It's been a long time since I've had praise from readers, which is something that a writer should panic about immediately, but for me, it's a matter of course, because I haven't been on Taobao for many days to buy the so-called water army to help me brush up on the number of readings and praise.

I thought I could take this as a very decent job, but in fact, when I first started to move to the circle of friends, I received a lot of applause from relatives and friends, and my vanity instantly expanded to a great extent. My creative ability is also heating up rapidly, trying to get some recognition, but in the end it is just self-comforting, after all, in the online world where everything depends on spending money to gain exposure, my works are not as visible as ants. And more than half of the dead wages earned by going to work every month are used to buy these non-existent things, and it is also imaginary to stop at the end.

My girlfriend, who was a rent-in-law who relied on the spread of the family, said to me with a pitiful look, or I would take care of you, and don't spend your energy on unrealistic things every day.

She said, you don't look white, you are not a little white face, good, no one will talk about you.

She said, if you want to be so bored again, let's break up, I am not short of money, and your friends began to laugh at me for being shabby.

Then we went to our own places and went to freedom.

She didn't know how much I valued this dream that wasn't completely shattered, just as I couldn't understand why she drove her Maserati to fancy venues every afternoon for an afternoon of coffee. She said it was taste, and I thought it was a waste, maybe she thought that I locked myself in a dark room in front of the keyboard was the greatest disrespect for youth. And it was because of my talent that we were together at the beginning, but now I guess I feel bored and bored. Also, not everyone's talent can be eaten, and my talent is fortunate to be exchanged for a rich beauty, but I don't know how to cherish it and it ends, which is really a thing that makes too many dicks feel stupid.

It was only after she left that I realized how boring the world is, a confusion that can make you lonely to the point of suffocation. For a moment, I didn't know how to go on with my life. She left as if she had taken my inspiration away, and the sentences she typed out on the computer screen were all incoherent, and even I felt disgusted, where did I have the face to put on the Internet to deceive the readers who had always supported me and could call me with my fingers. In fact, it's just that my family and some good friends don't want to hit me, I know it, but I just don't dare to face it. Living in a dream can be happy, why come out and face the reality to make yourself feel pitiful.

Lao Cui wanted to help me get out of this predicament, and brought the kind of Harvard books to my place of residence every day, and said to me with positive energy, you see that all the students of Harvard are also people, how can people be so much more awesome than you, a stupid otaku who doesn't want to make progress, and still claims to be a writer, I'm bah, do some writers lose money every day?

I explained, what do you know, I dare to start becoming famous now, and when my master becomes famous, I will wait here for Han Han's guy to come over with a hundred-yuan bill and ask me to write for him.

Lao Cui looked at me with a smile, didn't hit me, I knew that his eyes were full of pity and ridicule, and I cursed to myself, when Lao Tzu can really sell millions of novels one day, don't run behind my ass. But I also knew that there would not be a day when the words I could think of had already been thought of by too many people and even published. The only thing I can do is to continue to comfort myself, self-hypnotize the scene after becoming famous, that feels like you bought a two-color ball for ten dollars, obviously there is no hope of winning the lottery, but the night before I began to fantasize about what to do after I have five million, I am very sure that I will win the five million in the lottery tomorrow.

That time when I even drank with my buddies felt like the end of the world, it felt like an abstraction without the right to speak, and I thought every day that I would never have to wake up after falling asleep, and even went to Baidu to search for euthanasia. I'm sure it's not depression because I'm still so conscious, but I've heard that people feel the same way. So I tried to find sex for fun, and every day under the leadership of Brother Yun, I wore a suit I bought two years ago in and out of various entertainment venues, and at two or three o'clock in the morning, I pulled a taxi on the side of the road with a big girl and went straight to a hotel opposite the public security department, which I think was the safest place I could think of. I have done it many times with different women without wearing a condom, and the strange thing is that I haven't got any disease in my lower body until now, and no woman has come to me with a big belly to blackmail me for money. Maybe I think too highly of myself, and the total amount of belongings on my body does not exceed five digits, and the latest Apple mobile phone is still bought in twelve installments, even if I really stare at the court, it is estimated that both parties will not be able to make any good money in the end.

I heard that the high school teacher said that life is a hideous game, and while the soles of your feet are in the air, you must try to fall later than the people next to you, so that they can be at the bottom of the flesh and blood. His original intention was to let everyone advise everyone to study hard, but I heard that they should stay behind so that they could be safe.

Since elementary school, I have always felt that the best subject is Chinese, and the best in the Chinese classification is composition, but I still don't understand why I misunderstood the original meaning in the first place, and let an abstract metaphor ruin a stage of life.

This should be my invisible quibble, spreading in the memories of the past and even in the future, not so much because the frequency that I can't see is spinning in circles, but because I never thought of letting go of that self. In this way, it's very pitiful, I remember that the girl named Yaqin once commented on my article, saying that what I see from it is dissatisfaction with the world, which is to spread bad emotions to everyone, and there can be no market in this way, and you will never survive in that circle, no, should it be said that you are in that circle? Anyone can write a few articles, then everyone writes, you are a bird's egg.

Her words made me start to degrade myself even more, and then my grandmother called me to go back on a blind date, I frowned on the phone and tried to smile and said, grandma, you don't know, your grandson is a celebrity now, and there are a group of girls running with me all day long, and I am slowly picking. Wait, before I finished speaking, my grandmother shouted at the top of her voice, don't I know how many pounds and taels you have? Don't talk useless nonsense, I'm a person who is about to enter the coffin, and I'll raise you for half my life, so I'll ask you if you can laugh happily before I leave.

I, my open mouth was forced to close, and I wanted to swallow a mouthful of saliva into my stomach, only to find that my mouth was dry, and in the end I could only perfunctory and say that I would go back on a blind date on the weekend. After hanging up the paragraph, I got up from the bed and walked to the balcony, looking down at the 26-story building, my eyes were looking for my heart, if I jumped down now, would I fall directly on the lime floor, instead of being blown into the lawn next to me by the wind, and lying on the hospital bed as a vegetative person for the rest of my life.

The action close to the balcony, the focus of the pupils looking down, the destruction that fills the mind. The cycle goes on and on over and over for a while, and I'm afraid that one day after drinking, it will all come true.

In this gradually unforgiving and even bleak urban life, too many insincere words are tapping out with the fingertips. No one has ever wanted to change anything, because it is too humble, everything is like this, before you are pushed to the brink of the end by the so-called popular figures, even if you make trouble in that fixed circle to the point of death, no one will come out to care about you, after all, the whole of China is in a cycle of this all the time.

Everything that is too late to be thrown away is carried away by the noise of the city running in order to form a wonderful and impeccable color embellishment. Looking up at the people marching ahead, the crowd is always comfortable. Nothing to worry about. Able to see through the future. The character is defined like this, and it is natural that we should adapt to it, but why do I feel that everyone is gradually forming into a puppet that has lost its nature, although it is moving forward, but it is going in circles.

Perhaps the puppet is the most humane existence.

Compromised the innate humanity in exchange for the so-called no longer suffering.

Before you wake up from the bumps, you can become innocent by not caring.

I want to untie everything that is bound around me, and follow my inner thoughts to find the lost self. If you can take great strides forward every day and no longer be constrained by rules and regulations, then there should not be so many unhappy people. Life is really not easy, it will cease to exist in just a few decades, why can't we create a paradise that everyone dreams of, where all the prosperous things in the world can be experienced, even if it is only the existence of the third virtual world.

Instead of some people living in loess all their lives, some people are buried in gold.

What a contrast, I don't think it should be a sentence of effort that can be said to be everything defined.

I went on a blind date on the weekend, but I couldn't help it, even if I didn't think about myself, I had to think about my grandmother who was so anxious for me. But nowadays girls are quite materialistic, and when they saw me driving a Chevrolet, they asked me directly if I could afford to raise him? I smiled and replied, I really can't afford to raise your mother, and then walked away. After walking out of the doorway, she stole a glance back, and the girl was slapping the table angrily with her palm. I know that in front of dignity I won, winning is applauded, in front of my relatives I lost, losing in a mess.

The shadow of the sun is very dark today, and I want to replace me, if it can replace me. I wanted to find someone to drink, and when I thought of Yaqin, she said everything very directly, just enough for her to make me talk about me a little more vulgar, so that I could be sad enough at once. On the highway to her house, my grandmother called me as expected, I wanted to explain something, and finally chose to be silent. Maybe the old man has the idea of the old man, I choose to respect.

Gripping the steering wheel, I feel like I haven't smiled happily for a long time, the sun shines through the glass on my eyelashes, but it can't hide the haze in my pupils, if I take a picture of the clouds that move with the car, will it also give me a smile that belongs to the rainbow. There has always been a city I yearn for in my heart, which is very bland, there are not so many bustling buildings, but it is full of smiling faces that have disappeared with age. How I wish there was another soul in this world, who could hear the cry of my heart, how heartbreaking, those fleeting moments were always with me in silence, as if I had been put on an invisible coat, and I couldn't take it off. It seems that the rapid change is not life, but the inner world that is always in a noisy and turbulent world, which may be understood as youthful frivolity, but I clearly know that sooner or later I will have to pay for this day.

When I arrived at Yaqin's house, I took out my mobile phone and wanted to call her, but then I thought that I shouldn't be so polite to her, so I went upstairs and knocked on the door. Three minutes, knocked on the green security door nearly fifty times and no one responded, just when I wanted to turn around and leave, the door opened, the cloak Yaqin stretched out her right hand to me to say hello, the smile was a little reluctant, I asked about the taste of hormones on the pajamas I wore back, glanced into the room, the curtains were drawn to hide the dust in the room, I was embarrassed to say that life was fine, turned around and walked towards the elevator, she called my name, I didn't answer, when she called the second sound, I walked faster. Thinking of the color of the door, thinking of her husband who was on a business trip abroad, she subconsciously bit her lower lip.

At this time, the mobile phone rang, it was Yaqin calling, I adjusted my emotions and answered the phone.

Yaqin said anxiously on the phone: "Xuguang, it's not what you think. ”

I pretended not to know anything and calmly said, "What's wrong?" I originally wanted to have dinner with you, but seeing that you haven't woken up yet, I'll just go by myself. ”

Yaqin hurriedly chimed in and said, "Why don't we eat together in the evening." ”

I replied to her, "No, our colleagues in the company have a party in the evening, that's it, you can have a good rest." ”

Without waiting for her to finish, I hung up the phone.

Actually, I don't think much about it, what you do is your freedom, you think that this can make you happy, at least you still have a trace of attitude towards life, and I don't even have a trace of your attitude. I have forgotten how I got into the car, but I feel weak, Yaqin didn't complain to me, but the fact that she cheated made me a little unacceptable, it shouldn't be the one I knew in the past, but if you think about it carefully, everything is changing, marriage is not the same as love, love has a transitional shelf life, but marriage does not, it shouldn't be said, China has a population of billions, and the divorce rate can be summed up by a few percent every year.

At that moment, I was thinking, if there is any point in getting married, it may be for the sake of reproduction, but do people in our generation still attach so much importance to sub-concepts? My inner answer is no. The world is gradually moving towards technology, and too many complex things will be simplified and replaced in the future, including you and me.

At this time, I remembered the fortune tellers that my friends often mentioned before, and what they said made me believe that there are really those characters in mythology in this world, and they hugged their beautiful wives around them and said that it was calculated fortune, which made me feel goosebumps all over my body when I watched from the side. I don't believe in fate, and I don't believe that fate is in my own hands, I just want to make myself happy at the moment, if fate can really be calculated, I am willing to spend all my money to go home and sleep.

On the way home, in the face of Yaqin's successive phone calls, I subconsciously chose to pretend to be deaf and dumb. I feel that there is already a sense of distance between two people, although this sense of distance even I feel inexplicable, but in the face of abstract reality, I understand that many times we can forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have made, but we can't turn a blind eye to the mistakes of friends around us, so whether it is selfishness at this time, or my inner world is too small, I can't tell clearly. Left foot stubbornly stepped on the brakes and paused on the crowded road for five minutes and ten minutes, usually at this time the horn sounded can be a good judge of a person's character, compared with those million-level car owners, hundreds of thousands of cars always show anxious emotions, perhaps this can judge why he always stays at this level, including me, especially now, I press the horn button on the steering wheel, trying to find a trace of perverted pleasure, the owner of the big Ben on the right is smiling and looking at me as if to say, sample, You're yourself on top of the car in front of you, where is the use of the broken horn to make an egg. I smiled back at him, accepted his ridicule, and wanted to go down and beat him up, even though I knew I was the one who would suffer in the end.

Life is so ruthless, the drama is played like that, and in the end I can only return to the laws of this society. I went to work again, two o'clock in the morning, nine in the evening, six weekends and two days off in the common Beijing workplace, by those of us who seem to be very aggressive, but in fact the heart has long been tired of the post-90s took over, even if you are busy to the point of four feet in the sky, the leader does not feel very promising, and should continue to work hard to make yourself grow, if the overtime without pay every day is higher.

I think of that rich ex-girlfriend, who is also a qian's pinyin, why is the gap so big at the moment? Although it is a soft meal, but with her, I never worry about money, she will always take care of all aspects of my life, and now the naked gap makes me feel very collapsed in my heart, I think the ups and downs of life correspond not to the future, but to the past.

The constantly replacing seconds is like a treadmill, you are entitled to press the pause button to rest, only to stay in place and look at the opponent who is constantly moving away and sigh deeply, and the consequence is that when the opponent stands at the top and talks about life, you still stay in place and sigh. Life is not always like this, either you are lucky to keep moving forward smoothly, or you are unlucky to stay in place and struggle to choke on water, you don't deny it, sometimes it's really luck.

And those who don't have emotional intelligence don't even know what luck looks like.

I didn't envy my classmates who drove BMWs because they put pressure on me all the time, and sadly, I was never able to turn that pressure into motivation. Grandma used to tell me that you have to learn to be content, but I can't compare myself with those who are not as good as me, because then even I will feel despised for myself. It's one o'clock in the morning, I'm about to finish this article, look out the window, the tail lights of the car are still flashing to decorate the city, in fact, the city is not as fierce as imagined, on the contrary, it is very gentle, so gentle that the slightest evil thought will be bounced back by its softness, which makes people feel very headache.

Later, the overall performance of the company improved, rented a bus and took up two days on the weekend to go to Chongdugou, Henan, where a row of hundreds of hotels and hotel names make people look dizzying. In fact, after walking around, the biggest feeling is that the mountains in Shanggou are the supporting roles, and those locals who do business are the protagonists.

That night, I was drunk in bed, woke up in the middle of the night, and walked out the door to feel the rare silence.

It's been a long time since I've enjoyed this silence, and the sound of insects seems to tell me that everything I encounter has long been settled.