It's not that I don't want to grow, it's just that growth comes at a cost.

On the day of the end of the trip with Li Munan, I suddenly felt sad in my heart, I always felt that this was the end of my journey with Li Munan.

Sitting on the train from Tibet to S City, Li Munan held me in his arms all the way, I had a fever, my body was very hot, and I was so weak that I had to breathe. Li Munan fed me some water to drink from time to time, put the back of his hand against my forehead, and whispered in my ear, "It's coming soon, hold on for a while." ”

What Li Munan said was very fast, for me, it was long and painful, and again and again, I held his hand tightly, and I always felt that I couldn't hold on.

When I arrived in S City, I was groggy with sugar in Li Munan's arms, but fortunately, we didn't have much luggage, he held me with one hand and luggage in the other, and went out of the train station.

I don't even know how Li Munan brought me to the hospital, I just remember that his arms were still warm that day, and I probably hugged him tightly and refused to let go.

When I woke up, Li Munan sat down in front of my bed, his voice was tired, and he said, "You're awake." ”

I nodded and said, "I want to drink water." ”

Li Munan stood up and poured water for me, he handed the water to my mouth, helped me get up and drink, after a few sips of water, my throat cleared a lot, I said to Li Munan, "Thank you." ”

"Is there anything else that's uncomfortable?" he asked. ”

I shook my head, "Much better." ”

He nodded and sat down beside me. The ward was quiet for a while, and Li Munan suddenly asked again, "Are you having a nightmare?" ”

My brain burned and I couldn't remember what I dreamed about, and I shook my head.

Li Munan didn't speak, and the ward fell silent again.

After I recovered from my illness, I stayed with Li Munan for a while, and he would spend a lot of time with me every day, took me to many places, and talked to me a lot, and the relationship between us seemed to slowly change back to the past.

Slowly, I talked more and laughed more.

Later, Li Munan accompanied me to see a psychiatrist, and the doctor said that my condition was slowly improving.

It's just that occasionally, I think of Sun Keyi, and when I think of him, my heart will have an inexplicable pain.

That kind of pain makes me uncomfortable, so many times, I force myself not to think about him, but often, the more I push myself, the more I think of him, and even in the end, it is lovesickness.

Originally, I thought that I would not see Cheng Siyu again, and I guess she didn't expect to see me again, but the surprise in her eyes was only for a second, and after that second, she was very calm, and it was difficult for me to associate the girl who cried in the doctor's gaffe that day with Cheng Siyu in front of me.

I met her at the gate of the complex, and she seemed to linger for a long time.

Cheng Siyu walked over, and she asked, "Why are you here?" ”

I didn't know how to answer her, so I didn't say anything.

She laughed a little, then said softly, "You're still together." ”

I want to deny it, but whatever I say is a kind of hurt to Cheng Siyu now, after all, in her relationship with Li Munan, she is the person who is hurt the most.

Without waiting for my answer for a long time, Cheng Siyu nodded, she said, "I know, you guys should be together, after all, it took me a lot of effort to accept the fact that I was separated from him, the person I put so much on the tip of my heart, you must not let him down." ”

She said, I am so close to the person at the top of my heart, you must not let him down.

From Cheng Siyu's point of view, what qualifications do I have to be with Li Munan, no, I never thought of being with him again. How can such a good girl be easily let down.

I don't know how my path should go, but I think Li Munan should love that girl well.

And the reason why I can't do without Li Munan now, I think, may be all the memories of love in my youth, only by finding some beauty in my memory, can I get out of that dark place.

Only those who have truly experienced despair know what hope is, only those who have experienced loss know what cherishing is, and only those who have seen the stars in the sky know the inadequacy of a little starlight. But it is the insignificant starlight, which has passed through hundreds of millions of years, that gives us new hope.

I always have no scruples in front of Li Munan, because he has seen everything I look like, and I threw away those deliberate things. We get along peacefully. More often than not, that way of getting along is more like a friend.

I asked Li Munan, "Why did you and Miss Cheng break up?" ”

"I didn't think it was appropriate and separated," he said. ”

I looked at him, although I didn't want to be amorous, but I knew that the breakup between them was more or less related to me, Li Munan avoided my gaze, he said, "Don't think about it, it has nothing to do with you." ”

I nodded.

After being silent for a long time, Li Munan asked, "What about you?" Why did you leave Sun Keyi. ”

I said, "We're not suitable either." Li Munan said: "But you obviously like him very much." ”

I said, "How can you tell?" ”

He laughed and said, "When you have a fever of forty degrees, your mouth keeps calling his name." ”

I said, "Yes?" ”

He nodded, got up and went to the fridge to get a bottle of red wine, and he said, "Drink?" ”

I said, "Okay." ”

Li Munan poured two cups, he and I gently touched the wall of the cup, raised our heads and took a sip.

We drank a lot and talked a lot that day, from the first time we met in high school to when we were together, from being together to parting, from being separated to being reunited.

That night, I hugged Li Munan and cried for a long time, and I asked him, "If we hadn't separated then, what would we be like now?" ”

He thought about it for a long, long time, and in the end he didn't give me an answer.

In the drunken dream, I began to fantasize that if I had never separated, then I would have worked very hard to apply for the same university with him before the college entrance examination, maybe the result was that I failed, he successfully entered the ideal school, I went to the same city with him in order to meet him often, and on weekends I took an hour's subway to his school, shopping around his school to watch movies, watching beautiful scenery and eating delicious snacks. Busy looking for a job when graduation is approaching, I will quarrel over many small things, toss until the job is stable, get together less and leave more, slowly cherish each other more and more, and quarrel less and less. We have a certain status in our respective fields, we are becoming more and more mature, and we will no longer deliberately anger each other for a little thing and say that we will break up, we feel that we can take on the responsibility of a family, at that time, he is willing to marry, I am willing to marry. Then, we had a small family and a baby, although we are still tired of running around for life, but returning home is the warmest support for each other.

When I woke up from my dream, my tears were once again wetting my clothes.

At that time, Li Munan was so close to me, so close that I could see the tiny pores on his face, and their glow was reddened by alcohol.

Under the starry sky, in the moonlight, I thought of another person, Sun Keyi, at this moment, what is he doing, will he occasionally think of him like me, once, facing the sea, what kind of young heart did he have, at that time, we only had insignificant troubles, they passed away in the breeze, never leaving a trace.

In fact, from the moment Cheng Siyu appeared, I knew that Li Munan no longer belonged to me, and Yue Lao had already handed over his red line to another person.

I have long forgotten most of the content when I chatted with Li Munan that day, the only thing I remember is that Li Munan told me that I kept calling a name in my mouth when I had a fever, Sun Keyi, he said, you obviously love him so much, why do you want to leave him, this is not like the Xu Qijun I know, the Xu Qijun I know has always dared to love and hate, even if it is not possible, I will be desperate to be with him, I think you have seen your heart clearly, you are not love for me at all, You just stayed at the moment when I had a car accident to save you, and you thought I might die at that moment, so you remembered me so much that you relied on me, but you only relied on me, go to him, stop deceiving yourself.

That day, I saw a little starlight in Li Munan's eyes, it was bright and dazzling, like a guiding light in my life, flickering.

When I was a child, I always wanted to grow up, because when I grew up, I could do whatever I wanted, and I was no longer bound by adults, but when I grew up, I realized that we couldn't do anything, and it was so difficult for us to take every step.

I understand what Li Munan means, but I just can't understand my heart, in fact, I have always loved Sun Keyi, but I kept telling myself that I couldn't love him, I thought I really didn't love him, but it was just my self-deception, and I was more sure of this matter after leaving him. It's just that I can't go back to him right away, and I have no reason to go back.

And Li Munan, what he said is not wrong, I rely on him, but I am a person who relies on him so much, he wants to push me to Sun Keyi's side.