I went home from work at 6 p.m., and waited in the cold wind for a long time before I remembered that there was no school bus during spring break. The actor told me that he changed his mind and didn't want to come, and went to pick up the shipment to find that the package was missing. Inside the package is a newly bought duvet, and Los Angeles in spring is windier than Beijing.

Worried, I walked home and almost tripped over my roommate's clutter that filled the living room. I was wrapped in two thin blankets and fell asleep while messaging the producer. When I fell into the darkness, I vaguely felt my inner self screaming behind my brain: there are still a lot of things to do! What if I slept until the next day?

Luckily, I woke up two hours later and ordered Indian food.

Today, I ate Indian food on a friend's set, which was very delicious, so I made a special note of the name and the phone number to order the same house. It turned out that it was too late, and their lamb was gone, and the chicken was gone. I had to order another mutton curry, and when the dish came, I was very nervous, afraid that it would not be as delicious as the previous one. I thought of Lu Xun's essay writing: "I can't sleep at night, and I plan to eat spicy chicken tomorrow, but I'm afraid that it will be different from the dish I ate before, and I can't sleep anymore." ”

I suddenly felt that the society was very warm, how friendly human beings were, and eating a plate of curry late at night could also be related to a character like Mr.

The curry arrived, and it was really not delicious.

————

No need to wake up early tomorrow! Let me write a few more words.

Actually, I would love to write more about my life during this time. But lately, I seem to have lost my desire to express myself, and I don't know what to type with my hand on the keyboard. I don't know what impression I can leave on this time in retrospect.

Actually, I'm happy, but it's also true that something that drives me crazy happens every day. I have a tumbler-like personality that keeps me in the middle of the middle between optimism and pessimism. If something bad happens and it feels hard to accept, I think: this is also a precious life experience. If there is no such thing, how can I feel this way? If this pain didn't last long, how could I have had the opportunity to figure it out?

If something good happens, it makes me happy. I would also think: you don't know other people's lives at all, you just come to such conclusions from your own point of view. What makes you unique? To others, you're just a silly backdrop. How ridiculous your complacency is.

A few hours ago, I knew I was frustrated. I felt my work being looked down upon in the workplace; Being in an awkward relationship; Feeling guilty for not being able to do the perfect job; I found myself being used as free labor, but I didn't know how to get out.

These facts are still there, but some of them have been ignored by me, and I have forgotten the mixed feelings. As I write this, I have to try to remember what it was.

There were also some things that made me feel self-worthy. I can't even remember it now.

I'm not writing this to share a way of life, and I know it's not a healthy way to deal with emotions. I am negative, inert, negative. I'm always skeptical of praise from myself and others – and frankly, I don't trust them at all. I don't care about being insulted, being taken advantage of, and I can accept that I am in a vulnerable position.

Sometimes I think that my mindset comes from an economic advantage: I don't lack food and clothing, and I don't have any risks from life. Therefore, when others use a competitive mentality against me, I often choose to back down. Do I feel like I'm actually above them? This is actually a dangerous view. Because in fact, maybe my family background is not richer, it's just an inert mentality.

It's the same when it comes to competition. When others show contempt for my talents. I never felt the need to defend myself. They don't understand me. If we have the opportunity to cooperate, maybe we will have a time to introduce it. If we don't cross paths in the future, then we don't matter to each other, so why should I care what they think?

In life, from time to time, I want to show myself and have the urge to prove my ability to the audience. Two thoughts calmed me down:

1. Even if you show yourself to the fullest, it may not be very good. There are more than one better dreamer in the world.

2. What does it matter if their views have changed? How does their impress help your work?

It doesn't always work. I still get caught up in the desire for self-expression from time to time. Perhaps this is one of the inferior roots that humans cannot eradicate. It needs to be polished slowly. The desire for others to show their worth may be an incentive, but it is not the root of creation. Whenever I look back at my past work, I am often embarrassed by the self-presentation in it: thinking that our ideas are "valuable" is one of our most common self-righteousness. This certainly helped me write a lot. But on the whole, I think it's just a kind of useless vanity.

What makes us create. What makes me create. I wanted to depict the trauma of life. Eternal loneliness and connection in the world. The beauty and ugliness that are entangled together. Blood between the fingers and flowers in the mist. The things that keep me from being below sentient beings, and that are not above me from others. The pain that I hide in it and can reveal it to the outside. Those tears that I can see, and can be seen by others.