In the following days, the mother's state was not as good as day by day. Although I was mentally prepared, when the person in front of me really wanted to disappear all at once, I suddenly felt powerless.

During that time, I felt like I had cerebral palsy, and I always sat by my mother's bedside in a daze. If you want to think about something, it seems that there is nothing yet. Perhaps, it was the father's glance that made the mother's heart calm and she was able to pass that year of life and death.

On the thirtieth day of the Chinese New Year's Eve that year, Wu's mother cooked dumplings at home and brought them to the hospital, and as a result, her father and Cao Cancan came with her. It's a pity that Cao Ge and I ate two of the dumplings and couldn't swallow them. On that day, my mother did not open her eyes again because of the arrival of my father.

After the turn of the year, my mother's state suddenly improved slightly, and the time she was awake became longer and longer, although she still talked nonsense occasionally, but she was able to eat something. I am very happy, Wu's mother is cooking porridge for her at home, although she can only be a little bit, but compared with the previous day, it is also a great improvement.

Until one day, her mother suddenly told Cao Ge that she wanted to sit for a while. So, Cao Ge and I sat with her for about ten minutes. While sitting, my mother suddenly raised her hand and pointed out the window and asked vaguely, "It's still cold?" Cao Ge got closer, and after listening for a long time, he understood: "Sister, yes, it's almost warm, when it's warm, I'll push you out to bask in the sun." My mother struggled to raise her hand and point at me: "Sweater, sweater." "That day, I was wearing a shirt, and my mother told me to wear a sweater so that I don't get frozen.

Cao Ge glanced at me, made a look, and I replied: "Got it." ”

"Sister, Mu Xi said that she knew, knew to wear a sweater, cold, don't catch a cold." Cao Ge gently stroked his mother's back and said slowly.

Mother nodded slightly. After a while: "Lie down." Cao Ge and I helped her lie down again.

After lying down, her mother fell asleep again, until in the afternoon, when Wu's mother came to deliver food, she suddenly woke up and greeted Wu's mother: "Wu's mother, thank you for your hard work." Although my mother's words were still very weak, the clarity was stronger than in the morning. Mother Wu was surprised: "Mother Muxi, are you awake?" You take care of your illness, what do you say is hard or not, if you get good early, you can save me tossing back and forth, and when the time comes, you will teach me the tricks of wrapping the bun in your hometown. ”

The mother smiled hard: "Good! ”

Cao Ge went out to throw out the garbage, and when he came in, he suddenly saw his mother so sober: "Sister! Mother raised her hand, and Cao Ge shook it at once.

"What I told you, do you remember?" Cao Ge nodded: "I remember, I remember everything." "That's good! Listen to me, find a good person, marry yourself, don't, don't wronged yourself. Cao Ge nodded vigorously. I heard Cao Ge's sobs, and I knew she was crying.

At that time, I didn't know what it meant to return to the light, but when I saw Wu's mother also hiding in the corner and crying secretly, I knew that my mother's sudden sobriety was not a good thing. Soon, my mother called me: "Mu Xi." Cao Ge hurriedly pulled me, who was standing behind her, close to my mother, and when she put my mother's hand in my hand, I suddenly realized that I didn't seem to have held hands with my mother like this for several years.

My mother's hand, so thin that only bones remain, held in the palm of her hand, no longer has the scorching feeling when she dragged me on the street of Nanjing to change my household registration. How do you describe that feeling? In short, the magnolia incense and the black cheongsam have been left in the old house forever.

In addition to saying the aforementioned things to me with great difficulty, my mother just said, "You, you have grown taller." This sentence is enough to show that my mother and I seem to have not been close for many years, and this kind of spiritual estrangement evokes this emotion. I really wanted to answer something and say something from my heart, but I just couldn't open my mouth, so I stuck in my heart, and I forgot to cry at that time.

The mother didn't say much, just like the one she said before she was about to close her eyes: "I'm tired, I'm talking too much, I'm tired, I'm going to sleep." With that, the mother closed her eyes. In the quiet ward, we don't know how long my mother didn't breathe after she finished sleeping. It's just that when Wu's mother stepped forward and said that she would help her mother tuck the quilt, she found that her mother had left.

My mother didn't leave suddenly, but when I realized it later, I suddenly felt that something important seemed to be missing in my life and heart. I was standing in the corner of the ward, and I listened to Cao Ge and Wu's mother helping her mother get clothes, while singing "Peach Blossom Nunnery" that my mother had sung: "Nine spring returns to the apricot blossoms, and the wild goose flies to Ziyan'er..."

I staggered over to my mother, crying and shouting, "Mom! ”

For four whole years, this word has been hidden in my heart, and when I really shouted it, the people who listened to it were already nine heavens away.

Cao Ge said that her mother asked her to tell me after she died: "Regarding her life experience, it's okay to hate her, but don't get along with yourself." ”

It was this sentence that made me full of remorse for my words and deeds, and blamed myself for the rest of my life.

Why? It turned out that my little "secret" was known to my mother all along.

Perhaps it is the relationship between my own relatives that always deceives himself when facing the coming of death, and the feeling of death is always an afterthought. It seems that the death of her mother made Cao Cancan also think of Aunt Qin, and she cried no less than me.

On the day I said goodbye to my mother, I said that I would not let the girl kneel to send me, but I still stubbornly knelt alone for more than an hour. I know that man is gone, and repentance to heaven and earth cannot redeem the sins of souls, but I don't know what I should do or what to do.

For a long time after my mother was gone, I still felt like she was still there. It may be because there is always a spatial distance, and I will feel that my mother is in the old house, my mother is in the house rented by the Cao family, my mother is in the hospital, and so on.

But one day, when Cao Ge's mouth no longer mentions "sister", and Xue Hao's mouth no longer mentions "Rong Jiaoer", I know that my mother has entered the past.

And what is the past?

It is the tender branches of the sycamore outside the window last spring;

It was the sycamore outside the window that had green leaves last summer;

It was the red sky of the autumn of the previous year outside the sycamore;

It is the shriveled cold of the sycamore outside the window the winter before last.

The past is not unbearable, it is you looking back, but it is unbearable to see, taste, and speak.

I don't have any souvenirs other than the necklace. I sometimes look at it and look at the precious images engraved on it, left by my mother.

Mother, have you ever been here? In my turbulent years.

Did you wear a pair of rain boots? Or barefoot passing?

Why can't I find your footprints?

That's evidence that you've been here.

I tried hard, over the mountains, over the meadows,

I've smelled flowers all over the world, but I can't smell the fragrance of your magnolia.

I looked down on a lonely night,

It turns out that you have always been in my heart,

From, never departed.

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