The arrival of Liu Zhen made me fall into the contemplation of life. I felt like I was back on the horizon when I saw her.

Arauy and I have been taking turns taking care of the kids. After I tried to adjust my mentality and tell myself that there are no hurdles in life that I can't get over, I suddenly received a big gift from God - an accident.

About half a month after Liu Zhen came to the hospital to see the child, the child was sent to the emergency room due to an emergency. What I thought was a "regular exercise" has become this farewell drama of mother-son affection.

Standing outside the door of the operating room that day, when I saw the doctor shaking his head helplessly, I rushed forward and pulled the doctor's sleeve and kept asking, "What do you mean by shaking your head?" (What does it mean to shake your head?) ）What do you mean by shaking your head？ My voice was louder than loud. Arauy pulled me behind me, crying and shouting at me: "Mu Xi, Mu Xi! Erank (son's name) is gone, cheer up! ”

I turned around and looked at Arauy in front of me in horror: "Gone? Did you go? Where did you go? He, the ball he liked, was still in the ward. I'll get it! Arauy cried and grabbed me, got up and hugged me: "Mu Xi! Erank: He's going to have more and better toys, and he's not coming back! ”

At that moment, the mobile phone and bag in my hand all fell to the ground due to the lack of physical strength. The sound that echoed through the empty hallway made me feel like my soul had been drained.

For a long time in the future, I didn't dare to remember that past, and I was even so afraid that someone would shake their heads in front of me, and that feeling was like telling me that there was nothing I could do.

Sometimes, what does the word powerless represent? It represents resignation. It's a pity that in our lives, if it is a trivial matter, it is just a matter of accepting fate, and everything related to life and death is full of heavy sorrow and sorrow. You feel like you have anger and resentment in your heart, but you don't know who to send it to. Do you want to blame God? But he found that he didn't even have the courage to complain about him.

I can't believe that the little kid who had been playing with me in the morning suddenly said goodbye to me. This pain of separation of flesh and blood, perhaps, only those who have experienced it will truly understand.

In short, during that time, I often knelt alone on the floor of my home, and I kept praying that God could exchange my life and money for the important people in my life! It's just meaningless talk.

Liu Zhen still has the child's video messages in her mobile phone, but I never dare to look at it, and Liu Zhen occasionally secretly takes it out to take a look.

Later, after returning to Nanjing, I suddenly stood at the door of Liu Zhen's bedroom when I was watching a video, and Liu Zhen was so frightened that she threw away her mobile phone. And I just leaned against the door and smiled faintly: "It's okay." I just came over and listened to the sound. ”

News of the child's death spread. So, Cao Ge and his father came to Toronto for the second time. When I saw Cao Ge, I burst into tears instantly, and I cried on her shoulder for a long, long time. I think Cao Ge should empathize with this kind of pain of mine. After all, she had this kind of pain of losing a child. Cao Ge didn't persuade me, nor did he comfort him, just let me cry hysterically until I was tired of crying. Maybe she knows that this method, for me, works best. And the rest, useless.

I don't know if Jiang Shanshan in that madhouse knows my situation at this moment. If she knew, she would have laughed right now.

Some people may say that helping others is voluntary. It's affection to help, and there's nothing wrong with not helping. After all, everyone in this world is an individual, and no one has the responsibility or obligation to help another person. However, there is a certain degree of division between the hierarchy of sorrow and sorrow. For example, like Jiang Shanshan who stood in the rain and knelt in front of me, I help or not, which is followed by the rewriting of the fate of one person or even many people. And I have the conditions to help her, and if I choose not to help, it is no different from killing someone.

Anyway, I'm a classmate with Jiang Shanshan. The two of us are not unrelated. That woman grew up with me all the way in my youth, and what I did, in my opinion, has risen directly to the embodiment of a person's conscience, and what I lost at that time was the most basic sense of trust.

My father had been standing beside me without speaking, but I could see that his eyes were red. I don't know if my father was lamenting the tragedy of my fate, or if it hurt him because I had just lost my child, or if my father suddenly thought of who he was because of what happened to me. There is no way to verify this, and there is no way to study it.

Cao Ge stayed with me for a few days and made sure that I was emotionally stable before deciding to return to China with my father.

Before leaving, Cao Ge took my hand and said meaningfully, "Mu Xi, come back with me." ”

However, I once again refused her on the pretext of spending some time with my deceased child. In this regard, Cao Ge said that he could understand. In this way, she and her father hurriedly stepped on the plane back to China.

And the so-called companionship in my mouth is actually washing my face with tears every day. The final result of crying is that I can't cry anymore and I have no strength. I found that even if I cried to death, I was powerless to change the facts. Although the loss of my child was very painful in my heart, I eventually lost to fate.

A came once after knowing that the child had passed away. That time, I thought it was sympathy, sentimentality, and empathy for everything. But as a result, he did have sympathy, but only in terms of money. He sat on the couch in the hall that day, barely saying anything. Before leaving, he threw me a bank card and told me to do it myself.

I didn't recover for a moment. Shape up or ship out? What does it mean to do a good job of doing oneself?

I cried and threw that card behind him and cried and told him I didn't want money and I could not want anything now. A walked to the door and stopped, he straightened up and took a deep breath: "I know. But what you want, I can't give it. "I turned around and left, and as soon as I did, I was completely gone from my life.

I sat alone on the ground, looking at the card in front of me with teary eyes, remembering what he had just said: "I can't give you what you want." ”

What a familiar phrase? It's like my father. What he said when he gave me money was the same, and the two were the same.

It's just that the death of the child made me understand a truth, compared to anything that is blessed with emotion, money, is the coldest and most bloodless existence. If you put money in space, then it is a piece of paper. Yes, while the colorful paper did give me a great sense of security, it was only on the surface of the sloppy skin. And when a person's prosperity fades, you will find that your heart is still extremely empty. This emptiness is the emptiness brought about by the evolution of emotions.

I smiled wryly and said to myself, "What are you doing with so much money for me now?" What else do I want this money for? ”

I showed my glamorous appearance to others, and when I heard that compliment, it was nothing compared to the laughter from the bottom of my heart.

People are the most affectionate animals, and in the process of growing up, you will see through others at the same time, but also see through your own cold-bloodedness, that kind of cruelty, will subvert your cognition.

I often see a lot of familiar faces in my memories. For example, Aunt Qin, mother, Zhang Jing, grandma or Ziyunfei. I sometimes see Cao Qi, Kan Tao, Song Zitian, Uncle Yumu, Li Kai and even Zhao Song. They are like a movie in my life, scene by scene passing before my eyes. I looked at the intertwining of emotions between myself and the rest of them, looked down at my current situation, and smiled helplessly.

During the period of time when the child died, I had three consecutive dreams about my mother. The mother in the dream is no different from before, she is still the same submissive look, and she still has the torn apron tied around her waist. I found that even though my mother had passed away for a long time, she still hadn't made much progress in persuading people. My mother stood under the plane tree like that, and it took a lot of effort to tell me not to be sad. Just four words, and other than that, she didn't seem to be able to say anything.

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