We are all lost fireflies, trying to cover the darkness and find the meaning of our existence.

What illuminates is the dust, what is empty is boundless, and what is lost is the end.

Knowing this, he refuses to turn the next page for a new beginning.

Run, listen, look for company

Calling for the meaning of loneliness

In the cold winter of mid-December, the whole city was covered in white smog, and they were like beasts that had been attracted to the center of the earth, and under the desolation of humans, they finally waited for their release, and rushed out of the ground like electric fire, trying to corrode everything in the air. Of course, it all feels like we're doing it ourselves.

Cars began to be restricted to odd and even numbers, and as compensation for the public, buses in Shijiazhuang were free to ride for more than two months. It's Volkswagen, and for the wealthy, two cars can ignore this phenomenon. The migrant workers on the construction site finally had a holiday at this time, although they thought that they would work until the day before Chinese New Year's Eve, but they had no choice in the country. In the above sentence, they didn't even know who the person above was and what they looked like, so they were persuaded to quit without any compensation.

The circle of friends began to show off all kinds of things, a picture of the white sky that can't see anything, accompanied by a refreshing sentence, scrambling to show everyone this phenomenon.

Of course, all of this is a dispensable thing for us in our early twenties. Maybe even the city where you live is engulfed in smog 24 hours a day, you will think it's a fun phenomenon. It can best release the emotions that have been suppressed in the bottom of the heart for a long time. It's not that we're ignoring all this, it's that the responsibility for everything hasn't been borne on the shoulders of our generation.

Just as the above was studying how to minimize this phenomenon, Chen Feng and I sat on a suburban lake more than ten kilometers away from the city and lit a fire. A small heart of fire scattered restlessly under the blowing of the cold wind, and the raging fire instantly swept our entire eyeballs. took out the two bottles of two pots that he was carrying in his backpack, opened them one by one, and poured one-third of them into his throat, and his stomach instantly burned.

After pouring the schoolbag of coal we carried into the firewood, we began the bet we had negotiated after getting drunk last night: if anyone moves first, he will write his name and Qin Xueli I love you on the wall of the girls' side of his alma mater.

It's ten o'clock in the morning, and the rising sun casts its rays on the ice and then on the corners of our eyes, and the mountains and valleys press their heavy backs against the lake. The two of them were wetted by the water of the lake that had been awakened by the burning of coal. With his hands in his pockets, his mouth was bubbling with a sigh of air, staring at each other's faces motionless.

I fought with my mouth up and down, and said tremblingly: "Look at the ice under your feet, if you don't move, you should go to Lord Yama to report"

Chen Feng also replied to me tremblingly: "I can swim, and drowning is also drowning you water duck"

Looking at the ice surface that was gradually melting by the water, he closed his eyes and did not speak again. Since the hero has already succeeded, even if he wants to die, he will do it to the end, I say this to myself in my heart.

At this moment, it seems that he can no longer feel the cold, and the residual heat of alcohol burns every tiny cell of his skin, but he looks at the gradually thinning lake in his eyes, and his legs tremble unconsciously.

Half an hour and a minute later, I slowly moved my numb and uncontrollable feet, turned and ran backwards. I didn't move, but just as my left foot stepped on the ice, a crack came and appeared on the ice I stepped on, and I slid forward. Leaving Chen Feng, he stared blankly at everything that happened in front of him for a few seconds, but he still didn't move. Then the cracked ice crack instantly seemed like an ice dragon that had been lurking for a long time, leading thousands of troops and horses to rush to the ice where Chen Feng was sitting, only to hear a "pop", Chen Feng fell into the lake.

The next second, I looked at Chen Feng who was struggling desperately on the lake, and asked a little overwhelmed, "Are you okay?" ”

Chen Feng's ice-red hands slapped the surface of the lake hard, and roared hoarsely: "If you don't throw the rope down for me again, you will become a murderer." ”

I hurriedly picked up the rope I had prepared in advance, threw it into his hand, and pulled him out with all my might.

After coming up, Chen Feng lay on the surface of the lake with his hands on his chest, and stammered, "What are you running?" ”

I innocently replied, "I can't swim, of course I'm going to run." ”

The final price was when I used a stucco pen to write on the wall of the junior high school toilet that I love Qin Xueli.

It's just that I really loved her? It's still Chen Feng who is not good at expressing it, and this love triangle relationship rotted in that time.

Until now I have never doubted that the best times are always for memories, and memories are for missing out. Those misses are slowly devoured by the ants in time and space, even if you don't want to reminisce, the pain of being bitten reminds you to live such a past all the time, and we have not escaped this emotional struggle that belongs to the years until we are old.

Chenfeng was my tablemate in junior high school, but every day when I watched other classmates all men and women playing with each other, I couldn't help but think to myself from time to time: Why is he not a girl? Do I put a wig on him, stuff two nests in his clothes, and by the way, when I go to bed during my lunch break, I cut him underneath, and he can appear in front of me like a beautiful girl. This dirty idea accompanied me for an entire grade in my second year of junior high school.

Chen Feng is a good seedling in the eyes of the physical education teacher, and he will never be absent from every training, in fact, he is more like a robot in the eyes of the physical education teacher, and all the training can be completed for you as long as he does not die.

In the summer, it was the time when the physical education teacher was perverted, and the sun at three o'clock in the afternoon was shining on the playground floor, although I didn't believe that sweet potatoes could be roasted when buried in the ground, but they could definitely spread out the eggs and fry them.

After letting all the physical education students frog jump in the playground for 10 laps, the physical education teacher went back to sleep in the house by himself, but in order to prevent everyone from being lazy, he let his most trusted good seedling Chen Feng supervise, of course everyone did not want to bask in the sun, Chen Feng did not want to be this bad guy, and basically let everyone rest every time, and listened attentively to the physical education teacher's movements outside the dormitory building under the big sun. The PE teacher got up, and Chenfeng gathered all the students. The physical education teacher washed his face, and everyone ran hard to death. The PE teacher went out, and everyone was sweating profusely and panting.

After repeating this for a month, Chen Feng looked at the mirror in the hall of the teaching building and sighed: "I wish I had come back from a trip to Africa!" There is also face to say it like this. ”

Although Chen Feng is a top student in physical education, he is completely illiterate, and he has never scored 10 points in the Chinese composition test.

Every time I send out a test paper, I am close to a full score, and my single-digit red ink sits on the white paper, which is too ironic. Finally, I couldn't help it once, and secretly asked me: "That Xuguang, why is your essay score so high every time, and I don't even have ten points?" ”

I glanced at him, pointed to Qin Xueli, the overtime supervisor who was sitting in the front row, and said, "You see how smart our squad leader is, he is the first in the class every time." Every day at noon, while everyone was eating, I secretly went to take a sip of water from her cup. This IQ is contagious, and if you continue to do this every day, you will get a perfect score sooner or later. ”

After I finished talking to him with a very serious expression, he nodded thoughtfully. was originally a joke, but in the end I didn't expect a farce.

From then on, every time at noon and after everyone had finished, Chen Feng would take a sip of water from Qin Xueli's cup, until a quarterly exam later, and write an essay about the person he was most grateful for in his life.

A week after the exam, at the end of the Chinese class, the teacher asked me, Chen Feng and Qin Xueli to go to the office.

In the office, the teacher picked up the Chen Feng roll, pointed to the composition page, and asked with a smile on his face, "Can anyone explain to me what is going on?" ”

I picked up the test paper curiously, and the title of the essay was "My Most Grateful Classmate Qin Xueli", and a certain paragraph above read:

I have always thought that my language is not good, because the physical education subject is too good caused by the contrast, since listening to Xuguang teach me to drink a sip of water in Qin Xueli's cup at noon every day, I feel much smarter, just like the comic "Dragon Ball" in which Sun Wukong drank the water on the tower and was resurrected with full blood.

For this, I would like to thank Qin Xueli and Chen Xuguang by the way.

After reading that my forehead was in a cold sweat, I glanced at Qin Xueli on the side from the corner of my eye, only to see that the purple tendons on her forehead were quietly bubbling, and the pores of her nose were also expanding angrily, a pair of small hands were clenched into fists, and my eyes turned from the test paper to my face in the next second, I was instantly defeated by her aura, and turned my head to look at the teacher.

Of course, the teacher would not let us go, and even criticized and scolded us for more than half an hour, and finally asked each of us to write a 3,000-word check.

Back in the classroom, Qin Xueli threw the drinking cup on me and scolded angrily: "You bastard!" ”

Since then, my world has been quiet, Chen Feng next to me doesn't talk to me anymore, and Banhua will never think about me anymore if she has any activities in the class.

Until one day in a self-study class, Chen Feng secretly said to me: "Chen Xuguang, do you know that you are wrong?" ”

I nodded dumbly.

Chen Feng continued: "Then I have something to do, should you help me?"

I glanced at his serious expression and nodded vigorously.

Chen Feng pushed his mouth to my ear and whispered, "I like Qin Xueli, are you helping me chase her." ”

After he finished speaking, I asked him with my eyes wide open, "Really." ”

Chen Feng nodded vigorously.

In the office, the teacher picked up the morning maple roll, pointed to the composition page and asked, "Can anyone explain to me what is going on?"

I picked up the test paper curiously, and the title of the essay was "My Most Grateful Classmate Qin Xueli", and a certain paragraph above read:

I have always thought that my language is not good, it is the contrast caused by the great physical education subject, since listening to Xuguang teach me to drink a sip of water in Qin Xueli's cup at noon every day, I feel much smarter, just like the comic "Dragon Ball" in which Sun Wukong drank the water on the tower and came back to life.

For this, I would like to thank Qin Xueli and Chen Xuguang by the way.

After seeing that my forehead was sweating, I glanced at Qin Xueli on the side from the corner of my eye, only to see that the purple meridian on her forehead was quietly bubbling, and the pores of her nose were also expanding angrily, a pair of small hands were clenched into fists, and my eyes turned from the test paper to my face in the next second, and I was instantly defeated by her aura.

After being criticized by the teacher in the office for a long time, I asked me to write 3,000 words with Chenfeng for inspection.

Back in the classroom, Qin Xueli threw the drinking cup on me and scolded angrily: "You bastard!" ”

Since then, my world has been quiet, Chen Feng next to me doesn't talk to me anymore, and Banhua will never think about me anymore if she has any activities in the class.

Until one day in a self-study class, Chen Feng secretly said to me: "Chen Xuguang, if you know that you are wrong?" ”

I nodded sheepishly.

Chen Feng continued: "Then I have something to do, should you help me?"

I glanced at his serious expression and nodded vigorously.

Chen Feng pushed his mouth to my ear and whispered, "I like Qin Xueli, are you helping me chase her." ”

After he finished speaking, I asked him with my eyes wide open, "Really." ”

Chen Feng nodded vigorously.

Buy a bottle of drink every day and put it on her table, just for three months, almost ninety-eight days, and confess to her on the ninety-ninth day, promising to move her to death.

What I thought was a bad idea was taken seriously by Chenfeng, a good seedling in the eyes of the physical education teacher.

From that day on, rain or shine, every afternoon Qin Xueli would have a bottle of Nutrition Express drink on his desk, which was bought by Chenfeng in the morning, noon and evening, plus his own pocket money.

It's just that Chen Feng didn't know that every time Qin Xueli would hand it over to the teacher.

It's just that we don't know why the teacher didn't say it.

It's just that at noon of the third week, Chen Feng was seen by Qin Xueli, Qin Xueli looked at the panicked Chen Feng and asked, "Why do you always give me a drink?" ”

Chen Feng replied, "It was Xuguang who asked me to let you here." Then he fled the classroom in a panic.

The water didn't break in the next month, but Qin Xueli looked at me differently.

On the seventy-fourth day, Qin Xueli pulled me out of the classroom, lowered her head and said shyly: "You let Chenfeng give me a bottle of water every day, do you like me?" ”

I was just about to explain, but Qin Xueli took a step forward and hugged me, turned around and walked into the classroom.

The whole process took less than twenty seconds, and it happened to be seen by Chen Feng through the glass.

I returned to my seat and looked at Chen Feng with hatred in his eyes, and just wanted to explain, but was ruthlessly interrupted by Chen Feng.

I didn't speak, I made it clear through a note in class what was going on, and said that I would explain it after class, Chen Feng said no, let me say nothing to Qin Xueli, don't say anything, otherwise my friends won't have to do it in the future.

I sat next to the boy in a daze, I didn't know what to say for a while, Qin Xueli is the most beautiful girl in our class, if you don't like it, it's fake, but if you like it, it's just that it is just a good feeling.

The tender green leaves are visible to the naked eye, and they become gray when they are caught in the form of restlessness, and the process may be the same as that of a baby to an old man, right? But for us, there are only two colors changing, just a season when our eyes are opened or closed for a moment.

That year, I was with Qin Xueli, with the blessing of Chen Feng.

It was also in that year that Chenfeng transferred schools, and I don't know if it was because of the two of us.

In fact, when you first fall in love, you have no experience at all, and you have to believe that love is a simple and beautiful intuition, and every time you hold hands and kiss you, you can touch the shyest secret in your heart. Until there was a trace of ripples, he began to be busy tinkering, and he was caught off guard by the idiom that made a cameo appearance in pure love, and he didn't know anything about age, and there was no trace of evidence he wanted at the moment.

A long day in the company of another person, a short feeling like a movie fast-forwarding, every day I want to engrave all the plots and screen them in the square in the future, telling everyone that Qin Xueli is my world.

We had a very happy life in those years when we had no secrets and confessed everything to each other.

We ran forward wantonly in that precious time of youth, and on weekends in the square outside the school, eating barbecue after I got drunk, Qin Xueli helped me, and I sang for her the most popular group at that time, "Marshmallow", although I sang very hard, she listened very carefully.

At this wonderful moment, I want to freeze for the rest of my life to save a few more seconds, and my heart desires far more than what I have paid, just like the Yimi flower that grows on the Gobi Desert in Africa, taking root in five years and once spitting.

But I never felt that when we were together, it was because of love, because of fate, but because of the departure of a brother.

After all, I am not the harbor where Qin Xueli finally lands, even if I can accompany her to transition, I know very well that I can't accompany her to cross.

Love is very selfish, selfishness is love, everyone may be a contradiction, everyone has a split personality tendency. What I thought and what happened next, even though there was already a dress rehearsal in my head, but when I met face-to-face, I admitted that I was a coward.

I can't deny that every time I see Qin Xueli, it's like seeing Chen Feng, and on the second night after the graduation exam, I couldn't help but tell her the reason why Chen Feng left, saying that I didn't seem to be in love with her, but a deeper friendship.

What a terrible picture at this moment, what a popular plot, have you seen it a hundred times in the novel, thought about it a thousand times, but you can never understand the feelings of the person concerned.

At that moment, I felt like I had gone to steal Lao Wang's chicken next door and was caught, and I became a bad guy in full view, without any explanation, let Lao Wang do what he did with me.

Qin Xueli looked at me with a smile and said, "Don't finish joking, okay?" ”

I bit my lip and said, "No, it was Chen Feng who said that he liked you and asked me to help him with ideas, and everything that happened later was unexpected for me." ”

Qin Xueli took a step back, her expression was a little dazed, tears appeared in her eyes, and she choked up and said: "You lied to me, you are all lying to me, you have been lying to me from the beginning, why did you enter my world, and now you have to find an excuse to dump me, are you so fun?" You get out of here, I won't forgive you, I won't forgive you in this life. After speaking, Qin Xueli ran and turned around and left.

Looking at her turned back, I smiled. Looking at her disappearing back, I cried.

The image that happened in five minutes seems to take five years, or even fifty years, to forget. Or a lifetime.

All the light around me turned black and white at this moment, and the figure that remained in my mind occupied my entire heart, and I was about to suffocate, like an explosive that ignited in an instant, and wanted to destroy my whole world.

I slapped myself hard and cried and asked myself, everything was like a dream, but how could I be so sad now, and talk about friendship in the cliché way of books, how stupid I was to think she would believe it.

It seems that what to do next, or say something, can no longer make up for the mistakes she has made, it is too simple to make a person who loves you cry bitterly, so simple that it is too late for you to want to redeem it, she is not not in love, but she is not afraid to be hurt by you again.

It seems that after the person we love leaves, the only thing we can do is to wish her happiness in our hearts, but is it really happy?

We all enjoy it so equally emotionally, even the beggars on the streets, after losing control, can tell a story that will keep your mind hooked.

Oh, yes.

A person of your character will never understand the hurt that was done to her when she said she was leaving.

It's you who kept her innocence in love and added you, her favorite villain.

It was you who turned her into the happiest woman with love overnight, and another cruel sentence made her see clearly, it turns out that love can be such a sad woman.

When one day you know that there is no black trace in her simple flower room, you understand that you have not loved her, and you have harmed her pure life.

There's always a point on the map that you can find in an instant, because you've been in the area for a long time and have a frame in your head, even if you're not a painter.

The poet who wanders around may be happier if he is lost, because the sketch of the vertigo picture in the line of sight is the change of the freedom of captivity and the destiny that should be.

I spent the whole summer at the breakup location, writing in a notebook every picture I could still think of, no sensational romantic sentences, all short periods.

One notebook was finished, a second one was replaced, and finally buried under a small tree.

Do you dare to be with someone easily in the future?

I don't dare, I think it's something that many people have experienced. Many people deceive themselves to explain that they have forgotten, but they will still be in a daze when they mention it inadvertently, and they will cry after their eyes are lost to a certain extent.

I hope that when I leave, you will be like this new sapling, gradually growing taller and seeing more beautiful scenery, I can't bear all your sorrows for you, but I want to burn the rest of my life at the moment you leave, and instantly ignite your tears into trivial memories, so that you can withdraw from all the experiences about me after you turn around.

Later, I heard that Chen Feng and Qin Xueli were in the same university, and Chen Feng used all the methods to chase Qin Xueli in his freshman year, and he was faced with a tepid face.

Qin Xueli, a sophomore, fell in love with a rich kid and broke up for three months, the reason was that the rich kid had violent tendencies, and Qin Xueli had countless scars left at this time, Chen Feng called a friend and beat the rich kid, and the consequence was that the next day, a group of young people in society rushed into the dormitory with iron rods and beat Chen Feng's arm to a broken one, and the top of his head bloomed, and the school was indifferent to this.

Qin Xueli, a junior, got married and took a leave of absence from school, because she was pregnant with a child born in the same class, and neither of them wanted to be killed. When she got married, Qin Xueli didn't notify a classmate.

In the second half of my senior year, I went on a city trip to their school during the vacation of my internship, and I bought wine with Chenfeng and sat on the roof of the campus dormitory.

We talked about a few years of growth, and when we talked about Qin Xueli, Chen Feng cried, spilled a whole bottle of beer from the top of his head, and became a foaming tearful person: "Xueli's life shouldn't be like this, she is so good, better than everyone else, but why is she just over twenty years old to go through her life like this, we are all bastards, and we shouldn't treat her like that in junior high school." ”

I picked up a bottle of beer and threw it on the ground, subconsciously closing my eyes and not speaking.

Chen Feng continued: "I took a knife and wanted to stab that rich second generation in the stomach, but my friend stopped me and pushed me away, and I would have nightmares every day later, dreaming that Xue Li was bruised and asked me for help, but I couldn't help her. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, and I was helpless. ”

I patted Chen Feng on the shoulder, picked up the wine bottle and touched him, and poured a full bottle of wine into my throat.

Watching a couple walk by on the playground on campus, he muttered: "Actually, we are not wrong, what is wrong is that fate is not in our hands, there are too many sad things in this life, but time will always push the shadow forward, we will get married in the future, Xue Li just experienced it in advance while she was young, maybe she is not as sad as you think." If you want to open up, we still have our own way to go in the future, I can't pay her off in this life, you are different, you don't have anything to be sorry for her. ”

I comforted Chen Feng like this, but I felt a dead knot in my chest around the center of my heart, which I couldn't untie or throw away.

We were like a different self that night, telling each other a lot of secrets, scolding that time can't keep footprints forward.

Is this fate? That's what the old people say.

What is fate, how can the bystander not understand the feeling that the person concerned is going to die.

I know that in this city with colorful neon lights, there are fewer and fewer honest words to hear, look at the friend who is still with you and can talk about your troubles, no matter where he is, let him slow down a little, remember to tell you before anything difficult happens.

There is always an end in the direction of the car, and I can clearly remember the silhouette of a man before turning on the lights in the haze.

It is a beautiful thing to occupy a person's youth, to touch the unclear front with warmth, if you need, I will burn myself for you for the rest of your life to ignite the tears that do not spring out of your eyes, just to leave a good memory in your youth.

Even when you close your eyes, you can see the sunset holding hands at the end

obviously loves it very much, but it is stubborn, and the hand he holds is scribbled

Memory always pulls youth and penetrates the past

In the end, the sadness turned into sadness, and I couldn't go back to the old place

I am also on guard against what it means to leave the field

Maybe it's time for us to go through this arrogance and grow up at a young age

Harbour dock if ferries are required

Then I think I can only accompany you in the transition, but I can't be spent by you.

Oddly enough, when I was trying to think about the word

It was mischievous, turning aside all the outlines in its thinking

None of them were found.

Now it has suddenly appeared, Harbor

I thought about a lot of words, but I didn't know how to write a paragraph around two words

Maybe the wind isn't blowing enough or maybe it doesn't match the word

The seagull will fall after a few spins, and the echo is still greeting you

Eventually, I learned that the harbor would never dock at all

Will you come to the appointment to interpret this accident?

The bear looked up at the gray of the sky and forgot that he could not see the ocean on the shore

The strange thing is that it wants to be a writer and narrate love for a long time

But he was walked in circles by the people he loved the most

The strange thing is that it drops everything to be simpler, but it is pushed to the complex step by step

If this is the original intention, it is not easy to let go

It asks itself?

Harbour dock if ferries are required

Then I think I can only accompany you in the transition, but I can't be spent by you.