After arriving in Turin from Paris, Ge and I did

E packed up and got off the bus, and decided to go into the city to rest for half a day before taking the next bus to Rome. During this time, we can go to eat local specialties, find a half-day rental hotel to store our luggage, and then come out to watch the wind, and take some scenic photos and tourist photos by the way. Ge

E has been chattering all the way in the car, and he is in high spirits at this time.

Mr. Ann did not go with us to Turin, he spent a day in Paris and then returned to London to take care of the rest of the work. Ge

E is curious about Mr. An, she has worked with me for more than a year, she has never seen or heard me mention Mr. An, and has a bunch of curious questions. Ask him what job, what zodiac sign, how long we have known each other, how we have known each other. Mr. An is usually a person who doesn't like to talk too much about personal matters with others, but this time he is very cooperative, and he answered everything that should be answered, concisely but to the point.

That night in Paris, Mr. Ann and I walked almost all the busiest streets of Paris. I talked for most of the night, and I didn't finish the things I had experienced with each other over the years. When I went back to the hotel, I honestly lay on Mr. An's back and asked him, "Is it heavy?" ”

Mr. An padded his arm and smiled: "It's heavy, but I want to dream about it." ”

I was a little sad, buried my head and rubbed his cheek: "Since you think so, why didn't you come to me earlier?" ”

"What about you?" Mr. An asked rhetorically.

I looked up, my cheek brushing against his soft fine hair, and a trace of ice crystals fell to my lips, cooling him for a moment.

It turned out to be the first snow of the year in Paris.

"Look, Katsuki, it's the first snow?" I said excitedly.

"What about you?" His footsteps stopped, his head turned slightly to the side, a low "um", and he breathed intimately.

"I'm waiting for you." I bowed my head and kissed the corner of his lips in bewilderment, and then left, and asked softly, "What about you?" ”

He laughed, paused for a moment, and then replied, "Because I don't want to memorize it just once." ”

When I set up my camera at the Turin station to shoot a long shot, Ge

E looked at the deep streets and alleys and suddenly sighed: "I didn't know before, I really like a person, I don't say it to others, I don't say it myself, how deep such feelings can be." After seeing Sister Xiaoxi and her brother-in-law, I realized that no one else knows, only I and the other party know that what we love deeply is most of the love in this world. ”

I said, "Just like us in photography, what others see is what you shoot, but what you want to shoot most is not what you want to see for others." ”

"So what you love is the joy that is deeply embedded in your heart."

She asked again: "Then after being a photographer for so long, what does Sister Xiaoxi like to shoot the most?" ”

"Sky."

I thought about it for a long time before I came up with this answer.

I told her that when I first picked up my camera, I wanted to shoot almost anything, anything, but when I knew what a photographer's camera had, I started to look for stories, for themes and values, and I started to go on the offensive and always wanted to master my own narrative.

At that time, I photographed people and objects the most, I photographed the bottom of the city and the periphery of the city, the struggle of the society at the bottom and the marginalized people, I photographed the "dead" things, and the untold stories attached to them. But the closer I got to them, the less powerless I was to express the feedback they gave me. The helplessness of death, the struggle for survival, belong to the dark revelry and shouts, and the photographs speak in their place, and society can often hear only a small part. And the photographer himself was eaten by it, choking his throat and feeling suffocated. So later, I liked to take pictures of clouds and rain rivers, the geography is natural. Because in the biosphere, all things are naturally broadly accepted, fair and just, and maintain their own mysteries. Photographers are not regurgitated, but washed.

"If a photographer can't shoot a work that he recognizes, and can't shoot a valuable work, it is a more painful thing than the exhaustion of his talents, but the value of the work can be recognized or not recognized by himself, and the reverse is not possible."

Ge

E asked, "Does it matter?" ”

I pretended to be profound, and replied, "It's a big deal, I can't shoot the sky I want, but others think that it must be my most satisfying work." ”

Ge

E frowned: "But the last photo after the boundless" ......"

I replied to her: "Yes, it is the sky of Tahiti." ”

I still remember what I was thinking when I took that picture, what I saw when I saw that sky, what I saw, what I thought.

At that time, I couldn't take photos that I was satisfied with for months, and my instructor was right, when I couldn't shoot everything that was in the image and wanted me to express it, my lens lost everything, and no matter how much I shot, it was as blank and silent as unspeakable words.

He said, "Su

Y, I used to think that you shoot things like an innocent and romantic girl, clean, pure, and straight to the bottom of my heart. Later, I found out that your work wanted to express the beast of the trapped beast, torn, bloodthirsty, explicit and shocking. You want to surpass the former too much, but you can't conquer the latter. Why don't you go outside for a walk, look at the wind, look at the sky, you will find, some of the power is silent and powerful, calm and natural, can move mountains and cover the sea, and it is just as shocking. ”

It was probably from that time that I traveled most of the world's roads from Tyrol, and in a few months I learned to be at peace and perseverance, no longer stubbornly bound by my own minds, no longer rampage, but quietly waiting for my chance. There are small dreams in big dreams, although they are a little different from the original ambition and pride, but there are also worthwhile and meaningful things to do.

It wasn't until this tour that I met my teacher, who said that he was happy to see that the style of my work was back to before, but more mature than before. Learning to absorb what I hear and see is the power of my work, and it is precisely because I have grown.

Ge

E was more depressed than me, she said: "I thought that people like you would succeed in anything they filmed, and they would be sought after, but I didn't expect that there were so many things that I couldn't help myself, and I couldn't get rid of them." ”

I comforted her: "Yes, so don't envy anyone, just live your own life." ”

In mid-April, after almost circumnavigating the globe, I returned to Vancouver for a follow-up visit to the doctor's office. The little princess of the doctor's family was absent, and was picked up by her mother and went on vacation to the south. I haven't seen him for two or three months, and the doctor is a little thinner than before, and he has just finished working on the other two cases.

I've been in a lot better and haven't been so uncomfortable and uncontrollable since I was in London. This time, the doctor reduced the medication and preliminarily announced that I was back to normal.

I thought of the doctor's ex-wife, and I said, I thought you couldn't have given your daughter to her so comfortably.

The doctor smiled faintly: "I can teach her what love is, but I have no right to interfere with what form of love she receives." ”

I said, "If it were me, I wouldn't be as generous as you." ”

The doctor laughed mercilessly: "I have never seen you generous." ”

I gritted my teeth and said, "Then at least I'll be generous with the money." ”

"I admit it." The doctor didn't care, and nodded happily.

I remembered the first time I met the doctor, not at the clinic, but in an accident where my car accidentally hit his.

At that time, I was in a hurry to attend my boss's wedding, and he was just about to come out of the wedding venue, and when he was reversing, he was scratched by my car. And the protagonist of that wedding, coincidentally, the groom was the leader of my work, and the bride was the doctor's ex-wife.

The doctor said that he had a bad impression of me when he first met me, and that it had nothing to do with the traffic accident itself, but that nine of the ten photographers had very similar eyes. So he knew I was a photographer and didn't have a crush on me at first sight. Later, I learned about our relationship, let alone that.

I was not impressed by the doctor, and at that time I was very shocked that I had "PTSD", and refused to accept any outside help and guidance. I briefly forgot what happened to Jing Yao during the time I returned to China. In my cognition, my relationship with Ah Jing is just back to the past, back to the best time when we were children. After elementary school, our two families no longer live in the same community, but Ah Jing and I have always kept in touch on the phone. During the day, we went to school separately, and when we got home, we would share with each other what we encountered at school. At night, we lied to our parents that they had already slept, but in fact, we were secretly cooking on the phone in the room.

As a child, Jing especially wished she would grow up to be a novelist, although she thought that a painter would be more suitable for her.

She has been writing novels since she was in her second year of junior high school, writing about the bizarre world of ghosts. Ah Jing hoped to contact the editor of a magazine to get the novel serialized in the magazine, and she wanted to ask me for my views and opinions. Sometimes she would send me the first draft she had just written, and sometimes she would tell me directly on the phone about her adventures, about important plots, and deliberately scare me.

Ah Jing's novels were not published in the magazine, but she did not give up. When she was in high school, a short story she wrote called "Miss Wan's Magic High Heels" was finally picked up by the editor of a magazine in a story club, and Ah Jing was very happy, but after receiving the manuscript fee, she did not create any new works.

Our subsequent contact was no longer as frequent and close as that time, and gradually, telephone contact and time were free, but people were not "free", which is a pity.

I just started to realise that the time I was sick was actually the hardest time I've ever been in a long time except when I first went to the UK. Thinking of Ah Jing, I was once sad and self-blaming and couldn't extricate myself, but in the face of my mother, I felt guilty and distressed.

When I found the photos I took of Jing Yao when she got married in the software backed up by my computer, I took it to my mother for verification, and I asked my mother when Jing Yao got married, but my mother didn't want to say, I said, why don't you tell me.

Actually, I had already guessed at the time, but my mother didn't think I remembered my unusual behavior during my illness, and I didn't tell her that I had decided to go to the doctor.

At that time, I searched the Internet for community forums related to "PTSD" and found He in a reply post about a treatment record posted by a person claiming to be a person with "PTSD" syndrome

be

Dr. T's hospital, I made an appointment with He the next day

be

Dr. T's visit, but the staff at the hospital desk told me He

be

Dr. T had resigned two months earlier.

It wasn't until later that I learned that it was also the most difficult time for doctors.

At that time, the doctor had just divorced, his wife had remarried, and their daughter had a serious heart attack at this time, and the burden of medical expenses and child support was on the doctor. The doctor lost his job soon after, and the clinic he opened was just starting out, and he was suppressed by his peers, which once made him think he couldn't survive. But even at that point, knowing that I might not be willing to be treated, he didn't try to sway my decision.

Doctors have said that it takes a lot of courage to overcome a similar mental illness like PTSD, or to accept its existence and live with it. In this case, it doesn't matter how others interfere and how they think. But then he would occasionally joke with me, saying that if I hadn't shown up at that time, maybe his clinic would have been closed a long time ago.

Once, instead of being at the doctor's office, I was eating and chatting with the doctor outside, and I talked a lot openly.

The doctor said, "Actually, I was hesitant to go to Gi that time

A's wedding, to be honest, I'm about to quit at that point, if it weren't for your rubbing the car, I probably wouldn't have gotten in. ”

"I didn't expect that." I said, "I couldn't have guessed that, Gi."

A's ex-husband is you. ”

The doctor said, "You'd never guess that I had seen you before that." ”

Seeing that I was confused, the doctor said, "In Ca."

dy House。 At that time you and your colleague, that is, Gi

a's current husband, and Gi

A three people are chatting. ”

I said, "I remember." ”

Except for the one at the wedding, I had only met my fiancée once before that.

I explained: "I happened to meet it when I got off work, and the leader insisted on inviting me to tea. ”

"I remember that shop was her favorite dessert shop," the doctor said. Gi

Before I got married, we also went a lot. ”

I learned later that the doctor and his wife used to be very much in love.

Doctor and his wife Gi

A The two have known each other since high school and have only officially been together in college. Later, after graduating as a doctor, he came to Vancouver for graduate school

A also quit her job in Winnipeg and came with him without hesitation. During the first few years in Vancouver, the doctor said he and Gi

A both went through the longest and hardest time of their lives, but he and Gi

aTwo people supported each other, and neither gave up on each other. After 7 years of long-distance love, the doctor asked Gi on graduation day

A proposed, and Gi

A also responds to his hottest and long kiss.

originally thought that love in fairy tales was the most happy ending here, and then their lives would restart a new chapter of happiness, but this happiness only lasted for a few years.

The doctor told him and Gi

A two people have agreed to love each other until death separates them, and they have also said that they will confess to each other, and if one day, in love, he or she separates first, they will tell each other, and they will bless each other. So there was no deception in their ending, but there was just one person who happened to go fast.

The doctor rarely drank alcohol, and he always restrained himself in his work, but he was a little drunk that day.

He said he never thought about him and Gi

A will be separated.

"Maybe an ordinary married life isn't what she wants, is it?" He looked a little more frustrated and tired than usual.

I said, "Please be sober, it is your married life that is not suitable for her." ”

The doctor laughed self-deprecatingly, "Sure enough, you are not at all likable, and you can't even say a word of comfort." ”

I said, "So do you blame her or yourself?" ”

The doctor stared at the light at the central bar from afar, the halo of light, which looked like a fish swimming at the bottom of the sea when he was drunk, and he shook his head slowly, but did not answer.

I let out a long sigh, I was thinking that maybe he blamed her and himself, but after dealing with all those injuries and reluctance, he still let go calmly.

I said, "Maybe people who are in love have believed in eternity." ”

But where is eternity? It's always a day to look back and laugh at them for just a while.