"Nope." I said, "It's just because I haven't seen him for a long time, and I miss him so much that I can't help but want to cry when I'm very high." ”

"Oh......"

I sensed something was on her mind, so I asked, "What's wrong?" Don't you remember what your aunt said, don't believe her, she said nonsense, your father didn't beat me. ”

"Oh." Strangely, she didn't grasp the question and ask, but said, "Mom, when you were young, was your grandfather kind to you?" ”

"That's good."

"Oh." She pondered for a while and said, "Is that a person afraid of his father as long as he grows up?" ”

I couldn't help but be stunned, realizing that I couldn't justify myself. After thinking about it, he said, "Mom lied to you, when Mom was young, it was difficult to see Grandpa once." ”

She blinked, clearly unable to understand. In fact, in her current world, she is quite happy, and making her feel happy is the only thing I can compensate her.

"My grandfather is always very busy, and he has a lot of children, so he doesn't live with his mother." I said, "So, in my mother's heart, my grandfather is like a stranger. Unlike your father, although he is not in good health, he still tries to accompany you as much as possible. You don't have to be afraid, it's not that you'll be afraid of your dad as long as you grow up, it's that if your dad loves you, you'll never feel afraid of him. ”

She nodded and said, "Mom? ”

"Huh?"

"Don't cry." She said: "My dad said that whoever treats me badly, I will ignore him. Since your grandfather treats you badly, then you should ignore him. ”

My throat was clogged and I couldn't speak. She stretched out her little hand again, wiped the tears on my face, and her tone became anxious: "Anyway, you live with my sisters, sisters and father now, and I will always live with you, and it doesn't matter if I don't have a grandfather." ”

It's good that she doesn't say that, but when she says that, I want to cry even more. She's five years old, and I'm going to send her away again. And this time it was actually delivered to that place that was a nightmare to me. If she's a little older, I'd love to tell her about it and let her make her own decisions, and if she's a little smaller, it can do less damage, but ......

I cried for a while before I came out of the hospital with them. Fortunately, Pu Lan didn't ask much, and I didn't explain it to him, I just told him that it was okay, and I didn't want him to know that I had broken with my adoptive father.

I thought that my adoptive father would be able to arrange a place for me, but since there was none, I listened to Pu Lan and rested at his side. Pu Lan didn't say anything, the cook made us something to eat and let us go to rest, Niannian was conquered by his cooking skills and was a little friendly to him, not to mention that she was already very tired.

I couldn't sleep well, as soon as I closed my eyes, I was doing all kinds of things, and even dreamed of the few minutes when Pu Lan lay on top of me on Chinese New Year's Eve many years ago.

The horror, helplessness and humiliation of that time are still vivid in my mind.

When I woke up, I remembered what my adoptive father had said about me, and I still felt more embarrassed than outsiders had said that. I'm also a good person, if there is still a choice, who is willing to let people not do ghosts?

In the second half of the night, I couldn't sleep at all, so I got up to drink coffee in a daze.

I sat on the terrace for a while, and suddenly I heard someone call me: "Miss Su? ”

The sound is a little far away, behind the wall, is Pulan.

I picked up the coffee cup and walked to the corner, and sure enough, I saw him poking his head out on the terrace next door, holding a cigarette between his fingertips, and said with a smile: "When I hear someone move the cup, I know it's you." ”

"I can't sleep." I asked, "Why don't you rest?" ”

"I can't sleep either." He took a puff of his cigarette and asked, "What do you want to do tomorrow?" Playing with kids? ”

"Nope." I said, "I'm not available this time, and my little daughter is so young." ”

He nodded, and said, "How do you want to arrange the children?" Did your dad agree to the placement? ”

"Promised." I didn't expect him to guess it, but that's normal: "But I'm actually a little reluctant. ”

He looked at me with a look of understanding.

"Our family understands everything, and the more this happens, the more I dare not tell her." I said, "But ......."

"I've been helping your dad find a psychiatrist." "You know, his illness was long, slow, but very torturous, and he was not only suffering physically, but also psychologically," he said. And such an important matter was handed over to me, an outsider who is not related to him, proving that there is no one around him who can reassure him. ”

I didn't speak.

"I don't know much about you, but I think if he says something harsh about you, it's probably just because it's inconvenient." "Don't be too upset," he said. ”

I shook my head and said, "I'm not upset. ”

"You've got it all written on your face." He laughed and said, "Don't worry, even if he says today that he doesn't want you anymore and tells you to fend for yourself, I won't run away immediately." ”

I felt something in his words and asked, "Did he tell you anything about my life?" ”

"Nope." He said, "But I don't think you're like those adopted sons and daughters in his heart." ”

"Because I'm married to Fanyin."

He laughed: "Just by your words, you can see that if your father divides the family property for you in the future, it must be because he is selfish towards you." ”

I asked, "Why?" ”

"The two hands of the wealthy dignitaries who married princes and nobles in the history of your Su family can't be counted, and the rich officials who propose to your sisters have long since broken the threshold of your family, and you actually think that your father thinks that you are the most capable person in the family just because you marry a gangster or a mental illness, your vision is too narrow."

"Of course I'm narrow." I said, "If you try to live on your own for seventeen years, you will be narrower than me." ”

He smiled and said, "I'm not accusing you. ”

"I understand what you mean, this is another reason why I am unhappy today, if he is my biological father, then I hate him a little." I said, "I know you know very well that I was lying to you before. He was not my biological father, and until I was seventeen, I expected him to come to see me every day, but not once. I don't even remember what he looked like, but I am grateful to him, and I don't think I would have had a chance to live without him. But if he is my real father, then I can't help but hate him, no matter what the reason, even if it is because he is sick, he has thrown me aside for seventeen years, but he has other children with him, no matter what the reason, I will not forgive him. ”

He didn't speak.

"You say that, and Fanyin says so, it's because none of you have ever lived like me." I didn't actually say these words to him, in fact, I wanted to tell my adoptive father about it, but he didn't even let me confirm this, so I was willing not to confirm it, just like I didn't want to confirm the truth of what the old man said. Even if I am reluctant, I have to admit that my life is like my name, rain, which is rootless and destined to have nowhere to come. I said, "I haven't tried to keep trying to get him to take me in, I've never dreamed that he can come and see me and say a few words to me." I always treated him as my only relative, but in fact he never came to see me, he didn't even call me. Everyone told me that he was a very good person, and that was the only one who was bad. I don't want to rely on him for anything, but many years ago, the reason why I couldn't leave Fanyin was just because I had no bottom line. I don't have a bottom line, just because I don't think it's easy for someone to love me, even if he's crazy. I think the reason why I don't feel like I'm going to be loved is because he branded me with original sin. He's not my biological father, so I don't want to blame him and I don't want to hate him. But if he was my biological father, it would be different, really different...... I won't forgive him. ”

He didn't interrupt me all the time.

I think he could hear that I was venting.

In fact, why is it not just a disease? I'm sick too. In other words, who in this world is not "sick"? Who can have no shadow in their heart at all?

After a long time, he spoke: "I still keep thinking, where am I not as good as that madman." It turned out to be losing here. ”

I knew he was joking to ease my mood, but I couldn't speak.

"It's not right for me to say that just now, indeed, for whatever purpose, your father has indirectly ruined your life like this." He said, "I won't talk to him." ”

I said, "It won't be ruined." My husband would definitely be nice to me if he wasn't sick, and he is also a good father and good to his children. It's not his own idea to be sick, and he's also a very poor person. ”

"Whoa." He suddenly looked over, "Ask you a question." ”

"Hmm."

"At the beginning...... Do you regret not choosing me? ”

I shook my head.

He looked surprised: "Why? ”

"Aside from being able to cook, you're not much better than him."

"I'm at least more normal than him."

"Not necessarily." I said, "You're so utilitarian, there's no better than him." ”

He shook his head with a smile and said, "I'm so utilitarian, I've waited for you for so many years." You are not happy to say that you have a narrow vision, and you always think of people as simple. ”

I couldn't help but look at him, but I couldn't speak.

He glanced at me and asked, "What?" ”

"Nothing." I said, "Do I have any other virtues besides being stupid?" ”

"Beautiful."

"What else?"

"It's gone." He said: "I don't know if it's good or not, I'll talk about it when I try it." ”

I didn't speak.

"Angry?" He laughed: "You are kind, cute, intelligent, educated and tolerant. I'll admit, I did have a crush on your family at first, but I guessed that you weren't favored. But that didn't affect my desire to marry you back home, but unfortunately, you never wanted to be with me for a moment. ”