At the end of the second semester of the first year of high school, we began to divide the arts and sciences. My elder brother is a Chinese teacher and the head teacher of a key class, so he is naturally the head teacher of a key liberal arts, and I resolutely applied for science, and I, a seven-year-old girl who was inspired to become a genius like Jiang Fangzhou, did not achieve it. At the age of twelve, I read Lu Yao's "Life", and the work "Ordinary World" aspired to become a writer like Lu Yao, how did you convince yourself at that time?

First, I wanted to prove myself by doing something that seemed impossible in the eyes of the world. It depends on the genius who is so determined, and I subconsciously think so, but it has not yet awakened. If I had said that, probably people at the time would have thought I was mentally ill.

I have such an idea bulging out of my mind, but I think this sentence is not what I said, it was Guo Jingming who once said.

In other words, a genius doesn't need to prove himself hard at all, he just needs to do what he wants to do and endure what he doesn't want to do. If I can't bear it one day, take 10,000 steps back, and I can be an ordinary person and drown in a sea of people. It's like this life now. Husband and child, happy and happy.

At least I've found the idea to be like a perpetual motion machine, where it can exist but it's hard to implement. This sentence shows that I was a lonely and arrogant little kid at that time, and my outlook on life and values was stubborn and distorted. And now it seems that I am the legendary genius. I was stunned by what I found, and how about you?

Second, then I learned the love story in literature and started acting, for example, I told myself that before the fifteenth place in my class, only two of them applied for liberal arts, and the boy I had a crush on enrolled in science, love is the driving force for progress, and I also want to choose science. Because science allows me to think rationally.

Third, I probably can't accept that the liberal arts students are all girls, and the parents are short, and they love to chew on the root of their tongues. Of course, this is completely my personal bias, and my strange and wrong understanding was changed when I got to university.

Because after going to college, I found that the friendship between girls and girls is very wonderful, even if there is more blue honey, it can't resist the pride of a girlfriend shouting to lose weight and lose weight, and accompany you to eat and drink when you are depressed in those days. It's not like the one described in the novel, jealousy, jealousy, jealousy.

I remember that the post-90s female representative writer, Jiang Fangzhou, once said something similar.

Fourth, this is probably a trigger, that is, one of our classmates, Brother M, appeared strange, crying in the classroom for no reason, we were in class, he suddenly walked in and walked out, and then our teacher suggested that his parents take him to see a psychiatrist.

The math teacher is a very popular male teacher among girls, and he talks funny and likes it very much. Until one time, after our brother walked out of his class, his words instantly ruined the beautiful image he had built in my heart for a year.

"Is there something wrong with Brother M in your class?" He pointed to his head and said,

"Teacher, you found out too. He's been a bit of a god lately. "We had a boy in the top three who shouted loudly.

"He came to talk to me after class, and he spoke very deeply."

"I'm scared of it????"

In fact, I know he doesn't have any ill intentions, which is the attitude of a normal person. But at that time, I already realized that I also had some psychological problems, which were even more serious than Brother M. Because he was still actively asking for help after realizing that he had a problem, I stopped thinking about it early.

When I was about 14 years old, I suffered from a severe mood disorder, and at one point I was so depressed that I wondered which way to die would be easier. I've tried to ask for help from the people around me, but there's no one I can trust completely. I once called the free psychological counseling number, and the stiff question on the other side of the phone was, "What's the matter with you?" "Let me hang up the phone in a cramped way.

Thinking of this, I took a 180-degree turn in my acquaintance with our once lovely and respectable teacher, and I would never go to the class led by this teacher.

Fifth, it was my brother, and when I was a child, I was very in awe of him and cared too much about his words. He was so talkative that I couldn't even sit still to read, so my subconscious shunned him.

Speaking is an ability, just as understanding is an ability. I didn't have the basic ability to speak, but I had a strong ability to understand and suggest. God is fair and closes a door and at the same time opens a window for me.

My brother, he didn't do anything. But his presence has affected me twice in a choice that is significant for my future.

He was innocent because he always took care of me with kindness, but I couldn't separate him from my painful experience, and of course I understood that it wasn't causation, it wasn't correlation, it was a third relationship.

Except for the first point, which is the way of life thinking of my genius, the rest is what I call the chaotic existence of life.

People in the world are always accustomed to avoid the chaos of life because of the mechanisms of the brain. And my brain is born with a contradiction, and this contradiction always makes me do things that are not understood by the world or conform to the world's philosophy of life. I didn't even notice it for a while.

Let me give you a very simple example of how I made a decision without realizing it, and how my subconscious mind began to slowly awaken. For example, I want to vote the works created by the times to the starting point rather than the vertical and horizontal.

The first point is that the genius has awakened and returned to the genius way of thinking.

The second point, which can support me in choosing the starting point, is the existence of chaos in life. The editor in charge showed me the conditions for signing a contract with Zongheng writers, and I didn't like it, so I wasn't sure I could do it at the time. I even asked the QQ novel writers group, and when the starting point sent me the terms of signing a contract, I immediately liked it. Because my subconscious mind is still awakened at the moment.

The third point is that I am actually a person who does things by feeling, and five years ago, I also tried to write a story book about dreams, called the Dreamer, but since I was trying to awaken my subconscious mind in college, he told me about this dream, and asked me to write it down at the time, and I wanted to make it famous as well, and after publishing it on the starting point website, he fell asleep again. I deleted what I had posted.

And I followed his footsteps all the way to this place, and at this moment, my consciousness really understood the subconscious way of thinking, which is through dreams. I finally said what I wanted to say, and the world agreed.

The fourth point is the trigger point. Because of the words of the editor in the QQ group, about the concept of the visionary, and the contract I am about to sign with the starting point, I realize that there are no secrets in the electronic information age. Why do you say that, this point genius decided to keep it secret for the time being.

In this scene in the dream, we were in the third year of high school, we went for a morning run at the back door of the school, and we saw him greet a colleague of his (it is said that the man's father was from the Education Bureau) very modest and warm, but they ignored him and left. Then the boys in my class teased my brother and said, "Look at F's stuttering look, Chaplin's clown's deeds." ”

Brother F is a very powerful character, and he was once a tall, upright and sunny image in my heart. He is very strict with his classmates, and it is inevitable that he will sometimes be sharp and mean, sneering at a certain classmate, and being scolded by someone in Baidu Tieba.

He was willing to use the method of agitation, and I was ashamed of him. Be upright and not succumb to the powerful, but these thoughts will always be mistaken by me, a student who used to be a little paranoid.

I began to question the integrity of what he had taught us, but he collapsed into a mass of flesh like a twitch of the backbone, and his really tall and cynical image in my heart completely collapsed.

Now, although I understand his position and sophistication, I still have no relief. Come to think of it, I want him to understand my frustration, just like when he smiled enthusiastically at that colleague, but instead of being understood, he was suffocated by his backhand around the back of his neck and smiled bitterly.

In fact, as much as I can unravel this dream, deep down in my soul, I prefer to forget it.

To unravel this dream is to tear up the scars in my memory again, then watch the slow bleeding, put some dirt, stutter again, and then put back into the black hole of memory.

So, for the past five years, I've just practiced how to narrate dreams, and I haven't really interpreted dreams.

After all, the process is really painful. I remember a famous person once said, "How much pain you forget, how much you forget yourself." I don't want to forget myself.

And we tend to be forgetful. So, the years portrayed us with their own gentle knives, and we didn't know ourselves anymore. ”

Forcibly stopping my memory in my junior year of high school, I was deeply resistant. I tried my best to hide this year, and the changes in my heart, the more I hid them, the deeper they became into my flesh and blood, so that I could not peel them off, and this had a more profound experience.

My senior year of high school started when I decided to start living on campus, and my mom didn't agree. She said, "If you don't even bother to wash a piece of clothing, how can you take care of yourself if you live outside." ”

I said, "If you don't let me live outside, how do you know I can't take care of myself?" ”

What do you do when you eat, you can't eat enough.

Then I'll go home for dinner at noon, is that okay?

Where to stay?

I have already seen the house in advance, 40 yuan a month. I rented a single room alone.

I disagree.

Mom, other classmates have been living around the school since the first year of high school, and even Wu Yang has lived there this year. At 10 o'clock in the evening, I still had self-study, and no one came back with me.

…………

…………

Finally, my mom agreed to me in my crying pleading, and she pushed my luggage to me on her bicycle, and I found a good person in advance.

I got my wish and left my mother's supervision and looked forward to a better future life.

However, I only had two months of imagination to look forward to the bright future, and the first month of life was clean and regular. My academic performance also improved, and I quickly got into the top 10 of my grade, and then, my soul fell into a deep struggle.

There is no miracle that the so-called 21 days to develop a habit happens, on the contrary, the hunger of the nerves is getting worse and worse, and the countless exercises I have done for the university entrance examination cannot cure this nerves, and I began to relieve this feeling by eating, but it is getting worse and worse.

Then, I read another article in a book that 21 days is not enough to form a good habit, and 66 days can be developed into a good habit. So, I didn't give up, I kept going.

Until one day, my stomach was like a bulging ball, and it could no longer fit a bottle of water or even a steamed bun, and I began to panic.

What my mom said came true, and I couldn't take care of myself. I get up at 6 o'clock every day and go to breakfast from 7 to 7:30 o'clock, go to class in the morning, go home for dinner at noon, continue to take an afternoon class in the afternoon, buy something outside and eat casually before the evening self-study, and then go to the evening self-study until half past nine, and then go to the night self-study until eleven or twelve o'clock.

Come home on Friday afternoon, do laundry, do some chores, read novels, watch TV, eat, sleep. With such a tight arrangement of life, if my time is used effectively, how can I not be admitted to a second university? Is my brain really stupid? Doesn't it say that diligence can make up for clumsiness?

Sixty-six days passed, but a miracle did not befall me, and there was no sign at all. I didn't develop the so-called good habits, and I couldn't help but want to eat.

In the three years of middle school and the two years of high school, I saved every five cents my mother gave me, and used it to buy a book I wanted to read at the school gate, and I never ate or drank nonsense.

I remember one time, when I was in the third year of junior high school, one afternoon, I was sitting in the classroom by the window, it happened to be dinner time in the afternoon, my brother walked by our classroom, saw me, and asked me if I had eaten, and then he actually bought me a pack of five cents instant noodles, at that time my mother gave me and my brother five cents a day, and I had saved more than a dozen yuan in my hand at that time. I can't help it, I want to buy books.

But after living in school in the third year of high school, I no longer have this kind of mentality, I am very serious about studying, a state of near collapse in learning, my body needs energy, to relieve my mental tension. I need to eat to vent my inner anguish.

However, my body was resistant, and what I ate in my stomach began to be indigestible, and it accumulated in my intestines, and my belly grew bigger day by day, and my face was swollen, and at that time, I couldn't even poop or pee.........

However, in my opinion, this is not the most serious, the most serious is that I know what I am doing but I can't say.

I knew I was sick, but I didn't know it was a nervous disease, and I even suspected that I was mentally ill, so I didn't dare to open my mouth.

I'm afraid that if I say such a thing, even I admit that I am mentally ill, then what will others think of me?

I persevered in this state for four days, and I couldn't hold on anymore. I remember that afternoon, I told my teacher that I had a stomachache and that I was going home.

Then, the teacher said that your face is swollen, you should go back.

When I got home, I told my mother, who took me to the village town, where the doctor looked at me and didn't know what was wrong. I have a stomachache and haven't had a bowel movement for four days.

The doctor gave me fluids overnight, and at two o'clock in the middle of the night, my mother accompanied me home, it was November, the night was very cold, I was wearing a tracksuit, my mother took off her coat and put it on me, I cried, but I couldn't say a word.

The next day my belly was bigger and more painful. I went to the clinic again and found an old doctor, and the old doctor asked me questions, and I couldn't answer any of them, but I knew in my heart, but I couldn't say it.

There was no way, my mom called my dad and sent me to the county hospital to take a film, my stomach was full of water, and I didn't see anything.

But my stomach was about to explode, and I cried in pain. My parents were frightened by me and sent me to the emergency department of the Aerospace Hospital, where I found out that I had not had a bowel or bowel movement for four or five days. I had a urinary catheter inserted, I was given a bowel fillet, and I was observed in the hospital for four days and finally recovered.