Walking through the long corridors of the patient rooms, I walked quietly. The doors of the cardiology wards of the hospital cannot be locked from the inside, and even so, most of the doors are still only hidden. This may seem like a way to make it easier for doctors and nurses to come and go in case of emergencies, but in fact there are two or three families in each ward, and everyone prefers to keep the space open.

There is a large window above the door of the ward, which is convenient for viewing from the outside. I had to look at the people inside as I walked through each room, like a doctor making rounds. I often imagine that there is also a pale face in the window opposite me when I look in, and I find it very exciting.

Only the last door was left completely open unscrupulously.

This ward is next to the toilet, and the door of the toilet is just around the corner, and the toilet took up part of the space when it was planned, so it was very small and could only be placed in one bed. Even if it's small, the key is that this room can still smell the disinfectant water in the toilet.

After staying in the hospital for a while, I found some patterns, and there are generally two types of patients who are arranged in this hut: one is those who moan and cry because of their illness, or have a bad temper and do not get along with others, so they are placed separately so as not to affect the rest of others; The second is that the patients who are dying and have no rescue value, and the family members are unwilling to add money to the care, so in order to avoid dying in the middle of the night, they are also arranged here, which can be regarded as a place of hospice care.

Combining the location and Sting's excretion theory, I call this toilet ward an excrement room. Everything in life is excretion, talent needs to be excreted, family affection needs to be excreted, love is a kind of excretion, and when you finish excretion, the world will excrete you.

The open door made me embarrassed to peep. When I came out and turned the corner, I noticed a pair of shiny things in the hut pointed at me, and it was obvious that they were a pair of eyes.

I wanted to keep going, but those eyes were so persistent, so determined, that I felt like I was being named. Suddenly realizing that the other person might need help, I stopped at the door.

This is the hospital, I haven't seen such a focused look in my hospital bed in more than a month, and I was a little overwhelmed as I stood in the doorway.

Only the patient was lying in bed, and there was no escort. We looked at each other for a few seconds before I whispered, "Do you need my help calling a doctor?" ”

I felt the other person shake his head, and I prepared to leave.

At this time, I heard a thin voice wafting from inside: "Come in." I was stunned for a moment, hesitated to stand still, and then I was sure to hear the other man say again, "Come in." ”

Standing at the head of the bed, I regretted it a little, the patient on the bed was indescribably weird.

You can only feel that she is a woman, a shriveled woman. The whole person's fat seems to have been drained, and only a layer of skin remains. And the skin is waxy and white, with a kind of waxing transparency. Her skull was disproportionately large, the green tendons on her forehead were clearly visible, and her hair was long but sparse, thin and yellow against her skin. Because the cheeks are deep, the eyes appear particularly large, and the lips become a pink slit.

She looked at me with wide eyes, and then smiled, like a white chrysanthemum: "Why don't you sleep?" ”

I couldn't tell her age, so I cautiously replied in the tone of my elders: "I'll go to bed right away and go to the toilet." ”

Since it was okay, I squeezed out a smile and planned to leave. With my superficial medical knowledge, I can also judge that she is severely malnourished, and most likely because of this cause of heart failure and other diseases, she went to the cardiology department. She didn't cry or make a fuss, but she lived alone in this room, maybe she was about to die. I'm still a little nervous when I think about it.

She shook her head and said, "I don't see you sleeping much for so many days, and you're still walking around in the middle of the night." ”

Although I sometimes like to walk around at night, I rarely go in this direction to the end, unless it is to go to the toilet, after all, the unique smell of the hospital toilet really affects the mood, thinking about every time I go to the toilet by her attention, I feel a little comfortable.

I smiled: "It's still young, it's okay to take care of the patient for two days." Why don't you sleep yet? Sleep more and get better faster. ”

She shook her head: "Then you shouldn't stay up late." I don't dare to sleep, I almost don't have blood pressure, and I may not wake up when I fall asleep. ”

I didn't know how to answer, so I looked at her and she looked at me. Although the rain and temperature are not low, she is covered with a thick quilt, and her body is so thin that she seems to have nothing in the quilt, I estimated that it is about one meter three, about half an adult.

The silence was uncomfortable, and I smiled restrainedly, intending to leave, but I was still in awe of a man who could lie quietly in the excrement room.

She shook her head suddenly, although her face was already shriveled, the expression in her eyes was richer, like an ET: "I've been imagining what it's like to be healthy and alive like you?" But I can't imagine it. I know I won't live long like this, but I'm not scared at all, I'm looking forward to it, can you understand? It was strange for her to say so many things all of a sudden, but she said it calmly, that is, her breath was unevenly controlled, and her pitch was not very good, as if she was saying something very funny.

There are too many people in the hospital who are close to death, and they are comforted by all kinds of people in various self-righteous ways every day, and I doubt the value of this kind of blind comfort, after all, everyone has no say in the matter of death, and those rambling empty words are more like disrespect to death. I don't like to talk about this kind of scene, and I didn't expect her to talk to me about such an intimate topic all of a sudden.

I smiled and didn't answer, maybe what I should do now is to coax her to calm down as soon as possible, and then go back to reading my book: "You should eat more, get yourself strong first, and don't think about these empty things." ”

She smiled, revealing her neat little white teeth: "I have accumulated strength for a long time, so now I can speak, and I am very satisfied to be able to speak." ”

Her tone was strange, as if she lacked experience in communicating with people, her tone was vague and erratic, and for a moment I thought she was not speaking to me, but to the air around her. And every word she says has a dying quality, if it weren't for the glint in her eyes, you would believe that she might not be able to catch the next breath and suddenly die. It is also a serious illness, my father is different, these days hanging cardiovascular drugs and various nutrients, the whole person is glowing red, and his complexion is better than mine.

"If you have strength, you should conserve your physical strength and actively cooperate with the doctor." I couldn't bear it and started to talk clichés.

She shook her head and sighed. Turned his head to look out the window, and then said something inexplicable: "Did you say it was really raining?" ”

A flash of lightning flashed, and I saw the brilliance in her eyes flickering and dimming, her face full of loneliness, and the green tendons on her forehead were more clearly visible.

If she had been so weak since she was a child, it was indeed unlikely that she would have experienced wind and rain, the rain was as illusory and untouchable to her as the rainbow, and the world outside the window could be unreal to her.

It's too complicated for me to spend time dwelling on.

"If you can't sleep, you can recite the numbers in your heart, or count the sheep or something, and when you feel bored and bored, you may fall asleep." I tried to enlighten her as much as possible, and I also wanted to get out as soon as possible.

She still shook her head: "I can't sleep, my blood pressure is too low." ”

"The doctor said you couldn't sleep?"

She shook her head.

I laughed: "Are you scared to sleep alone in the hospital?" ”

She laughed and shook her head again.

"Don't be afraid, I'm just reading on the bench outside, and you think that someone is outside to help you guard the door, and your heart is steady." I smiled firmly and clenched my fist on my chest to cheer her up.

She stared at me for a long time, sighed, and then whispered, "I'm not afraid, really, there are many things you won't understand." She still looked at me: "You are so good to me, I tell you a spell, you must not tell anyone, okay?" ”

I smiled, she was so lonely that she dragged me without words: "What spell?" ”

"If you are scared at night, encounter difficulties, or feel very sad in your heart, you can silently recite: Po Shan Po plays the end."

I was stunned, what is this? There was a hint of strangeness in my heart, and suddenly I didn't want to continue to talk about it, and I don't know what else to say if I continued to talk about it, I didn't want to listen to a dying person in the middle of the night, so I deliberately made a polite smile and planned to leave.

"Po Shan Po is the name of the god of the night, in the dead of night, when ghosts and thieves start to run rampant, he comes out to protect sentient beings and drive away nightmares, so in the future, when you are alone at night when you are afraid, you will silently recite: Po Shan Po plays the bottom. He will protect you, you must remember! She said everything very seriously and eagerly, and at the end of the sentence she gasped for breath, her big eyes had a sense of transparency, and she looked at me directly: "Don't tell anyone this spell!" ”

The wind and rain outside the window became louder, and through the window, you could see that the big trees downstairs were swaying violently, as if they were about to break free from the dirt and escape.

I retracted my gaze and looked at the little white man on the bed: "How old are you?" I asked her softly.

She held out two thin fingers and gestured twenty-five, "I should be a little smaller than you." ”

It was actually the same age as me, and I looked at her quietly again, not knowing what to say, and she also looked at me quietly.

I used to read a Buddhist pamphlet from my grandmother, which explained compassion, loving all living beings and giving happiness, which is called compassion. Sympathizing with their suffering, having mercy on them, and removing their suffering, is called compassion; In this early morning in this hut, I suddenly felt a sense of enlightenment. Watching this peer fall into such an illness, I realized that my previous understanding of life was still superficial, and that there was something worse than death in life.

My eyes were a little moist and I shook my head blankly.

She smiled and asked, "Why are you shaking your head?" ”

I shook my head again.