Although the past is still flowing, there are many times, Zhao Xun seems to be able to recall the original picture.

Sometimes it feels like a dream that night, so ridiculous and funny, yet so real.

That night, sadness, disappointment, loneliness, fear, despair, and finally pain.

So she wanted to desperately escape from here, desperately forget, desperately erase all the memories that this place gave her.

However, in the end, she found that no matter where she went, no matter how far she went, this difficult night always followed her, and she could not get rid of it.

Maybe that's her fate.

Fortunately, in this bad childhood, although there were hesitations, fears, and of course, there were also giving up.

But she still chooses to hold her head high and do her best in this bad world!

She thought that if she could turn back the clock once, she would muster up the courage that day and knock the door, and she would no longer dare to go home alone to escape the ruthlessness of the rain.

Zhao Xun clearly remembered that he followed his father back home that day, and his father sprinkled all his anger on Zhao Xun because his stepmother did not come back.

It's still the same broom, the bald broom.

was beaten by her father like that, and Zhao Xun didn't move, because maybe in her subconscious, she might really feel like this.

yes, that's not what I'm all about, am I?

There are many people who say it, and sometimes the fake can be said to be true.

She really thought that because of her incompetence, her stepmother couldn't go home with her.

After taking a week or so off, when I got home, I thought I would be able to go to school immediately, but who knew that I was beaten by my father again, and my father was still scolding and scolding in his mouth, and he also dropped the cruel words that Zhao Xun was not allowed to study again this time.

Zhao Zhaoda knew when he was a child that only by studying hard and then taking the entrance examination to a good university could he get rid of here, his father, and the only way out of this bad family.

So, she pleaded desperately, worked desperately, prayed desperately, desperately shouted Daddy, Daddy, Daddy......

Later, I don't know if it was because my father was annoyed by the screaming, or because my conscience was really inspired, in short, Zhao Xun was finally able to go to school smoothly.

Zhao was very happy.

After Zhao Xun and her father returned home, in addition to going to school every day, she had to go back to her father's bone tube early to help.

Zhao Xun is like a Xiaoqiang who can't be killed, as long as she still has a breath, she is the kind of person who can help her up and do it again.

Although the daily business is not how hot it is, the scrubbing and washing work of the bone tube business is really not easy to do.

Especially those big men with five big shoulders and three thick shoulders, order a beer, and then stay for most of the day.

Drinking, punching, smoking, swearing.

After they left, Zhao Xun, who had just grown up and had a high table, sometimes needed to step on a small bench to clean up.

There was everything on the table, paper to wipe the snot, cigarette ash all over the table, and spit on the table!

Sometimes I didn't see it and accidentally got a hand, until Zhao Zhao went to another country, but whenever I saw these dirty things again, I wanted to retch.

Then I came home every day at least around 22 o'clock at night, after all, people in this small place don't have any habits such as urban nightlife.

Most of the people who come to eat at the bone tube are around 17 p.m., and if it weren't for the men who were drinking, the store would have closed earlier.

When she got home, she changed into clean clothes and went to her small room to do her homework.

I remember at that time, because it was very late after returning home, if she saw the watch on the wall too late, I was afraid that she would not be able to finish the homework assigned yesterday tomorrow, and sometimes she would cry.

Although he has been so serious and has worked hard, Zhao Zhao's achievements are not so outstanding in the future.

What failed, she was at the bottom of the class, but in short, she insisted on finishing college, but Zhao Zhao never hung a subject in college.

Maybe this is really cruel to the children in other greenhouses.

Maybe plus a family with this, which can be said to be incomplete, maybe they can't bear it for a long time.

But for Zhao Xun, even if life gives her twists and turns and fears, she still regards everything as a seasoning in her life.

To this day, she is still grateful for those dark days, which allowed her to grow stronger and braver in the days to come.

One day she and her father closed the door and came back a little early, only to find their stepmother in the house.

At that time, they were all very surprised, and Zhao clearly remembered that his father at that time was even more excited and tears were about to flow out.

She didn't know if it was a feeling of emotion, or a psychological manifestation of guilt about herself.

In short, in the days to come, Zhao Xun rarely saw his father beat his stepmother hard after being drunk.

Gradually, they seemed to quarrel less.

A happy family, at least that was what she thought before she became an adult.

If you can't have more time, then you won't be able to wait less.

Zhao Xun once thought that this life would really go on like this, at least nothing worse would happen.

But who would have thought that when she was in her 20s, she would marry a man she didn't love, a man who was more than 30 years older than her.

From then on, she felt that her life was really over.

Later, it wasn't until Zhao Xun grew up that she understood why her stepmother was clamoring for a divorce, but why she took the initiative to come back to the house.

It turned out that the first time she saw her stepmother squatting on the ground and vomiting in her stepmother's yard, she didn't think about tea and dinner after her stepmother returned home, and it didn't take long for her to leave bright red blood between her legs.

At the time, she didn't understand what was going on, and she didn't know what the adults meant by miscarriage.

If it weren't for the miscarriage that year, maybe Zhao Xun would have two younger brothers, or a lovely sister, so she would have 3 relatives.

Later, when she had a harmonious relationship with her father, when she talked about the events of the year, her father told the truth of the year.

The stepmother's health was not very good at that time, and she worked in some business place before, so it was not easy to get pregnant.

In the third year of marrying her father, the stepmother finally conceived their first child, but the stepmother was also a mother for the first time after all.

So at that time, I was almost 2 months pregnant, but I didn't know it.

The constant quarrel with his father was also moved by his father, and later he went back to his parents' house angrily and had a fetal gas.

Who knew that the time when I went home was the early stage of pregnancy, coupled with the constant vomiting, the kind grandmother saw it at a glance.

Later, under the repeated persuasion of the kind grandmother, the stepmother also felt that the child could not be born without a mother, and could not have the same fate as Zhao Xun just after birth.

Later, she simply gritted her teeth, insisted a little longer, and gave her father one last chance, if it really didn't work, she would raise this child herself!

Who knows, after she went home, I don't know why the child was not saved.

In fact, before the stepmother came back, the kind grandmother took her to the provincial capital to do a B ultrasound in order to determine whether she was really pregnant, and the B ultrasound at that time did not show that the child could not be wanted, and he was very healthy at that time.

But after the stepmother had that miscarriage, the father never mentioned the miscarriage again, and neither did the stepmother.

It seems that they don't feel ready to have this child.

So they all chose to respond to all this with silence.

Until the year when Zhao Xun was 13 years old.

One day when she came back from school, she suddenly saw that her father had bought a chicken, two days of fresh fish, a pigeon, and a big bag of red dates and brown sugar.

At that time, the family conditions were not very good, and I thought it was a big day, but later I learned that it was my stepmother who conceived her son.

The stepmother's belly is getting bigger and bigger,

You all know what happened after that.

However, since this incident, Zhao Xun found that his father drank less and less.

There are fewer times to hit people after drinking.

Sometimes, after drinking two cups by myself during the New Year's holidays, I go to bed early.

Soon after, my mother gave birth to a son to my father and a younger brother to Zhao.

Maybe God feels sorry for Zhao Xun and wants her to have more attachment and love in this world, and they have been very close to each other since their younger brother was born.

Until now, the siblings are each other's only relatives.

Zhao Xun said that it must be in the future.

When we were young, we all desperately wanted to be loved and loved by others, and then after only receiving the warmth of one or two times, our hearts couldn't help but throb.

But Zhao Xun really didn't know what would happen to her if she didn't have an urgent need to take care of her young brother in the future.

Would she choose to end her life with misery on her hardest and most humiliating night?

She didn't know, because now she felt like it didn't matter anymore.

The important thing is that she is alive and well, the people she loves are alive, and the people who love her are alive and well.

Maybe life is like this, full of surprises and panic.

But we have to keep moving forward and moving forward in this surprise and panic.

The past is like smoke, but Zhao Xun can still clearly recall the bits and pieces of the past today.

She didn't know if it was because of the diary, or maybe it was because the memories had taken root in her heart.

But in the end, she felt that these memories had blossomed into the most beautiful flowers in her heart.

Maybe there are times when we are all lost in this world, and we have been right and wrong.

But in the end, you are the only one who can define yourself!