That's enough, but when I wake up you're gone...

When I stood downstairs at Xinrui's parents' house with deep guilt, they closed the closed door again, "You go, we don't want to see you again." ”

That's right! I caused their suffering, but I didn't know how to make up for it, and I tore the beautiful home apart, creating a rift that can never be healed.

Turning away from me, I silently turned my back, silently thinking in my heart, I will take care of them for you for the rest of their lives, even if they never want to see me again.

Throughout the winter and the Spring Festival, I traveled around the country in cities and villages, leaving my footprints in front of the homes of my deceased comrades-in-arms, and I searched for their graves to send flowers and memorials. But no one's home is still complete, those elderly parents are some old, some are haggard, I remember every face of my comrades-in-arms, but I can no longer return them to their families, the wounds in my heart accumulate little by little, and finally turn into the seeds of hatred buried in my heart.

Self-blame and hatred are beating at me all the time, and the voice that echoes most in my head during this time is - what happened? Why does a mission that isn't too dangerous end up like this? It took me and my brothers, and Xinrui's life. But how do I find out?

I'm crazy to find out, but where is the answer? I want to avenge my brother and lover, but I don't know who the enemy is. It's ridiculous, it's ridiculous, there's so much I can do about it. Unprecedented frustration hits me, I'm really too useless to do anything for them... Perhaps complete decadence is the best harbor.

Wine has become the only gift that paralyzes me, the early spring sun shines on my body through the window, in addition to the wine is a little more hot, I lazily turn over, continue to enjoy the touch of the sun, so be it, anyway, I am also an intoxicating person who borrows wine to kill his sorrows.

Sinner...

Xinrui's voice and smile still linger in front of my eyes, when I saw her for the first time, through the glass of the classroom door, her right hand kept spinning the pen in her hand, and her eyes were blurred and the corners of her mouth were smiling at the playground outside the window. Suddenly, the hair slid down her ears slightly, and the setting sun sprinkled on her like that, casting a slender shadow, but at that moment I couldn't control my heart.

But she was gone after all, and she didn't come back. But her figure is still in my mind, and I will never forget it. I picked up the bottle at the bedside and tried to pour it into my mouth, but there was no wine left in the empty bottle.

Walk out of the house and follow the road in the neighborhood to the supermarket. As we walked, we passed by Liu Yi's home, and stopped to see that Liu Yi's mother, like my mother, used to work in the ship repair plant next door, and as the largest company and unit in the neighborhood, many families around the community would have more or less people working there.

A rapid cough came from the balcony on the second floor of Liu Yi's house. Liu Yi's home doesn't look like it's empty, and the clothes drying on the shelves on the balcony of the house prove that someone is still living there, are his mother and sister okay? It's been a long time since I've seen them.

When I think of this, my heart seems to be carrying a heavy burden again, everything is because of me, only I survived, but the person who should come back did not come back, what face do I have to see his family again!

Just as I was about to bury my head and quietly turn away, a familiar figure stood a few meters away, with sharp eyes that seemed to have thorns, making me feel uncomfortable.

"You?" The last time I saw her in the back of my memory seemed like four years ago.

At that time, I was still on leave of service and came back to see Xinrui for the last time, and I happened to need to help Liu Yi get some things before I met her, this person was Liu Yi's own sister, Su Xi.

Liu Suxi's appearance is very different from four years ago, I remember that she was in the second year of junior high school at that time, and now she has reached the age of the college entrance examination. Time has passed, the little girl at the beginning has completely ended the transformation of her girlhood, and she is already like a mature adult, I remember that in the late stage of high school, girls have the appearance of adulthood, but Liu Suxi looks more obvious.

She wrinkled her eyebrows and stared at me sharply for a moment, and without saying a word, she walked directly to pass me shoulders, stepped up the stairs quickly and disappeared from her back. The door was slammed shut, the sound of the lock was audible, and I knew what she meant. My heart was on my mind the whole time, and I wanted to say something to her, but I was afraid to open up to her.

For me, the person who killed her brother, it was already polite to me not to scold me on the spot, what more could I ask for?

Once again, I fell into deep self-reproach. When I walked out of the supermarket after buying wine, I unscrewed the bottle and took two sips.

Liu Yi, my good brother, I killed you, and in the end I couldn't even find your body, everything is my fault, my fault...

I walked through the familiar streets in a trance, still bearing the imprint of the past in my heart, but suddenly the picture of the rainforest kept flashing in my mind, would Liu Yi's body be buried in the rainforest? If I can recover his body, it will be an account for him and his family, right?

"Don't you have eyes?" I was trance-crossing the road when a driver turned around and yelled at a driver who braked suddenly.

I stumbled and fell on the side of the road, the bottle was shattered, the whole bottle of liquor splashed, and I was completely drunk in the mist. In his sleep, Liu Yi seemed to be reaching out to me, he wanted to pull me up from this abyss, but in an instant he disappeared into the half-sunlit forest shadow.

I need to go back, the rainforest where the past was buried... Why is that?

Day after day, the day of the father's sacrifice. "Tomorrow I want to go to the cemetery, I want to go to see Dad." After telling Zhuang Jing a bedtime story, I sat next to my mother.

"Why don't you wait for me to go after work?" Mother said as she watched the TV show.

"You go pick up Jingjing after work, I'll go alone." I haven't been in a coma for several years and haven't gone to my father's grave to pay respects, and I should go and see it on such a day.

My mother stared at the TV and didn't turn her head to look at me, but there was a hint of sigh in her tone, "I have been to see both the Chinese New Year and the Qingming Festival, and now you have recovered and gone to see it." ”

I was sitting next to my mother, and a news item was playing on the TV, "Yesterday, an anti-narcotics police officer was shot by a drug dealer while on duty, and unfortunately died. Recently, drug-related crimes, which have become increasingly rampant, have been on the rise, and the vast number of people's cadres and policemen working in the front line are still striving at the forefront of cracking down on narcotics for the sake of the interests of the people and the state. ”

My heart fluttered slightly, but I didn't think much about it, or I didn't dare to think about it, and it has become my habit now.

The next day, the weather was gloomy, and the low pressure of the clouds made people feel a little suffocated, and the mood was even more gray. I held an umbrella and led Jingjing towards the kindergarten, but she didn't care much about the rain soaking her sleeves, "Dad, why does water drop from the sky?" Could it be that there is a faucet in the sky? ”

I didn't know how to answer for a while, Zhuang Jing's questions sometimes cut me out, I thought about it and replied with a smile, "Jingjing also sheds tears when she cries." ”

"Are you saying the sky is crying?" Zhuang Jing stretched out her hand out of the umbrella, felt the beating of the raindrops with her palm, and then looked sideways at the cloudy sky, "But who wiped his tears for him?" Will anyone comfort my grandmother and dad the way they comforted me? ”

I didn't know how to answer such an innocent question, so I nodded silently at her with a smile on my lips. I like to have nonsensical conversations with my child, as if she is the only angel in my dark life during this time, and can take me to find some light.

After sending Zhuang Jing to kindergarten, she drove to the cemetery on the outskirts of the city alone, and the gloomy sky still kept drizzling, like tears of longing.

When I was 11 years old, my father and Uncle Liu went fishing together, and they were warned to leave the waters, but when they were about to leave, they received a distress signal from a sightseeing yacht. Instead of turning around, the father sent a distress signal via radio, and the fishing boat rushed to the location of the sightseeing yacht to find that the yacht had capsized, and dozens of tourists fell into the water waiting for rescue.

The wind and waves were too big, the fishing boat could not block the wind and waves, but sent the rescue agency the accurate rescue location, after getting the rescue news, nearly seventy percent of the tourists were found and rescued, but they could not save the two people who sent a distress signal.

Walking towards her father's tombstone with flowers and offerings, a somewhat lonely figure stood beside her father's tombstone, and in front of her was Uncle Liu's tombstone.

"Tidal tide?" I whispered to say hello, this is Liu Suxi's nickname, but for some reason I felt unfamiliar and difficult to say at this time.

Liu Suxi turned her head to look at me, her hair was a little scattered, her eyebrows were lonely and cold, and she looked much haggard in the rain. She ignored me with resentment in her eyes, and after a few seconds turned her head back to the familiar tombstone.

I went to my father's tombstone and looked at the rain-soaked stone tablet, my mother should have come to worship the Qingming Festival not long ago, the small altar was cleaned and tidy, and there was no trace of weeds around.

I took out the liquor, unscrewed the lid and took a sip myself, looking at my father's stele and gradually remembering the past.

The wine slid down my throat and into my stomach, and the burning sensation came back again, and the bitterness in my chest made me cough.

Father, Xin Rui, Liu Yi, the most important people in my life have left me, and life will become more and more lonely.

Liu Suxi on the side stood quietly, not squinting and ignoring me.

I gently spilled some wine in front of my father's tombstone, and the aroma of liquor mixed with the smell of rain and earth wafted around, and my thoughts would spread like alcohol.

Liu Suxi stood next to him for a long time and didn't see him leaving, "Xixi, can I see Uncle Liu?" ”

She hesitated, moved a few steps to the side, and gave up the seat of Uncle Liu's altar to me, her movements a little stiff but still not ready to say the first half of a sentence to me.

Uncle Liu and his father are of the same age, in addition to watching them go out to sea to fish together, they can often be seen drinking and playing chess, their relationship is like a side-by-side partner, at that time Liu Yi and I were like brothers, naughty together, beaten together, and then run away together. didn't cause trouble for these two men of the sea.