I want to take him on a trip, we haven't been out together for a long time, in the past few years, I've always been busy, busy, but what am I busy with?

I told Zhang Ruolei, I won't go to work, I won't hand over, what kind of reception can the next one receive, I can't control it, I don't want to take care of it, what can I manage? I'm just not responsible, I'm just a person who doesn't explain, how about it? Who can do what about Lao Tzu?

At that time, I had been with my son for a full week. We are extremely tired every day, and he and I are acting every day: I am playing a good mother, acting without care, acting generous, and playing the warm card; He is trying to play a good son, pretending to be obedient, and pretending to be a lost teenager.

But we are all actors with crappy acting skills, but we are tired of fighting in front of each other.

Several times, I was so suffocated that I wanted to push open the window and jump off, and I believe he too. But we saw each other, and continued to act firmly and persistently.

Zhang Ruolei came, pushed me into the bedroom, my son glanced at me, the eyes were complicated, I couldn't understand, I told him I told you Uncle Zhang to explain something about the company.

He looked at me again, I ignored him, we closed the door, I sat on the bed, he sat on a chair on the floor.

He said you can't do this, you will drive yourself crazy and you will drive others crazy.

I laughed and I said what do you think I should do? Stuff yourself back into your womb or stuff him back into your womb? Can you? Is it possible?

I burst into tears.

He looked at me helplessly.

"You should send him to a drug rehabilitation center, where there are professionals who assess the extent of his addiction and when he can come out."

"It's not your son, of course you can say that, do you know what it means to be a mother? How can I bear it? After he goes in, it's over, his life will be stained, will he be able to go back to school in the future? Does he still have a future? You don't have a backache when you stand and talk. He wants to go to university, enter a key high school, find a good job, he must have a chance, he is just a ...... now"

I covered my face, I didn't know what I was talking about.

Zhang Ruolei looked at me, took out a cigarette after watching for a while, lit it, and took a puff, but he coughed violently first.

"I'll help you think about it, when he comes out, I'll send him abroad, foreign civilization, people are not so idle, talk about other people's idle stories all day long, find a better school, and when he comes back, he will be a returnee, it's okay if he doesn't come back."

I stood up, shaking.

"I'm not going to let him leave me. He, ah, he's there for me and I didn't even take good care of him. You're going to send him away, what kind of heart do you have? Abroad? So far? How do I see him? How do I look at him? Yes? You tell me? It's so messy abroad, there are more people abroad who take drugs at this age, and they also mess with the relationship between men and women, and he gets AIDS again, in case he is like his father and he is a person......"

Zhang Ruolei looked at me in surprise, and I also raised my head to look at him.

The word "scum" that was about to blurt out, it didn't look like a knife, and it flew out of the door.

He quickly walked to the door and carefully pulled it up a crack, while I looked out in horror and searched Zhang Ruolei's face for evidence that my son Huaiping had not heard.

Zhang Ruolei closed the door tightly and shook his head at me. What he meant was that his son wasn't outside the door and that he probably hadn't heard our conversation.

I sat on the edge of the bed and covered my face with my hands.

I said Zhang Ruolei, I don't want to live anymore, why is it so painful for people to live, why is it always me? Why can't my days stop a little bit? Why? There are also 800 people who told me at this time to be strong, let them try it too, let them come too, see if they can get through it, see if they can be strong.

Zhang Ruolei came over and hugged me gently. I don't want to care about it, I don't want to care about anything anymore. What did he lie to me and use me, what an earth-shattering conspiracy, what did he mean to me, what did he just sleep with a tender model a few days ago...... I don't want to care about anything.

I'm tired too, can't I be tired? I also want to find a shoulder to lean on, how cheap and shameless is it, how unreserved is it? Even if it is, let them say go, scold it, laugh it, the old lady doesn't care, she doesn't care. After so many years, why, and why should I?

I hugged him, I couldn't wait to dig my nails into his flesh, he also hugged me tightly, deadly, his chin rested on my soft head, I couldn't hold back crying anymore, crying for thousands of miles, tears wet the clothes on his chest, Zhang Ruolei inserted his slender and strong fingers into my hair, rubbing my hair into a mess.

He's so safe in his arms, I'm so tired, I really want to hold him like this, until I'm old.

But is there really such a thing as being old in the wilderness?

We will be separated sooner or later, life will still have to be faced by me alone sooner or later, this fucking life, this bullshit life, who is not unavoidable?

I coveted the warmth of his embrace, but at the same time I knew that it was not, never, and never would ever be mine.

I pushed him away, got up, and sat back on the edge of the bed. Zhang Ruolei silently handed over the tissue, I wiped away my tears, and said you go.

He said you are like this, how can I rest assured?

I looked at him, is it funny to say all that? What if you don't feel at ease? What can you really do for me? Amusing!

He hooked his head, took another cigarette out of his bag, pulled out one, lit it, and the smoke rose in his face, and the room was silent.

I seemed to think of something suddenly, I made a "shhh" gesture to the second generation, and the second generation was stunned, he knew me too well, or, he knew people too well. He extinguished his cigarette and dragged me down. Say "Don't." ”

My eyes were red, and I yelled at him: "You get out of here, you don't have a son, he is not your son, if it were your son, you wouldn't be so calm." ”

"Does it make sense? He was not a prisoner. You are not a jailer. ”

I was stunned.

"I am! Am I not? Do I have a choice? You let go of me. ”

Zhang Ruolei's hand clamped me tightly like iron tongs, he made me hurt, does he know the heart of a single mother? He is all my hope!

"Let go of me!"

My lip was almost bleeding from my bite.

"Let go."

Zhang Ruolei didn't squeak, his eyes were red, there were no tears, but the snot flowed out first.

"Can you not do this? I think you're so uncomfortable. ”

I must have gone crazy and I tried to shake him off.

"I don't want you to care. What can you manage? Can you control me when it's time to get real? You don't have to pretend to be a saint in front of me. ”

"Plum!"

He didn't let go, his head pressed against my shoulder.

"Meizi, I beg you. I'm so uncomfortable with you like this. I've never felt so bad. ”

I cried again, the whole person softened, Zhang Ruolei let go of his hand, and the two hands came over and hugged me gently, the moment he just hugged me, I was short, quickly got out of his arms, and I rushed out. Behind him was his desperate cry: "Meizi! ”

I swirled out like a gust of wind, I pushed the door of my son's room, it didn't move, I twisted the lock, and when I pushed it again, it was locked inside. He's taking drugs, he's taking drugs, he's locking himself in and taking drugs. I banged on the door. I said you open the door for me, what are you doing, are you human or not, you get out of here.

Zhang Ruolei rushed out and hugged me and dragged me back: "Do you want to force him to death?" ”

"Let go of me! Are you trying to drive me to death? Huaiping, you bastard, your dad let me die once, you're here to take over? Why are you doing this to me?! You don't have to die well! What iniquity have I created? ”

Zhang Ruolei "snapped" and slapped me.

"Plum!" He squeezed my shoulders. "Are you crazy?"

The son rushed out, and he pushed Zhang Ruolei away.

"Don't hit my mom, it's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault."

I pushed Huaiping away: "Get out!" I'm not your mother! ”

I pointed to the doorway.

"Get out! You me off. ”

I pushed him out.

"You're not my son, you're going to die. Why should I give birth to you, why should I want you when I get divorced? ”

My son's face was full of tears, and he kept calling me like a child, saying Mommy, Mommy. The shouting broke my heart.

But I don't listen, I don't want to listen, why have I been doing it all these years, what is it for? He wouldn't do this to me if he had the slightest place for me in his heart!

I rushed to the door, opened it, and Zhang Ruolei kicked the door shut. I pounced, and I wanted to die with the world today.

Zhang Ruolei hugged me tightly.

"Are you crazy? If he really goes out, something really happens to you, and you will regret it for the rest of your life. ”

I arched backwards like a shrimp. "Do you think I don't regret it now? My biggest regret is giving birth to him, do you know?! I regret asking for him the most, and I regret taking him with me when I divorced. ”

Every word I say is like a knife, like a needle. I felt that Zhang Ruolei was going to suffocate me, and his eyes were red.

Huai Ping stood in a corner of the small hall, he stopped crying, he looked at me, quietly, and then, slowly lowered his body, he knelt down for me, "pop", a sound, I stopped crying, turned around, "pop" again. He lowered his head and slapped himself mechanically and numbly, "snap", a third time.

The slap was loud, and I don't know if he slapped himself in the face or in my heart.

Zhang Ruolei ran towards Huaiping again.

"Huaiping, stop. What are you doing, can your mother feel good like this? ”

"Let him fan."

I cried and shouted.

"Let him fan."

I shouted.

"Let him fan. He really has my mother in his heart, he won't take drugs, he won't be cheap to this point, he wants me to die, he's as poisonous as his father. ”

"Plum!"

Zhang Ruolei turned back to me in despair and shouted.

"Won't I? You're not wrong, it's me. Your mom and I were wrong, I was wrong to be blind when I saw a man first, I shouldn't have married your father, I shouldn't have slept with him, I shouldn't have gotten pregnant, and I shouldn't have given birth to you. It's my fault. ”

I've started to say nothing. I snapped and slapped myself.

Huaiping "whooped", Zhang Ruolei ran over and hugged me again.