It's a chapter that shouldn't have been, and it's a scar inside me that I never want to be touched. This absurd day had nothing to do with Meilu, but it finally buried the foreshadowing of the tragedy of my relationship with Yahan.

Xiaoqin is one of the many readers who have followed this book, and if it weren't for the tingling sensation that kept my nerves down when I had learned her story a few days ago, I would still have hesitated to reveal this period of my most absurd years. But I think that if I can finally come out, it will also inspire more people to start a new life, including Xiaoqin.

Xiao Ying's marriage in 1999 was an unusually heavy blow to me, the world that had been holding on for 12 years collapsed, but a new one has not yet been established. Decadent for more than half a year, during this period I got acquainted with Henan. He Nan is eight years old Chinese New Year's Eve, beautiful, noble and elegant, although he is middle-aged, he is still in his prime. Before the divorce, she was the daughter-in-law of the secretary of the municipal party committee of a famous city in China, and she was also a well-known strongman in the industry. Maybe if you want to forget one pain, you have to replace it with another, and the appearance of Herman slowly began to nourish my wounded heart.

After the divorce, He Nan gradually lost his protective umbrella, and in this patriarchal world, women, especially beautiful women, are always so vulnerable to men. On that stormy night in the middle of summer 1999, in the most painful moment of her life, I finally entered her world.

The sweetness at first is indescribable, as if the world is full of spring, and I have found true love again. Unfortunately, the good times didn't last long, and two months later, I suddenly realized that I was not the only one in Hernan's world, and then I found out more, and my love for Herman fell into the infernal hell from then on. Zhang Yu is Henan's other important lover besides me, they started earlier, and they have been indifferent to each other for a long time at the most painful moment in Henan's life.

Later, they slowly resumed their relationship, although it was still awkward. Every time I was with He Nan, Zhang Yu suddenly ran over, and I had to hide on the balcony. In the freezing cold of December in the north, I hid for hours, and the feeling of being eaten by ants still makes me unforgettable. If you love someone, you will often be willing to give everything you have, even your personality and dignity, for it. I became an on-call follower, struggling countless times between this humble love and hate, and again and again disappointed and rekindled a new spark.

He Nan once seriously considered going away with me, to a place where no one knew us, to have a child for me, and to live quietly together...... She once told me that I was the man she loved most in her life, and that I was almost flawless except that I had no money. But the huge gap in public opinion and age finally made her choose to escape, and she corresponded with Zhang Yu and other successful men more and more frequently. She told me very sincerely that she loved every man. Yes, no man is perfect, but all of them come together to make a perfect man for her.

Later, I learned about her story, especially the experience after her divorce, which was quite similar to Xiaoqin later, and I sympathized with her, pitied her, and took care of her more carefully. He Nan's ex-husband was still silently in love with He Nan at that time. He came to me, and we talked for a long time, and finally he took my hand very reassuringly, and asked me to take good care of Henan's future for him. Later, he really did a lot of work in front of He Nan, but He Nan was still worried, she just wanted me and her to be together forever, just like Yahan later. As Henan's underground lover, he can't show his head, he doesn't have a minimum of dignity, just like an underground rat, he can only go out at night, and such days have been tormented for three years.

Slowly, He Nan discovered Zhang Yu's secret, it turned out that Zhang Yu had already married a new love, so he and He Nan were about to leave. He Nan managed to get the phone number of Zhang Yu's new love Sun Lu, so finding out the details of Sun Lu and Sun Lu and Zhang Yu became He Nan's best weapon to fight Zhang Yu. He Nan finally gave me the phone.

Sun Lu was the only girl I had deliberately seduced in my life, and she was a reporter for a famous newspaper in Tianjin, three years older than me. As Zhang Yu's other lover, Sun Lu also fell into endless pain, in fact, we are very sympathetic. After the first phone call, I quickly gained Sun Lu's trust in the name of psychological counseling; On the second meeting, Sun Lu fell in love with me in pain. Since then, the secrets of Sun Lu and Zhang Yu have been passed on to He Nan through me, and this plot is quite similar to the later TV series "Latent". I love Heron deeply, but I mess with Sun Lu all day long, which makes my love for Herman suffer. At that time, He Nan told me that as long as he was still with Sun Lu, he would love her most sincerely.

The relationship with Sun Lu lasted for more than a year, and Sun Lu began to become more and more attached to me, she was really good to me, only I kept torturing myself in my heart. Later, Sun Lu also knew about my relationship with He Nan and Zhang Yu, she didn't blame me, she only hoped to marry me, but I didn't love Sun Lu. As a journalist, Sun Lu used to wish I could write this story, and she would help me publish it anonymously, but I couldn't face my soul at that time. I finally broke up with Sun Lu, and Sun Lu chose to resist by forcing me. Eventually, Sun Lu wrote me a love poem and ran away on the rain-soaked bus stop. We met again after doing Meilu and bought some products for face, and she was about to get married at that time. After that, we both disappeared into the vast sea of people, and our hearts were full of guilt for her.

In my last year with Henan, my love has been so deformed that it has lost all its balance. It was the season of peach blossoms, and I would never refuse to come to all the girls who threw me in my arms. My sister in college, my former colleagues, and my colleagues in the industry......

Yingzi is one of those many girls. In October 2000, we went to Jiuzhaigou together, at that time I was no longer an ordinary tour guide, as the representative of Jiuzhai International Travel Service in Beijing, I naturally became the object of her key care. When I came down from Huanglong Temple, she and I walked at the back of the group, and seeing that it was about to be time for the tour bus to leave, I took her hand and ran all the way down Huanglong - Yingzi fell in love with me from that time.

When she returns, she will send me the return ticket that has been credited to her account. It was just as I was resting that day, and she just delivered the ticket to my house. It rained heavily, and Yingzi stayed at my house like this. Lying in the same bed, sleepless all night, nothing happened. When I got up the next day, Yingzi was already gone, and there was only a small note pressed under a pile of tickets on the table: I didn't leave anything but the ticket, and I didn't take anything away except the warmth! Yingzi is a girl who has touched me immensely.

After that, we fell into a short and crazy love. After seeing her back from Beijing, she insisted on sending me to the station, and when I arrived at the station, she was reluctant to give up, so she accompanied me all the way back to Tianjin. We could have been together that night, but I finally gave up, and I couldn't bear to ruin a girl's innocence without giving her a future.

When I watched "Heart Whispering Wish" together, I cried, and Yingzi finally knew about me and Henan, and after that, we drifted apart. She did everything she could to satisfy me, but I didn't give it to her in the end. Yingzi was the only girl I hadn't hurt in those crazy years, but I still broke her heart, and I had to start reflecting on my absurdity and shamelessness. More than a year later, Yingzi eloped with a man with 50,000 public funds, and her whereabouts are still unknown.

This unforgettable love continued to the future, becoming more and more deformed, and in the end, even I couldn't tell who was harming others and who was being killed. I remembered someone's words: If you can find yourself in time if you indulge for a while, then you are still yourself, and if you sink and indulge, you are depraved.

I'm not sure how deeply I've hurt them. When I finally decided to cut off everything and become a new person, my heart was also bleeding in the face of their tearful eyes like pear blossoms and rain. Tong Xiao is also one of the girls, until 2007, she was still chasing and rushing to marry me, and I could only run away. When you hurt others, you are defiling your own soul! I think of Xiao Ying, and I don't know why an innocent love becomes so absurd in the end? It is better to live proudly than to be humbly in love! When a relationship loses itself, tragedy is quietly coming.

I finally decided to be a good person who was noble, pure, detached from low-level interests, and had no self-interest and benefited others. I threw myself into a new business like crazy, and I was tired, tired to the point that there was no gap, and that was the only thing I could do at that time...... One of the biggest takeaways for me is that I quickly got out of my pain and set a new purpose in life. People are always a product of the environment, and only by breaking away from the old environment can you start a new life. So, eight years later, I came to Suzhou.

In 2007, I met Herman again, she is much older, years of irregular life and aimless spirit have made a generation of celebrities much older, and the only thing she is still waiting for now may be the end of her life. She still wanted me to come back to her, and after that, I never showed up again. It's just that every year when the bell rings on Chinese New Year's Eve, I will send her a text message to tell her where I am at the moment. She also said that she knew that one day I would disappear into the vast sea of people, so I disappeared. The more you fear something, the more it will happen! In psychology, this is called autosuggestion. I just hope that she can do well and stop deprecating herself like a candle like this.

Maybe it's really a thin life since ancient times! I remember a sentence that my college classmate Xinghai often said: This is the tragedy of character. In fact, the experiences of each of us in our lives are the tragedy of our own character.

Talking about these past events today, faintly, in fact, the real forgetting is not forgetting, but the past with the wind, just like telling someone else's story!