"It's here, it's windy outside, you can go back to the classroom." When the old class parked the car at the school gate, I realized that time had passed a long time. Along the way, I was thinking about how to teach Taotao phonetic alphabet. Mi Le and I, including Ye Ruiyang and Brother Chuan, our English scores were okay, but our spoken English was not very standard—at least not to the level of those who had the courage to mislead others. Zhao Rui may be okay, but I don't want to go to him at all. After thinking about it, I thought of Huang Minxue. Brother Chuan, who knows everything, once told me that Huang Minxue's English scores are particularly good, and every test is either full or close to full score. But the other grades are quite average, and they pulled their hind legs - no, Huang Minxue is not a dog, so he has no hind legs.

But I wasn't very confident about approaching Xuexue, even though he was our Chinese teacher's child, and we teased him a little at the drama festival. I always felt that I didn't want to be close to him, not only because of his performances in the class competition, but also because of the quarrel between him and Xu Mu. I can't stand people who speak harshly and meanly. Thanks to Miller and Ye Ruiyang, they have always taken care of my emotions, even if I played malicious jokes with them (which I regret), they never said anything cruel to me.

A few harsh words, they weren't directed at me, but I was still startled by the cold light that flashed from the harsh language. Those few words may not be enough to destroy the friendship between him and Mu Zheng and Xu Mu, but they are enough to make all my good impressions of him freeze and shatter. How can a man speak like that to his friends?

Maybe what I'm afraid of is not learning, but what I see in him. Ask yourself, haven't I ever said anything like that? "Aren't you afraid that your parents will suddenly take you away?" "You're pretty broad." "Then you should take care of yourself, go for more physical examinations, find out heart disease in advance, and treat it well, can't you?" "Ke Peixian, I hate you, I will never see you again!" "You villain, you are too good at pleasing people...... I know what these words mean, and I know that nothing hurts people more than vicious words, and I know that the words spoken are spilled water, and can never be taken back. Forever, what a cruel word.

"By the way, you can go back today and write your Chinese and English homework first, it doesn't matter if you can't finish it. Great work. The old class gave me another commandment. I nodded to him and said, "Teacher, you have worked hard too." He waved at me on his motorbike and walked along the street lamp to the neighborhood not far away.

When I entered the school, I decided that I had to talk to Xuexue. Since you have decided to help Taotao, you must help to the end, and you must do your best. The few behaviors I learned may have been just that I wasn't in a good mood (maybe I was also making excuses for some of my behavior), and the teammate who would play the guitar and sing birthday songs for me should still be very sunny and enthusiastic. He is so delicate and lovely, especially when he grins.

It is unrealistic and troublesome to ask him to teach Taotao directly. I can ask him to record a tone of each phonetic transcription, and then organize it into an audio on the computer, and copy it to Taotao's mobile phone through a memory card. Although his phone is a button-type phone, it still has some basic functions. As long as the audio file can be opened by his phone, he can refer to it at any time. This method should be quite reliable.

On the way back to the teaching building, I took out my mobile phone, first, to see what time it was, and secondly, I wanted to find Huang Minxue's number in the WeChat group first, add my friends, and talk to him after the evening self-study.

It's 7:40, and our self-study ends at 9:9 in the evening. If I want to write my homework, I don't have enough time, but I will definitely complete all the tasks today, and if it's a big deal, I'll take it back to the dormitory and lie under the covers and turn on the mobile phone flashlight to write. I don't like to be in debt, especially to those class representatives. Thinking about it, I clicked on WeChat and found that Xuexue happened to post several messages in the school team group a few minutes ago. Yes, he shouldn't be studying at night, so he can look at his phone.

He said something big. I didn't look closely, and clicked on the link he sent. A piece of news. The title is "The Worst Air Crash in Football in 20 Years: Chapecoense, the Dream of Flying and the Life of Falling".

Chapecoense? Somewhat familiar.

Wait, air crash?

What happened?

At noon on November 29, BJ time, a plane carrying the Brazilian team Chapecoense crashed near the city of Medellín, Colombia. There were a total of 81 people on board, 72 passengers and 9 crew members. Only six people survived the accident. The purpose of Chapecoense's trip was to travel to Medellín for the first leg of the Copa Sudamericana final, against Atlético Nacional Medellín, who won the Copa Libertadores this year......

I don't know where I'm going, but not the way to the classroom. Fluttering, I was like a weightless balloon. If I bump into a teacher or security guard, as long as it's an adult, he'll ask, 'What are you doing?' At this moment, I can only answer, I also want to know. What happened to you? Don't go to study at night? Chapecoense crashed. What is Chapecoense? It's not a thing, it's a Brazilian football team. Today, their plane crashed on the way to the finals, and only three people survived in the whole team. Is it? But what do those Brazilians have to do with you? People die every day in this world. And if you don't have anything to do with you, what are you sad about? What is self-inflicted?

But...... I'm just sad. I'm not lazy, I'm not lazy, I'll study hard, but I want to be alone for a while, just for a while. May I?

I wandered to the west of the school, the school building was dedicated to music, art, labor skills, computer and other courses, and it was dark at night, and no one would come. At the back of the building is a large maple poplar tree, much older than the newly built campus. I don't know if it was moved here or if it's been here. Trees are weird. I stroked the trunk. It seems to be lifeless, because we can't witness death other than when the trees are cut down. But it's alive, just like us, it's alive, it's breathing the same air. How long does a tree live? Decades, decades, even centuries. It has been around longer than those of us who are free to caress its branches. And the green badge, as alive as the summer leaves of the trees, was seen by me, on a photograph made of data, in front of a trembling phone screen. It's real, too, covered with salty dirt that I can't smell, the soil of Colombia, which is separated by thousands of mountains and rivers from China, but it's also real dirt. A journalist filmed it at the scene of the accident to tell us that the fall from high in the air was not a nightmare.

I typed a few words into my phone's browser that I still remember. The Internet handed me back a poem that I haven't forgotten:

Who weeps at this moment somewhere in this world,

Crying in this world for no reason,

I'm crying.

Who laughs somewhere in this night at this moment,

laughing at night for no reason,

Laugh at me.

Who walks somewhere in this world at this moment,

There is no reason to walk in this world,

Come to me.

Who dies at this moment somewhere in this world,

Die in this world for no reason,

Look at me. [1]

I cried, without a sound, without a reason. Maybe I thought of this poem I saw the other day, maybe I smelled the soft and damp soil of Colombia, or maybe it was that dull night three months ago when I happened to see the club's green crest. Maybe not, just witnessing the embers of life bursting suddenly, people will die.

My phone prompted me that there was new news in the group, it was a few classmates and teachers who were not studying on their own, and they sent prayers or candle emojis, or words like "May the deceased rest in peace, and the living be strong". I also sent it. Huang Min learned too much, and he sent another link. He knew everyone would click on it. Another piece of news about Chapecoense's goalkeeper Marcos Danilo. When he first joined the club, the team was still in the second division. He has accompanied the team all the way up the ladder to continental competitions, and even though Chapecoense is not a team with a lot of money and many titles, he and his teammates have been dedicated and committed to every game. He dreams of playing at a higher level at a bigger club, but he also loves Chapeco City and feels just as happy in reality. It's not a big city, but it's warm and welcoming, the fans are warm and respectful, and they live happily as a family. There is a photo of him in a jersey, standing in front of the goal, stroking his two-year-old child with his father's palm, who is wearing the same jersey as him and with open arms, like a flying chick. If the fans were there, they would have applauded the father and son on the pitch. Danilo seems to be an ordinary person like us, preferring to be quiet outside the arena, and more often staying at home to read, think, listen to music, and spend time with his family. He is also not averse to going out, and when he meets fans, he will sign autographs and take photos very kindly.

He was alive when the rescue team arrived at the scene. His wife soon heard his message on the phone. However, he passed away anyway. Suffering from his injuries, Danilo failed to become the seventh survivor. I don't know how his wife will face this instantaneous transition from heaven to hell, and just now he heard the tenacious life tremble from his throat, and in a moment the voice was annihilated in the distance. Those hands can no longer defend the team's gates, and they can no longer stroke the child's head.

I shuddered after reading the report, and a huge, deep sense of fear overwhelmed me. Danilo is an excellent goalkeeper. He excelled in the knockout rounds of the Copa Sudamericana, saving four penalties in the last-16 shoot-out to help his side overcome their rivals and advance to the quarter-finals. Just five days ago, the team was able to advance to the final thanks to his brilliant save. However, as they celebrated their promotion to the final in the dressing room, they could never have imagined that the flight they had chased their dreams would never be able to get them to the stage of the showdown. Dreams are still flying lightly in the sky, and life has fallen heavily, with a distant muffled sound. I can't help but imagine that if Danilo hadn't saved his opponent's shot five days ago, Chapecoense's dressing room would have been filled with disappointment and tears. However, they will not step on the plane that goes to the abyss, and each of them will survive, forget the disappointment of being eliminated, and chase their dreams again in the new season. Some of them may win a few championships, or some of them may be just ordinary players all their lives, not getting the attention of fans all over the world, but they can live enough to live the years they deserve and die peacefully in the company of their families. But it can't be anymore. They gave it their all, Danilo showed his best in the semi-finals, and Chapecoense emerged victorious, only to find that the reward behind the joy of fate was a black whimper. If they hadn't worked so hard to chase their dreams, they would have lived on the earth for a long time, just like me.

What the hell is this world? How can a man say that death is death? He was gone, gone, never again, as if he had never existed. That's impossible. But that's just the way it is. The leafy maple poplar tree that I was leaning against would also disappear at some point, even though I might not have been the only one at that time.

"Are you okay?"

Of course it's not good, I was scared half to death by this sudden greeting. Behind the pitch-black school building, another person appeared without warning. If I hadn't known that the new campus of No. 1 High School had only been renovated for a few years, I would have thought that I had encountered a ghost. I'm afraid of ghosts, I know there are no ghosts in this world, I'm still afraid.

Good thing I could see her face.

"It's you. Didn't you go to the evening self-study? ”

"I'm going to ask you more." Mei Mei walked up to me, and I hurriedly used my sleeve to paste my eyes.

"What? Are you a member of the Disciplinary Committee? Caught skipping class? ”

"It's not. But you, trying to escape again? There was a hint of playfulness in her tone, but it gave me a sense of security.

"I didn't want to run away."

"Well, that's my mistake. Are you okay, though? ”

"It's okay, it's okay to be alive, can it?" This is a sincere answer.

"You seem to be a little scared. I'm not a ghost. ”

"Where am I afraid? I'm not afraid of ghosts, okay? ”

"Really? Then why don't you look down and look in case I don't have a shadow? ”

I instinctively looked down. The moment I looked down, I knew I was losing. She was right.

"I'm obviously very afraid of ghosts, and I don't admit it."

"How can I!" I was even more unconvinced when I was poked in the weakness, and I raised my voice to cover up the past.

"However, you are so afraid of ghosts, you dare to stay here alone at night. Did something happen? Her gentle questioning quickly extinguished my resentment. I bit my lip and nodded my head seemingly reluctantly.

"If you want to say it, I'll be willing to listen."

This is encouragement and inducement. I've never been willing to tell anyone about myself, including Millet. If my sister hadn't told him about Xianxian, he probably wouldn't have known in his life that I had a younger brother. No, he should know, after all, he will still be my best friend. I'll take him home, and the two of them will get into one bed, just like the Mid-Autumn Festival. But the version of the story he heard would be the same as Mr. Liu's, my brother was in Spain – maybe France or Italy, depending on which country I had in mind that day. He was favored by foreign teams and studied while playing football. I miss him so much. He never called me. But Mei Mei and Miller are different. She lacked a connection to my life. Even though she was in the literary club, I had never heard my sister mention her, and I didn't know what class she was in, and I didn't even know what her name was. Except for the notes that have "Red and Black" and "The Tall Old Man", we don't have any intersection. And that note was also taken away by Miller, and it has not been returned to me to this day.

I don't think it will affect her life. The two of us were like people we met by chance, passing each other and quickly disappearing into the sea of people. Maybe, I mean, maybe, I can talk to her. I hope no teacher passes by here, or she'll be mistaken for my girlfriend, and I won't even get a chance to explain. If I had been criticized for "having too close a relationship between men and women" that didn't exist, I would have wanted to hit my head and die. (Of course, if it happens, it won't kill you head-on.) ）

"I just saw a piece of news."

"Huh?"

"Chapecoense crashed. A Brazilian football team. Only six people on one plane survived. ”

It's winter. Her sigh cut through the night, turning into a puff of white gas.

"It's unfortunate."

I saw her take off the hat of her school uniform that she was wearing on her head. If she hadn't done it, I wouldn't have cared if she was wearing a hat attached to her school uniform. It's also normal that it's too cold in winter, especially at night.

"I don't understand." My words also dissolved into a white mist of a winter night, drifting in the shadows of the maple poplars.

"Can't understand what?"

"The world itself."

She tilted her head, as if looking at me in bewilderment. I spread out my hands and gestured out of thin air, trying to convey my stumbling language accurately.

"That's it...... You don't know how a person's life is arranged, and you don't know what every action of a person means and what it will bring. Can people really control their own destiny? Why did they disappear so easily? Some people have worked hard all their lives, but it is precisely because of his efforts that they have achieved nothing, or even worse. ”

"I understand what you mean. You have specific people and things in mind, right? ”

"That's right. I saw the story of the goalkeeper of the Chapecoense team. You know, I'm also a goalkeeper. His name is Danilo, he is a man who loves to read books and listen to music, and he likes a quiet life. He has a wife and a 2-year-old child, and the family is living happily. Just the other day, he was very good on the field, saving the opponent's shot and leading Chapecoense to the final. So they got on the plane they were on today. Now, they can't get where they want to go.

"I don't understand why they died, why they died like this. What if Danilo didn't act that well? No, I mean, I'm not blaming him. He's a very nice guy, a good player, a good husband, a good father. I've never watched his fights, I've only seen this report, but I love him...... I know best what a goalkeeper has to do on the pitch, as soon as the opponent shoots, our instinctive reaction is to save, to save. But who knows what will happen after this pounce? It can change the fate of so many people. Incredible. ”

"I see what you mean. After listening to your description, I like this player too. But you have to know that even if he doesn't save the opponent's shot, Chapecoense – I'm not wrong – their other players could turn the game around with a goal. And they'll be on that plane as well. In the distance, even if they were eliminated, there would be others on the plane. Maybe something will happen, maybe it won't. Maybe something happened, it was reported in the news, and because there weren't that many players, we didn't pay so much attention to it. But once you see it, you will also feel sorry for the victims, and anyone's death is a tragedy. A lot of things are uncertain. A small change may or may not have avoided a catastrophe at all. Chances are, we're just taking that seemingly changeable little thing as the deciding factor. ”

"I disagree. Some things can be avoided entirely. I stared at her.

"You're not talking about Chapecoense. Maybe you're talking about yourself. She lifted her index finger and shook it lightly in front of me.

"How do you know?"

"A girl's instinct."

"You're right. I'm a selfish ghost. I hung my head. Indeed, I was thinking about some of what I had done. I don't deserve to put myself with Danilo at all. He is a hero, a hero who happily and courageously pursues his dreams. What am I?

"There's no need to think so. I feel that you are saddened by the misfortune of others. You're sincere, and you don't want to escape what you really think, which is quite brave. You're an empathetic person, much better than a lot of people. She reached out and patted the skin of my neck. I didn't dodge. Obviously, I've always been disgusted by other people's contact with my body, especially afraid of being touched by girls. "Men and women are too close".

"I can understand that you may have thought of something from this disaster. It's okay if you don't want to say it. Don't think you're selfish, you can't help but see yourself in others. It's not neglecting others, it's not narcissism, it's a normal reaction. When I was very young, I was alone at home and bored, so I used to walk around the wall and lie on the windowsill to see the sky and clouds outside. When you've seen enough, come back and continue to circle the wall. In this way, I feel that everything in the house is a little different, but it is still my house.

"It's certainly not the first time you've thought about this kind of question. Maybe it has been bothering you for a long time, and it is a hurdle that you can't get around. Now that you've decided to face it, I think it's possible to cross over. We are still young, we still have a long life, as you said when you met me today, we are still alive. So, it's going to be fine. ”

I nodded. Even though the two of us were just spinning around a problem and didn't really touch it. But Mei Mei's calm expression made me relax a little. For a moment, I seemed to have some delusion or fantasy: this girl, whose name I still don't know, could be the one who could really put an end to the darkness that has always haunted my life.

No, it's not. Millet is. I thought so as I walked back to the classroom. The evening self-study was almost over, and I didn't write a word of my homework. Wait, tomorrow will be worse than today. It doesn't matter about my own life, I hope that someone else's tomorrow will be better.

[1] Rilke, "Serious Moments".