Everywhere she looks, Claudia White is like a symbol of Shinrikyo Doomsday.

If I want to save the one I hold dear, I must leave before this repeater world is ruined. I can't estimate what kind of damage the intruders of the Doomsday Illusion will bring to this world, but even if you take 10,000 steps back, everyone's actions will play a role in connecting and promoting the process of the apocalypse, which will definitely appear in my past experience - no matter what we do, do or don't do, we will deeply feel that we have become a link in the end of the world, not a link in preventing it. The bad end seems to be imminent, although it has not yet arrived, but maybe tomorrow? Acquired, perhaps? A week later? A few months later? It will definitely arrive.

Everyone who knows anything about the apocalypse, even if the intelligence is insufficient, can intuitively feel that this time period will definitely not drag on beyond 1999. On the other hand, there is also a feeling that if the sun can still be seen after 1999 and people go about their daily lives, it means that the end of the world has ended, or that the process of the end has stopped.

All actions, plans, and ideas can only be verified in the first seconds of the year 2000, and all the previous chances, no matter how many percent, are actually meaningless. Because, the closer you get to the end of the year, even if you follow your plan, there is a 99% chance that the end process will be stopped, and the worst possibility of 1 percent will still bring the same pressure as "99% will happen".

In the same way, if we do not regard this repeater world as a special temporary hedge space attached to the apocalyptic illusion, it will give people a more apocalyptic sense of apocalypse. Because, that means, to stop the destruction of this world is exactly the same as to stop the "doomsday process" in the full sense of the word. It's not just about the world itself.

The destruction of this repeater world, from the perspective of the apocalyptic illusion, is because of the actions of the invaders, so as long as these conspiracies that can be seen and accessed are dismantled. What happened after that. We need to wait and see if Doomsday Fantasy is coming to an end. However, if the world is also regarded as a side of the real world, and the process of the end is synchronized with other real aspects, then, to stop it, the opponent is no longer a visible mysterious organization, let alone an average level of mysterious power, but an invisible one. I can't touch it, but it's actually happening, like fate.

The concept of saving a mere world of repeaters is completely different from the concept of saving all the real sides, and thus preventing the end of the world once and for all. The latter is so difficult that there is almost nowhere to start, and my plan has to be carried out. Nor can it be in the order of the past: first to prevent the end of this world, and then to prevent the end of the doomsday illusion. Ultimately prevent the end of the hospital's reality.

According to the assumption of the "real side", if one of the worlds perishes, the other worlds will also perish. Because, they all directly reflect the "truth". It's not a system of who is attached to whom.

The complex relationships between the world include the world, between people, between people who are similar in different worlds, and between different people in different worlds. Completely unsortable. Even if I have recorded all kinds of speculations, all kinds of associations, and situations that seem to be seen from the perspective of a third-party god, it is completely impossible for me to put together a completely reasonable, coherent, and coherent relationship diagram.

Just the relationship between Dr. Ruan Li, "Jiang" and the humanoid Jiang, the relationship between Sakuya and them in different worlds, and even the relationship between Claudia Bai, "Virus" and "Jiang", has made my thinking often fall into a dead knot.

I can't even help but speculate that some of the clues recorded in the diary, some of which seem to be objective, and some of which seem to be what I have seen with my own eyes, contain false information about the spiritual hallucinations. In particular, a large part of my memories of Takakawa's past are a mixture of hallucinations, imaginations, and certain psychological tendencies.

What is even more worrying is that even if you know these memories, what you see is not entirely "real", but you can't tell which ones are "false". Because, in many cases, there is no absolutely true reference to zài.

It's a pity, but that's what human consciousness is. In the absence of a zài standard reference, it is impossible to even recognize other things.

When I first started in the Doomsday Vision, I used what I had seen and heard, as well as the information of the Humanoid River, as a reference. After entering the reality of the hospital, the information of the reality of the hospital is used as a reference. After the recovery again, the "river" and "virus" were used as references. However, all three references do not seem so real, or rather, cannot prove their absolute truth.

Everyone will set up a real reference object in their subconscious, and after setting, they will believe it from the bottom of their hearts and will not waver lightly. However, once shaken, in layman's terms, it is the collapse of the three views, which is full of terrible destructive power for the survival of human beings and their own positioning. And like me, the situation in which the true reference in my heart is constantly shaken, and then my three views have to be corrected at any time, but cannot be maintained at a stable level, is definitely not a normal situation, and it definitely meets the standards of a mentally ill person.

Dr. Nguyen Le saw through this completely.

My actions are not based on the objectivity of "what is real", but on the subjectivity of "what I think is true". This is not to say that everyone else uses objective reality to construct their own three views, but the objective and firm factor is definitely the most important brick and stone. In my case, "objective" seems to be more in line with the definition of "illusion". For example, how many people pick up a stone and feel that what they have in their hands is not a stone, but something else? The reason why the "stone" here is "objectively real" is not because the person who picks it up thinks it is real, but admits that its essence is real, and the name "stone" is the name of this "truth".

However, when I put it in my place, I picked up the stone and did not think it was real because I acknowledged that it was real. And just I want it to be true.

I don't want to admit these situations and have done a lot of self-defense, but I think Dr. Nguyen Li saw through it. And this kind of worldview, which lacks real references and becomes vacillating, is why I have to doubt even the most real "hospital reality". Even nowadays. The root of the assumption of the "true side" was made.

No normal person would doubt whether the world they live in is real. Even if such a thought has arisen, it will not follow it.

In any case, he is not a normal person - this perception is very much in line with Dr. Nguyen's expectations.

"I've always hoped that you could admit it from the bottom of your heart." She said to me, "In your past diary, you even admit it and defend it from this point of view. I think about some situations, but your expectations of being a normal person are much more than that, and in many things, you assume that you are a normal person to make judgments. However, you are not a normal person in the first place, even if you have common sense. How can we trust those normal judgments from our own perspective? Both oil and water are fluids. However, it is impossible for oil to become water, and it is impossible to look at what you should and can do from the perspective of water, let alone do all the things that water can do. ”

Initially. My original intention in writing a diary - no, I should say that in my memory, writing my own story is not a diary. Instead, I hope to write a story novel full of incredible adventures. Because my own experience is too mysterious, there is no need to exaggerate it at all, on the contrary, because there are too many zài that I am completely incomprehensible, and it is difficult to imagine the situation before encountering it, I will also try to interpret it when recording the content of the story, trying to find the doubts and clues that I could not find out at the time of the incident, and make a logical arrangement, but it turns out that doing so will only make the whole story more and more complex and obscure. At the end of the day, there's nothing I can do to straighten it out.

The story is huge, bloated, and there is no rearrangement of the plot structure, most of it is arranged in its own chronological order, so if you read it as a diary, it will be more relaxed, like: what you saw this time, what you did, what you thought. Then, treat the end of this paragraph as a temporary end, rather than forcing the relationship with the content that follows.

This kind of reading fragmentation will make the overall content seem simpler, but it will also create more questions. I think it would be better to break down the whole story into short stories in this way, and each story should be arranged in a way that "the same protagonist has a dream adventure in chronological order".

I can't guess exactly how Dr. Nguyen Le reads these contents, because what she needs to sort out from the story is not the plot and setting, but the psychological changes that are reflected behind these grotesque plots and settings. She and the reader I envision are not the same type at all.

I don't think there's much pleasure in reading my diary. Perhaps, in the contents of the diary, there is no lack of happy descriptions, but what I have experienced, its heaviness, depression and incomprehension, as well as the subjective uncertainty and doubt that come from me, the logic and emotions that are difficult to straighten out, and the extraneous branches of various psychopaths, must be an important reason for driving the reader away.

Even so, I can't stop writing, because only these grotesque, bewildered, and indecipherable parts really depict and prove my existence. These things, for better or worse, are evidence that I was ever alive.

I, right here.

Anyway, here I am.

Even if I can't tell whether something other than "me" is real or not, and I can't simply use this "me" as a real reference, it can give me a real and alive feeling.

For this reason alone, I can't stop writing, and even if the diary is psychologically parsed and ignores what I'm really trying to say, or thinks that what I'm trying to prove is "taken for granted and don't need to care", I never want to give up on it. Stubborn behavior, and the original intention of the behavior, may be "there is no difference between having and not being" for others, or it may be "ridiculous and funny", and it may be "incomprehensible", but for oneself, it certainly has an important meaning.

When I believe in this and act on it. Those situations that are confusing and uncomfortable will become as light as a feather.

That's how I got to where I am now, and I'm going to keep going.

I munched on the barbecue and savored the deliciousness of the meat. Bite down hard. Tearing, chewing, as if this is the last day of life, the last meal, the life that should be had in the future, but may end, into such a force.

"It's delicious, Mom." I said to Dr. Nguyen Li, "It's really delicious. ”

Dr. Nguyen Le smiled slightly, but. I don't think her eyes are as happy as her smile.

Actually, I don't think she needs to be sad for me, because although I carry a lot now, I am happier than she is now. Well, there is a need for comfort. It's her, isn't it?

I forked a piece of meat. Gagged in her mouth.

"Barbecue in the morning?" I asked.

"The morning meeting said some things related to the event, because it has some competition nature, so it will take some time for the guests to sort it out." Dr. Nguyen Le said: "The barbecue is now a breeze for everyone, and the real theme of the event will start in the afternoon. In the afternoon, there will be a briefing session. Participants in the symposium are required to submit a paper in advance, which will be selected by the experts of the seminar, and then the excellent and distinctive papers will be sent to others. Because they are all invited guests. Most of them are not professional, so this kind of selection will not be too resistant.

After the selection of papers, until the end of the seminar, everyone must study the topics presented at the seminar in the morning meeting, and submit the papers again before the end of the penultimate day, and give a presentation on the last day. During the event, a visit to a psychiatric hospital will be organized, which will of course be related to the topics given, and will basically revolve around the clinical diagnosis of patients on the published list – i.e., patients like you. However, not everyone can choose the same patient, there are seven candidates on the list, and they can choose one of them, of course, the workshop encourages comprehensive discussions to find out the similarities and differences among multiple patients. ”

"Sounds like a lot of things." I say.

"Yes, a week in total." "When the invitation was first issued, it was said that it would only be three days, but for some reason, the seminar was temporarily extended. Still, for those who really want to participate in the event, doubling the time is not a problem. Expert-level guidance, collaborators, and casual use of cutting-edge equipment are all fascinating. Originally, the slogan of the symposium was to improve oneself through communication, understand the world, and find like-minded peers. People who think it's just a façade, people who don't have a serious mentality, and people who just have the idea of going abroad have basically given up after encountering those things. Those who were able to stay were those who were determined to participate in the seminar, and such people would never complain because of the extended time. ”

"But what about people who want to leave if something happens halfway?" I asked.

"Then I'm sorry, but you are not allowed to use your own mobile phone during the seminar." "Everyone was provided with a new mobile phone as standard, which was to be used during the seminar and not to be taken away after the seminar. ”

"Doesn't it feel so strict that it doesn't arouse suspicion and resentment from others?" I say.

"Of course not." Dr. Nguyen Le said meaningfully, "Because, this is the kind of place that is. And this activity is just such an activity. The restrictions are made clear in advance at the time of the invitation, and the seminar has the weight of being trusted in the psychology community. I am not a moderator of this workshop, but only because my research is more personal and most of the time, the workshop is a constraint. An organization must have its own core philosophy, and force its members to follow this philosophy, and this philosophy is not something that a few people can shake. I don't like that this kind of situation will put all kinds of restrictions on the people who join the organization. I have my own ideas, but I don't guarantee that I will follow the philosophy and direction of the organization, so it is quite appropriate to cooperate when necessary and separate when needed. Of course, in order to achieve cooperation, it is necessary to give more than the members of the organization. It just so happened that what I had was also extremely precious to them. ”

Saying this, Dr. Nguyen Li nodded his head and said, "The way of thinking of a top expert, and it is a maverick female perspective. ”

Dr. Nguyen Le is confident and proactive, but this style is very befitting to her image. I never thought there was anything strange about the confident Dr. Nguyen Lê, but if her appearance was as silent as I was, it would make people suspicious. However, even this Dr. Nguyen Le can't help but smile wryly when she talks about Claudia White and the end of the world, and those things, in her words, are "the most terrible thorns in her career, very difficult, but never afraid or desperate." ”

I felt inspired and courageous in her, and at the same time, I seemed to see Tomie's shadow. (To be continued......)