Chapter 98: Impermanence (8)
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Chen Ran
When I didn't know how to talk to Yue'er, I received a call from her. I watched as her name flashed on the screen, glowing with a faint blue light, like an invisible hand clamping around my neck, not strong enough to suffocate me.
I was at a loss, my fingertips tossing and turning on the screen, rubbing back and forth between answering and hanging. In the face of Yue'er, I actually had such a cowardly time, the person who had promised her to protect her for the rest of her life and never deviate from it seemed to suddenly withdraw from my body, leaving only a shriveled shell and dying weakness.
It turned out that I was so vulnerable that I didn't even have the courage to face my lover when I was helpless......
Wiping my face, I looked out the window, the silver rain was like weaving, and the sky and the earth seemed to be crying. The phone was still ringing stubbornly, and I glanced at Xiao Juan, who was lying on the hospital bed, her godless pupils with a dull light of decay, staring silently at the ceiling, like a walking corpse. I sighed, turned and walked out of the room, and pressed the answer button.
The familiar tenderness came from the phone, and I subconsciously clenched the phone. Yue'er's voice was cautious, and her worry was overflowing, and when she finally confirmed the safety of me and Xiaojuan, she let out a long sigh of relief, and her voice became clear. The corners of my eyes were hot, and I was about to speak, but I heard Yue'er ask on the phone, "Chen Ran, where are you now, and when will you come back?" ”
Finally I got asked, even though I kept running away. Licking the corners of my chapped mouth, I leaned against the wall, lowered my head, pressed my temple with one hand, and said with difficulty, "Yue'er, we are now in J City, very close to C City, much safer than the county, don't worry...... The time to go back is still uncertain, Xiaojuan has some injuries, and she has to be observed in the hospital for a period of time...... "Alas, in this situation, how long can you hide it."
Yue'er naturally believed my words, her subsequent tone was full of joy and excitement, I think she must be more happy and satisfied than ever at this moment, didn't I ever look forward to such an ending - I returned safely, divorced Xiaojuan smoothly, Yue'er became my bride, and we lived happily together ever since...... It's only now that I understand that that happiness always belongs to the princes and princesses in fairy tales, and how many people can be fulfilled in reality?
Sighing, I hung up the phone and walked into the room. After a few days of treatment, Xiaojuan's leg injury has been controlled, but her spirit has not yet recovered; The successive blows had overwhelmed her, and Director Zhao's death had completely crushed her, even if she had woken up, she rarely spoke, often staring silently at the sky outside the window in a daze. When she saw me come in at this moment, the corners of her mouth moved, as if she had something to say. Seeing this, I took a few steps closer and asked, "Is there anything you need?" ”
Xiaojuan lowered her eyebrows slightly, and said slowly, "Chen Ran, are the divorce procedures ready?" It just so happens that I am in City C, you ask Wang Hao to bring the information over to me in the past two days. ”
I couldn't help but be stunned, I never thought that this was the first thing Xiaojuan said to me. The first thing on her mind after escaping death was to divorce me, should I be happy or sad? I can't answer, doesn't she know that she has lost her legs, and Director Zhao has been separated from her yin and yang? If she divorces me, who will take care of her for the rest of her life? Without her legs, her work, her career, and many of the things she pursues will change drastically, did she anticipate these situations? Can she afford to lose so much overnight? And her mother-in-law, her father-in-law is gone, she is an orphan and widow, she is now disabled, how to face the years ahead?
My heart turned a thousand times for a moment, and I only looked at her sadly. Because of excessive blood loss, Xiaojuan's face has been pale, and the physical and mental torture has made her already thin figure even more rugged, shriveled like a piece of paper in the wind, and spreads softly on the bed. The long hair was scattered on the pillow, covering most of the face, and the expression could not be seen clearly; Her eye sockets were sunken, and the surrounding area was gray, making her look as withered as a broken candle.
With a sour heart, I said, "What are you talking about, now is the time to talk about this." Tucking the quilt for her, I endured the sadness in my heart and smiled gently at her, "The most important thing for you now is to take care of your body first, don't worry about anything else, and don't think about it." ”
Xiaojuan raised her eyes to look at me and pulled the corners of her mouth, "Now is not the time to say this, heh, when do you say it's the time to say this?" He smiled bitterly, "Isn't it all about saying sooner or later, why bother when." Now that I'm doing it in City C, I'm going back and forth when I get it. ”
"Xiaojuan" I sighed, pulled over the chair and sat on the edge of her bed, "Why bother with me, you are like this, your mother is alone, you keep saying that you are divorcing me, not to mention what your parents think of us, we have been married for so many years, do you think I Chen Ran is a person who ignores people in times of crisis?" ”
Xiao Juan's eyelashes moved, and a helpless snort came out of her nose, but her voice was as wilting as a withered yellow leaf, "Chen Ran, you also said that I am the way I am now, yes, I know, I have lost my legs, I have become disabled, and even taking care of myself has become a problem, so I need someone to take care of me, hehe," Xiao Juan smiled to herself, looked at me, and suddenly smiled, "But."
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, do you know, it is precisely because of the way I am now that I will not want you Chen Ran to stay by my side in order to pity me. After a pause, she continued, "You have left me so many assets, are you afraid that I will not find someone to take care of me?" ”
When I heard her resolutely, my heart couldn't help but feel sad. For me, of course, the best ending is to divorce Xiaojuan and marry Yue'er, but in the current situation, how can I be as free and easy as she said? Xiaojuan has never been a person who drags mud and water, loves vigorously, goes resolutely, and wants to be justified, but she is also the most strong on the outside and fragile on the inside, her words now are just disheartened and unwilling to show weakness to a husband who has no love for her, in her world, love and mercy, love is mercy, love is compassion, love is love and care, without love, everything has become a source of water without roots, this is not what she wants, so she would rather be lonely and forget about me in the rivers and lakes, I don't want to be so aggrieved and passively continue to be tied to her in the name of responsibility because of her misfortune.
In the face of such a little juan, should I be grateful or sigh? Hehe, she is so happy that she can afford to let go, but it seems that I am twisted like a woman, but why am I still so hesitant and unspeakable, divorce Xiaojuan, I can't open my mouth, I can't open my mouth if I don't divorce her......
Sighing, I got up and walked to the window, and the houses near and far looked ethereal in the rain and fog, and there were raindrops falling from the eaves, making a ticking sound, as if nothing could change its rhythm at the moment; A few begonia flowers downstairs are in full bloom, graceful like a twenty-eight girl, the leaves are green, and a tree is verdant in the wind. The rain has already soaked the window edge, occasionally there are water droplets splashed into the house, the ground is sticky, and stepping on it will leave dirty shoe prints, I can't help but feel a little upset, I frowned, closed the window, and then turned around and said, "Let's not talk about this Xiaojuan, so many things have happened recently, and my heart is quite chaotic, let's put it first, calm and calm, let's talk about it later, okay?" Without waiting for her to speak, I continued, "You rest first, I'll go out for a walk, I'll call my mother over to accompany you, call me if there's anything." ”
"Why don't you let me say that? Chen Ran, I'm the way I am now, I'm giving you a problem, that's why you feel upset, right? Xiaojuan was not to be outdone, her face was a little bloody because of excitement, but she was a weak person, how could she withstand such emotional ups and downs, and she couldn't help coughing a few times. I didn't say anything, patted her on the back, readjusted the liquid, and was about to go out, but I heard Xiaojuan holding her voice behind her, "Do you think I divorced you because I was afraid of dragging you down?" You're wrong! I, Yao Xiaojuan, am not as magnanimous as you Chen Ran! Even if you knew that I was with Guangcheng, you could be so calm, and you never said a word for our feelings from beginning to end, and didn't keep a word, which means something, which shows that you Chen Ran doesn't love me anymore! In that case, why do you have to be wronged to stay with me? And why do you have to make me feel like I've kidnapped you? When did you Chen Ran become such a mother-in-law? Guangcheng is gone, because there is still a divorce agreement that has not been signed for a few days, you feel that you are still my husband and still have obligations to me, so you should take care of me instead of him?! You're wrong! Zhao Guangcheng is Zhao Guangcheng, you Chen Ran is Chen Ran, you can never replace him! Never! Why don't you divorce me! Why?! ”
Xiaojuan's voice was full of pathos, and the last few sentences were almost cried out, listening to the pain in my heart like a steel knife scraping bones and skin. I don't understand what she said, but can I really leave it alone because I understand? The love between her and Director Zhao, the love between me and Yue'er, which one is not true love and which one can be replaced, but the world is impermanent, is love alone enough? Each of us, who has been burdened with too much in this world, even if we understand these causes and effects, how many of us can truly be liberated? Everyone is just a clown spinning in the circle of fate, thinking that they have great powers, but in the end, they will never be able to jump out of the Five Fingers Mountain to get a glimpse of the end.
Thinking of this, I sighed, and didn't care about her heart-wrenching words, only said to her, "Don't talk about these Xiaojuan, your current body can't withstand such excitement, rest well, I'll come back later", I didn't look at her after speaking, and walked straight out of the ward, Xiaojuan's desperate and suppressed cry faintly came from behind me, the corners of my eyes were sour, but I didn't look back, and let the painful cry of "I hate you, Chen Ran" hovered in the air for a long time.
At night, I was about to go to the hospital to replace my mother-in-law who was taking care of Xiaojuan, but suddenly received a call from her, "Chen Ran, come quickly!" Xiaojuan, she is going to jump off the building! Come on, Chen Ran, this stupid girl actually wants to commit suicide! …… Why is she so stupid! …… Woowoo woo ......"
My eyelids jumped, I got up, went out in three steps and two steps, and started the car, "Mom, how can this be!" You stabilize Xiaojuan first! I'll go right over! You must stabilize her first, what about the doctor? What about nurses?! Call them, hurry! ……”
"Woo woo, Chen Ran, I'...... Xiaojuan, don't get excited, don't get excited! Is it okay for you to come down first, even if mom begs you, daughter, is it okay for you to come down first, woo woo woo ......"
I saw that my mother-in-law had lost her claim, and I was secretly anxious, so I threw away the phone and made it down
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The car seemed to fly up on the smooth road and roared all the way away.
Soon arrived at the hospital, there were many doctors and nurses in the ward, Xiaojuan sat on the windowsill, her face was full of tears, she only looked at the night sky outside the window in a daze, and muttered in her mouth, "Guangcheng, I am like this, what kind of life do I live, life is also a burden, I am here to accompany you, Guangcheng, you wait for me, you wait for me......"
"Xiaojuan!" I pushed everyone away and squeezed to a place three or five meters away from Xiaojuan, but I didn't dare to rush forward, only to find that the infusion needle had been pulled out by her, and there was bright red blood oozing from the back of my hand; I can't imagine how she, without legs, fell out of bed, slumped to the window, climbed onto a stool, climbed onto the windowsill. At this moment, she was wearing a head wind, her face was as white as a ghost, without the support of her legs, the whole person hung like a dead leaf on the edge of the window and crumbling, my heart was in my throat, for fear that everyone's anxious cries would force her, so I hurriedly turned around and signaled to be quiet behind me, took a deep breath, I calmed down, and then said, "Xiaojuan, I'm Chen Ran, I'm here, let's talk about something, let's go down first, my mother and I are very worried about you, you see, my mother is just such a daughter as you, it's too dangerous up there, Let's go down first, look at Mom, she's crying, you look back, okay? ......" I said as I walked behind her and winked at the doctor next to me.
"Daughter, mom please, can you come down first, mom can't live without you! Daughter, you've passed such a big earthquake, what else can't you think of, daughter! …… Woowoo woo ......"
My persuasion and my mother-in-law's crying seemed to alarm Xiaojuan, she slowly turned her head, looked at us blankly, and smiled sadly after a long time, "Mom, I'm like this, life is also a drag on you, let me go, let's go, let's go, just go, you don't have to worry about no one to take care of you, Chen Ran is a filial son, thinking of our husband and wife, he will also give you a pension, let me go, Guangcheng is no longer here, he died to save me, he gave me his life, I have to pay him back, he is waiting for me below, you ......" Before Xiaojuan's words were finished, I jumped up behind her while she was unprepared, and the doctor next to me also rushed up to see this, and finally rescued her from the windowsill.
Xiao Juan suddenly reacted, and shouted like crazy while twisting her body, "Let go of me!" Let me go! Why don't you let me die! Why! Is my Yao Xiaojuan's life so valuable?! Guangcheng won't let me die, the doctor won't let me die, Chen Ran, you won't let me die, why?! Why?! Why can't I even die! She grabbed the placket of my clothes, her eyes widened, "Chen Ran, let me die, I beg you, okay, I'm like this, I'm a monster, I'm afraid to look at it myself, aren't you afraid?" You're going to live with a monster for the rest of your life, are you crazy? What are you saving me for! Are you happy that I might as well die like this? Yes? Chen Ran! Woowoo...... You speak, you! …… Woowoowoo...... Guangcheng ...... You left me alone without saying a word, have you asked my opinion? Why do you want to save me, why do you want to save me, I don't want you to save me, I want you to live...... I want you to live ......! ”
"Daughter, don't be like this, don't scare your mother like this......" Listening to Xiaojuan's sorrow, her mother-in-law had already cried into tears, and she couldn't say anything superfluous.
"Xiaojuan! Xiaojuan! Look at me! I pressed Xiaojuan who was struggling on the bed, grabbed her shoulders, and stared at her eyes, "You keep saying that Director Zhao saved you regardless of whether you asked your opinion, but now that you are like this, have you asked his opinion again?!" He saved your life with his life, did he let you abandon yourself like this?! An earthquake, so many people died, do you know how difficult it is for every soldier and every doctor to save a person?! So many people, buried in the rubble for so many days, what is it that sustains them? It is the hope of being alive! It is the belief of survival! When the disaster comes, everyone is trying their best to survive, save themselves, save others, and you still want to die! Ask yourself, are you worthy of Director Zhao? Are you worthy of so many people who saved you?! Yes?! I pointed to her mother and continued, "And Mom! Mom is just such a daughter as you, Dad is gone, she is left alone, all her hopes are in you, but you, not only don't think about her, but also don't take into account her feelings, to let her white-haired people send black-haired people, have you ever thought about her a little?! Without a husband and a daughter, what are you going to do if you make her an old man?! Yes?! I almost shouted, "Yao Xiaojuan! You cheer up a little! Compared to the 100,000 people buried in the rubble, you are already lucky! Director Zhao exchanged your life for your life, so that you can live well! You have to know that you are now not only living your own life, but also his life! So, you have to live well, live better than before, and be worthy of what he has done for you, you know!! ”
"As for me," I looked at Xiao Juan, whose eyes were full of tears and a stunned face, the anger on her face was returning little by little, but my heart was getting colder and colder in the ensuing changes and gradually clear despair, and finally froze into a hard lump.
"You don't have to worry, I won't leave you, Xiaojuan, I will take care of you and your mother for the rest of your life."
(End of chapter)