I don't have to sweep it up, as long as it makes me forget to think, I'm willing to do it.

The room was full of useless things. Why don't you throw it all away, I thought to myself.

A rope dangled from the drawer of the table.

That's what I used to take from my sister Xiaoyan's room and hide it in my room.

Since her boyfriend died in a traffic accident, Sister Xiaoyan has become more and more depressed.

Still, I feel like she's intentionally acting more lively in front of me.

At that time, I was only in the first year of junior high school, and judging from Sister Xiaoyan, as the object of confiding pain, maybe I was still too young.

Even so, I'm still worried about Sister Xiaoyan.

One day, I walked into Sister Xiaoyan's room and happened to see her doing something strange.

She was tying a rope and tying it into a loop.

"Sister, what are you doing?"

"Xiaotian, knock on the door first and then enter the house, do you understand?"

My sister said to me a little angrily.

"What are you going to do with this?"

"What you see today, you must not tell your mother, or anyone. Absolute secrecy. ”

"Why?"

"Because it's about human dignity."

At that time, I still didn't fully understand the meaning of Sister Xiaoyan's words.

It's just that Sister Xiaoyan's expression is too serious, and I can only agree with "um".

However, even if I don't understand the meaning of her words, I still vaguely understand the meaning of the rope.

The next day, Sister Xiaoyan was hit by a car while crossing the road and died.

It is said that on the main road where there was not even a traffic light and the vehicles were speeding away, Sister Xiaoyan tried to avoid the vehicles and ran across the road.

No one understood why she would do such a reckless thing.

It's just that before keeping a vigil for Sister Xiaoyan, I remembered the rope. I entered Sister Xiaoyan's room, took the rope, and hid it in my room. I had a gut feeling that I shouldn't tell anyone about it, so I never told anyone. Of course, it is even more impossible to talk to a counselor.

Now, I somewhat understand what Sister Xiaoyan means by "dignity".

I casually put the rope loop made by Sister Xiaoyan around my neck.

Then I gently closed my eyes and lay down like this.

I feel like I can meet Sister Xiaoyan in my dreams.

I've decided to quit my part-time job at a maid café. I couldn't concentrate at all, and I even caused trouble for others. Having said that, in fact, the most important reason is that I want to cherish the time I spend with Tang Ling.

However, as soon as I told the store manager that I was going to resign, I couldn't help but feel a sense of sadness in my heart. I think of a reason to cherish the rest of the day. I resigned for this reason, isn't it like I have accepted Tang Ling's death? Thinking of this, I always feel very uncomfortable in my heart.

After finishing the last work, the way back is still walking with Sister Xiaoli as always.

"Are you alright?"

On the way back, Sister Xiaoli asked me back and forth nearly thirty times. It's a little annoying to hear. But when I think that my face is really not very good, I don't want to complain about anything. "I'm fine." I replied, and the first thing that came to my mind was that I was sorry.

The traffic light turned from green to red, but I didn't notice it at all. I don't know when I got into the habit of walking with my head down. Sister Xiaoli had already crossed the street first and turned around from the opposite side to greet me. "Xiaotian, if you don't hurry up, it's dangerous."

I looked around, and there was a sparse number of cars on the street, and only a small car was driving towards me.

"I'm fine."

Before I knew it, I lost all my strength and just stared blankly at the car coming towards me.

I realized that the car was the same type of car that killed my sister at the time.

At that moment, I felt something flash into my mind.

If I had stood there for a few more moments, I felt that I could understand Sister Xiaoyan's feelings at that time.

I froze.

It feels like a ghost is on the upper side.

“——————！！！”

Sister Xiaoli shouted something, and I came back to my senses all of a sudden. She had appeared in front of me and lunged at me as if she was trying to separate me from the car.

"Stop!!"

The car braked suddenly, and finally stopped when it was about to hit Sister Xiaoli. Sister Li dragged me and pulled me to the sidewalk almost exhausted.

Sister Li glared at me angrily, and I felt that I might have to be taught a lesson. But it doesn't matter what you say. But she was silent, and then raised her hand. I thought she was going to slap me. But she didn't, just gently held my face.

Sister Xiaoli cried.

I didn't understand why she was crying at all.

"Xiaotian, your heart is dead."

Leaving such a sentence, Sister Xiaoli turned around and left.

I stood on the street at night, overwhelmed.

Tang Ling spoke less and less. Maybe for her, even talking is already painful.

Sometimes Tang Ling is still angry with me, and quarrels with me because of a little thing. When we argued, she would always say "don't come" and "goodbye", and those words were about to become her mantra. I never seriously responded to her words.

Tang Ling is always crying now. Maybe she was just pretending to be strong in front of me before. She's angry with me, maybe because she doesn't hide her weaknesses from me anymore. If that's the case, I'm not disgusted.

"I'm really sick and I'm not happy, otherwise how about you kill me?"

That day, Tang Ling was very energetic and in a good mood. It's hard to say so much these days.

"I don't want to go to jail yet."

"Then the two of us will die together, right? Xiaotian, are you willing to die with me? ”

Tang Ling told a joke that made people laugh at all.

"Okay. So how do you want to be martyred? ”

"Isn't jumping into the river a little too earthy?"

"There's no need to bother with this kind of thing, right?"

"How about hanging?"

I try to imagine that scene. The bodies of the two of us were hanging in the air, and we always felt silly.

"Hey, how about jumping off the building?"

We jumped from the sky together - it was stupid.

"What about freezing to death?"

"But where do you have to go to freeze to death?"

"Snowy mountains or something?"

"It's too far!"

"Where's the refrigerator?"

"Is there a refrigerator that can fit two people at the same time?"

"You need a freezer."

"Then let's go find the freezer."

But even when we were telling jokes like that, I wasn't very happy.

Actually, I wish she could be more free to play and laugh.

I want her to make me do something funny like a punishment game and laugh at the look I was distressed as she did at the beginning.

"Don't you have 'what you want to do before you die'?"

I asked.

"That's the last one."

Tang Ling said to me, staring at me intently. When I heard the word "last", I was shocked.

"I want to know what happens when people die."

After listening to her words, something suddenly occurred to me.

I recalled the day I was helped by Wu Jie.

Then. From the time I didn't die, I've been—

Live like a walking corpse.

So I came up with a great idea.

"Tang Ling, I'll come over again tonight."

With that, I walked out of the room. Tang Ling had an incredulous expression, she didn't understand what I was thinking. But you'll soon know, I thought to myself.

I went home first, calmed down, and tried to think. It's not something I thought about on the spur of the moment. So I won't waver. This is already the best way to go.

I folded my hands in front of Sister Xiaoyan's altar.

Sister Xiaoyan.

Sister, after you died, I thought many times why you chose to end your life. I've probably thought about it more than a hundred times. However, I have never understood your feelings. I've always thought you were stupid. I couldn't fathom the feeling of wanting to die. Even if we are sisters and brothers, but after all, it is not my own experience, maybe I can't understand it, and there is no way to do it, and several times I have given up thinking about your thoughts. But I really cared.

My sister's feelings that she couldn't live after her lover's death were impossible for me to understand at that time. After all, if you didn't like anyone, you wouldn't be so sad about his death.

However, I finally understood.

I understood the meaning of that despair.

- When a loved one dies, he must be buried with him.

Recently, I almost got hit by a car as well.

At that point, I felt like I finally understood

——Sister Xiaoyan's mood.

"How long are you going to worship Sister Xiaoyan?"

Mom's voice pulled my mind back to reality. She was busy bringing her meal to the table.

"I'll take a hand too."

With that, I also stood next to my mother.

"It always feels weird to look at."

For dinner, I ate the egg fried rice that Sister Xiaoyan liked very much. After Sister Xiaoyan died, her mother still had to do it once a week.

"Isn't our egg fried rice a little weird?"

My mother looked surprised when she heard me.

"Our egg fried rice generally doesn't put green onions, is this the preference of Xiaoyan's sister and sister?"

When I finished adding, my mom smiled.

"Actually, I like it."

This is the first time I've heard of anything like this.

"Before Xiaoyan was born, I used to make egg fried rice with green onions. But Xiaoyan is really similar to her mother, and she doesn't like green onions either. After that, I didn't add green onions to the egg fried rice. ”

"So mom did it just because she didn't like it?"

"Guessed right."

Mom smiled mischievously as she spoke.

"Cook me a bowl of rice."

I was actually quite full, but I still told my mom about it.

"You go to Shengbei yourself."

Saying this, my mother still helped me fill a bowl of rice.

"That, Mom."

I said as I ate.

"I'm much better."

For a moment, my mother looked like she didn't understand what I was talking about, and then it dawned on me.

It's so hard to say everything that's going on in my heart, that's all I can say.

"Really?"

Mom was a little overjoyed. Looking at my mother's expression, I didn't feel a tingling in my heart.

"Hmm. It's all right. ”

After that, I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and changed into a white shirt.

Then I came to the balcony and called Wu Jie.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to have to change schools."

Sure enough, I didn't tell him the whole truth.

"Huh? It's too much of a rush. ”

"My dad is going to work in the field."

"Where are you going?"

"Guess what?"

"Abroad?"

"You guessed it—"

I said in a tone that seemed to be complimenting him on how good he was.

"Then I'll be lonely."

"Wu Jie, thank you for so long."