3. Crush and goodbye

Monday, May 8, 2017 Cloudy

When I discharged my father from the hospital, I got a reason to go to Huo Heng's office to see him openly.

It is said that it is an office, but it is actually a relatively large area where everyone works together, and his personal space is very small, only a square table one meter long and half a meter wide, on which there is a computer, a glass cup with tea, and a thick pile of messy information such as medical records.

Truth be told, his desk was messy, and it was hard for him to find exactly what he needed from that pile of materials every time.

The results of the biopsy have not yet come out, and he did not ask me why I was discharged from the hospital at this time, probably because he had seen too many patients like us and their families. He once said that Dad's disease may be non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, although there is no support from the test results, but judging from the current known condition, it is already eight or nine, and the final test result is only the next ultimatum.

Dad had his last infusion today, and the wound in his neck was almost healed, so we planned to leave after the infusion today.

The decision to be discharged from the hospital was made somewhat suddenly.

Last night, when I went downstairs for a walk after dinner, my father discussed with me, "Why don't we be discharged from the hospital?" Well, the daily expenses here are too great, and people like us are not suitable to continue chemotherapy here. ”

"Dad, you're thinking nonsense again, this is a provincial hospital, both doctors and drugs are the best, where can you go if you don't do chemotherapy here?"

"It's okay to go back to our county hospital."

"Dad!"

"You see that the daily hospitalization fee here is 20 yuan more expensive than ours, and there is also a problem with eating, we are not less than 50 yuan a day, if 50 yuan is left in our county, Dad can take you to eat a lot of delicious miles."

Dad was tired of walking, so he stopped at the flower bed on the side of the road and sat down, his back straight, his knees together, his hands on his knees, like a schoolboy who had just entered the school.

He smiled flatteringly at me, the wrinkled furrows in the corners of his eyes reminding me of the deep and shallow lines on the tires of his truck.

"This chemotherapy is not a thing that can be done after speaking, let's run here again and again, tossing back and forth, Dad's old bones can't bear this sin. You're only a junior this year, and your schoolwork is heavy, so you always ask for leave to run back and forth with me, and what to do with the delayed courses, it's not a way to drag you down like this. If we go back, you can go back to school, Dad is close to home, it's convenient to go back and forth, Dad can go to chemotherapy alone, it's really not good, and your mother can take care of me. If you go back, the reimbursement ratio is also high, this is calculated, you can save a lot of money, you say Dad is right in his analysis? ”

I can't tell my dad, tilted his head to look at an unknown weed growing in the corner of the flower bed, tried to suppress the tears that wanted to snatch his eyes, picked up a small black pebble and kept digging the soil near the weed, and in a short time he dug a hole that was not too big or small.

"But what should Mom say?"

"I've already discussed it with your mother. Besides, you don't know about our family's situation, and your brother ......."

"Dad! Please, don't say it...... I don't want to hear it. ”

Dad's reason can't convince me, in my eyes, his distress from beginning to end is just a "money" word, I told him that no matter how much money is outside the body, it may be in his eyes, as long as people live, money is more important than life, and money can have life. My family's current family conditions may be like this, once my father falls, the family will not have any financial resources, and every dollar may need to be carefully calculated and deducted from the fingers. But I'm about to lose the tell, staying may be a little better to control Dad's condition, but if I can make him happier if I go back, I have no reason to refuse. Now my father's words are ostensibly asking for my consent, but he has discussed it with his mother, and in essence, he is just informing me.

"Okay, okay, I won't say it, it's windy downstairs, let's go up."

I stood up, kept a distance of half a meter from my father and followed him, walked two steps and turned back to pull out the weed.

"Distracted?"

Huo Heng patted my arm gently, and I came to my senses.

"Uh, oh, what are you talking about?"

He picked up the black pen on the table, raised his wrist and tapped it lightly on my head, "I beat you, and I don't pay attention to being discharged." ”

My face turned red, my hands behind my back, clasped tightly, and I pursed my dry lips, not knowing what to say.

There weren't many people in the office at this time, maybe because everyone had gone to eat close to dinner, but he was still slowly writing orders for me.

"Your father's illness is actually a bit serious, judging by the size of the lump in his neck, it should be a malignant tumor. The results of further examinations are not yet available, and I cannot conclude with certainty. But non-Hodgkin lymphoma is a malignant lymphoma, and your father's condition is currently developing very slowly, and there is no life-threatening situation for the time being, but ...... Little girl, you give me a very stable feeling, I must tell you the truth, there is no precedent for your father's disease to be cured, in other words, there is no possibility of cure, but there are still quite a lot of such cases in China, and it is not a small number of people who die within a year or two after being diagnosed, but there are also examples of survival for ten or eight years, and the key lies in the patient's mentality and the mutual cooperation between patients, families and doctors. Therefore, it is also very important for you as a family member to control the patient's condition, go home and talk to your father, and you can see that there is a gap between you and your father, I hope ......"

"Okay, I got Dr. Huo."

His face was so beautiful when he spoke seriously, but I had to interrupt him.

"Well, I seem to be talking a lot."

He scratched the back of his head in some embarrassment, then smiled and handed me the discharge slip.

"Thank you for taking care of my dad these days and bothering you."

"You're welcome, as it should be."

"Well, goodbye."

"Goodbye."

I don't know how I walked out of his office, I felt that every step was very heavy and desperate, the words "no cure", "inert", "malignant" and so on kept flooding my mind, and I still had extra brain capacity to think about whether I could say goodbye or say goodbye and never see each other again.

When I walked a meter or two outside the office door, I heard the sound of him talking to a female doctor and the sound of him laughing, I had a trace of jealousy, the sound was so pleasant, it reminded me of the sound of gurgling water from a spring when I went to the temple on the mountain with my grandmother to burn incense when I was a child. The spring water is really clear, the smooth cobblestones at the bottom of the spring are clear and countable, and there are a few small shrimps, as if floating in the air, my grandmother used her hands to pluck a handful of water for me to drink, saying that as long as I drank the divine water in the mountain, I could live without disease and disaster for a lifetime, I drank two sips, and found that the spring water was cool and sweet, but was stopped by my grandmother when I shouted to drink, my grandmother said that you can't be too greedy, and drinking too much is a blasphemy against the gods, and it is a great blessing to keep it for the passers-by later, and everyone who sees it has a share.

Did I steal the divine water that belonged to my father, so that my father would get such a bastard disease.

But if there really is such a divine water, I will bring a bowl back to my father.

I turned around and wanted to look at him again, but I found that the office had been closed, and I stood in place for a long time with the discharge slip, "If you can have the opportunity to spend more time with Huo Heng, you will find that he is actually not what you imagined." Collect it, although you like him, but his son is already two years old. ”

"What nonsense are you talking about!"

Wearing the cheap blue slippers of ten dollars a pair, the reed appeared in front of me like a chicken coop, snatching the list from my hand and yawning as he looked at it.

"Your dad is going to be discharged from the hospital? Then you don't have a chance. ”

"You can take care of it!"

I glared at him hard, lifted my hand and snatched the list from his hand, clenching my hand into a fist and striking him twice in the chest.

His one-meter-eight height pretended to be in pain, his back arched slightly, and he coughed dryly twice, "You murdered your husband?!" ”

"Fuck off." I ignored him, turned around and strode towards the ward, but he still followed me unrelentingly, "Seriously, you really need a man, or let's make do with it?" If it's okay, I'll tell my dad to go! ”

"Are you sick in the brain, I really can't ask the doctor to open a list for you to check whether the in your brain affects your IQ."

"Did you eat today, your mouth stinks so much."

"You don't care if I eat or not! Don't come along! ”

I murdered him, and he really didn't come with him again.

I don't know what kind of sulking you're angry with, or what one of those things I'm angry with him about.

I don't dare to let myself think deeply, I'm afraid to come up with the answer I'm most afraid of, has my thoughts about Huo Heng reached such an obvious point? Can't be extravagant!

After lunch, I took several bus transfers to get my dad to the bus terminal, and I wanted to send him home and back to school, but he refused to let me, saying that he had delayed my homework for several days and could not delay it any longer. He thought I was studying hard in school, but he didn't, he didn't know that I was playing on my phone in class I didn't like, sleeping, writing novels and even shopping on Taobao, especially boring subjects, I didn't even go into the classroom at all, hiding in the dormitory to watch dramas or go to the library to read books. In addition to a few guiltes, I even felt a sense of revenge in my heart, and I was using his hard-earned money to degrade myself, even though I realized that the person who played the trick in the end was myself, and the one who suffered the consequences would be myself.

I couldn't resist Dad's temperament, so I had to help him buy a ticket, and I kept watching his back over the ticket gate, until I gradually disappeared from view before I went to line up to buy a ticket back to school.

I didn't dare to think back to my father's back, and my eyes began to reddened when I thought about it, obviously thinking that I had no feelings for him at all, why would there be such a big wave in my heart at this moment.

When I finally lay on the bed in the dormitory, my eyes were empty, and I was looking at the white ceiling being dyed by the black outside the window, I unexpectedly received a message from the reed, "Are you home, nerd?" ”

I don't like him to call me a nerd, especially in the tone that Sun Wukong often teaches Zhu Bajie.

"It's time for school."

"I didn't send you off today when you left."

"Oh."

"Didn't give you a."

"Fuck your uncle!"

"Hahahahaha, go to sleep, don't miss your master, maybe you want to die in the future, and I won't be able to see my master."

"The rivers and lakes are far away, the mountains and rivers are evil, and we will not see each other in this life."

"Did you listen to what I said at noon?"

"What?"

"It's nothing, go to sleep!"

I always had a bad attitude towards Reed, and I thought about how lonely Reed must have been whispering in my ear, and how could I have been immersed in the sadness of being alone and ignoring him, obviously he was trying to amuse me, and he was struggling to live so much.

When I close my eyes and think back to Reed's face, I think of his thick sausage mouth and the slit in his eyes when he laughs.

Weizi is a big boy who is three months younger than me, ugly, but very familiar. All day long, I was a pair of slippers, a chicken nest, a sloppy appearance that couldn't wake up, but I was unexpectedly obsessed with basketball, I ate an apple, and the nucleus could also be taken away by him, and thrown into the trash can from a distance.

Weizi is the only son in the family, and had to come over to accompany his mother for chemotherapy, his mother has malignant breast cancer, surgery to cut her left breast, and is now undergoing the fourth chemotherapy treatment, living in the next ward. Her mother's surname is Zhang, I call her Aunt Zhang, Aunt Zhang's body is recovering well, although she had to shave her head because of chemotherapy, but she wore a wig, except for the three days of chemotherapy and often vomiting and her complexion was not good, the rest of the time looked pretty good.

Reed is one of the regulars who stays in the hall at night, and I only met him because he was smoking on my "exclusive" rooftop the other day, and I couldn't get used to it, so I went over to remind him that he couldn't smoke in the hospital, and he snuffed it out with a hippie smile, and the cigarette butt was directly snuffed out in the window frame. I glared at him disdainfully and left, and every time he saw me ever since, he was like an old friend, smiling and saying a word or two to me, whether I wanted to ignore him or not.

Weed is a chatterbox.

When I stood on the rooftop to blow the wind, Weizi was talking about his father who was a migrant worker and the junior raised by his father, about his grandmother who died early, about how his grandfather pulled his father up alone and how he was angry to death, about her mother's illness, and about his ignorant love since elementary school. The reed told me everything, never whether I wanted to hear it or not.

Weizi said that his mother was a good gambler, when he was a child, his father often fought with him, smashing dishes and throwing bowls, Weizi was most impressed by the night his father left home, and put the family's frying pan directly outside the door, the pot was concave for most of the time, and the divorce was forcibly stopped by Grandpa Weizi and said that he couldn't afford to lose that person, Reed's father went to work in the south in a fit of anger, and met a gentle and housekeeper woman outside, and lived like this, and was later known by Grandpa Weizi and Aunt Zhang, Aunt Zhang gambled on the homestead in her hometown when she was angry, and Grandpa Weizi had a sudden cerebral hemorrhage and went like this.

Weizi said that he didn't hold a grudge against that little three, he really didn't hold a grudge, on the contrary, he also praised that little three is not good at figure is handsome, and he is also very gentle, last time he went to live with his father, his father smiled very sweetly, and the happiness on his face could not be hidden, this kind of time occasionally reminded him of the person who quarreled with his mother when he was a child, and his face was so angry that he felt in a trance, whether it was the same person or not. The woman also made a table full of dishes, full of color, flavor and flavor, which was a craft that his mother had never had, and also, since he was a child, he had never eaten his mother's cooking, and it was common for his grandfather to go hungry or go to a restaurant after his death.

Weizi said that he often wondered if his mother's illness would be her retribution, and that God couldn't stand it because she had done too much evil, but she was his mother after all, and now that she was sick, as a son of man, she always had to take care of her sick mother.

Weizi said that he liked several girls, and when he liked it, he liked it very much, but after he liked it for a while, he would meet another girl he liked very much.

Weizi said that I looked pitiful, damn it, I kicked him hard at that time, he knew what he was, so he commented on me without permission, no one can say that I am pitiful, no one is allowed to pity me.

Picked up the phone and wanted to apologize to the reeds, but swiped the person's WeChat, and couldn't help but click on the person's avatar, a very ugly landscape picture, more old-fashioned than my parents' WeChat avatar, his last circle of friends was posted three weeks ago, the content is nothing more than about football, in addition to a few are the backs of him and his son, but I stared at it for a long time.

I listened to a nice tune, with the sound of rain and faint thunder, I forwarded it to the circle of friends with the text:

“I was not when you were born

You were old when I was born

You regret that I was late born

I regret that you were early born ”

Sometimes I don't understand why some people's dark nights are always much longer than others', and some people's relationships are doomed to be fruitless.

On May 8, 2017, who has a crush on whom, and who says goodbye to whom.

Goodbye Huo Heng, goodbye reed.

Good night, tomorrow will be fine.