"Light, little one, take it easy." Lying on my back on the bed in the emergency room, the doctor next to me gently took my arm and comforted me. The more he said that, the more I felt my whole body tense up, perhaps because the ceiling was too white and the light above it was too strong.

On the bumpy way to the hospital, I had several violent reactions to the injured area due to the hard braking and speed bumps, and the pain made me fear anything that came into contact with my arm. I couldn't relax, and my fear of pain was even greater than the pain itself.

"Keko, I'm here. I'll be with you. Li Bin crouched on my right hand. After getting in the car, he originally wanted to find a hospital in Jiangbei to "rescue" my arm in time. But I said that it should be driven directly to the hospital where Mu Zheng lived, so we had to briefly explain why Mu Zheng was hospitalized: there was something wrong with his body, and he was waiting for the results of the examination. This explanation did not touch on Li Bin's previous suspicion that Mu Zheng had come to him suddenly. The two of them didn't seem to talk too much about this topic tacitly, maybe I was in too much pain, I couldn't lie down or sit in the back of the car, my arms were always pulled by the engine, and every time I drove forward, it hurt a section. I tried hard to restrain myself, I didn't scream, I just hummed. After getting out of the car, it was better, we asked Mu Zheng to go back to the ward to change clothes and rest, and Li Bin led me to the emergency department to register. The film was taken and the doctor confirmed that I only had a dislocation and no fracture – the only luck I had tonight. All that is done now is to reset.

"You're so annoying. Your mother killed me. "I was already anxious, and I became even more irritable when I heard his voice. The doctor still didn't move my hand much, still pulling it almost detectably, like a hunter looking for prey in his arm. I was ready for the pain, but it didn't come, and it left my heart hanging in a bottomless hole in the ice. As soon as the doctor tried his best, I would have to call out nine times out of ten, maybe I would cry again, and I would all have to be seen by Li Bin. This sense of shame that was bound to come made me depressed and annoyed, and not directly scolding Li Bin was the greatest restraint.

"Your arm is too tight, or you might as well get an anesthetic." The doctor said.

"Ke Ke, you fight, I'll pay, I'll pay all the money, okay?" Li Bin was also speaking for the doctor.

It's not about money at all, okay? To be honest, being injured is always my business, it's no different from being sick, it's very different from the sick or injured, don't expect them to understand you completely. I paid the money, but it hurt me. Yes, it doesn't hurt if you get anesthetic, but I've heard a saying that it hurts your brain. My injury was in my shoulder, not far from my brain.

"Don't fight, don't fight, resolutely don't fight, don't fight to death! Do it! "I was lying in bed, like a wounded kitten, and at the mention of the anesthetic I was "dyingly frightened", although I did not have the strength to sit up at all: I was missing an arm, and it was much more difficult and long to get up and lie down. But the suggestion did irritate my nerves, and I rejected it like crazy, and at the end came the words that I would say when I were heroic.

"Relax, why are you so excited?" The doctor rubbed my hair.

Can you not get excited? If I get an anesthetic and hurt my brain, it means that the one thing I fear the most is coming: memory loss. The loss of my memory scared me more than my own death, because death was still quite far away from me at the time, and because the memories of the past were so important to me. I felt like I had amnesia once, just after Xianxian left me. My last elementary school years were bleak, and for a long time I couldn't find a purpose in life, and I couldn't remember what happened when I was a child. My childhood was torn to pieces. Maybe I can remember something, but it's just picking up the debris again and again, and piercing my hands with blood and tears on my face. It took me a long time and a lot of effort to be able to piece together everything that had happened in the past little by little, and to be able to face and talk about what had happened relatively calmly. After I regained my memories, I couldn't accept the possibility of losing them again. In case anesthesia eats away at my memory, I can no longer truly feel the presence of strings, the presence of Mile, the presence of any of my companions, and that is my doom. Friends will be mentioned as a kind of conventional knowledge, such as the capital of China is BJ, the capital of the United States is Washington, and so on: Hey, that person is your good friend, I am also your good friend, we have played football together, slept in the same bed, sat at the same desk, you know now? And I lost what they meant to me. They will still love me, but to me, they are no longer unique, no different from the kind passers-by on the street. Maybe I can use my time and life to rediscover my love for my friends, but the strings are out of my life. I'm so afraid that I'll forget him, and I'll be afraid for the rest of my life. As people who no longer live in this world, my parents and sister and I continue the little ashes of his life with our memories of him, even if they are extinguished, they are still burning, burning with our lives. I'm sure I've been trying to get back the lost time, the one who existed. If I can't remember him, then most of this barely pieced together image will be scattered in the wind in an instant, and it will become a wisp of smoke that no one can grasp, and it will disappear forever. What's more terrible than death is forgetting, I don't remember where I saw it, anyway, I'd rather have only one arm in my next life than let myself forget anyone.

However, if I really only have one arm left, I probably wouldn't think so.

"Ke Ke, don't be afraid, don't cry." Li Bin took the paper from the doctor and helped me wipe the tears hanging from the corners of my eyes. It's a shame, I made myself cry first, and I didn't cry because it hurt. Li Bin didn't care about this, I must have cried in his eyes.

I closed my eyes, as if waiting for the final judgment. He quietly wiped the corners of my eyes, reminding me of the days when I had a fever or when my mother put a towel on my head. I was in a daze, but I felt a sense of security by feeling their slight footsteps and carefully holding and letting go of my forehead. One time my sister came to play at our house, and I lay in bed and heard her sitting in the living room chatting with strings, and her laughter disturbed me in the chaos of the high fever. She volunteered to change my towel, but she almost threw it on my forehead, and before she could wring it out, the oozing water splashed me in the face. That time was a real "dying sick stagger", if it weren't for the lack of strength, I would have to get out of bed and quarrel with her. If you want me to say, she's as devoted to me as she is to her rabbit. She's still not convinced. It was Xianxian who changed me with a wrung out towel. I don't remember exactly, maybe I was so dizzy that I couldn't remember the past, and it was a terrible thing. And I brought it up again, I don't know if it will damage my sister's image. She loves me a lot, there's no doubt about it. But...... Didn't she take care of people from the beginning? If so, when did she start to become so warm and considerate?

I opened my eyes after pausing my thoughts and saw that the doctor had put his foot in my armpit and tugged at my arm, maybe this was a carrot plucking pose? Before I could ask what it was going to do, I heard a "clatter" that was neither dull nor crisp. The pain was inevitable, but then, as the doctor turned my arm slightly, the gloom that had been lingering for more than an hour seemed to dissipate. He handed this arm back to me and let me move it by myself, I didn't dare to mess around at first, and there was absolutely no "stretch as before" after Guan Gong scraped the bones to cure the poison, but even the trembling movement made my confidence recover little by little: the reset was successful, and I got better.

I couldn't help but say to the doctor, you are really a miracle doctor, Hua Tuo is alive. He smiled embarrassedly, "It's a trivial matter, you can relax a little faster at first." Then he asked me why I didn't want to take the anesthetic, and I told the truth, I was afraid of hurting my brain. As a result, medical knowledge has been popularized, anesthesia is divided into local anesthesia, regional block anesthesia and general anesthesia, and anesthetic will also be injected when the tooth is extracted, which belongs to local anesthesia. During the operation, as long as the person is awake, there is no need to consider whether the injury hurts the brain.

If only I had asked earlier.

In addition, I also gained knowledge about the management and rehabilitation of dislocations. Roughly I'm going to wear a sling and fix my left arm, which is a little bit like a broken arm, but without a cast. I suddenly remembered that I had less than 20 days to go before the midterm exams - fortunately, my left hand was hurt, and I was right-handed. I still don't know how to write with my left hand, but I know a little bit about playing football with my left foot. After the exam, we will meet the branch at home, and the remaining three games are all life-and-death battles, and if you don't get any less points, you may be out of the group. So I asked the doctor how long it would take to get better, and he said that the injury was not serious, the sling would take two to three weeks, and the arm would recover within a month. So when can you resume physical activity? I continued to ask. He said that after a month, he could do recovery exercises, but in moderation, not too vigorous, and don't touch basketball, volleyball, and badminton. In case it is not well maintained, it is likely to dislocate frequently, four or five times a year. He said it lightly, and I was scared in my heart. A dislocation would make me want to die, several times a year, and I really couldn't love it.

So Mu Zheng should be very serious when he talks to me about treatment today. A few hours ago, I was unaware of the torment of the pain, the physical and mental crush. I really had the idea of removing this arm that only caused me pain. This gray thought came so naturally when the pain was squeezing me from all sides. People will really give in, they will be defeated. What qualifications do I have to make others strong? It's not even qualified to be a cheerleader.

I told the doctor the truth and asked me when I would be back in the field and made sure I would not have any problems. The doctor said it depends on the individual's recovery, you don't have a serious injury, but you have to be cautious, at least two to three months, and it's better to think about playing next year.

Two or three months? The last race should be in early December and certainly not past the 15th. This is the final verdict for me: the season is reimbursed.

Li Bin got the sling and put it on for me with the doctor. The suspender was white, a bit like a bracer, and if it was bigger, it would be a shield, and it held my arm firmly and hung down on my chest, and the strap rested over my right shoulder. In the mirror, I really look a bit like a warrior with a long shield hanging from his left arm, if only his face and outer clothes were not so embarrassed. The doctor also instructed me to eat more fruits and vegetables, to put down the sling when sleeping, but not to press on the injured arm, and not to move too much when bathing...... Li Bin and I thanked him and he was almost half past ten when he left the emergency room. I told Mu Zheng on my phone that it was all solved, and I would come to him after a while.

The two of us sat on a bench outside the emergency room. It's been a lot of energy today, and it's all happening so fast. Walking out of the dormitory door alone in the morning, I would never have thought that Mu Zheng and I would stay in the hospital after the game, nor would I have thought that the secret that had plagued me for three years would finally be revealed. Wait, I forgot about Millet. Turning off his phone, he didn't send me a message all day, and he didn't speak in all the groups.

What happened to his grandfather?

I was about to ask, but Li Bin interrupted my input:

"Keko, are you still angry with us?"

I turned off my phone and looked at him, the cautious and uneasy look in my eyes could hardly arouse my anger, not to mention that after my arm didn't hurt, I was much calmer, and I had no other emotions except disappointment.

"Not really."

"I'm sorry."

"Forget it, you've said it a few times. I can only say that I was too unlucky. I shrugged my right shoulder, "By the way, how much?" "I do care about money. I see what the conditions of Li Bin's family are, although not letting him pay may make his conscience unsteady, but I still confirm how much it is better. After all, if he doesn't have to eat breakfast tomorrow because of the medical expenses, I can't feel it anymore.

"I'll just pay for it. After all, the responsibility is ours. ”

I tilted my head to look at the wall in front of me, thought about the wording, turned around and asked him, will your quality of life be affected? To be honest, I felt a little silly after asking, too literary, not like the way I speak in everyday life. And the word "quality of life" seems to be my exclusive term as a "better person"? For me, life needs to have "quality", what about Li Bin?

It's okay, you won't be unable to eat. His answer made me even more ashamed of the word "quality of life".

After a moment of silence, Li Bin asked me if I hated his mother more tonight.

"Am I going to like her?" A wry smile on his face.

He stopped talking.

I bit my lip and it was dry. I was very thirsty, I didn't drink much water all night, I cried several times, and I was injured again. This thirst spreads from the tongue to the throat, perhaps sinking into the body. I'm a desert walker who needs a little water and a little more life.

I told Li Bin. He bought a bottle of mineral water from a vending machine. I poured it down my throat as if I had found a well in the desert, and drank about a third of it in one go. When he was full, I asked him if he wanted to, so he took it, craned his neck, and continued drinking without lip to mouth, a bit like pouring tea into his mouth. He tightened the cap and handed me the rest of the mineral water. I said, "Take it."

I felt like my spirit was recovering, along with my arm that was securely suspended. The night is getting deeper, and it's getting cooler. I can say something.

"Actually, if it was just an arm thing, I wouldn't be too angry with her or hate her. I knew she wanted to protect you, and at that moment she was an amazing mother, so amazing that she rushed up to grab the knife and pulled my hand off. So decisive, simply ready to sacrifice. But I can't forgive her, let alone like her. Because three years ago, she was an irresponsible mother. It may upset you when I say that, but that's how I feel. I lost my most important loved one. All I can say is that I won't take revenge on you or your mother. I've said it once before, and I'll repeat it again. It's my personal decision, and it has nothing to do with whether or not I have a dislocated shoulder. I chose to do this because I didn't want to be a person who was dominated by hatred. That's all I can do. If I had to say what my attitude towards your mother was, it would probably be like your sister said, I pity her. ”

Li Bin got up from his seat, squatted on the ground, and grabbed my right sleeve in vain, very lightly.

"Actually, I don't want you to forgive her, and I'm not in a position to beg you to forgive her. How can we repay virtue with virtue? I can't thank you enough for that. I don't have the face to look at you talking. That one...... My mother said that she wanted to pay compensation, and this matter dragged on for a long time, but we did not forget. Even if the current conditions of my family are still very average, I still have to pay back what I owe. Are you willing to accept it? ”

I let out a long yawn and asked if my parents hadn't paid compensation three years ago. He said yes. I said, this is an adult business, I can't be the master.

"And then there'...... I will study and work hard to earn money, and I can pay it back slowly in the future...... And, if anyone in your family needs it — I mean if, I hope you and your family are healthy. But if you need a blood transfusion, a bone marrow transplant, and ...... I've heard that people can take a kidney? Can the retina be ...... too?" his eyes wandered over his fingers rubbing against each other, and his tone was slow.

"Enough is enough, enough is enough, it's too perverted, what's the matter?" I dragged him back to the seat with my right hand, "You are really in the late stage of secondary school." Got too much of the web novel? There is a cure for the sick, really. I solemnly read the word "really".

He still didn't dare to look at me, saying that he just thought about it one day and felt that he could and would like to do it.

"Pull it down. Turn your face and look at me. I, who had always been afraid of being stared at, would order someone to look at me, and he did obediently turn his eyes, "I can't forgive your mother for what she did." Well, I don't hate you too much. If the strings were still around, I think I'd be friends with you, you're a pretty good kid. Maybe when we grow up, we can be friends. As for the mistakes you want to make up for your mom...... I think there might be an opportunity, but it doesn't have to be that way. It's okay to donate blood, but it's too heavy for anything else, and I don't want that.

"I think, if I really cut you with a knife today, and then walk away, I'm afraid I won't meet your mother, and I won't be misunderstood, and I will dislocate now. It's so unlucky, Mu Zheng is not in good health, and I was injured again. Our team is now three rounds of three-pointers, and it is a problem to qualify from the group, and the two main players are gone. The coach and teammates don't know yet, tomorrow they will come to the hospital to see that the captain's arm is hanging like this, and it is estimated that his heart will be cold. Don't talk about that. I figured out that dislocation was the result of my choice. I choose not to hurt you, so there is nothing to regret, I accept it. Even if I knew I was going to dislocate at that time, I wouldn't hurt anyone. Since I have decided to be a gentle person, don't try to influence me or change me in any way. Even if I was misunderstood, ridiculed, and vented my endless anger, I insisted and believed in my decision and did not change it. Of course, it's because I'm not in so much pain now that I have the confidence to say that. ”

I should have laughed when I said that. The well-wrapped left hand gave me the warmth and fullness of life.

"As for you, I see you want to do something. But it doesn't have to be so extreme, it's a modern society. Although I was young, I heard my best friend say that a person's behavior represents his education at home and school. I still learned a little from my parents, my sister, my younger brother, and my teachers and classmates. They told me that life is priceless and that it is not absolutely natural and irrefutable to exchange a life for a life. You don't want to sacrifice your life or your life just because you want to be redeemed, you know? You have your own life, don't just ruin it. You know, you have a life that many people will never be able to have again. Your sister envies your health and hopes that you can live well. There is nothing more precious in the world than life, and it is happy to be able to choose and plan your own life. Even if the path that life offers us is narrow, we are still small and there are infinite possibilities. If you want to choose atonement, you have to live well before you can stick to your decision, right? ”

I actually said it calmly for so long, and many of the things I said were actually said to me by my sister. It's magical. For a moment, I felt like I was about to touch the ceiling, it was soft and palpable.

Am I making sense? What would you think? You're so much smarter than I am, that's all I can think of. So, you don't want to answer me, do you?

Li Bin was actually cried by me. He promised everything I said. I guess I don't dare, I can see from his eyes that he kind of wants to hug me.

I patted him on the back with my right hand.

In fact, I also wondered if this dislocation was the price I paid for what I did three years ago. I don't know if being hurt like this is a kind of salvation. If Xianxian hated me, would he be happy now that he knew that I had been punished? I can't tell, I have to ask him later. I still want to live when I am alive. Time will give me the answer, and maybe in the future I will regret my decision tonight, or feel ridiculous. Maybe then I will also become an adult who misunderstands, ridicules, and even bullies children. But at least now, as I approach the age of fourteen, I feel like it's a choice I've made with all my hard work. This is the naïve vision that I myself have given to my life when it has not yet been painted with all kinds of meanings.

I said to Li Bin, it's time for you to go home, it's almost eleven o'clock. He said yes. I asked his mother if it was okay by the way, and he said it was okay, explained it clearly, and asked a nearby aunt to accompany him. She really hadn't drunk much today, he added. So I sent him to the first floor of the hospital, where he left his contact information for me and disappeared into the night. I don't know how he's going to get home.

Actually, I don't know where I'm going tonight. The school gate and dormitory must be closed, and when I go back, I will be scolded, and I will be scolded twice. Of course, my hanging left hand will be a gold medal to avoid death to avoid being scolded, but I still don't want to disturb the rest of the doorman and the dormitory manager. How about going home...... I look like a ghost, I appeared at the door of the house in the middle of the night, I had to scare my parents, so I'd better tell them later. What about my sister's house? Or Ye Ruiyang's family? Zhao Rui's family? Pu Yun's family? Forget it, it's all causing trouble to others. Just lie on your stomach in the hospital room for the night, and remember not to pilllow your left hand.

Walking alone in the long corridor of the hospital, half of the lights were out, and I happened to meet a nurse, who was also urging me to go back to the ward to rest, and sure enough, I was regarded as an inpatient.

But can I really face it and accept it? What I just said was my acceptance of everything in my life, whether it was good or bad? But where is the life of the strings? What about the misfortunes of his life? Did I accept it for him? Or is everything I think of as a healing for myself, a sling for myself? He couldn't talk about accepting it or not. Who am I touching? Myself?

Is the decision I made today great? Not at all. It's even selfish. That was just my own decision.

Will you hate me more? Have I become a hypocrite and a contrived person, as a child?

If you hate me, please appear in my dreams tonight, okay? Or tell me in some other way in reality, so that I can accept a new punishment.

You can't forgive me. It's like I can't forgive people.

I had no choice but to carry on with my sins.

Suddenly, my phone rang. Miller's phone. He said sorry and didn't contact me for a day. I said it's okay, thinking to myself, there are so many facts happening on this day, if only you were around. I asked him how his grandfather was, and he said that he had just woken up and was not yet able to speak, but there was no danger anymore. That's nice, I said. yes, the family is together again, he said.

I'm so happy for him, I want to hold him tightly in my arms. I couldn't help but quicken my pace. I'm tired and kind of crave a Coke.