I thought I was no longer tired when I picked up the wine glass, I thought I would no longer be sad when I put away my tears, I was drunk, but my body was anesthetized, and my heart was broken, but I became more and more sober who I am, since you left, drunk or not drunk are the same, walking or not walking are hesitant, but the morning sun, shining on my bloody face, feels still different, like a wound in my heart, but you touch my hand - Zhang Mian "Drunk and not drunk".

On Saturday, after Zhang Mian woke up in the morning, he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face, he was startled by himself in the mirror, who was the middle-aged uncle with a scruffy beard in the mirror, he made a few grimaces in front of the mirror that only he could make, and finally reluctantly admitted that the uncle was himself.

The years are unforgiving, and now it seems that the years have not only not forgiven Zhang Mian, but have been abusing him. He really realized that he was thirty-six years old, and he couldn't lie to himself anymore, he didn't understand why he was suddenly thirty-six years old, and the truth made him depressed for a while.

He tried to remember how he grew up all the way to the age of thirty-six, but the world of memories was like a fragment competing and colliding with another fragment, unable to be connected into a whole, always a mess, and he found that there were a large number of breaks and rifts in the process of passing the time in his memory.

He can recall many things in elementary school, middle school, college, and work, but these things have intersections and fractures in between, and they are not a complete appearance, just like a pile of dismembered pork, no matter how you put it together, it can't be restored to the appearance of a live jumping pig.

Perhaps in the process of growing up, the brain will selectively forget some things that they do not want to recall or touch, which is very likely to be a kind of protection for themselves, but this is also easy to cause memory loss and misalignment.

Life is really short, and memories can't allow us to be too sad.

People who don't have the same experience as Zhang Mian can't understand his sadness, and he forgets why he is so sad.

Zhang Mian felt that it seemed that he had just woken up, and he had become middle-aged, in addition to being old, he also had a wife named Sun Li, neither of which was good news for him. When I was in junior high school, I learned an English sentence: Nonewsisgoodnews. The meaning is that unless you are a fool, why should you get the news, the message is a burden.

After brushing her teeth, Zhang Mian went to knock on Sun Li's bedroom door, and the current situation is that Zhang Mian sleeps in the master bedroom and Sun Li sleeps in the second bedroom. Sun Li said that the second bedroom gathers qi, so she is often angry, she is constipated when she is angry, and the toilet has been replaced by three, I warned myself not to make her angry for the sake of the toilet.

How can I say that their relationship now is much worse than friends and a little better than enemies.

"Sun Li?" He asked very seriously in front of the door, even a little nervous.

He really hoped that no one in the room answered, and then he pushed the door into the room, and found a small note left by Sun Li pressed on the desk with his tiger handle brass paperweight, which sincerely read: Don't look for me, never see me again in this life. Ten gilded small letters, shining brightly, shone on Zhang's haggard face, ironing out the wrinkles on his face.

At this time, Zhang Mian will not hesitate to open the curtains, open the window to the extreme, cry loudly, can't cry out thinking about his grandmother who has been dead for ten years, a loud community can hear his despair like a cuckoo crying blood, if there are enthusiastic people come in to dissuade, he also plans to faint a few times when crying, watching them scatter and flee in panic, temporarily calm down the sad mood.

When he was tired of crying, he cut all the unused ginger of Sun Li into slices and pasted it directly on the eyelids of his eyes, turning himself into a rabbit, so that no matter where he went, people would find the sadness of a man who was abandoned by a woman from the inside out.

God loves the world, and Zhang Mu loves rabbits.

After a period of time, several main aunts of the community square dance team, after dancing, they didn't care about wiping their sweat and got together, and said in a sharp voice that there was a man in Building 2 whose wife ran away, and the crying old infiltrated people, and my grandson had hysteria after listening to it for a few nights, and there was no way to trouble him. Then they shook their heads and sighed together, and after a few minutes they had changed their clothes, and they went home to watch TV with a smile.

After "dry hemp" confirmed that it was Sun Li, Zhang Mian was inexplicably disappointed and sad.

"It's okay," Zhang said slowly. What can be the matter, every time Zhang Mian comes home from work, after washing, Zhang Mian listens to suspense horror novels in his bedroom, and a while ago caught up with the Dragonfly FM recharge discount, full 300 get 100, Zhang Mian rushed to fifty without hesitation. Sun Li studied the Bible in her room, systematically summarized her knowledge, and learned to sing hymns when she was tired of watching.

"Neurotic" Sun Li's annoyed voice came to Zhang Xuan's ears through the door, making his mind buzz. Sometimes Zhang Mian also feels that he really has a mental problem, otherwise why would he marry her. But Zhang Mian never regretted it, because regret was useless.

Zhang Mian walked to the living room and simply packed up his things and prepared to go home to see his parents, he bought two handfuls of bananas at the gate of the community, and there was nothing else to buy, because his parents' teeth were almost lost, and after buying fruit, Zhang Mian took a taxi on the side of the road and went out of Shannan.

Last year, Sun Li didn't go home with Zhang Mian for the New Year, Zhang Mian politely asked her if she would go back, Sun Li glanced at Zhang Mian, probably despising Zhang Mian's IQ. In fact, she knew very well in her heart, Zhang Mian's parents wished that he would divorce her as soon as possible, so that they could hold their grandson in their lifetime, they didn't need Sun Li at all now, she couldn't bring any hope to the Zhang family, they could tolerate poverty, but they couldn't tolerate despair.

Sun Li needs God, and Zhang Mian's parents only need their grandchildren.

In the year that Sun Li didn't go home, Zhang Mian's parents never mentioned why Sun Li didn't come, it should be their expectation that she didn't come, it was not normal to come, they didn't want her to come, in addition to blocking them and making jokes to the neighbors, the latter was more harmful to them than the former.

From the gate of the gas company in H city, Zhang Mian took a bus directly to his hometown, and it took about an hour and a half from the gas company to Zhangjia Village, Zhang Mian's hometown.

The July sun shone on his face from the car window, making people feel extremely lazy, and as the vehicle moved, Zhang Mian quickly entered a trance.

Every time Zhang Lu takes the car, he tries to choose the position by the window. In this way, he can see the people, trees, buildings and livestock outside the window, so that he does not feel lonely, he looks at the scenery outside the window with a blank face, so that the scenery waves goodbye to him like a friend, he can also take it for granted that he is very good outside, there are many friends, and the parents must be happy when they return home, and the children are out of breath, which can bring them satisfaction and happiness more than their own income.

As the car moved, there was a period of time, outside the retreating scenery, between the untouchable past, it was just right, and he couldn't tell where he was, couldn't tell the present and the future, couldn't tell the difference between happiness and pain, this was a kind of comfort and happiness after waking up after being drunk.

He needs a journey to release his squeezed memories or whitewash some painful pasts, so that even if he recalls them later, even if they are bitter, they will have the fragrance of whitewashing. Memories can sometimes be really false, especially when you are determined to deceive yourself. During the journey, an occasional song played in the car may touch a piece of the past, and the vivid memories are instantly salvaged, shining in the sun, making people untouched and making people cry.

Zhang Mian clearly remembers the summer when he broke up with his first love, a girl named Yanzi, when he took the bus from Fengcheng to Zhangjia Village, he sat in the last row of the car by the window, he failed the college entrance examination that year, and at the same time lost love without suspense. In the car, Xiao Gang's "My Heart is Too Messy" was played, he covered his eyes tightly to prevent others from seeing him crying, and he curled up to prevent others from discovering that he was trembling.

In this way, he listened to the song all the way and cried all the way. Zhang Mian was nineteen years old that year, such a fragile age.

When Zhang Mian woke up, the car just drove on the Yuanpan Road in Fengcheng, the southeast corner of the Yuanpan Road is a very small park, 19-year-old Zhang Mian and the swallows at that time called her "Bridge Park", in fact, it is a big pond, a lot of willows and peach trees are planted around the pond, a small stone bench is built between the willows, a little bit of Yangzhou Slender West Lake three steps, one peach, five steps and one willow taste, there are two self-help pedal boats in the pond, and now the boat has been dilapidated and abandoned by the pond.

When I woke up and didn't know that I was a guest, my memories of the swallow came flooding back.