It was this night that I learned the meaning of the lie, why Mom and Dad kept telling me about a heart attack and not an accident: they wanted to keep me behind the bloody reality. The last moment I saw Xianxian, he remained calm, smiling through the transparent glass as if in his sleep. This protection is long-lasting and lasting, not only in the moment when I know that Xianxian will never be in my life again, nor only in the long days after I saw him for the last time I could not speak of pain. Maybe they thought that if one day I met someone who made me lose my brother, or someone who was related to this person, I would be hurt again, or even create new damage. At home, I was the least daring, but the most grumpy, and perhaps deep down, I had a violent and uncontrollable emotion. This tendency is dangerous, and when I let this emotion out, I don't know what I can do. And after I have done it, I tend to forget about it.

I believe that Zhao Rui told me the truth that day. I did choke the foul player by the neck while the game was still going on and was sent off with him. Although I don't remember anything about it, I only remember the scene where the strings were shoveled and flying. I don't doubt that the person who rushed up to do it was me. I didn't dream of him after Stringstring's death, but I did dream that I met the person who had something to do with his death. While still believing in the explanation of heart disease, I dreamed of Zhao Rui. After they told me about the accident, I dreamed of a drunken man with a cigarette in his mouth, tall, almost bald, with a fat scalp folds at the back of his head, and his eyes were unapproving of everything. Of course, I also dreamed of myself. I did have thoughts of revenge, interrogating them in my dreams, interrogating everyone, including myself, with the gavel of judgment in my hand. In these dreams, I tried to speak, my voice was hoarse, but I never spoke, and those words clogged in my chest, like sinking in thick water, prompting me to roll over unconsciously in bed. So, I knew it was a dream, and I would never be able to avenge my brother. Even though I thought countless times about finding out the truth about his death, I never really acted. "Just standing there in a daze, just standing there in a daze and dreaming." It wasn't until that video inadvertently revealed the truth that I just pushed my friends to tell me what they knew. I didn't dare to ask my parents and sister, or to investigate the case that went back in time. It's not just that I don't dare, I don't have the ability to do it at all. I'll always be a cowering and wandering little boy.

Yet, in the dampness of the rain tonight, the black shadow of the past struck me with all its truth. Finally, I can say that this matter is clearly and clearly presented in front of my eyes, without the slightest cover-up. I was terrified, terrified after seeing the truth, and my hands trembled as I took the razor that Li Bin handed me, and I almost dropped it to the ground. Maybe sometimes, people just don't have enough courage to face the truth. In the cramped room, the walls on all sides seemed to be pressed by the light and raindrops, and I remembered a line from the school drama festival, "I must want to drill into the wall, I will use all my strength to drill into that wall with my back, the wall is against me, I can't get in, like in a nightmare." I wanted to run away, but my body was still where it was.

I know you hate me and hate my mom even more. You've been holding it back for a long time, three whole years. I've been harboring this guilt for three years. So, you vent your pain and give me a chance. I don't have the face to beg you to forgive me and Mom, we don't deserve to be forgiven. I just want to beg you for one thing: don't hurt her. I take responsibility for all the mistakes my parents made, because it was all up to me. Without me, there wouldn't be so much sadness. I'll give you the knife and you can use it. Li Bin said, pointing to his thin face, as if encouraging me. Don't be afraid, I'll try not to shout or scream at whatever you do, and there's no one around here. You've got to hurry, before my mom comes back. If anyone asks me, I'll say I did it myself, you haven't been here today, and everything has nothing to do with you.

I looked up at the razor, my fingers carefully stroking the blade with a dull cold glow. Mu Zheng grabbed my wrist. Koko, I beg you not to do that. His mother was at fault, but she had been punished by the law. Binbin has nothing to do with your brother's affairs. I'm begging you, don't do it.

He's going to do it! You're not him, don't persuade people here! We didn't get a decent punishment at all. Li Bin's roar shook Mu Zheng and me. We were both still dazed, and he bit his lip and knelt down in front of me. His head was up, and he looked at me with tears in his eyes. Seeing that I didn't respond, I closed my eyes first. I saw his eyelids and throat throbbing nervously, as if he was trying to prepare for his impending fate while he was being slaughtered.

Mu Zheng's hand still didn't let go.

Avenge? I was given the opportunity to live in an abandoned factory far from the city. They made it clear to me that I could do whatever I wanted without any responsibility. How much power is that? Perhaps I will never have the second chance to do this in my life. But what am I going to do? What should I do? Scratch his face with a razor blade? Pour out all the darkness of my last three years to complete a great carving? Am I in pain? There is no doubt that yes, those shadows have never been completely dispelled in the past three years. But I seem to be trying to get rid of them. I wanted to live well, live well like I used to, even though I knew I could never go back in time, that person didn't exist anymore. But...... If I took revenge now, would I really be better?

Would you want me to do that?

It's all such a coincidence, did you bring me here in the dark?

Are you there? Can you see what's going on in this world? What should I do?

Do you still have any resentment? What else would you like to accomplish?

Why can't I hear you?

Is it true that people will be wiped out? You answer me. You just don't say it, you don't say a word.

I feel like I'm crying. It's so annoying, I've cried a few times today, why? Why do I have to suffer so many grievances, why do you ignore me after I have suffered so many grievances? How can you be so cruel and leave me here alone.

That one, I'm sorry, I'm still a little scared. Li Bin, who was kneeling on the ground, suddenly trembled all over his body. One more thing, I'd like to say. Don't wipe my throat with a knife, okay? That's it. Although I know that this knife probably won't kill anyone, I'm still afraid. I shouldn't have come to this world, but I can't die right now. I'm going to die, and my mom won't survive. And...... If I get killed, I won't be able to say anything, and I'll have to trouble you both. Anyway, as long as you don't kill me, you can do it.

Homicide? He thought of this? Mu Zheng must have thought of it too, otherwise he wouldn't be holding my hand now. Yes, if I were Wu Song, Shi Xiu, and a good man in Liangshan, maybe I would really kill people, and then wait for his mother to come back at home with a bloody knife, and finally write a blood book on the wall. It is really natural to avenge your loved ones, even if you are caught, someone will cheer you on, in the past era. Maybe I can kill someone, if I really want to. But how to kill? I haven't learned, I can't even kill chickens. Except for the kind of bug that can be trampled to death and slapped to death, I haven't killed anything else. The rats were glued to the sticky board and staring, and I felt pitiful.

In the past, I long believed that I had no right to interfere with the lives of others. The changes in other people's lives because of me have brought me a heavy feeling more than once. Now, I seem to have been empowered not only to interfere, but even to end. When I was given this potential, all I experienced was a black comics: what a mess this was.

I didn't seem to be out of control like I was in that game or anything else. I'm just sad. Li Bin's eyes were tightly closed, and I could see that he was still shivering, though faint, like a frightened little animal that could not escape. Maybe he didn't have much courage, and it's no wonder that before his sister left, he was probably spoiled by the whole family, although the things that this family could give him were not enough. So, he also learned to care for others, to take responsibility, no matter how scared he was.

Since you don't answer me, then I have to choose for myself. I can only make decisions on my own behalf. Whether you are satisfied with this decision or regret it, I can't hear you. In this matter, I have a responsibility that cannot be shirked. If you put all the blame on Li Bin and let yourself fall into madness and violence, it is also an evasion. I have to face up to what I've done.

Maybe you hate me? I'm a terrible brother, so bad that you lost your life. As Li Bin said, there is no way to remedy it, and atoning for your sins for a lifetime will not bring you back. When I see you again, I am willing to accept everything as Li Bin did today, whether it is forgiveness or punishment. Maybe it's going to be a long time to wait, maybe it's not that long. No matter how much time I have, I will live my life well. The mistakes I've made are irreparable, but I at least want to avoid making mistakes again and again. I can't tolerate myself degenerating into a person who escapes responsibility by hurting others. I will never be able to kill, and killing is the greatest sin.

"Mu Zheng is not bad at all." My voice was choked with a strange voice, and I was surprised to hear it.

He opened his eyes and was looking at me.

"You're really in the late stage of middle school."

I licked my chapped lips. Neither of them seemed to react, so I had to explain:

"Are we filming 'Water Margin' or 'Hamlet'? You're too deep into the play. What do you want me to do? Engraving on your face? I'm here tonight to hunt down the enemy? ”

Mu Zheng's hand loosened. I gently tapped Li Bin's hair with the razor surface.

"I really don't know what you have in your head, you are like this in fifty-four?"

"But......" He was still a little sluggish, and I pretended to be impatient and said Stand up quickly, if your mother comes back, maybe she thinks it's the underworld who comes to collect protection money.

In fact, it's impossible, how can there be an underworld where I cry so much that my face is spent, and my words can't be explained clearly.

He was helped back to his chair by Mu Zheng. I sat down where Mu Zheng had been sitting before.

"Let's be honest. I'm not pretending to be a good person, and I'm not qualified to forgive your mother for my brother. But what if I stab you with a knife today? Can you stab my brother back? I don't know if my brother hates you or your mother, maybe he hates me, and he refuses to give me a dream for three years. Each person has his own responsibility for this, I have my share, and you think you have your share. Let's accept our respective costs, both legal and conscientious. This is destined to be a lifelong affair, and it is irretrievable. I'm going to face it, not run away from it, and put the blame on you. ”

"But I'm supposed to do something for you. It's us who are at fault. If I can make you feel better, I'm willing to do anything. He looked at me with tears in his eyes.

"Maybe. But why do you think so? Is it to compensate me? To atone for your mother's sins? Or is it to make yourself feel better? I stared at him.

"I can't tell. Probably both. Possible...... It's because I'm afraid that someone will retaliate against my mother. She was at fault, very wrong. I don't want to say that she was miserable too, because I know that nothing is more tragic than losing a life. In the matter of human life, we do not make any excuses, but to bear it. But my mom is old, I'm still young. I'm talking nonsense, if I could, I would have gone to jail for my mother. Of course...... Maybe I knew it was impossible to go for her, so I had this idea. ”

I think he's sincere.

"I don't have the right to make decisions for my brother, I can only say my own attitude. Whether it's right or wrong, what my brother will think, that's only something I will know when I meet him again. My brother is a very kind man, and I don't think he wants his brother to be a madman who hurts people with a knife. Moreover, you have nothing to do with it. Your mom made a mistake, but it's not up to you to take the blame. I know you've paid the price, a heavy price. In the past three years, we have both lived a very dark life. So, I won't hurt you, and I'm not going to take revenge on your mother. Satisfied? ”

If you want to blame me, please let me know and let me hear you.

In silence, I looked down at the razor again. The iron-colored light flickered softly and sluggishly under the lamp.

"It's all alive and well, what else can I do? Be kind to everyone around you, you can't always make the same mistakes. I tapped my finger on the face of the knife and said nonchalantly. They must both be looking at me. Although his face was crying, he seemed to have the strength to smile.

I don't think I'll be crying like this all the time.

The door was suddenly pushed open. We then turned our heads to see that an aunt had stepped into the room with a drenched umbrella. However, she was very wet all over her body, especially Bai Huahua's hair, which looked like a clump of wet reeds. Is she Li Bin's mother? I couldn't tell the age, but I got confirmation from the smell of alcohol. I couldn't help but clench the things in my hand, either I wanted to do something, or I was a little nervous and scared, and I had to grasp something to be steady.

"Mom, you're back, is it raining so hard? I'm supposed to pick you up. Li Bin didn't stay stunned for long and greeted him.

"You...... Friend? She looked at us. Mu Zheng was facing her, and I was looking back.

"Auntie, I'm Mu Zheng. It's been a long time since I've seen you. Mu Zheng hurriedly stepped forward to hold her hand. I saw that the big cold, rough hands had a tendency to crack as winter approached.

"Really...... Mu Zheng? You've grown taller. If she knew...... "She seemed to be struggling to overcome her drunkenness, or that she hadn't drunk too much, that she was still conscious, but that she had a little difficulty speaking," great. ”

"It's good that you're home. Binbin has been waiting for you. Mu Zheng patted his aunt's shoulder, like a comfort, but also like an encouragement. It's rare for children to encourage adults.

"The other one, huh?" She walked over to me, and the two of us met for the first time. She had far more wrinkles than any mother I'd ever seen, perhaps because I was too young. When I saw this person, my first reaction was not anger, hatred, not even sadness, I was just overwhelmed, or it was difficult to connect this old and haggard face with the imaginary person who had made Xianxian lose his life.

Am I being too cowardly? I didn't even have time to hate her. Would you be upset?

"You...... Aren't you already ...... He's dead? I was still in a daze, but her eyes were almost demonic and magnified several times, it was an almost crazy demeanor that only those who imagined that they had fallen for evil could have. She subconsciously took a few steps back, Li Bin and Mu Zheng supported her, and Mu Zheng wanted to explain that I was his classmate. Yet she desperately held them behind her, like a hen protecting her chickens, and at the same time pulled the wet umbrella from the ground and pointed it at me like a spear.

"Don't come here, come at me, come at me, don't hurt my son!" She yelled like crazy, and her voice drowned out the continuous rain, echoing in the unmanned factory.

"I ...... I'm not ......" I spread my hands to explain, but my tongue was knotted.

"I've gone to burn incense and prayed for peace. I want to lose money to your parents, I thought before I went in, and now I'm still trying to figure out a way when I come back. Go back and let us go! The screams scared me into the mirror behind me.

"Mom, you misunderstood, he's not him. He was his brother and looked alike. Li Bin whispered in his mother's ear as he tried to get out from behind her and press down the umbrella he had raised.

"He's got a knife in his hand!" She screamed, and while holding Li Bin back with her arm, she pounced like a valiant lion and grabbed my left arm. It's stupid, I'll be fine if I throw the knife on the ground, and I'm scared and holding it in my hand. It wasn't until Mu Zheng and Li Bin were pulling people and telling me to let go that my arms were released. In the midst of it I heard a distinctly discernible sound, no doubt emanating from my body. The sound was so strange that it frightened me, and I never imagined that my body would make such a strange sound one day before I heard it. And the pain in the left side of my body confirmed that it was really happening to me.

At first, I thought it was a broken bone. Her strength is so great. No wonder, she thought she was protecting her son. But who am I going to provoke?

In the chaos, I should have hammered Li Bin a few punches, maybe it was Mu Zheng. Anyway, someone tried to pull me up, but it was my left arm, and I was really panicking. My face was twisted in pain, and I touched my arm, and in annoyance, I punched me a few times, and no one said anything. When I got up, I couldn't stand up straight, and my arms hurt no matter how I stood up. Mu Zheng said that it might be a dislocation, and he had to bend down a little to make it feel better. Li Bin kept explaining to her mother, and the tone contained disappointment, pain, and shame, which made me more noisy and irritable than the sound of the rain. The pain of "a broken hand" and the humid air made me not want to stay here for a second, so I rushed out of the barbershop and ran hunched over under the rain curtain of no street lights. It's really out of control, but I just want to get away. I pressed my right hand on my shoulder because I had heard of someone who could pick up a dislocated arm on its own. It seems like there's some kind of movie.,The protagonist gritted his teeth and took back his arm after dislocation.,The last move defeats the bad guy.。

This turned out to be nonsense. I didn't do anything other than make myself hurt more and scream in pain. Whoever had passed by this factory on a rainy night and heard all the screams in just a few minutes might have thought it was haunted.

Mu Zheng was obviously chasing me out and was constantly calling my name. This calling-like cry calmed me down a bit. When I was a child, Xianxian got lost, and I was running through the streets and shouting his name. When he heard it, he called me too, not by name, but by brother. We approached each other in the sunset with each other's voices, found each other, and then I took his hand and went home together. In the darkness of the night, where I could barely reach my fingers, I was found. I saw that Mu Zheng didn't have an umbrella, and he was wet from beginning to end like me. It's too bad, his health is already so bad, in case he catches a cold and gets sick, how can I explain to Xuexue and Teacher Zhou. My nightmare came back, and it was ridiculous, and I thought about not repeating the mistakes of the past, making mistakes again and again, and then I lost my mind again and pushed my friends to the brink of danger again.

You must be disappointed in me.

"Let's take a taxi back to the hospital, don't do it yourself, let the doctor pick you up." He swiped his phone and grabbed my right arm and led me towards the darkness. From time to time, he wiped the screen of his phone on his already soaked clothes, tapping and clicking. At this time, I was still rickety, but I was indifferent to the drooping arm. The pain was tugging at me, but it didn't matter at all, compared to Mu Zheng's fire of life flickering in the rain. Even if I lose this arm and become disabled, I hope that Mu Zheng's life will not be extinguished because of this heavy rain. I want to take off my coat and put it on Mu Zheng's head, this is not handsome, Mi Le wouldn't scold me if he knew, I just want to protect Mu Zheng and fulfill the promise I made. But with only one arm, I can't pull it. It is so awkward that a part of the body is missing, and it is impossible for people to imagine that there is a piece of their body missing, and it is the kind of general lack that never exists at all.

I heard footsteps behind me, the light of a flashlight shining on us. Li Bin trotted all the way up behind us and propped up the umbrella. He also handed Mu Zheng a packet of paper, told us to wipe our hair first, and said that he knew that there was an uncle nearby who could use his car to take us to the hospital soon.