Inhaling the air that had been forgotten in the last second, I exhaled a haha that told me that it was winter, and that yesterday I was dating in white ripped jeans, but today I felt my thighs stiffly moving forward, and the skin at the hole had lost sensation.

When I passed by the door of the nightclub, I saw three ladyboys with heavy makeup and looking very charming, leaning on the right side of the door and smoking elegantly.

But they are men by nature after all, and they wear thin flesh stockings but do not show any signs of chills, which makes me secretly curse in my heart how God was so unfair when he created man, and what is even more unfair is why he didn't give them a body of their own, so that they can enjoy sex better.

When I looked up, I found that there was no sun today, and the dark clouds covered with clear clouds seemed to praise the light and should belong to the darkness, and this kind of shroud made people feel very sad from the heart.

When I passed by the hotel, I smiled at the couple with the smiles on their faces, laughing that yesterday's date was more like a funeral, although the metaphor is not vivid, but the feeling of loneliness is nothing more than that.

The crowd that gradually disappeared and was anxious to hide in a warm place made the street gradually deserted, and at this moment there should be an atmosphere to shoot a pessimistic drama, the protagonists are me and you who have broken up.

When I wasn't in love, I saw the word "breakup" in a book, and I thought it was incredible. It wasn't until the evening self-study that I saw a couple who often showed off at school fighting behind the woods, and the woman was slapped under the man, and the sobbing cry made the originally calm night seem a little more depressing. Being young is supposed to be like that, everything happens without warning.

At that time, there was a very beautiful friend sitting at the same table, and I had a crush on her but did not dare to confess to her, feeling that she was the kind that could only be watched from a distance and could not be easily reached. She always focused on her studies, and didn't put her feelings in the balance position, otherwise a whole school of boys would have surrendered to the little feet of No. 35. It's a little good to be with people who study well, and all my homework can be copied with confidence, which gives me extra time to write lyrics, and the amount of creativity at that time is really powerful, and I can write at least three lyrics a day. From the smooth sentence at the beginning, to the later learning to rhyme, to the end directly and deliberately imitating some of the latest pop songs. Although there weren't too many emotions in my mind at the time, the classic lines in idol dramas made me cry over and over again, and the formation of these words made my beautiful table mate feel magical, and even had some adoring eyes, which made my long-admired vanity feel greatly satisfied.

The name of the tablemate is Lin Yerong, I once asked her if she likes the night? She said that she was very afraid of the dark, and always had to cover the quilt when she slept alone at night, only exposing her small nose to breathe. It felt like there would always be a pair of eyes staring at her behind her in the dark, even if the lights in the whole room were turned on. When lying on the balcony and looking out the window through the glass, the room illuminated by one light does not look like a warm decoration, but the falling stars are consuming their last residual warmth in loneliness.

When Lin Yerong and I leaned against the window to talk, the crowd in the playground was moving towards the school gate lively, always chattering and talking about endless topics. I wanted to try to find a trace of overlapping figures that had moved and overlapped in the empty campus where the crowd had dissipated, and what was left for me was the oblique figure of Lin Yerong turning around without saying goodbye.

I hurriedly chased after him and asked, "What if one day there is not a single star in the night sky to illuminate the earth?" ”

Lin Yerong didn't turn around to look at me, she just shook her scattered hair, she always likes this, and I also like her action, the fragrance of hair penetrating the air is really charming, it should be the smell of the ocean, although I haven't been to see the sea until now, but behind Lin Yerong, I imagined a pool of pink and clear ocean with a hundred meters of clarity.

She said, "If there is a time, it must be God's eyes that are blind, and if its eyes are blind, what reason do we have to exist?" ”

I looked at her with a complicated expression, thinking to myself, God is still alive for years, and there are no bad signs, let alone a God who doesn't exist at all.

Lin Yerong looked back at me seriously and said, "I believe that at that time, there will be someone who feels sorry for me, holding me firmly in his arms and giving me all the sense of security." ”

After speaking, he stretched out his hand to help me tidy up the messy corners of my clothes, and said that you don't know how to look at the expression, which made me feel like a child who didn't understand anything.

Although writing lyrics gives me a lot of fun in my life and gradually enriches my emotions, that cynical attitude is engraved in my bones, and I can always think of different ways to make other girls happy, but when facing Lin Yerong, I am always very timid, afraid that I will make her unhappy if I say something wrong. And Lin Yerong's existence always allows me to calm down and think about my future life, after all, I am an eighteen-year-old child, and if I want to break my head, I can only deposit it in the beautiful dream I weave. Although my dream at that time was very light and could float with the wind, the circle was too small, and I could only wander on the road that kept circulating.

What can be remembered is what you want to forget. Everything is changing, not to mention our faces, even the campus that I thought would last forever has long since been replaced by a new hypermarket. I knew that it was not that I was too naïve at that time, but that the passage of night made me lose the courage to turn around, and I was afraid that if I didn't put my mind down, I would be swept to the ground by the torrent pushed by the years.

Thinking is a strange thing indeed, and it can show you another wonderful world, which is known to everyone through cinematic images. Close your eyes, everyone has such a world, you don't believe in yourself, don't dare to open it, and fix yourself in the original memory.

Lin Yerong has been stained with fresh paint in my eighteen-year-old memory, as if I was in love, and the sweetness of that time can never be relived now, and those paints are gradually accumulating, I am afraid that one day that space will be filled, and at that time, it should be when I go to her wedding.

Last night, I was poured too much wine by a few colleagues in turn, and I forgot how to come back in the end, and there were several calls coming in halfway, and I kept pressing the red to hang up, and finally threw the phone directly on the ground and lost consciousness. Then I woke up and it was already noon, crawled on the bed and tried to stretch my arms, and finally reached the phone, and found that the screen was broken, and it was Xiaoxuan who called.

I haven't been in touch for a long time, and I can't think of what she called me for, so I opened WeChat and asked her what was wrong.

In the middle of the ring, she came back, Feng Caixue died, and she died from an abortion last night.

Some of my dizzy heads woke up instantly, and emotions such as shock, doubt, sadness, and frustration were like melodies, and my pupils saw that there were earthworm-like three-dimensional objects surging in the air.

Feng Caixue is the class flower of primary school, very beautiful, at that time I was still on my clothes and touched her breasts, she was so angry that she directly tore off my homework book, but she didn't tell the teacher.

I always thought that a woman who looks like a drifter will be the focus wherever she goes, spoiled by all men, envied by all women, and then as I grew older, I naturally experienced more, and I saw too many beautiful girls serving all kinds of men, but this kind of girl is a stranger after all, after all, she is just a venter after a night, Feng Caixue is different, she is my six years of primary school and grew up with each other.

Holding the broken screen of the mobile phone in my hand, the edge seal of the fine glass has pierced the skin with the palm prints, and there is blood flowing out, but I don't feel pain, discomfort is the best painkiller, it has indeed been suppressed.

In the cracks of the curtains, I saw snowflakes falling non-stop, and the air-conditioned room made me feel like I was in summer, out of place, only separated by a layer of glass, and we were not so close to death.

I've forgotten to reply to WeChat.,Maybe Xiaoxuan on the other side is even more sad than me.,The two of them have been playing since childhood.,I don't think it's right to reply to her.。

You really don't know when you're going to meet someone in your address book, so you don't know when to get in touch. When I wanted to hear her voice one day, I found that it was already a shutdown, and it turned out that it was so simple to miss a person's life.

As for death, no matter what its identity is, it may be said to be a relief.

There are many times when driving on the high speed in a car, there will be a hallucination, the next second I will hit the fence on the left side, the car parts will be smashed by the force of the impact, and I have never thought of what the result is, but I usually do not happen to me.

I found out when I was twenty-three years old, I am not a very optimistic person, on the contrary, I often struggle for a long time because of a small thing, and if the final result deviates from the development result I wanted, I will continue to struggle with it.

It's not good, even I know it, but I just can't change it.

It's not bad to have a time to fall out of love, at least that's what I thought when the breakup happened to Lin Yerong.

She called me out and cried and said that I knew her best, and to be honest, I was a little happy mixed with her comforting words, because only after the person who loved her the most could she have time to talk to me.

Talking about how the other party hurt himself, saying why the other party suddenly didn't love himself, saying that he was more pitiful than an ugly duckling, what else can he do if he is cute.

As we grew up with each other, I kept witnessing her relationships, and wondered if she would contact me again if I said the words I liked you. Maybe in her eyes, friends are the most loyal.

There is already a sea of snow outside, this season, it is really suitable for the existence of the word romance, the smiles on the faces of passers-by are very sincere, pulling each other through warm gloves, and the warmth felt may be more deeply rooted in the hearts of the people than the blazing summer.

I once wrote a paragraph that said that the separation is separated, so don't insert the reason to let one person bear the pain, it's not that the reason you said is high-sounding, it's that the other party is too lazy to pursue it. Now I think this sentence is not written smoothly, all the reasons in love are mixed with unfairness, and too fair love is not real.

Lin Yerong also seemed to be tired of crying, leaning on my shoulders in a down jacket with a side face, her hands firmly crossed over her chest, her breathing was a little short, and her tears had already wet her makeup.

In fact, sometimes I am also curious, how many tragedies I have to go through in life in exchange for a comedy, and life after the meeting tells me that feelings will not be compromised, and it is not necessarily a good thing to adapt early, get married early, and talk about all experiences early.

Later, Lin Yerong went to Paris alone, and called me at three o'clock in the morning and said something inexplicable.

She said: "Remember not to turn around easily when you are tired in the future, that will only make you more tired or even tired, I have expected all this in my heart to come, but I didn't expect it to be so fast, obviously I was still talking and laughing the night before." ”

She said: "The atrium that has been armed for a long time is waiting for him to finally say to stay away." In fact, it's normal, you don't have to feel sorry, you will feel tired of eating too much food that you rely on for survival, not to mention the feelings that you have long had nothing to say. ”

I hadn't slept yet, rubbing my panda eyes and writing in front of the computer, and her literary feelings made me a little uncomfortable. After a pause, he took a sip of freshly brewed coffee and said, "Actually, you are all wrong, so let's think you are growing." It's like finding the same resonance as the author in a certain book, laughing, crying, and then trying to understand the author from Baidu after the fact, with some admiration, but no one understands the loneliness behind it, who will care about the unknown scene. In the end, only you alone know what is going on, and I don't mean to say that you mean to win sympathy, but you should really talk about the steps of these transformations and moving forward, not the reflection of continuing to retreat. Look at me, how many times have I been tricked by all women, and it's not good yet, do you want us to be together now and let you trick me hard. ”

Lin Yerong, I really want to share a favorite song with you at this time, but I'm afraid that what you think of after listening to it is not me, self-deception is like this, you have never had me in your heart.

Sometimes I really just want to simply follow my heart, but I find that it is really difficult, and the human heart is the most incomprehensible.

I used to be really content, and I could get rid of it with a little benefit, but now standing at the crossroads of Sanlitun in Beijing, I can see only my own expanding desires and the already dark heart floating above my head. On this steel building piled up by so-called luxury, how many people are smiling behind their backs and looking down on the crowd, there are countless people, leaving behind the incessant compilation of deceptions that continue to multiply. They are proud, never with the slightest evidence of forgiveness, just an insignificant corner of the world, and how much of a rising horizon is preparing for a fatal blow to the goal of a given game.

In the transparent information age, only communication is needed to buy all of a person's information with money, it is like a giant beast that is gradually developing, constantly growing, devouring rapidly, and finally waiting for the mercy of ruthless people, what role the law plays at this time, I am still very curious. Is it because my mind is too dirty, or because I didn't exhaust my mind when I was assimilated?

I want to see through my life at a glance.

And these question marks may not be answered until the day I am buried, but the operation model of this world is like this, there is no deception where to squander, I only hope that my future life can be vulgar, small, and humble.

Most of the time I walk alone on the street, and when I see the beautiful eyes, I will disappear with them, and when I see the sloppy, I quickly avoid it, and judge others like this, but I never understand what role I play in the eyes of passers-by.

After falling out of love, Lin Yerong never fell in love again, and spent a lot of time with me, the kind of close friends. When we often drove back to school for half a day on the weekend, we often passed by the street, and we walked forward silently without saying a word, as if this was the happiest way for the two to communicate.

The aunt who sold beef noodles next to her stared at the two of us for a long time, until the boiling hot water hit her fingertips, and then she hurriedly picked up the noodles pressed on the right side and put them in the pot.

That night after self-study class, Lin Yerong and I would often come out of the back door of the campus and trot a kilometer here to eat a bowl of noodles with eggs. The proprietress is also very generous, although she wants a small portion, but the amount given is almost close to the large portion, I proudly said to Lin Yerong while eating about the future bragging, and the proprietress is generally smiling and listening, and from time to time she also interjects a sentence I am optimistic about you and the like, in fact, I can see that her expression is very similar to my mother's perfunctory expression to me, but who doesn't like to be praised by others.

There are a lot of wild dogs here, and I often encounter them on the way back, and every time I meet one, I will say that Lin Yerong screamed in fright, and didn't dare to move in place, in fact, I was also afraid that it would bite me, so I tried not to provoke it, just walked in front of Lin Yerong, carefully covered her eyes with one hand, and patted her back with the other hand, and the two slowly moved forward, knowing that they couldn't hear the dog's gasp before they were relieved.

I went on the day of Feng Caixue's burial, and for the first time I felt the atmosphere of a white-haired person sending a black-haired person naked, I never felt that I was a soft-hearted person, but I saw her mother sitting on the ground and crying, her eyes were swollen, her clothes were wrinkled, and her voice was hoarse, I watched, just looking at the tears and falling unconsciously.

Feng Caixue once said something to me, she said that they are bitches who are not suitable for love at all, she can obviously feel that her love is very light, as long as there is a little pressure, she will be crushed to the ground, only the most real people deserve to have, people like them, no matter how miserable the final result is, they all deserve it.

I know that she has experienced too many tragic comedies, and what made her change was not the so-called pressure, but that she should not have broken into the circle that was penetrated by darkness in the first place.

I have been sitting on the floor of Feng Caixue's room since I finished eating with Xiaoxuan that day, I am holding a bottle of liquor that is about to bottom, how many cigarettes Xiaoxuan smoked, I can't count, the ash has already made her black stockings gray and white.

She asked me with a distracted eye: "What do you say Xuexue and her parents should do in the future, they have raised a child like her for more than 20 years, and now they are gone, if it were me, I really would even have the heart to die." ”

Speechless, not knowing how to answer or comfort, I took the cigarette from her hand and took a hard puff, the smoke blurring my eyes.

She continued: "I have persuaded her many times, she thinks that I am talking nonsense, she thinks that she is independent, what the fucking truth is told by this society to untrained children, since she knows all this clearly, why do she want to jump into the fire pit, should life be so uncherished?" ”

I didn't want her to say any more, so I stood up and patted the dust on my body, my head that had been paralyzed by alcohol made me fall to the ground in my hands again, and I turned my head weakly to look at Xiaoxuan, and said with difficulty: "Frankly speaking, I don't know what perspective to look at this era from, it feels like returning to the primitive barbaric and unreasonable era." Do you know what nihilism is? It feels like we're young people who are stuck in it and can't extricate themselves, and many things have become meaningless, and it's hard for me to even deny that what Xue Xue did was wrong. Is it necessarily right to live a fixed daily life like ours, silently waiting for death to come? No, nothing. ”

After hearing this, Xiao Xuan raised her arm and punched me in the left chest, and blurted out a scolding: "Chen Xuguang, I ask you not to use that stinky literature and art to make a fuss, the current situation Xiaoxue can't open her eyes anymore, don't you feel that you are hypocritical when you say this!" ”

Am I wrong? I thought about it for a long time but couldn't come up with an answer. To be honest, I feel that life in the world is really boring, how to define right and wrong, I really can't figure it out, I just know that Feng Caixue will never appear in our sight again.

I'm afraid that one day I'll end up like Feng Caixue.

Sometimes I also want to find a faith, but there are too many vains condensed in the dark night and arrogant, which makes people feel very confused, and the dawn corresponds to never forgetting, and arrogance corresponds to surrender.

Spread out your palms and really want to surrender to this world.

I talked to Lin Yerong about this topic, and that night we walked in the Communication University, holding milk tea with residual warmth in our hands. Lin Yerong stretched out her hand and touched my cheeks that were red from the cold, and she said: "There are some things that we can't stop from happening, and it's not right for you to use your own worldview to persuade others, so how can you let others understand deeply?" Just like your friend's death, we don't have the power to distort a person's mind, because in her realm, there is nothing wrong. ”

The moonlight slammed down on us with the dry branches, and I felt a lot more decadent at this moment, and I wondered if I was lost in order to gradually make people see clearly, or to learn to lose my memory.

During the Chinese New Year, I went to a high school party, and a large group of people met in the most luxurious hotel in Shijiazhuang, and the owner of the hotel was the father of our classmate. complimented each other, chatted for a long time, and couldn't find the wanton work when they were on campus, the work of work, the marriage of marriage, the birth of a baby, all they could hear was the so-called life.

As she spoke, she heard a cry, it was from Xiaoyue, we all looked at her, she cried louder, choked up and said: "We don't seem to be able to get back the seriousness we had at the beginning, we have all changed, I have all begun to imagine the scene where all the children call me aunt one day, I am afraid." ”

Everyone was silent, until the waiter pushed open the door to serve us food, and Lao Zhao, who had an active personality, felt that he stood up and beckoned everyone to eat, drink, and unload all the shelves today, and we were all the same bastard class 7 as before.

Everyone poured the wine in the glass into their throats together, and no one pretended to be a grandson.

Lin Yerong came over and said to me seriously: "I believe that in ten years, no matter what everyone becomes, no matter how far away they are, they will come to this appointment." ”

I looked at Lin Yerong with light makeup, so close, the familiar scent of hair came into my nostrils, and nodded affirmatively: "It will definitely be." ”

In fact, what I hesitated in my heart, for no reason, was a subconscious feeling.

That night, Xiaofeng drank a lot, and knelt directly on the ground and hugged Xiaoyue's thighs, telling the love words that he would have time to say in person.

Lao Jiang drank too much, and went straight out on the street to get drunk and go crazy. Xiao Su drank too much, took off his pants and peed on the monitoring ground, and raised his middle finger at the camera.

I didn't drink too much, but I pretended to drink it, leaned on Lin Yerong's body and asked in a whisper, "Have you ever liked me?" ”

Lin Yerong touched my hair and replied, "If we are friends, we will be together for the rest of our lives." ”

I was silent, got up and walked out into the night, knowing that this was the last time I fell out of love with her.

In the last month of graduating from high school, Lin Yerong and I often climbed to the top of the school building, stood behind a shoulder-high fence, felt the breeze blowing through the corners of our clothes, and imagined that we were the masters of this school, and that the only thing that could judge us was God who was high above, and God had been sleeping for thousands of years.

And I seem to have always underestimated the vision of the myopic eye, and I have secretly been on the iron fence to go down Lin Yerong, I want to be with you a few fonts, so it is not too conspicuous, but as long as the focus of the pupil is slightly crossed, it can be clearly seen. I always expected Lin Yerong to take a look, and then asked me in surprise how someone would have such a crush on her, and she didn't find out until the day she finally left the campus. I don't know if she's pretending or pretending.

The disappearance of some fate is not because of missing, but it is not the fate you think at all, because fate requires two people to nod together.

I have the courage to wait, but I don't have the courage to see you face the trivial things in life alone every day, it shouldn't be fulfillment, but really tired.

For a while, I focused on writing, making it a second career in my life, and watching the formation of a partial article filled my heart with a sense of expansion. Many writers seem to write late at night until the early hours of the morning, but I, on the contrary, only have plenty of inspiration when I work during the day. For a while, I often went to the bar with my notebook, smelled the perfume of long-legged beauties and wrote, and the words I wrote were all lewd, comparable to European and American hip-hop lyrics. In the end, the lower body couldn't help it, and was led by the beauty to the private room.

It's good for a woman to be beautiful, and when she meets the man she likes, she can go up and throw a wink and get it in her pocket, on the contrary, a man does it like a dick.

When I was in college, I met a girl I particularly liked on the bus, but I was timid at the time, so I stared at her all the way, and there was always a voice in my heart urging me to go forward and ask for a phone number, but I felt that my legs were like being hung on a jack pendant, and I didn't dare to move easily until I got to my destination, and I quickly followed, following obscenely behind, and now I can feel the kind of special stupid obscenity, and my neck is stiff and stretched forward, His eyes were firmly fixed for fear of accidentally losing him, forgetting to turn a few corners, passing a few traffic lights, secretly stopping behind how many times, and finally seeing him take someone else's man's hand with his own eyes. At that moment, I felt that my world was collapsing, just like the scene in the movie when the protagonist faints, the crowd starts to spin, and his legs become weak, but fortunately he didn't fall directly to the ground.

The moment you pass side by side with others, there are many regressions that have not yet stepped into the footprints that are crossing.

Familiar fate is not because of the face, the size of the step is not because of familiarity, and the moment I want to kiss is not because I love you. There are too many unknowns in life, and many times there may be no reason to explain them, and it is enough to experience short-term encounters with feelings. There may be times when you choose to deceive yourself because you can't hold on to it, and there's nothing wrong with that, it's time that time will tell you that it's wrong in the end.

I often wandered around the street with half a bottle of vodka without a cap in my left hand when I was drunk, trying to have a good conversation with myself, but watching the neon lights stain my white shoes in different colors, I realized how self-conscious I was.

Xiaoyue also said something on the night of the party, she said: "Our old classmates are greeting us every time we meet that we are old again, and it is true, we can't find the old self and that dream." You see how well I'm doing, my rich husband can let me have everything materially, from small mobile phones and bags to big houses and cars, all of which are the latest and even limited editions. But sometimes I feel very pitiful, I'm already married, and no matter how much I show off, these things are numb. I didn't feel like I was just starting to take it, I went to the mall every day, and I ate in those star-rated hotels every day, and the waiters probably felt disgusting when they saw me, three hundred and sixty-five days a year, I felt mentally empty for three hundred days, and even a little depressed. I'm not afraid of your jokes when I say it, I can see my husband covered with marks left by other women's nails many times. We both thought of living a different life in the future, but in the end, we didn't all follow in each other's footsteps. ”

When you paint expensive nail polish, you reveal vanity, and when you go shopping in carnal stockings, you reveal your soul.

The reason why the rose never withers is because of fiction, and the reason why desire rushes above the clouds is because of instinct.

There are different ways of living, different things that you have, and some things really can't be replicated.

Many plots in life are told by a third party, and no one knows whether it is fiction or reality, or whether it is regarded as a time node for reference only. Sometimes I really feel that my circle is really small, there are always only the same few people staying in different time periods, although my heart is very resistant to such a life, but I am powerless to resist, and appearing in different spaces means that a node has passed away, even if I don't choose to forget, I will be ruthlessly cut off by the edge of the next node.

In the past, I always imagined in different spatial points that I could be happy with Lin Yerong in the future, but now it is getting farther and farther away from the fantasy time period, and it feels like playing against myself, refusing to let either side occupy a disadvantage, and the final result is not an equal score, but a lose-lose situation.

Every time I listen to Chen Yanyun's "Waiting for a Person to Grow Old", I can feel my senses trembling with the output of each note. It makes me feel that waiting for someone for so many years is worth it, although it will make people feel very funny when it is told as a story, but it is really simple in the hearts of the parties, this is my life, and it is enough for me to be happy.

But in the face of a constantly changing life, I could only choose to compromise and choose to hypnotize myself.

No matter how depressed my inner world is, life must go on as always, and every day at noon, I will squint on the twenty-seven-story balcony for a while, trying to evaporate all the gloom in my body.

It has been two or five years since the beginning, there are no achievements worth talking about, everything is mediocre, real, and down-to-earth, but this society does not need such people. This rhythm has made me a relatively lazy guy, as if as long as I can watch my favorite variety shows every day and eat delicious food that makes my taste buds laugh, it is already the greatest contentment.

I've tried to get myself back on track with my wishes, but I've become an addiction that is hard to quit when I can take my time to enjoy the scenery along the way, like what I can only touch with my own hands and see with my own eyes is the most real.

In fact, life in Beijing is not as busy as public opinion says, I often spend my weekends to attend various industry conferences to enrich myself, by the way, I exercise my introverted personality, and in my spare time I will always drive from Chaoyang District to Haidian District to find Lin Yerong to spend time. And her weekends are relatively simple, take care of the plants at home alone, pull up the curtains and watch the American drama of fist to meat, and occasionally compare themselves to a circle, when I go to find her, she will spend an afternoon alone to study the strange regional dishes I see on Baidu, very strange, she is not unpalatable every time she stir-fried, but I can't say what is good, in summary, it is much better than I cook instant noodles. She lives on the second floor of a bachelor's apartment, which is so large that the sunlight shines in at a soft angle, so much so that I think the seemingly clean living room can be seen floating in the air with dust in the MV shot when I shoot it blindly twice with sofa cushions.

At this time, I always have the illusion that we are a couple who have been married for a long time. But the corner of my clothes that I couldn't touch told me that it was just your illusion.

Reach back and touch the memory, you can feel the temperature, through the initial connection point, if this is the final hole card.

In the early hours of the morning, I would take a bottle of vodka from the wine cabinet and sit on the stall near the balcony and taste it myself. But I don't really know how to drink, I always cough unconsciously when I take the first sip, although the vodka I drank before this can fill a wine cabinet, but I have never been able to get used to the taste, so I always want to try to adapt, try to get used to it, and I have never been so obsessed with one thing.

Because there are things on the mind, all insomnia, and alcohol is the happiest sleeping pill.

I know that in the eyes of many people, I am nothing at all, and I also know that the person who can be seriously pretended in everyone's heart is too small, so I will indirectly forget, I know everything, but I don't know how to convince myself.

I think of the first time I drank foreign alcohol at a bar, and I felt that I was so powerful, I drank until I lost consciousness and lay on the ground, and the next day I was on a drip in the hospital, and I don't know when I will completely forget this scene.

I've forgotten the feeling of tasting the first sip of the drink, but I've remembered the person I never wanted to forget by spilling the glass down my throat.

Is this youth? When I called Lin Yerong, she was writing a business plan.

She said: "You usually always think too much about things that are meaningless to reality, maybe these things are of great help to your writing, you can not bring the time to life, what you write is always so sad, why can't you look at the world from a different angle, write something warm to the heart, you don't have the ability to tease the world, but you have the ability to warm the world." Before she could finish speaking, I hung up the phone, I hate to hear these big truths the most, maybe youth is used for slimness.

At this time, I suddenly thought of the music teacher in junior high school, she must be the most beautiful goddess when I was young, more than ten years have passed, and I can clearly draw her outline when I close my eyes. At that time, the first song I taught us was Xue Zhiqian's "Serious Snow", a group of us children sat in the multimedia classroom and watched the MV of this song, I just thought that the picture described in this song was very beautiful, and the content of the lyrics was completely incomprehensible, but she was listening carefully with her eyes closed, as if there were tears left, but in an instant, she wiped it off with the back of her hand. The other students didn't see it because they kept watching the MV, and only I kept staring at her.

Within two years, I heard that she was married, with a civil servant, and after marriage, she became a full-time wife at home, and I never saw her again. It's just that now that I think about it, I feel very sorry for her, with her appearance and singing voice, she really shouldn't have just finished this life like that, but compared with herself, it seems that it is nothing more than that, and she has to choose a path that others feel very far away and her family does not agree with at all. But it's not a mistake, it's about respecting and pursuing your choices, and I've consoled myself with that countless times.

After the last glass of vodka, I threw the glass bottle against the wall in my sight, and the bottle shattered beyond recognition.

The winter night was very deep, the heat from the air conditioner hit my right shoulder, and my left shoulder was shivering a little from the slightly open window, and my consciousness was already very blurry, but I stayed where I was, refusing to move, refusing to close my eyes that were so wide that I was trying to keep them open. What are you waiting for, the living room without the lights only the glimmer of neon lights outside, what are you listening to, is it blowing in from the left? Or is it exhaled from the right side?

Perhaps this is the most simple thought of human beings, like a dream, as if gradually forgotten at this moment, I am glad that the innate absurdity comes from the true mirror image of the heart, I don't need anyone to award me a medal at the end, as long as there is a glimmer of starlight to escort me, it is my last desire.

I can think that one day Lin Yerong will get married one day, but I can't think of how to continue to be friends with her at that time, it's not that I think too much, but some things will definitely have to be faced at that time, facing her husband, facing her bag, facing me used to like her so much.

Constantly shuttling through the wind flow of high-speed black holes, constantly advancing but never grasping time, how many characters with completely different personalities from me are staring at the lost in front of me in this corner of the world.

My inspiration never appears in the dark night, once Brother Ming and I went camping in the mountains, that kind of quiet, I really felt the horror of being alone. It was summer, but there was no insect chirping around, and through the thin layer of tents, I thought I saw a glimmer of light outside, like a firefly, but when I opened the tent, I saw only the darkness of the moonlight. I'm an atheist, and I don't believe that there is anything beyond the scope of knowledge in this world, but I'm afraid of ghosts, maybe there's something wrong in my heart.

I woke up Brother Ming, he laughed at me, but he didn't choose to abandon me, the two of us lit a fire, listened to the crackling sound of the firewood burning, and looked at the dust that kept drifting above the fire, the two of us chose to be silent and didn't take the initiative to talk to each other. Until the flames burned out, I suddenly woke up a sleeping crow next to me, causing it to cry in disgust.

Brother Ming kicked me and yelled, "What is your ghost's name, I'm scared to death." ”

I turned my head to stare at him instantly, startling him so much that my subconscious body fell backwards to the ground.

I said excitedly, "Do you think of anything as you watch the flames go from soft to vigorous to weak?" ”

Brother Ming was frightened by me and replied: "What? ”

I said, "I saw Jesus' face when he died, his body was painful when he died, but his smile was sincere, and he was happy to leave the world at the height of his fire." ”

As soon as my words began, Brother Ming got up and ran to the tent, screaming that I was possessed by a ghost.

The sky was clear in July, but it couldn't resist the shade in the woods.

Maybe it was just a moment, maybe it was just my imagination, I seemed to see through my own life. Like those who are religious, they are not the attachments we see in our hearts, but the last shred of kindness we have for the world.

But in fact, no matter what I thought at the time, as the dawn broke, I would forget that no one can escape the unexpected and spread to a lifetime, which is the most cruel extension of the time node left to us. And in the end, when we are old and wake up to everything, we realize that all we can do is to complete the countdown with our eyes closed.

Not everything comes to mind all of a sudden, just as I never deny that I am intoxicated with physical lingering.

Feelings are feelings, sex is sex, and my loyalty to feelings does not mean that it is the same for facing my own desires. I really like the way American music expresses sexuality, and I think it's very exciting. I have always felt that sex is a form of life, just like eating and drinking, it cannot be said that you cannot live without sex, but you will definitely lose your passion without sex.

In fact, there have been many girls around me, after the sun rises, the corners of their mouths are lowered, politely say goodbye, and forget about it after an hour, I don't feel that there is anything worth missing, like a broken love after drinking.

Men are lustful, it depends on whether you have capital for this, it's not that Wang Sicong is called awesome if he changes his daughter once every few days, and if you change his daughter once every few months, he is called inspecific. Just like the long-legged beauty in stockings, people are not short of money, they have N times more money than me, people just regard the time as an experience of life, while you enjoy it, people enjoy it more than you.

In fact, many books describe the views on sexuality, and I would say that it is enough to be true to your desires. No one will pay for your mistakes, but no one will pay for your youth.

Friends have said that I am perfunctory every time I hold up my glass, because I feel that I dare to express it, and you, as a man, dare to say that under the condition of capital, you will not try different flesh? If you dare, I'll laugh at you from the bottom of my heart.

It's not that you like the city, but that you get used to it.

Recently, the circle of friends has been talking about the city you live in now? Everyone's answer is different, but most people say they like it, and more people say they get used to it.

Indeed, there must be something in a certain city that attracts you, and you guess pack your backpack and come here passionately despite the opposition of the people around you.

In the end, no matter how mixed it is, if it is not for irresistible reasons, I usually won't come to open it, I am used to the way of life here, and if I suddenly want to go to another city, I will face too many unknowns.

I can't tell you what I like about Beijing, but I don't know where I'll go without it, even if I know that in the end I won't be able to survive in this city for long.

When I was in my early twenties, I came to Beijing alone, and I was very fortunate to meet Mr. He, a music producer, who gave me the opportunity to establish myself in Beijing. It seems that we haven't been in touch for a long time, but if I think of Beijing again after returning to Shijiazhuang in the future, the first person I think of must be him.

After two years in Beijing, when I looked back at the traces left by time, I found that everything was very vague.

I can't see clearly, I can't see in the still space that gradually continues.

It's like walking out of the subway every now and then, thinking about not where I'm going, but why I'm going there.

Weekends are always about squandering, not trying to learn something, and although I set a goal for myself for the weekend every Monday morning, I just want to be happy with my potential as the time progresses. When I threw away my original Samsung laptop and replaced it with an Apple notebook, when I thought that I could buy an Apple notebook to study, but now it is just for entertainment, I can feel that my youth is quickly writing the countdown.

When you have something you have been looking forward to for a long time, you will find that vanity is not for yourself, but for the long-awaited show-off.

I can't think of a week before I feel like I'm getting tired of it.

Lin Yerong sent a message to ask me, saying when I would be able to see the book you wrote, I thought about it for a long time and replied, maybe it is impossible in this life. Although I also want to publish tens of thousands of copies to sell, I always hesitate whether I can really do it.

In the evening, we met to go to Happy Valley to play, I like to see her childlike smile, this is the place where I can see the most, I can clearly remember that I have brought several girls here, including their names and looks, at that time, my mind was all about when to go to bed, when to break up, I was very bad, so bad that I didn't know what kind of words to use, what kind of action, what kind of kissing skills if I wanted to kiss Lin Yerong. Although I know that I am no longer the immature child who is so young, I really don't have the slightest impure thoughts about her, and even hugs feel very luxurious.

I experienced all her emotions, but I didn't dare to write a story about her, I was afraid that I was crying when I wrote it, I was afraid that she would be sad if she had the opportunity to see it in the future, I was even more afraid that these things would be known by people in our circle of friends, it was enough to leave these stories in my own world, and I would keep them well.

On Weibo, I can always see the blog posts of some vulgar people like me, who are very helpless and use terrible words, what bitch, mistress, and slut to vent. In fact, an ordinary person's Weibo does not have a few followers at all, and the few people who are followed don't know where they are in China.

Many people don't want to write in the memo, only they can see it, and the text posted is not completely closed, so it is indeed a good platform to vent.

Whenever I see these inadvertently, I will think for a long time to write a comforting word, I don't know if there is a little comfort to the other party who doesn't know how many kilometers away, but I will really read those words, inexplicably heartache a person, I know how confused she is now, if you can inadvertently spread a little power, it is also a kind of greatest comfort to yourself.

You don't have the ability to comfort a wounded soul with just a few dozen words, just like you can't even heal yourself, you think that everyone doesn't understand you, but have you really understood yourself? You don't understand, you don't understand anything, even if your nostrils are rapidly opening when you're writing this now, and tears are about to break through your eyes.

I didn't think about finding any far-fetched reasons, after all, this is the most real me, and I may never be able to truly understand myself. Even if you don't think you want to have much, you don't want to know much, anyway, you feel that what you want is a luxury.

Zhang Ailing said: "The car of the times is roaring forward, we sit in the car, passing by maybe just a few familiar streets, but in the fire in the sky, we are also thrilled." It's a pity that we are too busy looking for our own shadow in the fleeting shop window—we only see our own pale face, our selfishness and emptiness, our shameless stupidity. It's the same for everyone, and each of us is alone. ”

But in fact, I've been trying to deny this passage, in the past, I became very full every day, I would go to various parties after work, if there was really no one with me, I would go to the bar to hook up with the girl, but now I look back at the strings of shadows that I have walked in the past, and I find that I am really pitiful, squandering time every day, but age will not surrender easily, I really just want to live the same life as my parents, but I really don't understand why it always backfires now.

I dreamed that when I was old, I was lying on the terrace with my lover basking in the sun, next to two children playing puzzles, was it happiness, and I now wanted to travel through time to enjoy that happiness, even if it was at the cost of a dying life.

I will forget everything, including the person I feel is the most important person in my life now.

I just hope that I'm happy at the end before I forget all this, and when my eyes blur my vision, it's my smile that goes up from my mouth.

I may never understand the little things in life thoroughly, that is, I have seen all the ups and downs, but I sincerely pray that I will not blame me when I am old.