Refusing someone's request, even if it is really impossible, can cause unhappiness and even hurt the other person's feelings, casting a shadow over the sincere friendship that has been forged over the years.

How to refuse other people's requests and make them accept them happily without feeling unpleasant is a thorny problem that people often encounter in their interactions.

Here's what one teacher experienced:

Last year, our family home held a college entrance examination cram school, and hired first-class middle school teachers in the city to teach classes. The class size is small, the management is strict, and the admission rate is as high as 70%. As soon as the news spread, people who asked to enter the cram school flocked to the school, and the children in the family home alone filled a small classroom, and some people outside the hospital also wanted to squeeze in, and found the door through various connections.

As a result, my home as an ordinary teacher was also flooded with lobbyists. Most of the people who come to send their children to cram schools are old leaders, old colleagues, and old acquaintances, and there is only one classroom, which is really unable to accommodate it. How to reject these requesters with high hopes, I was also stumped by this thorny question for a while.

After a bothersome period of reflection, I came to a purpose: to seek understanding in rejection. To this end, the following practices have been adopted.

Show respect first, then tell the truth

When rejecting a request from someone else, it is not appropriate to say "no" as soon as you open your mouth, but you should respect the wishes of the other party, first say words of approval and sympathy, and then explain the actual situation and explain the reasons why you cannot accept the request.

When I was running a cram school for the college entrance examination, I met many such people, and as soon as I met, I made a direct request: "My child has not been admitted to university, so there is no other way but to go to a cram school, please help me with this." I was not in a hurry to say "no", but took over the conversation and said, "Yes, the child's school entrance examination is a big deal, who can not worry about it." Last year, my child was not admitted to university, and I was so anxious that I had no choice but to run this cram school. Then he stated the situation truthfully: "There is only one classroom in our college entrance examination cram school, which is very small and already crowded, and there are desks on both sides of the podium, so there is really no place to ......"

Because you have said those words of approval and sympathy first, and respected the wishes of the other party, you have an emotional basis of mutual trust and mutual understanding, and the other party can believe that the situation you have stated is true, and that your refusal is out of helplessness and understandable.

As the saying goes: "It's easy to go up the mountain to catch a tiger, but it's hard to ask for help." If you say "no" at the beginning, it will make the other person's anxiety aggravated, lose balance, and produce a strong resentment.

Find a few more people, and there will be circumstantial evidence

To refuse someone else's request, it is better to have more people who understand the situation and have the same views in the presence of more than a few people, not because there is more pressure on the less, but because there is circumstantial evidence on the spot, which can enhance the credibility of the reasons stated.

Once, when my current leader wanted to send a child to a cram school, I used the excuse of "consultation" to find a few people from the teachers and students of the cram school and let them be present, so that when I stated the specific situation of the cram school, they naturally had to interject a few sentences: "The classroom is too big, and there are no more people!" "The teacher doesn't even have a place to sit during the break, so how can I do it!" Some people even complained to me and said a few words of complaint.

Generally speaking, when I make a request to someone, I always have a little doubt in my heart: can he meet my request? Is what he said true? Only when these doubts are relieved will the other party believe that your refusal is out of helplessness, sincere and understandable.

The ancients said: "The mouth of the crowd is golden." No matter how sincere and truthful a person says, the other party also feels that it is a one-sided statement, and he will be suspicious, and with the words of the people present, the other party will not be allowed to disbelieve. Take a look on the ground and let the facts speak for themselves, as the saying goes, "If you don't hit the south wall, you won't look back." "When it comes to rejecting other people's demands, the facts are a wall, and the ironclad facts are in front of them, and no matter how insistent they are, they cannot but withdraw their own demands.

There was an old classmate who wanted to send his child to a cram school, because he was eager to get things done, no matter how he explained the actual situation and how many difficulties he said, he just didn't believe it, I really had no choice, so I had to take him to the cram school classroom to have a look, and then take a tape measure, measure the empty space, and see if I could put down another desk. When he saw that he couldn't even fit a desk, he had to shake his head and say, "No, it's really not good." And apologized again and again: "I'm so sorry! I didn't expect it to be so. ”

Generally speaking, as long as there is a glimmer of hope to achieve the goal, no one is willing to accept rejection easily. Go to the scene to take a look, and let the facts in front of you say no for you, and it will cut off the last ray of hope for the other party. Since it was knocked back on the wall of facts, it would not complain, and it would naturally be forgiving to the refuser.

Explain the stakes clearly, and you and I share the risks

The person making the request is bent on realizing his own wishes, rarely considers the troubles and risks brought to others, truthfully explains the interests and possible adverse consequences, and pulls the other party in to share the risk, which will make the person making the request stop and give up his own request.

An old classmate wanted to send his child to a cram school, but when he saw that there was really no more desk in the classroom, he still refused to give up his request, and asked: "Can you put a stool in the aisle, you can do without a desk?" ”

I said, "Look, the aisle is so narrow, if you put another stool, the teacher can't walk over, and you can't guide the students to do their homework, which affects the quality of teaching and misses the children's future, and you and I can't explain it!" ”

He thought for a while and said, "Yes, I want my child to go to cram school, but I didn't expect so much for a while. ”

By sharing the risks that may arise, the other party will be able to think about the problem from the perspective of others and be considerate of the difficulties of others.

Refuse to come to the door, change from passive to active

It is only natural that the request should be made first and the request should be rejected last. Therefore, it is always passive to refuse other people's requests, it is difficult to predict who, when, and what will be requested, and once the other party's request is made, it must always be answered in person. But in some cases, you can also gain a little initiative and go to the door to refuse.

Once, when I came back from a business trip, my lover told me that my teacher's child wanted to attend cram school and planned to come to me in the evening.

When I heard the news, I immediately ran to the teacher's house and said to him, "I'm so sorry! The cram school classroom is too small, there is not even an empty space, there is really no way, hurry up to find another place to not miss the child's learning. ”

He said, "I should have begged you, but in turn told you to run so far, but I really can't help it." It seems that there is no way to do it, otherwise you would not have come to the door to refuse. ”

If you think about it carefully, there are at least three advantages to refusing to come to the door: one is to warm the other party's heart with full enthusiasm, and if you refuse, it will not make the other party feel cold; the second is to express his willingness to serve the other party's meager efforts, and he is willing to work tirelessly to come to the door, which shows that the refusal is out of inability and can be understood; The third is to change from passive to active, and ask the other party to accept the rejection by asking for help, which is out of respect and will not hurt the other party's feelings. Especially for the elders, if they can't accept the request, it is better to turn them down.

Talk more about other people's strengths, and other people's are better than mine

Most of the people who come to you to ask you for something to do believe that you can solve this problem and have high expectations. Generally speaking, the higher the expectations you have, the harder it is to refuse. In a conversation about refusal requests, talking more about your strengths, or boasting too much about yourself, will unintentionally raise the expectations of the other person and make it more difficult to refuse. If you appropriately talk about your own shortcomings, you will lower the expectations of the other party, and on this basis, seize the appropriate opportunity to talk more about the strengths of others, so that the other party's goal of asking for help can be naturally shifted to the past, so as to achieve the goal of rejection.

There are some people who want to send their children to cram school, and after listening to me talk about all kinds of difficulties, they often know that they can't get what they want, and they often say, "What can I do?" I seized the opportunity to say, "Our cram school is limited by various conditions, and it is not very good. The cram school run by a certain unit is better than ours in terms of teachers, equipment, management, etc., and the admission rate next year will definitely surpass ours. If you want to go to that cram school, I can say hello to the principal and ask him to put it in anyway. After saying that, most people will gladly accept it. I would also say a few words of gratitude.

As the saying goes, "A man goes to a high place." Through your conversation, he expects more from others, and he wants to go for it, and the goal of asking for help naturally shifts, and you are willing to help him get a better home, and of course he will express his gratitude, so that the disappointment and annoyance of rejection will be replaced by the joy and relief of unexpected success.