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Li Yue'er

I stood at the door of Ward 909 of the First Hospital of City C, through the glass on the door, I could clearly see a thin and withered body on the hospital bed not far away, with long hair hanging down and a pair of eyes that had long lost their color, sunken in the hollow eye sockets, like stars falling from a black hole, and no longer emitted any shimmer. Despite the futon covering, the emptiness of the lower body is still obvious, like a butterfly with folded wings, falling into the mud, no matter how desperately it flutters, it can't escape the fate of being committed to Fangchen. Next to her, there was a familiar figure, with his hands on the edge of the bed, supporting his head, his eyebrows and eyes lowered, and the thick stubble on his face was faintly visible. He lost weight, and after a few days of not seeing him, he seemed to be a different person, and he no longer saw his former calm and leisure, only a dry, lifeless body that was left to wander and sway mechanically.

Tears welled up in my eyes, gurgling like a river flowing freely down my face. I covered my mouth, my chest heaving violently, and hoarse whimpering whimpered in my throat, as if the blood around me was screaming. I couldn't bear to look at it anymore, so I turned my head and ran.

The weather outside the hospital was fine, and the continuous rain after the earthquake made the whole city shrouded in ashes, and the sun finally showed its true face today. The summer sun was not mild, shining on my body like a charcoal fire, and there were undried tears on my face, shining in the clear light of the sun, reflecting my stiff limbs. I looked at the flow of people around me, the ambulance with flashing lights, the busy white coat, and the anxious and sad figures, as if in an instant a circle of light and shadow was formed, alternately rotating around me, gradually speeding up, faster and faster, with a bang, I came to mid-air, overlooking all the living beings below, it seemed to have become a joke.

I sat down at the café next to the hospital and asked for a cup of unsweetened coffee, and the corners of my lips were no longer bitter. The streets were full of people, the sun was shining obliquely on me, and the café was full of air conditioning, and I didn't feel the heat, just silently watched the skin on my arms gradually turn crimson, soothing the fine hot pain. The old record player played a hoarse voice repeatedly, "...... There is impermanence outside the sky, there are mountains outside the mountain and there is another place, doing whatever you want is frivolous, and being unguarded is sad ......"

There is impermanence outside the sky, and it is sadness that cannot be prevented, and sadness that cannot be prevented...... I silently recited these words, looked at the crimson cross mark not far away, opened my bloody mouth in the sun as if I wanted to devour everything in front of me, took out my mobile phone and sent a message to Chen Ran, I finally couldn't hold back crying anymore......

After a long time, I stopped crying and looked at the man in my field of vision, the corners of his clothes fluttering in the air, and a small gust of wind was blowing. When I crossed the street, I came through the crowd, and everything around me seemed to be hidden in the background, which reminded me of his appearance running on the bank of the Xiu River, when he was so high-spirited, but now he looks at it with a lot of panic......

He finally stood in front of me, I raised my head to look at him, the sun shone on his face, my eyes were dizzy for a moment, the dazzling light needle pricked me painfully, squinted slightly, I saw a long figure condescending in the blur, he didn't speak, just looked at me quietly, his eyes were so sad, silent as if the tide was coming, surrounding me, drowning me...... I slowly got up and met his gaze, and suddenly I didn't know what kind of posture to face such a moment, only to feel that the powerless reality knocked us to the ground in an instant, stepping on one foot, fierce, cruel, reminding me of him and me on the edge of the cliff thousands of years ago.

I gently stroked Chen Ran's face, and the tears in my eyes were like the tide of a broken embankment, but they fell silently. I saw Chen Ran's nose fluttering, there were thousands of weather in his eyes, reflecting my appearance, it was the small universe of me and him, real but far away, hidden in a corner of the real world, self-pity, self-defeating, slowly withering.

The next second, I fell into a cold embrace with the familiar smell of tobacco, and his kiss suddenly covered my lips, the dry texture was rough and cold, and his breath instantly engulfed me. I closed my eyes and let him hug me tightly, as if it had taken all his life to rub me straight into his body. His kiss was hot and cold, like the poles of water and fire, full of suppressed affection and desperate sorrow, I felt so helpless Chen Ran for the first time, like a lonely sail drifting in the sea, looking around, the waves are vast, and there is no life to be found in the color of heaven and earth.

There was sparse applause in the café, and some people even whistled. It's really ironic and helpless, everyone around them must have thought that they had witnessed a reunion after a long absence, but they didn't know that the impermanence of this world had already torn all the good things to pieces, and only the parties concerned understood what kind of life and death they had experienced.

I don't know how much time passed, as slow as a lifetime, he finally let go of me, put his arm on my shoulder, he looked at my eyes steadily, as if to see through each other's lives, he opened his mouth, his voice was hoarse as broken

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Defeated bellows, "Yue'er, I ......"

I blocked his mouth, tears seemed to have dried, only nodded slightly, motioned for him to sit down, "Needless to say, Chen Ran" The corners of my lips moved slightly, and I tried my best to suppress the sorrow in my heart, "I know everything." ”

He smiled bitterly, beckoned the waiter to ask for a cup of Tieguanyin, there are green tea leaves in the clear blue water, leisurely, like those days and days in the distant time, I brewed a new cup of tea for him, he tasted the fragrance in the cup and my affection in the rising sun, and bloomed the most satisfied smile in every gap between the lips and teeth, and now we are gradually distancing ourselves like the buoys on the surface of the water......

My heart pounded, my throat tightened, and I almost cried. Hurriedly lowered his head and took a sip of coffee, but he could hear his voice sounding on the other side, "Yue'er, I'm sorry for not telling you everything at the first time." After a pause, he sighed softly, "I don't know how to speak to you, so I have to choose to escape." It's me who was cowardly and let you down, I'm sorry. ”

The corners of my mouth moved, I shook my head, and raised my eyes to look at him, "Chen Ran, don't tell me I'm sorry, I understand, I don't know how to say anything like this." I don't blame you," I repeated again as I looked into his eyes, "I don't blame you, really"

Chen Ran lowered his head and smiled to himself, his eyes looked out the window, as if he had fallen into a distant memory, "When we found Xiaojuan, her legs had been crushed by the fallen pillars, and in a very narrow space, the staggered floor was crumbling, and her blood stained her skirt, condensed together, and she couldn't be removed. In the days of continuous heavy rain in the disaster area, her wounds have festered, and if she is not treated, her life will be in danger. He turned around and took a sip of tea, and such a thrilling scene was like a statement of an ordinary thing in his words, "I was next to her when the doctor amputated her, but I thought of you at that time, I thought, Xiaojuan lost her legs and became disabled, what should I do in the following days, what should you do." What will our future look like...... Ridiculous, right? Chen Ran smiled bitterly and shook his head, "Xiaojuan is experiencing life and death beside me, but I am still thinking about such a problem......

"Maybe you don't know yet" Chen Ran wiped his face and didn't look at me, "I divorced Xiaojuan, in addition to your reasons, Xiaojuan, she also has her own lover." And her lover, who was killed in the earthquake, died next to her...... At the last moment, he blocked the pillar that would have smashed Xiaojuan for Xiao Juan, and exchanged his life for Xiao Juan's life......" Chen Ran's voice trembled slightly, he took out a cigarette and lit it, and took a sharp puff, "Yue'er, do you know how I felt when I saw his corpse?" I think, how can human life be so fragile, a living person, say no, it will be gone; Xiaojuan's lover, I know, it's a good man, I thought that divorcing Xiaojuan would fulfill myself and fulfill him, how would I have thought that it would be such a situation in the end. And the facts have proved that he really loves Xiaojuan very much, so much so that he can die for her! Chen Ran spit out a circle of smoke and continued, "But on the other hand, I actually hate him a little, he died, he was a hundred, leaving Xiaojuan alone in the world, and people will always remember that he can't let him go, but he left me with a bunch of unsolvable problems, Xiaojuan even thought about suicide for him" Chen Ran's eyebrows and eyes flashed rapidly, and he could see the excitement in his heart, and took a sip ......of tea, as if he wanted to swallow the resentment in his chest, "He wants to protect his lover, but I also want to protect my lover, he died so suddenly, have you ever thought about it, How many people's lives have changed?! Chen Ran's eyes were red, his fingers holding the cigarette trembled slightly, and he took two puffs and snuffed out the cigarette butt.

Chen Ran's words shocked me deeply, I never expected that the cruelty of this earthquake not only took away Sister Xiaojuan's legs, but also took away her lover, and her lover died because of saving her, how cruel is this, such a blow, how embarrassing!

Again, my tears flowed down my face, as if they had never stopped from the beginning. I don't know how to describe the mood at this time, but I feel like my soul is detached. If I still had a little hope that I was lucky before, hoping that Chen Ran would really find a balance between me and Sister Xiaojuan as Mr. Guo said, it would all be gone up in smoke at this moment. Losing my father, losing my legs, and losing my lover, what else can I do to bargain with her, what else can I use to fight for myself, and what can I ask of Chen Ran, I can't do it, I can't do it......

Mr. Guo is right, in the face of life and death, love is so small, I don't have Chen Ran, I can still live well; But the current Sister Xiaojuan, if she loses Chen Ran again, what will she become, no one can imagine, she has brushed shoulders with death twice, hasn't she. Love, no matter how true and pure and beautiful love is, it can't be resisted after all, the red dust is vast and impermanent......

I slowly closed my eyes and let my tears wet everything, the coffee in the cup was already cold, and the bitterness of condensation flowed from my mouth to my heart, freezing my blood

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Ice. Silence, endless silence surrounded us, Chen Ran and I, sitting speechless, like two statues, standing in the wind and frost of the world, allowing the flying knives of reality to hurt each other completely......

So be it, what else is there to choose, what else can there be? There is only one way, and there is only one answer, and this moment is coming after all. I know that Chen Ran can't speak, I know that he is such a person who carries a heavy load, then let me come, this kind of cutting is still messy, let me finish everything with my own hands.

"Chen Ran, let's break up."

I finally said it, it didn't seem to be as difficult as I imagined, I looked at Chen Ran opposite, only to see him raise his head suddenly, there was a huge unbelievable and deep pain surging to drown him, I saw his eyebrows and eyes tangled, the corners of his mouth twitched, his hands were trembling, but he didn't speak, he didn't jump up to reject me, nor did he jump up like thunder to accuse me of determination, he just looked at me like that, maybe in the passage of time and a series of changes he didn't consider this possibility, but it really came to this moment, It just takes time for him to get used to it, to accept it, to face it......

Thinking of this, I looked into his eyes again and said in a deep voice, "Chen Ran, let's break up."

Chen Ran seemed to wake up suddenly, and grabbed my hand suddenly, "Yue'er, don't!" I don't want to break up with you! You make me think about it, okay? Let me think about it, I must be able to find a way, believe me, what I am best at is to solve problems, I will definitely be able to find a way to take care of you and Xiaojuan, okay, believe me......" His voice was almost pleading, such Chen Ran actually made me a little strange, he has always been a calm and resolute person, how could he have been so helpless?

I wiped away my tears and gently withdrew my hand from his hand, I saw the corner of his eyes move, and I couldn't help but mourn, "Chen Ran, so many days have passed, have you found a way?" He seemed to be stunned, looking at me blankly, I smiled bitterly, "Mr. Guo is right, this is a two-choice problem, there is no compromise or way to take care of it, not to mention," paused, my hands unconsciously clenched the corners of my clothes, "Even if you find a way to take care of it, I am not willing to accept it." Sister Xiaojuan is like this now, I have lost my equal qualifications to stay by your side anymore. Chen Ran, let me share her husband with a disabled person, I can't do it, I can't cross the hurdle in my heart, that will make me feel too shameless and despicable, and then it's not just the eyes of the world, I can't even face myself, so we, do you think even if we are together, we will really be as happy and happy as before? No, no, Chen Ran, I know you understand, you understand me and me, but I also understand you, you are not such a free and easy person...... In this case, the long pain is better than the short pain, Chen Ran, Sister Xiaojuan needs you more than me, she is like this now, there will be many difficulties you will face in the future, you will work harder than before, everything depends on you, Chen Ran, you have to cheer up, carry on, take good care of Sister Xiaojuan, take good care of yourself, Chen Ran, I'm sorry, I'm sorry......" I was already choked up and couldn't speak.

"No, Yue'er, don't say I'm sorry, don't tell me" Chen Ran slowly got up, walked in front of me, leaned my head on his body, and gently rubbed my hair, "It's me who should say I'm sorry, I failed to fulfill my promise to you, it's me who failed you, it's me who ......" His body trembled slightly, and his voice was like a lifetime of tears, "Yue'er, the matter has come to this, your words, I am speechless, what you said, I understand, I respect, but I can't say to break up, even if I know that it doesn't help, to you, I can't say those two words either. In my heart, you are my only wife, no matter how time and space change, I will not change, Yue'er, no matter what the future holds, I only ask for one thing," Chen Ran helped me up and looked at my eyes steadily, "Don't disappear from my life, don't leave without saying a word, so that I can find you, so that I can hear your voice, even if it's like a friend, so that I can look at you and see you, okay?" Promise me, promise me ......"

What else can I say, Chen Ran, who is so firm-minded but begging me in a low voice, said such things to me, I don't know what else I can say, I just feel that my whole heart seems to be hollowed out, without a little strength, he asked me not to disappear from his life, so that he can find me, but if, if I have always existed in his life, I am afraid that I will really be inseparable from him......

And I can't do without him like this, and I can't do without him without Sister Xiaojuan, how can I bear it......

How can it be like this, love, but have to be unrelated to each other, there is no way out......

"Promise me, promise me,......" His painful cry echoed in my ears, and in my silence I became more and more panicked and desperate, and I couldn't stand the pain of crying blood and heart anymore, I pushed away his arms and ran away, tears raining down on him, leaving him alone behind him, as if he had lost the whole world.

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