Twilight:

Basking in the sunshine of the western coast of the United States, I sat on the balcony and looked out at the sparse figures, and it was rare to find it so peaceful. In the distance, there was the sound of waves crashing on the shore, like bursts of percussion gently knocking into my heart.

Phliex just watched me leave after taking my pills, I haven't had such a person sitting in this apartment for a long time, after coming to the United States, the big house became a small room, my mother died, my father was misanthropic, and I was still alive. For a long time, I lived in endless darkness, I refused to take medicine, I resisted treatment, I closed myself off, and I locked myself in this small apartment.

When I opened my mailbox yesterday, I saw more than 100 emails lying in the draft box, all of which pointed to you - Yuan Dutian, but unfortunately I didn't have the courage to send them out in the past five years or so. During the radiotherapy, I thought I was going to die, and I didn't even have the strength to cry every day. I really never thought we'd end up like this, parting in such a cruel way.

At the beginning, you came to Xiangcheng for me, I was very touched and grateful. I returned to Xiangcheng from Beijing, but because of a test report from my mother, I went home and tested again, and the result was not good. My mother's illness progressed rapidly, and my father and I couldn't think too much about it, so with my aunt's persuasion and help, we were able to get the visa as quickly as possible. You only came to Yunshan University at that time, and you were so busy that we didn't have time to visit my hometown together, but I was leaving, and you happened to go to the field to participate in the training of new teachers when I left. I didn't dare tell you why I went to the United States, I was in such a hurry, I thought I would be able to return home soon, but I didn't want to stay so long.

I'm sick too, and when people get sick, they become very vulnerable, and I miss you so much at that time, and if you stay with me, I'll be a little more relaxed. No, I still have to pretend to be strong to take care of my mom and comfort my dad. I beg your pardon for not being able or willing to care about anything else, and I don't want to get you into the trouble of my life. When I miss you, I type desperately into the computer, but I only send a few painless emails, and those words that miss you, beg you, and have grievances are all sealed. I've read every email you've sent since I left, and every time I see your email, my heart aches. After that, I won't open your emails anymore, and since you want to be ruthless, let's be cruel to each other.

It's just that loving someone seems to become a habit, and although I have told myself countless times to give up on you and let everyone start over and be okay, I still can't compete with the longing and loneliness in my heart. I still miss you, want to know your news, want to know how you are doing, and will you still think of me? I ask Qingtian to inquire about your situation, and if my body allows, I will buy gifts and send them to her, so that she can give them to you in her name, and I ask her to take care of you more as a friend. There were a few times when I was so upset that I forgot to contact her, but then I asked her to buy a gift for you on my behalf.

Although my body has improved, the long-term mental load has put me in a state of anxiety, low mood, slow thinking, I suffered from depression, very serious, the worst time I thought about suicide, even put into action, I swallowed most of the bottle of sleeping pills, fortunately Phliex found out in time and sent me to the hospital to save my life. Under his guidance, I began to try therapy.

Now that I think about it, my original life was too smooth, I went all the way to Peking University from a young age, and then I met you again and became a campus couple that everyone envied, and then I became a lawyer. But I may be the lucky one among the misfortunes, at least I'm alive and have met what I think is the best doctor.

Phliex is the son of a Chinese friend my aunt knew, during my mother's serious illness, I felt that my life was gloomy due to physical and mental exhaustion, and my aunt was afraid that I would be too pessimistic to survive, so she wanted to ask Phliex to help me. At the behest of my aunt, he began to intervene in my psyche. He is aware of all the past between me and you, and many times he is my only listener and companion in the United States.

My depression treatment is also thanks to him. At first, I refused to get too close to a doctor, and I didn't admit that I was mentally ill, I drove him away many times, but he still insisted on treating me, probably because of the doctor's kindness, I saw that he really wanted to help me, and slowly began to try to receive treatment, and later, I regarded him as my closest friend in the United States.

Phliex has treated me very well, sometimes even beyond the scope of a doctor's concern for his patients, and I have always been glad to have met such a caring doctor. But no matter how stupid a person is, even if he is a private doctor, he can't run to your house every once in a while, in addition to telling you to take medicine and eat, but also to help you buy this and that. I'm not stupid, but I don't want to break our relationship. Until my depression got better and I was back to work. Phliex once showed me his heart when he took me to the beach for a walk, and my first reaction was: no! I've always felt like I can't accept anyone other than you, and neither can Phliex.

I hid from him for a while, he was worried about my body, encouraged me, and said that if I can't let go of the previous people and feelings in my heart, it is better to go back to China and make a break, and it can be regarded as giving myself a chance. I didn't agree, but then I thought about it alone for a long time, and I felt that I had to give an explanation to our relationship, because I couldn't forget the good relationship we had before, and those good memories supported me through the most difficult times. So, I didn't tell Phliex that I was going behind his back to get the law firm's permission and go back to China.

I've heard Qingtian mention it before, saying that you seem to be in love, I didn't believe it at the time, but when I saw you holding the people around me, I felt like I was going to lose, and I would lose as soon as I returned to China, and I was unwilling. I don't want you to let go of me like this and invest in another relationship, I don't believe that you will be so ruthless to me, so I want to tell you my story, I know, you will not abandon me.

I don't want to see you and Qin Xiaotian go in and out, it will sting my eyes and sting my heart. I know you're conflicted and hesitant, but I want you to be by my side more, so I ignore your emotional dilemma and turn a blind eye to hurting another woman. I thought that as long as we were together, we could get back to the old days one day. I never thought I could be wrong, I never thought you had mine in your heart until I stumbled upon the sleeping pills in your bag. You say you can't sleep, but you won't tell me why you have insomnia, my heart is collapsing, and the person who makes you insomnia must not be me, because I am right next to you. I cried, but you comforted me, told me it was okay, and gently fed me medicine, and for the first time I thought I might be wrong.

I know Phliex must have approached you and asked you to persuade me to take my medicine on time and eat well, and he even gave you the dosage of the medicine. I played the drama of saying goodbye again, but I didn't want to, because I discarded the medicine he gave me, he actually chased me to China, and also came to Xiangcheng, but unfortunately when he arrived in Xiangcheng, he didn't know that I had gone to Beijing. I didn't know he was coming to China at first, but it was only when his cousin Jiang Zhan called me and asked if I had met his cousin, and I found out that he had come to China.

You know the rest of the story. I had no intention of hurting Qin Xiaotian, but in the end I hurt her and hurt you, I originally thought that I was just taking back what belonged to me, but I didn't know that your heart no longer belonged to me, I wanted to work hard to get you back, but there was no clear direction.

I am now obediently following Phliex for treatment, and after the cure, I will go back to China, which is my home and my friends. America has left me with nothing but loneliness and the smell of bad potions, and I don't expect you to wait for me, but I hope that at least you will let me be by your side as a friend. I plan to go back to Beijing to start a career, if you still have a trace of concern for me, I wish I can live well!

Saying that, I'm looking forward to going back and starting my new life, bless me, and I bless you!

- Written by Jingya