[Diary of December 25, 2012]

When you are serious and determined, the whole world will make way for you. When the evolution of the self is coupled with a positive and optimistic attitude, then even if the scheming is superficial, it will not make the world feel uncomfortable, because they know more about the balance between self and others, so that putting themselves in the shoes and striving for progress has become a very high education.

This is the time when I need some motivation and sunshine to become stronger and hopeful for tomorrow.

In the early hours of the morning, I vaguely felt that I had been pricked, and when I opened my eyes, I found the back of the nurse leaving, and my blood was drawn for testing. After the tingling disappeared, he fell asleep. The advantage of being in the inpatient department is that all the examinations are booked by the attending doctor, and the examination can be done with the list, and there is no need to wait hard at the examination place, the film will be directly transmitted to the attending doctor's computer, and then someone will send the examination results and diagnostic report. After three days of injections of Baikochi and some drugs to stop bleeding and remove blood stasis, I had to take an MRI in the afternoon, and the number of MRIs should not be too much in a short period of time, but so far, I have done it twice, plus the upcoming one in the afternoon will be three times, which is very frequent. The main thing is to see a clearer and more comprehensive picture result. If the result is that there is no change in the size of the lump, the drug should be stopped and replaced with other treatment options, if it becomes smaller, it means that the medicine has worked, and then the fourth day of injection will have to be performed today.

The doctor told me not to eat or drink at noon, and I took a nap with anxiety, but my mother had not yet arrived, saying that she could only be hospitalized at night, so I went to the hospital alone at the end of the day, and returned to the ward after about half an hour, waiting for the attending doctor to inform me of the results.

At about half-past three, the attending doctor walked in, and I could tell from his expression that it was good news, or that I just wanted to hear good news. At this time, I can clearly know that every minute and every second is a long wait. When he said the results of the blood test and the results of the MRI, and then said that the effect of the medication was good, the lump had disappeared a lot, and it could be concluded that it was a blood lump formed by internal bleeding, I was relieved, but I didn't feel very happy, because the medicine was too expensive, and I didn't know how long it would take to get rid of the lump, and how long it would take to make the coagulation function index closer to the normal level. Putting that aside, it's good news, or the outcome we all want to see. After saying this, the doctor talked about the next treatment. After all the doctors left, the nurse came in and injected me, saying "I heard from the doctor, I have basically been diagnosed, so I have to continue to inject this medicine······ I nodded and simply replied "yes". The nurse, who was two years younger than me, said that she was going to the pharmacy later, and that I hadn't eaten at noon, and said that she would help me go to the cafeteria and bring a bowl of food, which was really too caring, and to be honest, I was so hungry that my chest was pressed against my back.

Even though it was Christmas, I didn't feel any festive spirit at all. Even at school, except for traditional festivals, these foreign festivals never belonged to me, and they were all the same as usual, without any fluctuations.

It was almost eight o'clock in the evening when my mother arrived, and she was late to make soup at home. When I told her about the results of the test, she seemed more excited than me and happier, and said, "Great, I finally know what it is, how to treat it, and you will be discharged from the hospital in a short time". I always think that when I am sick, the most painful thing is that my parents are family members, and I am afraid that something bad will happen, and I have to work day and night to take care of me who is sick, so I usually don't tell them about minor illnesses and pains, so as not to worry them too much. When I was watching TV in the evening, I told my mother that I wanted to be discharged from the hospital and that I wanted to go back to school, and I made a special excuse that I had missed an exam and could not miss it anymore. If there's only one person in the world who knows me best, it's my mom. I don't say a lot of things, she knows it. She said that she went home and deposited 60,000 yuan in my card in the past few days, telling me to relax first, don't think about anything, spend this time well, and when the doctor says that I can be discharged, I will immediately go through the discharge procedures.

Perhaps, now is the real beginning, I also hope that there is such a belief to continue to support myself, I want to leave here as soon as possible, I want to walk on campus, soak up the sun, let the rain and dew get wet.

But at night, when it's quiet and only I am left with myself, I become a little sensitive, and I don't know if it's because I've been in the hospital for too long. It's a very small thing, thinking about it, it starts to magnify infinitely, and then it starts to become irritable and unreasonable, of course, it won't be seen by anyone, it's just the fluctuation of my inner emotions.

Memories of the past are like water in the palm of your hand, whether you hold it tightly or spread it out, and eventually it flows clean. The reality is the waiting that does not know the end, the piercing pain, the numb eyes, the hurried figure, and the helplessness of powerlessness. Longing, because of the constraints of reality, is locked in a small room, and one step or two can hit the wall to the end. Many people say that this moment of life is the most real, but I found that this set of things that happened to me is a negative proposition, why is this moment of my life so illusory? It's like I'm worried about someone accidentally breaking an expensive crystal. All I thought about was unsatisfactory, and I felt that my current life was like the light of the rising sun shining through a dense tree, slamming into the ground, shattered, and I didn't know how to put it together.

Your sudden text message, I don't know how to feel, disappeared for so long and suddenly appeared. During the more than one month I was hospitalized, I sent you two text messages, just asking how you are doing, I miss you and so on, but I didn't get a reply. Is it only by telling you that I'm not doing well and that I'm in the hospital can I get some mercy from you? I didn't. I used to think that your sudden appearance was a surprise, but now I don't feel it at all, I just know my own weight, the weight in your heart. In order to show his generosity as if nothing happened, he just replied a few words, which can be regarded as just a mutual greeting, although I still miss you in my heart, and you are still full.

I think I must be very productive in the future, not just to repay my parents. Although all this in front of me makes me hazy about the future, I have to tell myself now that I have to believe that I must succeed. If I succeed, it doesn't matter if you love me or not, time will heal my wounds, I will live a good life for you, and then I can proudly say to myself "I can live well without you". I'm going to make you jealous of my pleasure, and I'm going to make you regret it. Isn't it stupid that I can paralyze myself in such a funny way at such a moment? I think about "revenge" against you but I'm not happy, if I can, I still hope you love me, I really miss you, you come to me, okay?