I had a crush on you for three years, you don't know, I didn't say it because it was a crush.

A lot of your friends know your name because they like to tell the truth so much when they're drunk.

When you get home, quietly flip your phone to your contacts page until dawn.

I don't have the courage to turn it over and say the four words I like you.

Because the voice on the other side of the phone was something I didn't want to hear in my life.

The person I like sits diagonally across from the desk every day, and just a slight squint of the eye can see a delightful face.

Her name is Zhong Shan, and she has just returned from studying in the United States for an internship, but I know that she will return to the United States sooner or later.

We had only been together for four months, and it happened to be the same month that our birthday was the same month, and we exchanged gifts, I gave him a watch and she gave her chocolates.

I kept the chocolate at the top of my wardrobe, and I didn't think to look at it, let alone taste it.

Maybe a crush is the most beautiful love in the world? It exists invisibly, and as long as you can see that person, your heart will be sweet.

At the same time, it tortures the half-pressed strings, although the surface is smooth and bright, but the compressed force under the shadow continues to torture the unsounded sound, I don't know whether to put it down or break the sound.

In fact, the sound has already been broken, but I don't dare to bear it in my heart.

When I saw Zhong Shan for the first time, I thought she was a very temperamental girl with a deep beauty. looks a little cold on the outside, and belongs to the kind of person who you don't take the initiative to talk to her, even if you sit in the office for a year, you may not know each other, and the description is a bit exaggerated.

Zhong Shan will appear in the office every day in a different dress, and change into a Louis Vuitton LV bag every other day. One day I finally couldn't help it and asked tentatively, "How many bags like this do you have at home?" ”

Zhong Shan leaned against the computer screen, and didn't look back, and replied lightly: "A lot, my mother often pulls back a big bag, and I pick some beautiful ones and use them myself." ”

After listening to her, my eyes were fixed on the bag with a casual and simple appearance, but the silhouette was full of lines and beauty. It is indeed a look that is piled up with money, it is very "able to pretend", and a random and simple corner highlights the trend proposition of young girls nowadays.

At first glance, you will be the center of attention.

You can often see many such people on the corner of Sanlitun Street, wearing exaggerated and noble makeup, wearing retro upturned sunglasses, and their foreheads are elegantly covered by intellectual and generous sun hats. The rest is the latest fashion with fashion positioning to highlight the graceful figure. Even if he is not a big star who has been photographed on the street, he has not lost that kind of high-end style at all.

I am familiar with Zhong Shan because of the water in the water dispenser of the company, it may be that some people are lazy, and when they see that the bucket of the water dispenser upside down is empty, they don't plan to drink it for the time being, and wait for others to change the bucket, and then go and drink it slowly.

Zhong Shan wouldn't be like this, of course, she would definitely not carry a bucket of water to change it herself, so she could only return to her seat, face my slightly apologetic expression and say, "There is no water in the water dispenser, can you please go for a while." ”

I didn't say a word after listening to it, and happily walked over to change the bucket, so in less than half a month, Zhong Shan's expression was different when she looked at me, and she became a "best friend" who talked about everything. Sometimes it feels really strange that a woman can treat you as if you have done her a great favor.

Therefore, women are made of water, and a slightly larger gravel thrown into the water can show a wonderful beauty under the microscope. And the saliva beads exposed by the hard rock have long been accustomed to it.

Zhong Shan's mother is in the business of importing luxury goods, and there are dozens of shops in various well-known shopping malls in Beijing. During the period when Zhong Shan returned to China for internship, she originally wanted to take her to meet more friends in the business circle every day, but she didn't think that Zhong Shan stubbornly had to find a job and go to work by herself, and she didn't need help from home, and finally her mother was completely conquered by her stubborn temper, so she didn't bother to care about her. In the end, he said a cruel sentence, saying that during the period of your internship in China, your family will not give you a dime of pocket money, so you can support yourself.

Zhong Shan walked out of the house silently, she didn't have to think about money at all, the few credit cards in her hand that could overdraw millions were enough for her to find a place to squander them and not use them up, because in the end, she didn't need to speak, and her mother would pay it back for her.

As soon as Zhong Shan found a job, she called her mother, originally wanting to hear her mother's congratulations to her, but it turned out to be the opposite.

Zhong Shan's mother said on the phone: "Is the boss short-sighted and didn't see your resume clearly, what can you do as a yellow-haired girl who doesn't know anything?" ”

didn't wait for Zhong Shan to speak, and then said: "Then the boss won't look at you with a squint, you will go home for me right now, and you are not allowed to go anywhere." ”

As soon as Zhong Shan spoke, less than half of the first word was spoken, and was suppressed by her mother's dolphin-like voice.

"Let me tell you, this society is sinister now, you are looking for a job like this, what if you are deceived. You have reminded me that everyone in this society will harm you except your mother and me. ”

In the end, Zhong Shanqi stomped his feet on the spot angrily and said aggrievedly: "My boss is a woman." He hung up the phone.

The next day, my mother sent someone to ask for the contact information of Zhong Shan's boss, drove her own Bentley car to the door of the company to pick up Zhong Shan and her boss, and went to the five-star hotel to engage in skirt relations as a matter of course.

The result can be imagined, the mother praised her daughter to the sky, and Boss Zhong Shan nodded vigorously. It felt like her mother was the boss, and Boss Zhong Shan was an employee, and in the end, Zhong Shan was left bored and turned on her mobile phone to watch the bubble drama.

For a while, I lent all my money to others, and I was so poor that I finally understood what it means to starve a good man to death with a soft heart.

I was about to borrow some money from Zhong Shan, a little rich man, and as soon as I opened my mouth, she took out a pink Kitty card from China Merchants Bank from her bag. Then squinted, the corners of his mouth turned up, put the card in my hand, patted me on the shoulder like an elder, and said with a look of hatred that iron is not steel: "It's okay, sister, I'll take care of you, just spend it"

I looked at the pink card, and the Kitty cat inside seemed to be shaking hands with me in a friendly manner and saying, I will be your pet in the future, you are welcome, "slip" me to your heart's content!

I raised my head, looked at the smiling Zhong Shan, and asked, "How much can I overdraw?" ”

Zhong Shan replied: "I remember that there are seven or eight hundred thousand."

I was moved and said, "Your uncle, you are not afraid that I will take the card and run away." ”

Zhong Shan replied indifferently: "Your aunt, I'm really not afraid, anyway, my mother will pay it back for me"

I pursed my lips and said, "Are you stupid?" ”

Zhong Shan stroked her forehead hair proudly and replied, "No way, you are not convinced if you are rich and willful." ”

At that time, I was very moved in my heart, thinking that I would never be as low-key as Zhong Shan when I had money in the future. When you are in a bad mood, you must take tens of thousands of hundred-yuan bills and spill them from the windows of ten-meter-high buildings, and watch others frantically grab the cash rain that falls from the sky.

Later, instead of returning the card to her, I didn't use the dime in the card, but hid the card in the box of chocolates she gave me for my birthday.

I know that these memories are gradually being swallowed up as the plot develops, and I also know that the years are pushing us to the countdown to the death field. And that farewell in the future, when I had time to say goodbye, overthrew the wreckage of the loess a hundred years later, and is subverting the desolation of emptiness and starting anew.

It seems that all the plots are perfect when they are sandwiched with regrets,

It seems that all the frequencies that float have been called by you.

After being reborn from the fire, it may not become a phoenix,

But only in this way can assimilation be transformed into growth.

“who was calling?”

After receiving Zhong Shan's call, a strange man's question came from the receiver of the mobile phone.

Then Zhong Shan's deep voice immediately came, and she asked me a little weakly, "Where are you?" Can you come over for a moment? ”

After hearing this, I looked at the boss who was sitting across from me who was watching my film project, and asked, "Where are you?" I'll go right over. ”

This is an interview that I have booked in advance for almost two months, because Zhong Shan said a word, I said goodbye to the boss, packed up the documents and rushed over immediately.

I drove the car all the way to a rapid drift, and after getting out of the car, I panted and ran to the western restaurant that Zhong Shan said. In addition to Zhong Shan, there was also a foreign friend sitting at the table, specifically a very handsome friend.

The two were arguing in English, and they didn't understand a word. I had no choice but to sit next to Zhong Shan's seat with a depressed face, and before my butt was close to the seat, the foreigner pointed to my nose and asked Zhong Shan, "Who's he?"

Zhong Shan didn't speak, I slapped his paw away, looked at the angry Zhong Shan on the side, and said angrily: "What's good, do you see where I'm in a good mood?" You gringo, don't talk to Lao Tzu about English, I'm his best friend. OK！ ”

The buddy frowned and said in broken but fairly fluent Chinese: "Do you Chinese men want to greet my father as soon as we meet?" He's fine. ”

I was stunned: "Didn't your father tell you that you would be easily beaten up when you came to China?" ”

The buddy glanced at Zhong Shan: "Are you provoking me?" ”

I laughed, and was about to say, "Believe it or not, now I can find a bunch of people to come and beat you." ”

Zhong Shan stood up, didn't look at the foreigner, and pulled me and walked outside.

The foreigner stood up and was about to follow, but the waiter hurriedly walked over and said, "Sir, you haven't paid yet." ”

After swiping the card, I and Zhong Shan were no longer there.

The car drove slowly on a corner of Beijing's Second Ring Road, and every road we walked was a scar that was once scratched by metal marks on the surface of what is called the earth. The blur of flesh is a surface we can't see, undulating because it never cries out of pain.

In the car, you can see a shuttle crossing the lights, covering up the unfinished movements of passers-by, quietly lurking and waiting for the cold wind to quietly sweep through the passers-by who have just stepped out of the convenience list in the middle of the night, with some hostility for the final trial.

Of course, all this does not affect the congestion at the moment.

"My dad is American," Zhong Shan said to me quietly, and I could clearly feel the sound of a slight cry.

I forced myself to smile at her, trying to make the small atmosphere in the car not so lonely, and nodded to her as a matter of course: "I can see it, you are so beautiful, your genes must not be much worse." ”

"He abandoned my mother," Zhong Shan continued, ignoring my words.

Stunned, I turned around and drove towards a hotel parking lot.

Time flies, the memories that can't be touched will be dispersed, and the ending is not too beautiful, but you have to learn to echo it.

If you don't learn to resurrect the defeated, life will become a curtain call after the stage has fallen.

If I could have known in advance that this was a time period that would have penetrated the future of my life, I would not hesitate to hang up Zhong Shan's phone at that time.

The interior of the car sealed by glass can still hear the noise of different sound waves outside the car, and the street lamps on the side of the street scatter soft warm light through the glass in the pupils of the eyes, without a trace of temperature, and even feel that it is absorbing moisture from the surface of the skin.

After extinguishing the fire of the car, Zhong Shan still maintained the posture when she got into the car, without any change, and after a while, she said to herself: "The reason why he divorced my mother was that she complained that my mother was deformed after giving birth to me, and she couldn't find the usual passion when she slept together." Why did he say he had given birth to me? Was my birth the trigger for their constant quarrels? I just want to have a complete mother's love and father's love, even if I live in a family that is too poor to be poor. ”

I didn't blink my eyes, and I looked at the girl in front of me in surprise, and I didn't know how to comfort her for a moment. Although she lacked some love, she never lacked material needs, and she didn't know how many people dreamed of having the life she had. But these people don't know how much she needs spiritual support. If I try to persuade her like this at this moment, it will only appear that I am hypocritical.

She didn't give me a chance to comfort her, tears flowed down that delicate face into her mouth, and her voice was only choked: "I went to school in the United States just to find a little bit about his back, what kind of life he went through, so that he couldn't be so ruthless that he didn't contact me and my mother for more than ten years." When I arrived in the United States, I realized that it was really hard to find someone, and it was really harder than looking for a needle in a haystack. He didn't know that I was looking for a foreign boyfriend because of him, even though I didn't love him at all. Does he know that when I first went to the United States alone, I didn't know anyone around me, and I was so lonely that I often had nightmares at night, which was obviously part of my hometown. He doesn't know, he doesn't know anything. ”

Zhong Shan finished speaking, her emotions were a little out of control, she untied the car door and ran out, what I didn't expect was that she was emotionally unstable and ran directly towards the middle of the road, I followed her closely, and the cars with low beams on in the middle of the night braked urgently, and then there was a scolding.

At that moment, I really didn't have myself in my heart, it was all Zhong Shan. She ran in the middle of the road, even if the sudden car knocked me over.

In less than twenty seconds, the street was filled with bright car lights and people getting out of the car to see what was going on. I hugged Zhong Shan hard and dragged her to the side of the road.

Curious passers-by also surrounded and suppressed at this time, and I looked at the gradually increasing crowd and shouted with all my strength: "Get out, get out of here, do everything you guys." ”

After yelling, I hugged Zhong Shan tightly, and the two of them stayed on the side of the road.

She cried, and I coaxed. She bit me, and I endured it. She was tired, and I let him lean on.

Finally I ran out of strength, so I helped her to a nearby park, and both of them were so tired that they sat on the stone benches.

The starry sky was blinded by the dark clouds that burst in, as if it had come to set off the sad mood of the two of us at the moment.

"Xuguang, you see how powerful my double eyelids are, as long as I close them, I can cover the entire universe." Zhong Shan, who was so tired that she had no strength, folded her hands and crossed them, leaned on my shoulders weightlessly, closed her eyes and said to me.

Then he said, "Do you think that after death, people will turn into stars in the sky to protect the person you love the most?" ”

At the end of his words, he blinked his eyes, trying to open his pupils to the maximum, trying to see through the dark clouds to see the hidden stars.

I wiped away the tears on her face and whispered in his ear: "Silly girl, don't talk nonsense, you will live for a long, long time, you still have a mother who loves you so much, you will meet someone you like in the future, and have a beautiful daughter like you with him." ”

Zhong Shan took out her mobile phone and turned on the screen, it was a group photo of a family of three, a handsome American holding a Chinese girl with a sweet smile, Xiao Zhong Shan stood shyly in the center of their legs, her hands covering her slightly red cheeks, and her eyes leaked through the gap between her index and middle fingers. Very happy a wallpaper.

Zhong Shan stroked the side face of the man on the screen with her slender little thumb, and whispered, "I feel so tired now, I can't hold it anymore." ”

I turned off his phone screen: "Can you tell me about something interesting about you in the United States?" ”

Zhong Shan closed her eyes for a while, and said, "I have a kitten that has always been cute, and its whole body is white, but its nose is black. So I gently pointed it there with my finger every day, and at first it would get angry and want to bite me. Later, I probably got used to it, and I enjoyed it very much, as if I was giving him a massage. ”

"How's it going?" I asked.

Zhong Shan patted my trouser leg and said quietly: "Don't worry, I haven't finished telling you yet, when I return to China, I will send it to the grandfather and grandmother next door to feed, they are both over eighty years old, and they get up every morning to play badminton." In the morning in the courtyard, the old man reads a book, and the old woman holds a mobile phone and laughs for a while. I guess it's talking to his grandson, who and daughter-in-law only come back about once every three months. In the afternoon, the two of them called a driver, drove out, and came back at 7 o'clock in the evening, I think they must have some common love. Watching TV in the living room after a walk in the evening. ”

Zhong Shan talked a lot that night, all of which were trivial things, and I listened carefully, sometimes interjecting. Finally falling asleep on my shoulder, I gently hugged her to the back of the car.

The next day was Friday, and after I dropped her off, she called and asked for leave, and I didn't bother her for two days over the weekend.

Zhong Shan didn't come to work on Monday, so I called to turn off the phone. Tuesday still didn't come, the phone was turned off, and finally in the afternoon I couldn't help it anymore and asked for leave to go to her house.

There were a lot of people, and there were crying. Zhong Shan committed suicide by cutting her wrists, and in the bath, there was a lot of blood, so much so that the whole house was blood-red in my sight.

His father didn't show up until the end, maybe in his world, he had long regarded Zhong Shan and her mother as strangers.

I think everything is very unreal, it's funny, it's not that I haven't woken up yet.

The next day I quit my job and left Beijing, not knowing where to go, just wanting to escape for a while.

I thought that on the road that led to the unknown end, the scenery of that short stay would be engraved in the words called the hippocampus.

It's just that I didn't expect that even my own memories would be greedy, so I opened the skylight and frantically faced the wind, while letting the excuse contemptuously devour the image engraved a second ago, while wiping away the tears with the back of my hand, and welcoming the music that poured in fresh through the skin on the surface of my head. That's right, it's the song that people call the end.

Later, I looked up information on the Internet about cutting my wrists.

According to the information, the moment the pulse is cut with the blade, the pain is quickly transmitted from the arm along the flowing blood to the heart. It was probably the most painful moment of my life, and I think she must have cried, crying helplessly.

Then, as the blood rushes out, the pain will gradually disappear, and the feeling of weakness will follow, and the whole body will be weak. Even if he regretted committing suicide at this moment, he didn't have the strength to stop the blood that was rushing.

In the end, there will be a hallucination, and the clear outline of my father must have appeared at that time. No, there should still be a mother's, that should be the most primitive debt.

After reading it, I felt like I was on the brink of death.

I don't know what happens when people die

I knew Zhong Shan must have turned into what she wanted

With the blood that is evaporated by the temperature

Float into the air and gradually condense

Finally, it takes shape

Passed through the clouds in space

Fly at the speed of light years to the other half of the Earth

There was no heartache, no trouble

Only the one she loves the most

Father

All the plots are ambushed in the flower core trying to bloom, but they are greedy for rain, dew and sunshine, and want to continue the fragrance of flowers, but they forget to be strong when they should be scattered.

She didn't choose to be strong.

She didn't try to look back on that winding road to see the rainbow that had been waiting for her for a long time.

She has always lived in her father's memory, forcing herself to find a foreign boyfriend and try her father's life.

She never thought about a question, why did her mother dot on him so much since she was a child, and let her go to the United States to study. I guess the love between them is relatively not too deep. Of course, we don't know what the previous generation experienced in their youth.

She looks cold on the outside, but inside she has always longed for a lot of people to pay attention to him and warm her.

Often, by spreading your mind out of the middle of the night, trying to flood the city to cover the entire city, delusion can paint you the stroke of the light. It's so simple, but why is it that even the memories of scavenging are mistaken for theft, and the drunkards who roam the streets are shouted to drive them away.

Often, there will be a dream. In my dream, when I was writing this article, I called Zhong Shan.

"Where are you?"

"Airport."

"Well, I hear a chip."

"Then you still ask."

"What's the plan? Coming back after graduating from the United States? ”

"That's what Dad told me."

"It's okay, it's just that when I was writing the article, I suddenly thought of you, and asked, so coincidentally you are leaving."

"If you don't write an article today, you'll never call me again."

Before she could finish, I hung up.

It turns out that even in a dream, my heart hurts.