I have a narrative disability, which I often feel, and this way of thinking reinforces my suggestion.

Perhaps in the beginning, I only had a little bit of difficulty in narrating and the skills I had mastered could not overcome, and my consciousness fed back this problem and made me pay attention to it all the time.

When I need to speak, my first instinct is to notice the difficulty, I don't learn the technique to overcome, my frustration soars, my will is not strong, and the skills of narration are not trained, and it develops into a situational paradigm and becomes an obstacle.

If difficulties are like a thin plate, obstacles give me the feeling that there is a thickness, and this thickness will increase with the passage of time, and each retreat will promote its crazy growth of arrogance.

Dreaming mimics the process of the will, but the real will seems to be curled up in a dark corner, and even when awake, it is completely ignored.

There is a very comforting quote in Chicken Soup for the Soul, "God has closed a door for you, and will leave you a window". My outward path was blocked by the growing arrogance of the narrative obstacles, and the inward development was left with sleep and dreaming.

Dreaming is a pleasure, and even if it's a nightmare, it can cause the cerebral cortex to secrete a substance called acetylcholine, which can suppress memories and eliminate emotions. Daydreaming is not so pleasant, and under the supervision of consciousness, it will occasionally cheat a little reward from the central nervous system of the brain, but it will burn higher calories and increase the sense of frustration.

The will completes the instructions sent by the central nervous system of the brain, and the cerebral cortex secretes dopamine, a substance, as a reward. Dreams imitate the will, disguised as the will in an attempt to deceive the examination of consciousness, so as to deceive the secretion of substances in the central nervous system of the brain, obtain a temporary sense of pleasure, or eliminate the suppression of emotions, which is the benefit of dreaming.

Today's calendar marks the Southern New Year, which is almost seven o'clock in the morning. The baby with a soft milky smell wakes up, feeds, changes diapers, amuses, sleeps, and can't remember the dreams he had at night for a while.

Maybe because I want to remember it too much, I want to remember it too much, I want to record my dreams too much, I still can't remember.

At ten o'clock, I began to help my mother-in-law prepare food for the New Year, fried twist flowers, fried dough sticks, and meatballs...... I suddenly remembered that the scene in the dream was related to the Chinese New Year.

The three different disconnected scenes, how they begin, how they transition, and how they end are all very vague. But there are happy, unpleasant, and dead people's emotions.

The first scene is cleaning. In my dream, I was seven or eight years old, cleaning before the Chinese New Year, moving the scattered furniture to the yard, basking in the sun, putting the things that needed to be cleaned in a large iron pot, and I rolled up my sleeves and lay on the edge of the iron pot......

In the dream, I was happy and happy.

When I woke up, I didn't remember such a happy time, and it was indeed the cold water of winter, biting cold.

Yesterday an ant climbed on the body of the baby with a soft milky smell, and I was very indignant, so I set off a cleaning incident.

The whole family went out to eliminate the ants, cleaned the entire corner of the house, and sprayed medicine along the corners.

There is an inevitable connection between the scene in the dream and the event in life, which is the cleaning before the New Year, the chaotic room, and then the order. Some clue connections have hidden consciousness.

This led me to wonder why dreams can't exactly replicate real-life scenes.

I don't know, maybe it's probably because the reward mechanism of the central nervous system of the brain is really expensive, and the copy product is denied without being checked by consciousness.

In the second scene, I have a few aunts (two of whom have passed away) and make a row, and I am giving money for the New Year. In fact, when I was a child, my family was very poor, and I always looked forward to the Chinese New Year and received New Year's money, but I didn't. Year after year, the hope is disappointed, and it becomes a missing thing in childhood memories, something that cannot be remembered but is important, and only a sense of depression remains.

In order to make up for this regret, Dream imitated the will and effort, so that I changed my identity, gained attention, became the shining focus, and made up for the missing corner of my childhood memory.

The third scene is a food donation organized by the village chief next door. In my dream, I was still seven or eight years old, and bags of wheat were cleaned and put into bags to donate to the children in the next village......

It reminds me of an old story that I have always been reluctant to talk about. At that time, I was in the third grade, and when my family was renovating the house, I owed more than 300 yuan to the neighboring carpenter, and his son went to study in Japan and needed money urgently, hoping that my parents could pay it back in time.

At that time, my parents were running a small business at home, and it was a dismal business. He grinded tofu, planted ten acres of land, raised four large sows (pork was not worth as much as it is now), and raised four school-going children.

I remember that afternoon, I was helping my father grind tofu in the tofu factory, and my mother went out to collect the piglets. The creditor came to my house again to ask for money, and my father was busy, saying, "You don't have any money," and then he got busy with himself.

In fact, before my mother went out that day, she said to my father, "I'm doing laundry, and I'm asking for money from Menzi in the morning, and I said that you see this is the case in Aiwu, and the money for buying piglets has not been recovered, and I will give it to you if I take it back." I can't get the money out of my head. The sleeping goods grinned and said, "That pumped your house to pay off the debt." ”

My dad was a little angry and said to my mom, "Whatever about him, he's going to pull him out, and if he comes again, you ask him to ask for it." ”

The creditor said, "You have this attitude, and I want money, and I want money for carpentry in your house."

My dad said, "You're not going to pull out the pump, you pull it up!"

"That's a joke, I can't listen to a joke," the creditor joked with my dad again, "That really pulled out your water pump to pay off the debt." The father's temper that wanted to be hot suddenly exploded and said, "If you have enough, you will pull it out, and you will not return it." ”

The stone grinder of the "Boom ......" grinder also seemed to accentuate my father's tone.

The creditor was scolded back, and after a while he took his wife and son to my house and reasoned with my father.

My father went back with the same words, and the creditor shouted to go home and get a bag of grain to pay off the debt.

I hurriedly entered the house and locked the door and granary with my brother, and no one was allowed to enter.

The creditor's family of four followed, took an iron rod and pried open the two doors of my house, pried open the grain cabinet and filled the wheat.

My dad, my two older sisters, couldn't resist at all. The sixteen-year-old eldest sister had never seen such a battle, and she was so frightened that she cried.

At that time, my mother was still chatting at someone else's house, and my second sister ran to tell my mother, and my mother trotted all the way home. After a while, the courtyard was crowded with people, watching the excitement and persuasion......

When my mom came back, she had the money in her hand and was very emotional. This is also too bullying, and the stubborn mother is reluctant to pay back the money.

A scolding battle intensified, and no one thought they were wrong, and no one was willing to give in. The village chief rushed over when he heard the news, and only then did he pacify the two adults. After coordination, the two reached an agreement to fill the grain to pay off the debt.

I don't want to talk about it, my family hasn't been willing to talk about it for years. Because it was door-to-door, I often remembered that it awakened the shame that I had hidden deep in my heart when I was still young.

It's not my parents, I'm anxious to deny that it's my parents, and I don't want to increase my karma.

Because at that age, I was still too young, and I was still a fragile and soft child, so I just bluffed. I often assume that if I don't lock it, it won't be picked. If I hadn't told my mom that my eldest sister was beaten and cried, my mom wouldn't have been so angry......

If I hadn't done anything or done better, I wouldn't have secretly blamed myself for many years and never forgotten it.

Maybe it would have happened without me, but it's not my fault, because with me, I feel like it's my fault.

In my dream, I am donating food to save people, instead of longing to be pitied and cared for. The dream belies my shame and is in line with the will of the superego. Shaped a me, deceived the central nervous system of the brain.

When I woke up from the dream, this memory was released, and when I recalled the past again, the shame was gone, but there was a deep respect for my parents.

It's another New Year, and I, the one I finally need to forgive, is myself.