I never expected my mother to give me guidance in my dreams, or to teach me how to free myself from pain, because I knew my mother too well. However, even so, whenever I am sad and painful, the presence of my mother, even if it is just a short moment or a momentary image, always gives me some peace of mind.

The plane tree in my dream was not the one I had outside the window of Cao's house, but the big tree standing at the mouth of the alley of the old house.

The sycamore, with the passage of time, has become senile. So I realized that it wasn't just the faces of the familiar people that you remembered that dissipated with time. However, all the glamorous things in your life will be changed by the vicissitudes of life, including the mottled bits and pieces of your memory, which will make you suddenly wake up when you want to recall something at the end, it turns out that what you have been forcing yourself to try to remember, all at once you forget everything.

Mother is like that.

During that time, I looked at these mediocre people passing in front of me, but the reason why they finally left was because time made each other strange and hazy.

I sat on the windowsill of the house and looked out the window.

I'm thinking that sometimes it's a good thing to not be able to remember, and that feeling makes you feel like life is closer to reality. It's like reaching out and touching the flesh and blood that has vividly jumped in the depths of your soul, and only to find that everything is just a moon in the water.

Arauy came to see me often, and later she said that she was so afraid that I would die in that house. When she said this, she had already come out of the pain, so she smiled indifferently and patted her on the shoulder: "If God makes people die so easily, people live, how can there be such troubles?" ”

After getting out of the pain, he soon started the next relationship. And this relationship is also in quotation marks. This person was nothing more than a person who had been by my side in the middle and late stages of my grief and pain after hearing about my tragic experience. I don't have any feelings for him, if you ask me why I'm still together without feelings, maybe, I can't rely on money, just rely on people, maybe.

And this person is different from A. I later defined him as like Li Kai. It's the kind of love concept that what you can't get is good, and what you get is garbage.

In my third month with him, I unexpectedly found out that I was pregnant again. At that time, he excitedly held up the pregnancy test stick and sent a message to Arauy as soon as possible. I was so excited in the bathroom that I cried. For this, I thank God for this great gift.

I told all my friends and relatives who cared about me the good news, and the voices of blessings came one after another.

And when I proposed marriage to him, he began to refuse on various grounds. But, for me, between children and marriage, I chose the former. I was very careful with this baby, and I didn't even leave the house to avoid catching a cold like last time.

However, in the world, maybe people's lives have their own fixed numbers in the dark.

When she was 8 months pregnant, she was suddenly not heard from. I didn't cry, I didn't make trouble, I didn't go to him, I stroked my stomach and stood on the carpet in the living room and looked out the window.

I told myself, it's nothing, I Cao Muxi can handle it, at least, I still have children.

It's just that the second week after he left, when I was taking a shower at home, I suddenly slipped on the soles of my feet and fell. Even if the child is a month old, but with excessive blood loss and other external factors, the child is still not saved.

That year, I was 33 years old.

The death of my second son plunged my entire life into silence. And this time, I barely cried, I just felt that the world was so quiet.

If it weren't for the Cao family's troubles at that time, presumably, Cao Ge and my father would have rushed over to bring me back to China.

That time, I saw life a little more openly. After a while in the hospital, I went home.

When I close my eyes, I still dream of my mother. In my dreams, my mother told me more than once that she hoped that I could live happily, easily, and simply. She said she wanted me to live more like a normal person.

As for this remark about normal people, I gave my mother a refutation in my dream. What does it mean to be normal? What are the standards of a normal person? It's you? Or Aunt Qin? Is it Zhang Jing? Or Ziyunfei? Which one of you is it?

As soon as I said this, my mother, who was standing under the plane tree, lowered her head and did not lift it up for a long time. I knew that my questions were so sharp that my mother, who was already timid and timid, suddenly became frightened when she answered my aggressive questions.

I guess the subtext in my mother's heart should be that she never thought that the daughter who used to be under the fence still doesn't understand after experiencing such a big life change at this moment? Mediocrity is the most ordinary and down-to-earth life normal for a person.

It's not that I don't know the meaning of mediocrity, my mother once said that the so-called mediocrity is the impermanence of the mediocre world, and the mediocre world is safe. You can have pursuits, but you can have a degree, you can have dreams, but you must judge the situation and appropriately relax the requirements for this world.

It's just that there are too many things in life to grow and find that, and age is a springboard. You will only understand the truth when you look back at the past after you have walked a part of the road yourself.

In this world, God never favors anyone, and everyone's growth is based on pain and helplessness, and then they slowly see hope and sunshine.

The death of my two children has made me a little numb to life. I am still the Cao Muxi in the eyes of everyone, although I am ashamed and regretful for what I did, but I am still a maverick.

I still feel that God is not beautiful, and that is why God owes me an explanation of humanity.

Only now do I realize that God is a very naughty man, and he doesn't like people to play games with him and negotiate conditions, and he doesn't like people chasing after his ass to ask for answers. His so-called answers are all in the fault line of time, and they can only be revealed when they go over.

When I was about to regain my strength and face the world again, I was asked by the doctor to do a full body examination during the routine follow-up after the miscarriage. As a result, a tumor was found in the stomach that needed to be removed to be safe.

I was very calm, and without the pretext of traveling to another city for surgery, I went to another city for surgery under the pretext of traveling.

After waking up from surgery, I felt alive again.

When a friend helped me write this paragraph, he asked me, "Why don't you focus on the grief of the death of your second child?" I was standing by the railing by the river and looked back at her: "What to write?" Write that I want to die or live, and finally come back to life? Or write about how pathetic my life is? In the end, do you still have to work hard to live? People have different feelings about things and people at different ages. At the age of 33, I must have more to say about the world, but I don't have the spirit to ask for explanations. My life is a mess. After going through the years, I am sober, I want to live well for all the people in this world who love me, in order to let those mediocre people know that I am moving closer to them, and I have forgotten hatred. ”

During my hospitalization, I kept sending photos of Cao Ge and Arauy from time to time, and those photos were taken before the surgery. In the photo, I am smiling very brightly. While recovering from my hospital bed, I sometimes laughed when I looked at myself in the photo.

What did time give to the woman in the photo? And what did she give back to those hurried mediocrities in her life? Although it is not an equivalent exchange between people, I think that what I have done has been insulated from the four words that should be taken for granted since then. I owe a good word to those mediocre people, and before I was 33 years old, I basically had already drawn an end.

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