The late test was 15 minutes late. Fortunately, I am usually more well-behaved, and in the eyes of the old class, my tardiness must be "for a reason". Without saying a word, he handed the paper to me, who was standing at the door and did not dare to come in, waved his hand, and turned his head back to the podium in a dashing manner.

I seem to have become a "privileged" child. The teachers didn't scold me much, probably because I rarely made mistakes, and they thought I was a trustworthy child, a child who could tell right from wrong without saying much. But if I make too many mistakes, or if I make too many mistakes, they will no longer trust me, and I will not have this "privilege".

The teachers gave me "privileges" because of their trust, but what are the other "privileges"? Maybe it's caring, maybe it's "not at ease", in short, their existence says one thing: I'm no longer who I used to be. If it were another child, maybe it would be too late to envy it. If I had no conscience, I could have enjoyed this convenience with peace of mind, or even made more excessive requests, and if I did, both relatives and friends would do their best to satisfy me. But I know that behind the "privilege" is the unbearable weight of life. It's not fair that I'm enjoying the love of others while escaping punishment.

But what can I do to make amends? I can only punish myself. Always remember the mistakes you have made and never repeat them. Other than that, it's better to do nothing at all.

The hot wind blew through the long corridor and through the gaps in the railings, as if people had been sighing for a long time. In the silence of the night, I wandered aimlessly, like an amnesiac ghost. What I'm waiting for is Miller - the evening self-study on the weekend has long been over, their class is still brightly lit, and the English teacher has left the whole class to write silently.

Maybe jumping from here will end it all. Thinking so about it as I walked to the end of the corridor of the school building, the tip of my shoe crept out of the railing on the lowest level, and I whistled in a daze. Impossible. Suicide is cowardice. I can't punish others for my mistakes anymore.

"See you again."

I really wondered if my whistle triggered something, and in the school building where people were walking about the same distance, Mei Mei suddenly appeared behind me, and as always, scared me half to death.

"Can you call my name before you say hello?" It's not good to lose your temper at her, and it's not good to show a frightened look in front of her, so I can only say that. She had a lollipop in her mouth and handed me one without taking it.

"Everybody's home, why don't you go back? Are you waiting for someone, or have you lost something? It seems to be about the same. I can help you find it, or accompany you and so on. The light voice was wrapped in the roundness of the lollipop, and seeing that I didn't answer, Mei Mei continued, "You seem to be busy, are you busy in a daze?" It's still the same. You listen to others attentively, but at the same time you are distracted. ”

"I lost a piece of ice." I don't know why I'm saying such inexplicable things, maybe I'm too bored and I want to talk to people.

"It's summer. You can't find it. ”

"Yes. I can't find it anymore. ”

"If only you lost it in the winter."

"Winter isn't good either, there's ice everywhere and I can't find my piece."

"Oh, winter isn't good either. So when is it better to lose it? ”

"I'm the only one in the world when I have ice."

"That's not necessarily good. You'll be even sadder if you lose something unique. ”

"That's right."

"You lost yesterday."

"We didn't lose, we just got eliminated."

"Is there a difference?"

"There is no difference. But the game was a draw. ”

"You're not happy."

"I'm not happy."

"It's a shame that I heard you played well, but it was a little bit worse. But no one is happy to lose, right? ”

"yes, but we didn't lose."

She took a bite of the candy cube and crunched.

"Why don't you eat sugar?"

"I don't like to eat."

"Why?"

"It's so sweet."

"Sugar is sweet, it can't be bitter."

"Yes, sugar is sweet. I don't like to eat sweets. ”

"You like to endure hardship?"

"I don't like it."

"You're weird."

"I think so."

"Always looking listless."

"Is there anything to look forward to?"

"You've got something on your mind. It's a very heavy heart. ”

"It has nothing to do with you."

"It has nothing to do with me."

"Yes."

"You're a little lonely."

"I'm a little lonely."

"Do you like to look in the mirror?"

"Why do I like to look in the mirror?"

"When you're lonely, you look in the mirror."

"Oh."

"I'm still lonely after the photo."

"yes."

"What do you want to do in the future?"

"I don't know."

"I think you're fit to drive a taxi."

"I'm fit to drive a taxi."

"You will meet strangers, and you can tell them what is on your mind."

"Will they listen?"

"No, it won't. Most people don't. They'll just tell you to drive a little faster, a little faster. Pay attention to the direction. Hurry up and turn the corner. Otherwise, we won't be able to arrive tomorrow. ”

"How do you know?"

"Chekhov told me."

"Do you all like Chekhov?"

"I like it."

"Oh. Chekhov was a good writer. ”

"Yes. Chekhov was a good writer. ”

"I'm a little cold."

"It's already May. You're a little cold. ”

"Do cats in school get cold? Big night. ”

"'A cat will take care of itself,' like a pigeon will fly out. If you ask the goats, I don't know. ”[1]

"Oh, I don't have to worry about them."

"yes, you don't have to worry about them."

"Meimei."

"I'm here."

"Does a person have a soul when he dies?"

"You're looking at Lu Xun."

"Nope."

"Did you think of it?"

"I thought of it myself."

"It's not a question that can be answered casually."

"So, you don't want to answer."

"No, you asked, I have to answer, but I can't answer randomly."

"You can't answer. You didn't die. ”

"Yes, I didn't die. You didn't die either. ”

"I've never died."

"Nobody can tell. It's true. ”

"Oh."

"Can you give me a moment to think about it? I'll think about it seriously and I'll answer you. ”

"Meimei."

"What's wrong?"

"My brother is dead."

"Ahh

I seem to see Mei Mei's white breath a few months ago. Winter has passed, summer has arrived, and I still feel cold. Maybe she knew. Without saying anything else, she slammed the lollipop and swallowed it, silently walking behind me.

"I'm sorry. This has nothing to do with you. Ruined your mood. ”

"It has something to do with me now."

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I didn't hold back just now. ”

"Nope. You say. Say whatever you want. I'm in. ”

"My brother has been dead for two and a half years, almost three years. To help me do a boring thing, he was smashed on the way by a bottle thrown down from upstairs. It's strange that a person can be stoned to death by a bottle. ”

"'Hey! God's will is elusive. ’”[2]

"Do you believe in God?"

"I don't believe it."

"Then why do you say that?"

"I don't know. Probably because I don't believe in God. ”

"There is no God. Even if there were, it wasn't God who made him die, it was me. ”

"Why?"

"He died on the way to help me buy something. I didn't tell him to go, he wouldn't have died. ”

"It could be so."

"He's amazing. I'm not as good as him in any way. Everybody loves him. But he died. ”

"Hmm."

"Damn me."

"No one is damned."

"But we're all going to die."

"Yes."

"My family and friends lied to me for two years that he died of a heart attack."

"Why lied to you?"

"Probably to protect me, to make me less uncomfortable. Not necessarily, maybe I'm afraid of revenge. When I was a child, I fought for my brother, and I didn't want to die when I fought. ”

"Are you going to go to the guy who threw something?"

"I don't know. Maybe. But he was sentenced to three years, and he hasn't come out yet. ”

"Do you want revenge?"

"My brother can't come back."

"They shouldn't lie to you."

"Nope. I only found out today that I was scammed. I was aware of it before, but I didn't dare to confirm it. I love lies. It's just that it can't fool me anymore. ”

"That's it."

"I can't dream of him."

"You can't dream of your brother?"

"I can't dream of it, I can't dream of it once."

"I can't dream of it once. Do you want to dream of him? ”

"I guess so. But I'm scared. I'm afraid to see him. ”

"You're afraid to see him."

"You don't dare look him in the eye. He must hate me. ”

"Possibly."

"I'm done with my life."

"You're still young. A lifetime is still long. ”

"It's the same every day. A lifetime is a day. I'm done. ”

"Don't say things like that. I don't like it. ”

"But I can't help it."

"You have a way. You're already doing it. ”

I turned and looked at her suspiciously. In the darkness, I couldn't make out her expression. She probably couldn't see me clearly.

"You didn't run away this time." She gently took my hand and slapped the lollipop that was prepared for me firmly in my palm, "When you say it, you are facing the past." Whether it's happiness or pain, you're facing it. ”

"It's useless. The younger brother died. ”

"You're alive."

"The thought of this makes me even sadder."

"At least you won't run away anymore. Whether it's self-blame or remorse, you carry them on your back. Walk up and don't let them crush you. You throw a piece of ice, it melts, it turns into water, it turns into gas, you can't find it, you just can't see it. It's still there, and there's no trace left at all. Don't use your eyes, look for it with your heart, you can still feel it. You put the water back together and freeze it into ice, it won't be the ice of the past anymore, each of us knows it, but you're already looking for it. You may not find the ice, but you may find yourself. ”

"What's the use?"

"Whether it's useful or not depends on anyone, it's up to you. It's like the piece of candy in your hand, it's already yours, it's up to you to decide whether to eat it or not, how to eat it, and when to eat it. You're not going to give me back the sugar, are you? ”

Nodding his head, he shook his head hurriedly. Anyway, I put the sugar in my pocket.

"Go home. Good bye. ”

"Hmm. See you next time. ”

The wind blew through the corridor, and she disappeared into the darkness.

"What are you doing here!"

A familiar voice sounded with some pretense of majesty.

"Hands up, you've been arrested by me!"

I obediently did.

"Come with me!"

On the way back to the dormitory by Miller, I tried to explain several times that I didn't even know what the girl's name was. But he didn't give me any chance to explain until we both entered the room. In the dormitory, everyone was busy with their own business, as usual. I was pushed onto the balcony by Miller.

"Do you know what you've done?"

This posture is even more majestic than when I interrogated Pu Yun and Zhao Rui today.

"I was wrong."

"What's wrong?"

"I didn't tell you ......"

"It's good to know! Not next time. Scared the hell out of me. He stood on tiptoe and scratched my nose, "Didn't you say okay, you have to go and find out about it, and we have to be together?" Why did you go without a sound? ”

I smiled helplessly. Nine times out of ten, Zhao Rui told him, or it may be that Zhao Rui told his sister, and his sister told him again.

"And a smile! I'm going to punish you! Millet jumped up and knocked me on the skull.

"Obviously, you didn't let me contact you."

"What does it have to do with Mingming? No quibbles! Now it's the trial! He unreasonably diverted the subject, and hammered his palm with his fist, "Sentence you to cede half of the bed to me as compensation!" ”

"How to cut, and there is no saw."

Of course, I couldn't have cut my bed in half and put it on Millet's top bunk. If we do, the life teacher will have to blast us out and sleep on the street. Miller was asking me to sleep with him tonight, although it seemed to him that he might be sleeping with me. However, we would both only huddle together when our roommates weren't around. I can imagine their faces when they saw Millet lay straight on my bed after the lights went out. Fortunately, Tao Tao talked about yesterday's game during the night chat, and the other two roommates probably thought that we were eliminated and were sad, so they wanted to accompany each other.

"Koko." When everyone was asleep, Millet whispered in my ear.

"What's wrong?"

"If that person is out of prison and you want to find him, you must call me. Otherwise, I'll never play with you again. Do what you say. ”

"Got it. But why did you tie our feet together? You'll have to untie it early tomorrow, or they'll see something very bad. ”

"I'm afraid you'll sleepwalk."

"Where have I ever sleepwalked?"

"Sleeping."

"You're afraid I'll jump off the building, right?"

"Sleep!"

"I'm not going to jump off a building."

"I told you, sleep. Are you annoyed? ”

"Let's be like this now, if I jump off the building, aren't you afraid that I will take you with you?"

"You dare!"

I really don't dare. I saw a news before, it was in Chongqing, there was a man who jumped off the building and hit two girls passing by. All three died. Murder is the most serious sin, whether it is killing someone else or oneself.

"Koko."

"Huh?"

"Why don't you speak?"

"Didn't you say sleep?"

"Oh. That's right. I thought last night, I'm going to do my shots, and I'm going to do the free-kicks. ”

"I'll practice with you."

"I'm going to be stronger than Pu Yun."

"You must be better than him."

"We'll win next year."

"Millet."

"How?"

"I have a lollipop in my coat's pocket. I'll turn it out early tomorrow morning, and we'll split it, okay? ”

"Not good."

"Why?"

"You have to brush your teeth before you can eat sugar. We ate after brushing our teeth. ”

"Okay."

The next morning, I rummaged through my clothes and pants, but I couldn't find the lollipop, and I was so anxious that I almost threw things again. Miller hugged me and told me that he would go to the school gate at noon to help me buy a new one. As a result, I asked him to swear that he would not go alone. Staying up until noon, the two of us went out of school together. He walked ahead, and I put my hand on his shoulder, and followed without leaving it, keeping my eyes on the sky. After all, there are several floors above the snack shop. Then I stepped into a pit in the sidewalk, and both of them fell. Miller laughed angrily and helped me pat the ashes while counting my eyes. But anyway, the lollipop we bought was really sweet, and I didn't hate it very much. It would be nice if I could find the previous one again.

[1] Ernest Hemingway, The Old Man at the Bridge.

[2] García Márquez, "Tuesday Nap Time."