I frightened Pu Yun. Later, he told me that the moment he opened the door, he thought I had come to the door to break up. I must have had a very ugly face, and fear and anger went hand in hand: the fear of the looming truth made it all the more obvious to me that I had been deceived and deceived, and therefore I was very angry, and I used this unbridled anger against my friend to hide my inner fear.

Even though he knew that the visitor was not good, he let Ah Hua and I into the house. His father and mother were there, and when he saw them, his ugly face was slightly retracted. The two of us called out to my uncle and aunt in a proper manner. Their house was very tall, on the twenty-second floor, and there was a large window, and the white light penetrated through the whole area, illuminating the living room clean and bright, as if the waiting room and the top floor of the library, or some other place close to the clouds. Pu Yun's mother said I hadn't been to their house for several years. I was a little confused, I never seemed to have been to Pu Yun's house, but Xianxian had been there a few times. She probably thought of me like a string. But they must have known long ago that Xianxian was gone. I don't understand. Maybe she mistakenly thought Xianxian was back. If only I could come to Pu Yun's house to play in his place, even if it was only for a while.

I wasn't here to play that day. When I entered Pu Yun's room, he pulled me to his bed and sat down. His bedroom wasn't much bigger than mine, and it was just as well organized. He should have cleaned it up by himself, mine, before it was by tidying up the strings, and then it was my mother who was silently taking care of the empty it. As soon as I sat down, I quickly remembered what I had come for. I did. After hearing this, he glanced at Shi Zhenhua, I can't describe that kind of look, either disappointed or angry, but more helpless sadness. Ah Hua responded with a helpless sigh. I controlled myself and didn't let out a shout that would be heard by his parents, but I showed a resolute attitude: now, immediately, right now, you tell me the truth about Xianxian's departure. I know the truth exists, and I know that you know what happened, and you have to tell me.

It's strange that I knew I was being cheated on, and only today did I ask my friend so categorically. It was probably because I realized that they would relent, and at the same time knew that it would be difficult for me to get a second chance to get closer to the truth. By chance, I touched it, and I had to hold on to it with all my might, or I would forget it in the rest of my life. In that moment, I knew I could no longer sit idly by.

Pu Yun was made to cry by me. didn't make a sound, just wiping his tears, he finished the paper in the room, and didn't dare to go out to get it, so he had to rub it with his sleeve. I once again made my friends undignified, and in the same way, this bad behavior made me lose my self-esteem and become an animal led by emotions. Maybe I'm the only one in this world now who can make Pu Yun so uncomfortable, wiping his face while intermittently squeezing out everything he knows.

Pu Yun didn't say much for long, and as he said in the interview, he knew very little. Ahua is less. In short, Xianxian didn't die of a heart attack that I knew was a lie, but an accident, related to a falling object. Pu Yun told me that Zhao Rui witnessed the whole process, but he vowed never to tell anyone a single detail in his life. In addition, my sister had a pact with the three of them - to unify the voice, telling me that Xianxian died of a heart attack and not an accident.

I listened patiently to what he had to say, my head smoking, and I shuddered. It's already May, and I feel like I'm falling into a hole in the ice that is both white and dark, scorched by fire. I didn't care about Pu Yun and Ah Hua's red eyes, took out my mobile phone and dialed Zhao Rui's number. He didn't answer, and told me on WeChat that he was making up classes. I asked him where the make-up class was and when it ended. There is still an hour. I told them that I was going to the door to block him, and after saying that, I turned around and went out, I should have said goodbye to Pu Yun's parents very politely and calmly, as if nothing had happened, but that cold and godless wooden face may not be able to deceive anyone, not to mention that my two friends caught up with me without wiping their faces clean. Today is really the ugliest day of my life. No, it's not. The day I forced Xianxian to buy me gloves was a lot more hateful than it was today, and the consequences of it were long gone.

"Big brother, Brother Rui will come out later, can you not be angry with him?"

Zhao Rui made up lessons in an old community where there were no doormen. The unit building looks like it was built in the eighties and nineties of the last century, with peeling walls scattered and pitted patches. The weeds on both sides of the road were left untended and grew uncontrollably, crawling onto rusty and discarded sports equipment, as if trying to cover them forever. The two yellow dogs barked wildly, chasing and fleeing, and the last one caught the other with a spasmodic tongue and stopped at the entrance of the community in a strange posture. We found a stone bench that was not yet stained with black and white bird droppings, and sat down silently, with a dim propaganda sign behind it, with a famous quote written on it - "Don't take the good for the small, don't take the evil for the small", and the signature was Zhuge Liang. [1]

I didn't answer Pu Yun.

"Big brother, I know it's not good to deceive people. No one wants to lie to you, and no one wants to hurt you. Pu Yun gently tugged at my cuffs, and his two small eyes blinked under his naturally curly hair, as if pleading, "If you want to hit someone, just hit me." Don't hit Brother Rui. ”

"Why should I hit someone?"

I've never liked fighting. I admit that I hated Zhao Rui, especially in those two years. But after being on the same team as him for more than half a year, I don't seem to hate him that much. Today, I just want to dig out the truth of the past from him, and this strong desire and impulse does have a sense of violence, which inevitably makes Pu Yun mistakenly think that I am angry and ready to beat him hard. But I can't. If I really want to hit someone, I want to hit myself the most. But I can't just hit myself, there will be people who will be sad.

What exactly can I do?

"I'll just say it. Pewe had already said that he would never hit anyone again. ”

"Huh?" I was a little surprised, "You mean that review?" ”

At that time, I seemed to write "I won't dare to do it again next time", and I didn't say anything about beating people or not.

"Yes. You wrote 800 words. I feel like I can't write it even if I've squeezed myself dry, but you've really finished it. "Maybe it's to lighten the mood," Ah Hua touched my shoulder.

"It's not fair at all." Pu Yun pursed his mouth, "I remember that incident." I'm really guilty, I should have gone with my big brother. But I was completely confused......"

"You just said you didn't want Peve to beat people, why do you say you want to fight too?" Ah Hua pretended to smile easily, his face still tense.

"It's different!" Pu Yun shouted, "Brother Rui is his own person!" And he doesn't have bad intentions. What's that shovel bastard? Didn't you come for the waste? Brother Xian didn't let him shovel the fracture, it's okay! ”

What the hell are they talking about?

"Why let the eldest brother write a review! I want to expel him, is there any heavenly reason! ”

"The coach is there to protect us. He didn't want to fire Peve either, but he had to give someone an explanation. His old man told Pei Xian directly that he didn't blame Pei Wei for this matter, but he was temporarily avoiding the limelight. So later, Pei Xian didn't make any trouble to quit the team. ”

"You ......," I looked at them sluggishly and sluggishly, like an old man who couldn't remember the names of his relatives because of the passage of time, "what are you talking about?" Fire me? Review? String String Retirement? ”

I can't remember anything.

Surprised, they both sat closer to me and helped me remember an incident from two years ago. Actually, I haven't completely forgotten it, but I only remember the shadow of fragments. But...... Are the two of them telling the truth? Once a person can't remember things clearly, it's easy to be at the mercy of others. People tell you that your past is like this, so they can continue to tell you what you want to do now and what you will do in the future, and you can only do it obediently.

Nothing is scarier than amnesia. The good thing is that they are my friends, always have been. I have to trust them, and I can only trust them.

Two and a half years ago, I was not yet 11 years old. It was a race in early September, and no one could have imagined that two months later, the 11-year-old would never be able to reappear on the pitch. Perhaps, the man who came that day could have saved Xianxian. If he had really shoveled the strings, my brother wouldn't have had an accident and would still be able to sleep on top of my head.

String jumped up to dodge that murderous tackle, but it seemed to me at the other end of the goal that he was scooped and flying. The moment the referee blew the whistle, the strings got back up unharmed. And I rushed to his side, and in the anger of the exodus, the world was spinning, and I could barely remember what I did, but it was definitely not just the player who pushed the foul. According to them, one of my gloves grabbed him by the neck without saying a word, followed by punches and kicks. Out of control, I was like a hungry wolf, without any reason other than tearing apart the enemies we shared. The people on both sides couldn't separate the two of us, and it was Xianxian who hugged my waist and cried that he didn't hurt me at all before I let go. The referee gave me the red card. I don't remember exactly.

After that, because of the "bad influence", the organizing committee banned me indefinitely, and suggested through the school leadership that the school coach expel me. Most of the students on the school team stood up and said that if the school team expelled me, they would leave the team immediately. In the end, I wrote an 800-word review, promised that I would never hit anyone again, read it in front of all my teachers and teammates, and then sat in the stands outside the bench and waited for the ban to be lifted. I waited alone for two months, watching the weeds grow in the cracks in the stands, like waiting for a distant letter, but there was no sign that I would be able to get back on the pitch. Ah Hua said that the organizing committee lifted my ban in the third month, and at that time Xianxian was gone, and I had no intention of playing football at all.

I don't know if that's true or not. I think so, I know myself. The smaller the person, the closer they are to the animal. It's not a surprise to do this. This kind of violence and ferocity may be engraved in the depths of my soul. It is only in very rare cases that I vent my darkness through violence, and more often than not, I use the meanness and coldness of language. I'm the kind of cowardly and brutal animal.

Big brother, you're not wrong at all. Pu Yun shook my arm, as if trying to pull me back from my empty memories to the almost deserted old neighborhood. It was that time that I admired you even more, you did what I wanted to do but didn't dare to do. He said. I thought you were about as bold as me, but later I realized that it was not for nothing that Brother Xian respected you so much.

Peve has always been brave, and he's becoming more and more like a big brother. Pei Xian will be very happy to know it. Ah Hua is also talking. We've all grown up and been strong.

Are you sure?

"Ah, why are you three here?"

Zhao Rui, who was carrying a schoolbag, appeared in front of us, surprised, and his eyes showed a premonition of nervousness.

"Say it."

Again, I showed the same look I had when I had forced a confession. A terrible detective who has never done an investigation, just looks for clues and stumbles upon himself. When it appeared, I was desperate and unscrupulous to pursue it with a bloody head.

"Say what?" He subconsciously took two steps back, probably aware of what I was asking.

"Brother Rui, just tell Big Brother. We can't hide it from him for the rest of our lives. Pu Yun got up and put his hand on his shoulder, "Actually, I knew there would be such a day." You can't lie all the time. ”

Zhao Rui's trembling hand reached to the side of his cheek, as if trying to control his expression. He took a few deep breaths with great difficulty, as if he were swallowing something.

"You're so cruel."

"Aren't you cruel to keep hiding from me?" I shouted, "Treat me like a little fool, lie to me, tell me what to do, and say it's all for my good, why?" My brother is gone, and you're still going to lie to me! Zhao Rui, you are a dog, my sister's dog! ”

The resentment against him for two years came flooding up, and I had to gasp for breath, and Ah Hua kept patting me on the back.

"What do you know? Have you seen what Pei Xian was like at that time? You've never seen it! You...... You have no conscience at all, so why should you teach me? Obviously stimulated by my words, Zhao Rui's voice also increased several times, I have never seen him argue with others so anxiously and hard. He didn't quarrel at all, he couldn't even say dirty words, and he spit out for a long time, that is, "no conscience". It was probably the most offensive word he could come up with.

We yelled at each other like two roosters, and apart from scaring the two dogs so much that they crawled out of the community, we only made ourselves angry and crying, and our voices were so tired that our voices were hoarse. Luckily, no one passed by in the afternoon. Ah Hua and Pu Yun helped one by one, beating their backs while handing out napkins, and they didn't care about their tears falling on their pants. This kind of quarrel is too hurtful, but I was going to quarrel with Zhao Rui at that time, and no one could stop it.

"I'm sorry, I'm so excited." He apologized to me first, and after wiping away his tears, Zhao Rui calmed down a lot, "Now that you know, I must only tell you." But don't blame your sister, okay? She just wants to protect you. I also understand that lies will always be exposed, but this lie is really well-intentioned. I know you don't like me, but don't hate your sister. ”

"Big brother definitely won't. He's come to ask you, and he must be ready to face all this. Pu Yun leaned on my shoulder and asked with some encouragement and some tentativeness, "Right?" None of us are children anymore. ”

Are you sure? I'm afraid not. Ah Hua appeared in front of my door, and I didn't do anything at all. I was pushed here by the truth that came to my door. The past found me, and I had to follow it.

I nodded anyway. I really don't hate my sisters, and I don't hate them. I just want to know the truth.

"I can only give you a rough idea. Don't push me, okay? I promise that everything I say is true, but I don't want to recall those details. I'm sorry. After that, I had nightmares for a whole month, and I couldn't forget anything. He fell right in front of me, and if I had been ahead that day, I would have died. ”

He buried his head in his thigh and cried uncontrollably again. Ah Hua and Pu Yun had to comfort him again. I sat and watched this scene, and an inexplicable absurdity arose. What am I doing? What should I do? Do you want to appease Zhao Rui like your friends? And then? Wait for him to be better, good enough to say what I want to know? I'm forcing him to do what he doesn't want to do. Should I stop and tell him that I don't have to be so reluctant, I can't ask you to tell you about the past that you don't want to remember at all.

For him, telling these things is tantamount to revealing long-standing scars. I'm tearing at his wounds, which are already healed.

And where are my wounds? I often feel bad, but I can't find them.

After all, nothing was done. He's right. I'm so cruel.

He began to speak. That late autumn afternoon, I was banned from the court and couldn't come to the sidelines to watch the game that ended 1:1 because of fever. After the race, he went to eat something as usual and was about to go home, only to receive the call from the sinful. I was crying and fussing on the other end of the phone, tangling the strings and asking him to buy me a new pair of gloves. It wasn't a big deal, and the two of them walked down the sidewalk towards the mall a kilometer away. All the way are old houses, seven or eight stories high. There was no warning that there would be an accident that day. However, on a road where there were not many pedestrians, a black shadow fell from the sky, and the strings made a strange noise, so strange that they did not seem to be made by a child, and then fell to the ground in a dull manner, beside the broken slag of a green beer bottle. Zhao Rui was so panicked that she didn't know whether to call 110 or 120 first. He hit them all. It wasn't until he was taken to the hospital that he remembered to call my mom and dad. He also called his parents, and they carried Zhao Rui, who was guarding the door of the rescue room, home. He didn't know when he fell asleep that day, and he cried when he fell asleep, and he cried for a long, long time, and the quilt and pillow were wet. When he woke up, he ran to the living room without his clothes and pants on. Before he could say anything, his mother shook his head slightly. His eyes were black, and he fell on the coffee table, his forehead was broken, and blood was pouring down.

Zhao Rui only said one detail, the peaked cap. When the string fell on the pavement, he went to shake him, and he didn't react, just the white edge of the cap turned red little by little, inexorably. Later, he took it off and put it over the string face. His face was very calm at the end, as if he was asleep, still smiling.

No wonder I can't find that hat anymore.

Big brother, are you okay? Pu Yun tentatively rubbed my forehead against my shoulder.

I'm sorry. I've been wrong for you for a long, long time. You are my best friend. After patting Pu Yun, I put both hands on Zhao Rui's shoulders, pulled him closer to me, and put my forehead on my forehead a little closer. The tired afternoon light warmed me, but it was even colder when we were separated. Zhao Rui also told me that the person who lost the bottle was sentenced to three years, but he did not know the specific situation, and everything was handled by my parents at that time. It's hard to ask and don't dare to ask.

Just because of such a boring person, a boring beer bottle, my brother's life was easily and casually ruined. But...... Before the bottle fell, was there a more boring person who asked him to do something completely meaningless? In this world, things are falling from the sky all the time, and there are very few things that kill people. It wasn't for me who made that damn call, that beer bottle would just fall onto the sidewalk at some moment when no one cared and turned into a pile of forgotten broken glass. But the string just appeared where it fell, just because of me, just because of me.

As fate would have it, it was. Like countless horrific conjectures, I killed my brother.

[1] The order of this famous sentence is reversed, and it was said by Liu Bei.