Chapter Twenty-Four: May You Smile When You Hear My Name May you give me a hug when you see me again

"Are you...... North Chu? The slight voice of inquiry came from the north road, and his eyes were full of uncertainty and pain as mine, how we hope that this person is the relative we have been waiting for in our hearts, so that she can no longer experience wind and frost, no longer sleep in the wind, no longer experience all the suffering and torture.

But how afraid we are that this weathered and bloodless woman is the girl who was full of enthusiasm and flamboyant personality back then, so how do we accept it, how to imagine what she has experienced over the years, how to forgive herself for letting her suffer so much, in order to become this unrecognizable appearance.

Especially Beilu, his face was pale, his hands were clenched into fists, the joints between his fingers were particularly prominent, and the blue-red blood was very piercing, and I gently shook his hand, which was a numb coldness.

"I'm Beichu, my name is Yin Beichu, are you all okay? North end, North Road, has everything been okay at home all these years? She heard the inquiry of the North Road, and the two lines of tears fell instantly, and she wanted to reach out and touch our faces, but after looking at us, she lowered her hands deeply, such a sense of powerlessness, such a heavy burden.

My tears also fell the moment I heard her name be spoken, but my steps did not obey, and a deep sense of grief and distress spread in my chest, and I felt that the cells in my whole body were tingling, all pressing tightly, and I was so heavy that I couldn't breathe.

"I'm so happy to look at you, I can see that you are all very good, the north road is really getting longer and more handsome, and the north end has also grown into a big beauty, I am almost unrecognizable, it's good, it's just that I have become like this, you must have difficulty accepting it." She lowered her head again, muttering what looked like a thirty-year-old could speak.

Such a strong sense of inferiority complex is not at all like the words that should be said by the North Chu in my heart, in my heart, anyone in this world can be inferior, only my sister will not illuminate herself because there is a sun in her heart, but now, I can no longer find that sun, only the majestic rain hitting her heart.

At that moment, it dawned on me that the sun in my heart would be scared away by the rain of reality, and none of us seemed to know how to get it back.

"Beichu, you don't want to be like this, you are so beautiful and so confident, you have always been the person I admire the most in my heart, don't you feel inferior, okay, don't give up on yourself, okay?" I rushed over and hugged this lonely soul tightly, and then they also came together on the north road, everyone hugged each other tightly, but there were indescribable vicissitudes in my heart.

If I could, how much I would like to erase the pain that Beichu has endured over the years, give her a happy personality that no one can take away, and give her a beautiful and stable life, we dare not ask what she has experienced over the years, who she has met, and where she has lived a difficult life, and it took several times to return here to find the police station, because we are afraid that her tears will surge, and we are even more afraid that our hearts will be unbearable.

How I hope to wake up tomorrow morning and find myself asleep sitting on the desk in junior high school, and then the bell rings for the end of class, I am also awakened, and I hurriedly wiped the saliva from the corner of my mouth in laughter, and then Beichu rushed over and threw the schoolbag on me and beckoned to me, "Hey, Yin Beimo, are you a pig so slow, hurry up, hurry up, or you won't be able to watch the show." Seeing my sleepy-eyed appearance, she had no choice but to come over and drag me out, and she didn't forget to find fault with me on the way.

In that case, I will definitely hug Beichu tightly and not let go, and then say hypocritically, "Beichu, I just had a terrible dream, but fortunately, it was just a dream that really scared me to death." ”

Maybe she won't be able to stand my hypocrisy and kick me away, maybe she will pat me on the back in a good mood to comfort me, maybe she will scold me regardless of it, Yin Beimo, are you crazy, dreams are dreams, reality is reality, are you still a three-year-old child? I really don't understand how a smart and beautiful person like me can have such a stupid sister as you who can't be cured.

How nice it would be then, then everything would still have a chance, then everything could be done again, and we would still be just the same youth.

Five years ago, after Beichu disappeared, our family has never laughed and laughed since, especially in the initial period, it seems that no matter where you go, there is a kind of wordless sadness, an inexplicable grief, unspeakable, unable to pour, every time I walk to the door I have to look behind me twice, to see if there will still be a head rushing to my back to punch me, and then said fiercely, "Yin Beimo, are you bold, do you dare to go home without waiting for me!" ”

Yes, I had the guts to throw you away, so I didn't even dare to find you.

During that time, life was like losing the nerve of happiness, walking the road with Beichu, looking at the small bed that she had slept with Beichu, the scene where she and I hid in the quilt and told her heart was vivid, remembering all the smiles and expressions of Beichu, every word of scolding me, disgusting me, loving me, all of them, they were all like that, as if they were still in their ears, but the people had disappeared without a trace.

It's like a kind of automatic blocking, all of us don't mention the name of Beichu, afraid of embarrassing the topic, afraid of making the surroundings quiet, Cangnan carefully accompanies me, but also dare not talk more, for fear that a careless sentence or even a word will cause me to be sad, will touch my sensitive nerves, he has to accompany me quietly, and try to make me happy in various ways.

And the thing I was most afraid of was going home, afraid of seeing my mother's crying red eyes, afraid of the suffocating and oppressive air, afraid of seeing all the items used by Beichu, afraid of approaching Beichu's desk and seeing Beichu's diary, afraid of the loneliness of being alone in bed and lying around in the dark and silent, I don't know when I began to get used to listening to songs before going to bed at night, and began to get used to falling asleep accompanied by melodious singing.

But what I'm most worried about is Beilu's self-blame, worried that he will also have an accident because of this, since Beichu disappeared, Beilu has been frantically searching, he frequently appears at the door of the bar where Beichu disappeared, frequently appears in the police station to inquire about the situation, even if there is a little bit of news, he immediately runs over and flips it over, he is always so dark and has deep circles, he always smiles so far-fetched, he always comes home very late, and then he is so tired that he lies on the bed and falls asleep before he has time to wash. Although he didn't say it to make us worry, we all know that it must be difficult to forgive himself in his heart, he must not accept the fact that he drove Beichu away, he said that he sometimes feels that the meaning of life is to be able to find Beichu, to make his mother happy, to be able to return the family laughter.

I still remember one day when I came home at night, and before I reached the door, I saw Beilu standing motionless on the edge of the roof, his thin body hanging in the wind, looking like a caricature, and under the street lamp it looked so desolate, so desireless. He looked into the distance with a blank face, and his face was heavy that I couldn't understand. My heart suddenly shocked, did Beilu want to do something stupid? Did the North Road decide to give up?

A rush of blood rushed into my head, I hurriedly rushed to the roof in a panic, I didn't even have time to put down my schoolbag, and then quickly rushed up to pull back to the north road, and shouted at him loudly, "You don't want to be like this on the north road, we can figure out everything in a way, how can you not think of it?" How could you want to leave us behind? ”

"Ah, Beimo, what are you talking about, I just thought the air was good above, so I came up to blow the wind." Beilu turned around and looked at me with a puzzled face, staring at me with some sneer, and when I heard his words, I finally let go of my hanging heart, and sat on the cement slab on the roof and exhaled heavily.

Beilu then sat down next to me, his eyes were quiet, he sighed heavily and said, "Actually, I haven't thought about escaping, but if even I am gone, what will my mother do, what will you do?" It's really reluctant to let you bear so much of the future alone. ”

It was the first time that Beilu confessed to me since Beichu's disappearance for nearly a month, confessing all the discomfort and suffering in his heart, that night, Beilu, who had always been so breezy and calm, cried like a child who made a mistake and was beaten, like a child who was locked out of the door by his parents and cried. In the past month, he has endured too much pressure, endured too much sadness but has nowhere to vent, and he dare not vent it, until this moment finally can't help but find a breakthrough, return all the uncomfortable pain in his heart to the world, and confide all his heart.

I gently patted the back of Kitaji, who was crying until he was convulsing, his body was shaking, his bones were so obvious, his back was so hard, but it was shaking so much. Beichu, you like the North Road so much, you don't allow anyone to bully him for half a point, can you bear to see the North Road like this? If you see it, isn't it enough to vent your anger? How I wish you were there, so that you would not be able to be angry at this wounded boy again, and then you would understand that you were the first person to hit North Road, but you were also the first person to make North Road blame himself so much that he couldn't cry.

It was also the first time I saw Beilu spread out the wounds in my heart, and suddenly I realized that I owed Beilu more than a little, never forgot to ask him about the pain in his heart, never knew how to ask him whether he was good or not, and always went to Beilu at the slightest trouble, and now he was crying so hoarsely, but I couldn't do anything but pat him on the back and comfort him that everything would be fine, everything would pass.

Time is a good medicine to dilute sadness, it can make people forget the pain of suffocation for a while, but time is also a poison, it makes all the upper speech turn into pus, often dull pain, but it is no longer possible to hang on all day long.

We all tacitly agree not to think about all the unhappiness, but everyone knows that there is a corner in our hearts that is reserved for those scars.

During that time, I rarely smiled, but almost every rare smile was when I was with Cangnan, he tried all kinds of ways to tease me, what to make faces, dance with Haoran, and play funny songs for me, and even perform exaggerated taekwondo moves for me, he used all the tricks he could think of, every time I smiled, he would be happy like a child who ate honey, and then happily said to me, "Beimo, you don't know how rare and important your smile is, How scared I am of losing your smile, so you must keep this smile alive, okay? ”

There was always sadness in his eyes, but every time I looked at him in confusion, he always quickly dodged my eyes and shook his head to change the subject.

I am very glad that I still have Cangnan's company, he seems to be really a hero who stepped on the colorful auspicious clouds to come to me, constantly bringing me surprises and constantly giving me warmth.

Cangnan earnestly instructed me, do you know the end of the north? There are so many important people in your life, there are so many people who have experienced life and death with you, just like your brother, like your missing sister, like your deceased grandmother, I know that they are even more important than yourself in your heart, so you don't care about life and death for them, but in the end of the north, there are not many important people in my life, but you are the most important person except my parents, so you must think about it for me when you torture yourself, okay?

That was the first time I heard Cangnan say his heart so truly, he said, "My life has always been so simple, and there have never been few people who are really willing to give their lives to me, but I know that you are the kind of person who does not care about yourself for others, so do you know how much I cherish you and how much I feel sorry for you?" ”

That day, Cangnan told me about his family, his thin and lonely childhood, he lived in a lonely and empty villa since he was a child, no partners and no close friends, more often he went home alone, did his homework alone, played the piano alone, ate alone, and slept with the lights off. He said that it was fine, because it would save the quarrel and the irritability, because as soon as his parents came back, the room was filled with the sound of yelling and throwing things, and then the sound of his mother slamming the door when she ran out of the door with her suitcase, and then it was definitely the sound of my father driving out. Cangnan said that in fact, he was not surprised or sad at all about the divorce of his parents, on the contrary, when he grew up, he thought that such an ending might be the best ending for them.

I'm curious why his parents suddenly cared so much about him, in order not to affect him, he actually sent him to the south, which was far away, Cangnan said with some sadness that he had suffered from autism for a time before he came here, that is, the diagnosis of this illness made the parents who had quarreled for many years and still unwilling to let go finally decided to think about their children, but also to give themselves a free world, no longer to keep the other party from having a good time, Cangnan said that the time when he was diagnosed with autism was the happiest time in his life, Because that day, in order to take into account his feelings and make him feel the warmth of the family so that his illness could get better as soon as possible, they tried their best to act, cook him delicious meals, and take him on a trip to a foreign country, Cangnan said that in fact, he had already understood that this was just a play when he was a teenager, but he was still very happy, because he could finally no longer be alone, at least in the eyes of outsiders, he was so happy.

Indeed, if I hadn't listened to Cangnan tell so many sad stories, I would also think that he was very happy, living in a mansion, and a natural mixed-race, a solid family, a natural image, a versatile talent, no exception, a life that everyone envies, and a lucky darling in everyone's eyes.

So I have always deeply thought that Cangnan is a happy growth without sadness and a simple child, so I look at the world simply and kindly.

Actually, God is fair, it seems that every lonely teenager will look at the world gently.

I've always wondered why Cangnan always inexplicably told me some heavy words, not like his style at all, even if I was worried that I couldn't come out of the shadow of the beginning of the north, I didn't have to mention it from time to time, but Cangnan's desire to speak made me feel very incomprehensible, until the New Year's Day party came.

At the New Year's Day party, Cangnan pulled me under the stage, and then told me with a heavy face that I must watch him perform here, and I must not walk away. I thought he was nervous, and I smiled and encouraged him not to be nervous, just take it easy, and it wasn't an important game anyway.

Cangnan sat on the stage and played the guitar seriously, under the colorful lights, as if he was the master of the world, such a powerful aura, after the performance, Cangnan bowed deeply to the bottom of the stage, and then raised his head to look at the audience below After scanning a circle, his eyes condensed to me, he said slowly, "This is my last performance in this school, and it is also my last performance in the south, forgive me for not saying goodbye to you in advance, that's because I am really reluctant, so forgive me for my haste, Thank you also to all the friends who have accompanied me. ”

A cold tear crossed my cheek, I recalled Cangnan's abnormal behavior these days, all the words and all the actions were explained in an instant, Xichen touched me with his elbow next to me, "Where is Cangnan going, Beimo, why haven't I heard you say it, you have hidden the secret tightly enough this time." ”

"Xichen, would you believe me if I said I didn't know the news that he was leaving?" I turned around and threw myself into Xichen's arms and cried, I really couldn't accept that Cangnan was going to disappear in my life, why did everyone seem to be able to only accompany me for a while, why did everyone keep saying that they loved me, but they were in a hurry to leave?