"Big brother, cheer up a little. Please. ”

Puyun crouched in front of me and tapped his fingers on my knees, trying to amuse me a little more. Ah Hua and Zhao Rui were also close to me, giving me the feeling that the felons were being guarded by three police officers.

"Big brother, I know you're sad. We're all sad. After Brother Xian left, I didn't go to school for two weeks, and Brother Rui also said that he had nightmares for a month, and Ah Hua actually wanted to go to you several times, but he didn't even dare to knock on your door when he arrived at your door. We all have the same thing in our hearts. Brother Xian is each of our best friends......"

"Don't mention these things, the more you mention Peve, the more sad I feel. Let's talk about something else. Ah Hua said.

Pu Yun nodded hurriedly, tilted his head and pondered for a while, and continued to speak: "Big brother, I know that both of you brothers love to read. Actually, I like it too. Do you know Tolstoy? The great Russian writer. I read a story about Tolstoy having a young son who died at the age of seven......"

"Don't talk about that, okay? Why do you always talk about what you can't die for? Ah Hua complained.

"It's fine." I shook my head and told him I would listen.

"You're going to let me finish the story." Pu Yun blinked aggrievedly, "One evening after the death of his youngest son, Tolstoy was walking outside with a young writer. As the spring breeze blew, the two of them crossed the snowy land, and Tolstoy crossed the canal with a start, so fast that the young writer could barely keep up. At this time, he turned back to the young man and said that he had died a good boy and was very lovely, but he had died. However, there is no death in the world. As long as we love Him, He is alive.

"Big brother, I think, Brother Xian hasn't left us either. As long as we love him and remember him, he has not left. I dreamed of him, as if he was still there. ”

I've never dreamed of strings once. Tolstoy, of course, can say that there was no death, and that he did not kill his youngest son.

"Brother Xian must hope that we can all be happy. If he sees you so downcast, he must blame us friends for not doing our duty. Pu Yun had a child's expression, "So, let's have a good time!" ”

I smiled at him cooperatively, and he jumped up with delight.

"That's right! That's it! Like a teacher praising a kindergarten child, he said, "So, let's make an agreement here!" It's just for the four of us, no, it's a five-person agreement. ”

"What's the agreement?" Zhao Rui asked.

"I just ask Brother Xian to be a witness in heaven, we are friends now, and we will always be friends. Let's inherit Brother Xian's dream and continue to play football, whether it is in middle school or college, whether it is working or retiring, let's not forget him, and don't forget to play football. We only came together because of football, and even if we were separated, as long as we were still playing, we could remember each other. Pu Yun stretched out his little finger and shook it incessantly, as if he was ready to hook us one by one, "As long as we stick to Brother Xian's love and ideals for football, he will stay by our side forever." In this final, I'm trying my best to get the championship, right, Ah Hua? ”

Ah Hua nodded, and so did Zhao Rui. I looked indifferently, and they all had smiles on their faces that I hadn't seen in a long time.

"Big brother thinks so too, right? You're playing better and better, and you're a leader, Brother Xian must be very relieved to know it. Brother Rui, have you decided on your captain for next season? We have already decided to give it to Ah Hua, and I think it is very suitable for the captain of No. 1 Middle School to give it to the eldest brother. Big brother is definitely as handsome as Brother Xian when he wears an armband......"

He's still chattering. Inheriting my brother's dream? I hate this from the bottom of my heart.

"That's enough."

They looked at me in bewilderment. I tried to be as calm and restrained as I could, and I didn't let the emotion get carried away again. After it receded, I felt more awake than ever before, knowing what I wanted to say and how to express it.

"Don't say that. No one has the right to say anything about inheriting his dream. Me too. ”

"Big brother?" Pu Yun was obviously confused by me, and the two of them were no exception.

"Xianxian is dead, and we're still alive, understand?" My eyes widened, and they shook their heads, an incommunicable irritability that stirred me up a lot, and my hands were gesturing, "We can't possibly know what he thinks." You say he will be happy or sad, what dreams he has, it's all your own thoughts, not his thoughts! We don't know what he thinks. He's dead and gone, and even if I dream of him, isn't that also my own dream? What does chord strings have to do with each other? When a person dies, there is nothing. ”

"But big brother...... Doesn't Brother Xian like to play football very much? Isn't football your brother's dream? Pu Yun looked at me in alarm, as if his long-held faith had been shaken.

"At least my dream is not football. If he hadn't pulled me to kick a ball, I would never have touched this thing for the rest of my life. I hate it sometimes, and it's nice to play basketball or baseball so he doesn't die. It's ridiculous to die with gloves that don't have for a set of fart. ”

"If you don't like it, you don't like it, why do you say that Brother Xian doesn't like it! How do you know he doesn't like it! ”

Instead, Pu Yun quarreled with me. This is the first time.

"Because he died at 11, didn't he?" I growled, "If I die at the age of 11, will you think that I love to play football and make an appointment with Xianxian to commemorate me in this hellish place, saying that I am not dead at all, and that I will inherit my dream." What a mess! When a person dies, he dies, don't bring the plot from Japanese anime to my life and my brother's life! My brother is gone before he can figure out what he wants to do in the future, what right do you have to put what you like on his head? A dead man cannot speak, and I will not allow you to take advantage of him like this! Don't kid yourself anymore, don't you like to move yourself? ”

"Kopeve! I don't allow you to call Brother Xian dead, even if you are his brother! Don't call it that! ”

"Did I say something wrong? Can't you hear the truth? It's my loved ones who are dead, not yours! ”

Ah Hua and Zhao Rui grabbed him in time, otherwise Pu Yun would have kicked me.

"Ke Peiwei, you son of a bitch! I thought you were like me! You don't deserve to be his brother at all! ”

"Who do you think you are? You are God, you know what the dead think? ”

I said that word again. At that moment, I was deliberately trying to provoke him. That night, when I ran to the bathroom alone, I thought that I had mentioned the word several times today, and I suddenly cried against the wall, thinking that I would not die 10,000 times. But in this afternoon, Pu Yun broke free from Zhao Rui's control, kicked me to the ground, and when he grabbed me and beat me hard, I still insisted on repeating the word. This scene is probably similar to Luda's punching of Kansai. A very short Ruda. I really should have hit. Maybe it's to get beaten up a bit, that's why I say that. I don't know.

"Okay, okay, they're all friends, don't be so hands-on."

The two of them finally pulled Pu Yun away.

"I don't have such friends, it's cut in two! I don't know this bastard! Never see him again! After Pu Yun finished speaking, he buried his head in Ah Hua's arms and whimpered, crying and saying why it was Xianxian who died, and why such a good person as him died.

Zhao Rui helped me up, who was covered in ashes.

"Do you think that's not what I think?" I looked at Pu Yun, who was still crying, and said, "I also hope that the person who died is not Xianxian but me." What can I do? ”

I cried again. Ah Hua and Zhao Rui froze in place, Pu Yun turned around, rubbed his nose with his hand, shook off the anger just now, and quietly slipped to my side.

"Big brother, that's not what I meant. Don't think so. ”

"Actually, you both care a lot about Peixian. It's just that you think differently and think differently. But I don't think anyone is right or wrong. Zhao Rui patted both of us on the arm at the same time, "After the quarrel, we are still good brothers." There are so many people in the world, how difficult it is for you to meet, why should you be separated forever? ”

Pu Yun silently walked behind me and patted the dust on my back.

"But I didn't expect that Peiwei wouldn't even be able to beat Pu Yun now." Ah Hua scratched his head.

"What's the matter, Pu Yun is already very strong, he hasn't used any tricks!"

"Ah, big brother, you are not allowed to say it!" He was startled and slipped back from behind me. His trick is to bite people, and he has tried a hundred times before. But now that we're older, he probably won't use it anymore.

I would wink at him heartily.

"Actually, he let me. Didn't fight back. Pu Yun looked at me, "If the eldest brother really wants to beat me, I definitely can't beat me." Think about his throat lock, I don't know who I learned it from, accurate, timely, and perfect. ”

Am I really that good before?

"So think about it, Pei Xian was shoveled, Ke Ke chased that person and beat him, why didn't he care about Pei Xian? That's his own brother. Zhao Rui said, stretching out her hand and scratching Pu Yun's nose.

"I'm sorry, big brother. I shouldn't have hit you. As soon as I felt that what you said was not to my liking, I wanted to do it. Brother Xian is very important to me, and I have always regarded him as my brother. I'm sorry, but you're brothers. You have your ideas, and I should respect you, after all, you live together. Actually, I'm quite jealous of you, jealous that you have such a good brother. After he is gone, sometimes I can't help but want to think of you as him, hoping that you will become like him and replace him with you. That's not right, it's my wishful thinking. ”

I didn't say anything and hugged him.

"But, Koko, do you really not like football? I think we've had a great year in the team. When you win the game and the coach compliments us, you smile as happily as everyone else. When you work hard to defend with Miller and Ruiyang, you are also full of fighting spirit. Are these all fake? Everybody's got a lot of love for you. Zhao Rui asked again.

I lowered my head and bit my lip.

"It's not fake. I also enjoy being around everyone. Just be with everyone. ”

"Okay, I've been crying for a long time today, don't cry anymore. A manly man, if you cry again, you will scratch your nose. Zhao Rui rubbed my hair.

"Actually, you should have told us earlier. We're all here. Ah Hua said, "But it's good that you have so many new friends now, after all, Pu Yun and I can't be by your side all the time." ”

"I'm sorry, big brother, I take back what I said before. Let's reconcile with each other. Seeing me nodding vigorously, Pu Yun's courage became a little bigger, "It's just that I kind of want to figure out, why do you say that no one has the right to inherit his dream?" ”

"Like you said, there's no one who can replace anyone. The string is always himself. We can't replace his ideas with our own. He's gone, and we can't know what he thinks. He did love football, but he never said it was his dream. Xianxian left before he could tell me what he was going to do, so suddenly. No one can know whether a person has a mind or a soul after death. Probably not at all. All we think of is self-comfort, or a little motivation for ourselves. However, I don't like it. I don't like the kind of hot-blooded inspirational in Japanese anime, it's far from our lives. A man left me, he was the closest person to me, and I couldn't have gained any motivation from his departure. Death is cruel. In real life, the story of sacrificing one person to make another person work hard is disgusting. I'd rather be a wreck for nothing, than sacrifice anyone to wake me up." Life and death are extremely heavy, and they cannot be easily carried. I don't know why I'm playing or why I'm back on the pitch, but I know that I'm not here to fulfill my brother's wishes. The living and the dead are not equal. The living enjoy everything in life, and the dead have nothing. He should be given a little quiet, we already have everything he doesn't have, so stop yelling about yourself. None of us have ever died, and we can't really imagine what happens after death. ”

I didn't tell them all about my inner thoughts, at least the most important point: I am the one who destroyed the strings, how can I be qualified to inherit his dream? I hurt someone and said that I wanted to live better for him, what a shameless idea. Actually, when I quarreled with Pu Yun just now, I more or less regarded him as my own. I don't allow myself to inherit his dream, so I think Pu Yun doesn't have this right. It's like he feels like he's going to follow the strings, so I have to follow the strings too. We are doing completely opposite things, and the ideas in our minds are very similar, and we all reveal a strong and primitive stubbornness.

"Big brother, I see. However, I still disagree. May I? I nodded, and Pu Yun put his head on me, "Big brother, have you ever heard the saying, 'You have given your time to your rose, and it is unique to you.'" 'I've put in a lot of time and effort for Brother Xian, and I believe that I'm carrying on his dream, and I believe that he would be happy if he knew that I kept working hard to catch up with him, is that really wrong?' Brother Xian will always be my goal. I know you've given him a lot more time than I do. But Brother Xian, he is not only your brother, he is also my friend, and he has also done a lot for me. So he's a unique part of me as well. Maybe it's really a little fantasy for me, but it's very important to me. Without Brother Xian, I don't know what I would be like now. ”

To be honest, Pu Yun, I really envy you. Envy that you can dream of strings, envy that you can chase strings without any worries, envy that your hands are so clean and have not been stained with other people's blood. And I can't be like you again. There is no way to undo the mistakes made in the past.

Is it really destined to be like this? What about my life? It is destined not to wash away the blood of others, it is destined to be shriveled and sinful, as long as I have a conscience.

But I can't get rid of it yet.

"Peve, you're in a daze again. Don't be cranky. Ah Hua shook me, "You're always thinking too much. ”

"Ah Hua, don't say that. It's not a question of thinking too much or too little. Zhao Rui put his arm around my shoulders, "He has his own ideas. Don't be so firm and so solemn in believing that only normal, positive, and happy can be useful. Suffering may be as good as happiness. ”[1]

I don't know what he's talking about.

"Big brother, Brother Xian can't come back. I can't do anything big, but at least you have to be good. If you think I'm wrong, I'll never play again. I can do it. Can you be a little happier? ”

Pu Yun's firm and solemn gaze made me ashamed and afraid. Growing up, I carefully expected myself not to be a person who laughed at other people's dreams. Now that Pu Yun said these words to me so seriously, I suddenly felt that I once again had the possibility to change the trajectory of other people's lives. I will never make the same mistake again. Maybe I still think that the "dream of inheriting the strings" is nonsense, but I know that Pu Yun likes strings and football, and I also like to watch him fall and get up on the stadium, as if to tell everyone that as long as there is a breath, everything is still possible. I like this belief and envy Pu Yun for having it. No matter how self-defeating and hard-hearted I am, I can't interfere with or disturb the firm will of others. Pu Yun will always belong to himself, to the heart that is clean and refuses to bow his head.

I ruined my own chord life, and I can't ruin anyone else's anymore.

"Pu Yun, I'm also very mean when I speak myself. You should be angry. I will try to be as gentle as possible in the future, especially to those closest to me. You'll catch up with the strings. I'm going to win the championship this year. I don't know if Xianxian will be happy, but if you win the championship, I will be happy. ”

"Big brother."

"Huh?"

"If you have time, come to my house to play. Brother Rui and Ah Hua also came together. ”

He scratched his head and said that he had wanted to invite me for a long time, but he didn't expect to come uninvited today. But it's too much of a hurry to count, and I have to have a good time next time, and I'm not allowed to come or leave as soon as I say.

I agreed. Now it's time to find a place to wash your face, the afternoon is almost over, and you have to go back to school in the evening to take exams. I had to wash up a little so that my mom and dad couldn't see what I was going through that afternoon. No matter how much you try to clean it, some things will never wash off. They sent me downstairs to my house, and when I turned to leave, the shadows faded into the sinking sunset. They went out into the sun. And me? After the sun goes down, I can only slowly walk back into the darkness that belongs to me.

[1] Zhao Rui's sentence is a reference to Dostoevsky's Notes from the Basement.