 10,000 dads I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

But my father was sick, and my father didn't understand.