This is not the first time Sanping has let him not have to go over. In fact, Yu Yun could feel the attitude of others towards him very clearly.

Sanpei resisted having someone with her at first, no matter who accompanied her. She was afraid of being questioned, cared for, and looked at like a monster. She knew that she was not a normal person, but she still didn't want to know this fact from the eyes of others.

But even so, Yu Yun still resisted Sanping's resistance and insisted on going to the hospital every day to accompany her for a while. Yu Yun knew in her heart that if she could really be self-disciplined enough to figure out a lot of things on her own, she wouldn't have to be hospitalized. It is precisely because she resists companionship, but she is often drilling the horns of the bull by herself, that she needs to be accompanied even more.

Accompanying doesn't mean you have to chatter. Yu Yun had seen that Lu Yi had pulled Sanping to talk all night, and Sanping was exhausted that night. When Lu Yi wanted to go to the hospital again the next day, Yu Yun stopped him without saying a word.

Yu Yun thinks that he is the best person to accompany Sanping. He is not interested in Sanping's previous affairs, he knows that Yonghe has passed away, and he also knows Sanping's parents' attitude towards Sanping, and he knows that Sanping doesn't really like the violin, and even knows that Sanping is still confused about whether he really likes to write.

But all this is also limited to knowing that he does not intend to interfere. He just wants to do his best to accompany Sanping and help Sanping get out of the quagmire.

Seeing that Sanping was getting more and more accustomed to his company, just as he was about to breathe a sigh of relief, Sanping asked him to stop accompanying him with an attitude he had never seen before.

This is different from Sanping's previous attitude of helplessness and tacit approval. Although Yu Yun didn't plan to really listen to Sanping's words and no longer go to the hospital to accompany her, he still set aside time and space for Sanping to really be alone. He knew that what Sanping had been hiding would soon be told by Sanping himself. Even though the person she confided in—more likely, Dr. Hu than him—Yu Yun felt glad that she was finally willing to speak.

If she is willing to say it, it is equivalent to her admitting.

For so long, what bothered Sanping was not actually the pain that happened to her, but the pain that she never wanted to admit.

There is no doubt that Sanping is cowardly and weak, but apart from Sanping, are they, who are considered normal "normal people", extremely strong?

No one is complete. Walking in the world, everyone's soul map always has a missing corner. It's just that some people are still good at disguise, not like those who finally fall apart.

Yu Yun wanted to collapse once. It's just that everyone has everyone's fears, like Sanping, Sanping's fear is the fact of facing pain. As for him, the one who is afraid is the out-of-control self.

He knows what it looks like when he's out of control. To be precise, it was through the horrified eyes of his parents that he saw his out-of-control self - manic, irritable, like an anxious lion. He was also deeply hurt by his parents' cautious, treadling on thin ice, and he didn't want to hurt anyone, especially his family. At first, he didn't want his family to be disappointed in him, but when it was time to study, in addition to his family's feelings, he began to care about the evaluation of him by people in school. In the end, there were more and more people he had to worry about, and the frosty mask on his face became more and more difficult to remove. He had become one with the mask, and only occasionally, the anxious lion in his heart would tentatively come out and roar, but he pressed back.

He was very envious of Sanping.

Sanping didn't actually notice Yu Yun's thoughts. Just like Xiao Fei thinks, she still has any empathy ability now.

She just hallucinated again—it was Yu Yun who walked in, but she saw Yonghe's face.

In fact, she really had long forgotten what Yonghe looked like. At first, she could tell that it was Yu Yun standing in front of her, but after a while, Yu Yun's face turned into a cloud. Even though her facial features were blurred, she decided that the man in front of her was Yonghe.

Breath – yes, breath. She felt the breath of eternal peace—a mournful one that unsettled her.

She was afraid of such a Yonghe—she was afraid of the Yonghe that haunted her heart, and she was also afraid of the Yonghe in her memories.

Dr. Hu once asked her why she wanted to dispose of all the relics of Yonghe, and why she wanted to clean up all the traces of Yonghe's past life - for fear that seeing things and thinking about people was one thing, but on the other hand, when she saw something about Yonghe, she seemed to see Yonghe appear in front of her, questioning her with a sullen face, and accusing her.

She knows everything, knows everything, forgets nothing, but she doesn't want to admit anything.

When Yu Yun's appearance coincided with Yonghe's appearance, she felt fear again.

Every time she thought she was almost better, there were always visions coming up from the bottom of the bottomless lake.

But she really wants to get better, and she really wants to take care of others like a normal person - to take care of Xiao Fei.

Without Xiao Fei's consent, she brought him to her side. Xiao Fei's true thoughts and attitudes, she didn't know anything. After Xiao Fei went to college, she didn't know how to adapt or not, whether she was happy or not, and what it felt like. Every day of treatment was boring and laborious, and she could only see her own pain beneath her feet, unable to get rid of it.

She didn't want to go on like this—was she really going to do it for the rest of her life?

Sanping walked to Dr. Hu's office. Without knocking, she opened the door and walked in. She knew Dr. Hu was inside.

Sure enough, Dr. Hu was sitting at his desk tapping on his computer. When he heard the movement, he raised his head and saw that it was Sanping, and the surprise on his face flashed, followed by a look of understanding.

When she started asking for help, it meant that she was one step closer to the life she wanted.

After Dr. Hu asked Sanping to sit down on the sofa, he turned around and pulled a chair for himself and sat opposite Sanping. Although Sanping still looked uncertain, Dr. Hu couldn't help but get excited.

This is the first time that Sanping has taken the initiative to come to him during a time when he is not consulting.

"I'm hallucinating again." Sanping got straight to the point, in fact, she was very eager, "This time I treat Yu Yun as Yonghe." I don't want this, Yu Yun and Yonghe are two people, I don't want to mix the two of them together. ”

"There's no rush, let's take our time. You take a deep breath first. Dr. Hu said, "You fainted after the last hallucination. Did you faint this time? ”

Seeing Sanping shaking his head, Dr. Hu asked again, "Then how long did this hallucination last?" ”

"It didn't take long." Sanping replied, "Not long after the hallucinations appeared, I let Yu Yun go. I'm scared I'm going to get out of control in front of Yu Yun. ”

"You said that you regarded Yu Yun as Yonghe, but you were afraid of losing control in front of Yu Yun, that is to say, you were afraid of losing control in front of Yonghe......" Dr. Hu did not shy away from it, "Does this also mean that your relationship with Yonghe is not as good as what you have always said?" ”

After listening to Dr. Hu's questioning, Sanping closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. She knew that she was in a very bad state now, she was tired, her eyelids were very heavy, but she still pulled herself together, "No. Yonghe has always been good to me, it's just that I'm not good to him. ”

She opened her eyes, and instead of looking at Dr. Hu, she stared at the floor, and said in a mechanical tone, "I made it impossible for him to live." ”

"What happened?" Dr. Hu asked softly.

After a long time, just when Dr. Hu thought that time had stood still, Sanping withdrew her sloppy gaze, and she looked at Dr. Hu weakly, "I can't lie anymore." If this continues, I'll die. ”

Yonghe didn't go home today. Sanpei stood in the hallway, looking at the closed doorway, his footsteps as if they were nailed to the floor.

It wasn't until her legs began to ache and go numb that she came to her senses. It's already dark, so it looks like it's eight o'clock, or nine o'clock? She waited from six o'clock, and until now, she hadn't waited for Yonghe to come home, let alone a phone call or a message from him.

Sanping walked back to the living room and turned on a small light. This lamp was bought by Yonghe for her, there is no decoration, just a simple floor lamp, as soon as it is turned on, the warm yellow light immediately illuminates the entire living room. Sanping sat on the sofa next to the lamp, took out his mobile phone, and dialed Yonghe's number.

The phone rang, and her heart jumped up.

"Sanping, what's wrong?" Yonghe's voice was still so gentle, Sanping wanted to cry a little, "Are you home?" ”

There was silence on the other side of the phone for a long time, and then Sanping heard Yonghe sigh softly, "Didn't I already say it...... I feel like we should all calm down and it's all good for us to be separated. ”

"What's good? Good thing for whom? Sanping is not a master of messing around, so at this moment, her argument has no confidence at all. She took a deep breath, calmed down, and then changed to another soft tone, "Yonghe, don't make trouble." Is it okay to go home? I really...... I really can't live without you. ”

"Sanping, calm down." Yonghe's voice was still gentle, but Sanping felt extremely cold, "I already gave you the divorce agreement last month, and if you sign it, we will all be liberated." Yonghe paused and continued, "Why bother? I mean, tormenting each other like this is really not what we wanted to see when we first fell in love. ”

"I didn't torture you." Sanping said anxiously, "I love you!" ”

Yonghe laughed lightly, this time, full of helplessness, with a hint of ridicule, "I love you too, or so to speak, I have never given up loving you." But the first person to give up love is you, Sanping. ”

Sanping's body began to tremble uncontrollably, and she repeatedly asked why, refusing to put down the phone.

"Love isn't like this, Sanping, do you understand? Love is not like this, loving someone is not just about eating three meals a day, not sleeping in the same bed, not about a marriage certificate, not about a house - love has nothing to do with these things! The more Yonghe talked, the more excited he became, and Sanping could barely hold the phone.

Sanping choked up, "What the hell are you talking about?" Sanping asked with a crying voice, "Why can't I understand what you said tonight?" ”

"What kind of love do you want?!" Sanping cried into the phone, she couldn't control herself, she only knew that the tears kept flowing, non-stop. Her palms were cold, but she was sweating slightly. She couldn't figure out what the situation was like.

"It's not the love I want, it's the kind of love that both of us need. I've always wanted you to be on your own, on your own, not like you are now. Can't I really do without you? No, you are still yourself without me, you can't say that without me, you are not Yi Sanping. I have never given up loving you, and I want you to be better, more independent, and more confident, rather than asking you to be morbidly dependent on my love all the time. Love should be able to nourish you, not make you more ...... Even more unenterprising. Do you understand? ”

Yonghe sighed, "But you gave up love first, you gave up loving yourself, and you gave up on me." I...... I'm also tired. I want to end it all. ”

Sanping cried into the phone for a long time, and Yonghe couldn't bear to hang up directly, so he could only hold the phone and keep talking to her, coaxing her like this. Sanping was tired of crying, and gradually lost his voice. Yonghe tentatively "hey", there was a slight movement on the other side of the phone, and then Sanping's voice came, "I'll sign it tonight, and I'll bring it to you tomorrow." Tomorrow at noon, wait at the café where we often date, is it okay? ”

Yonghe breathed a sigh of relief for the time being.