In the course of life, everyone cannot escape these four scenarios: from the mother's womb to the "birth" of the world; In the process of growing from "birth" to growth, the "old" time when the "four big" of the body gradually declined; When you encounter a "sickness" that is painful; When facing the "death" of death. Birth, old age, sickness and death are all stages of life that ordinary people must face, and we need to care for each stage. As far as the growth of a living individual is concerned, from the time we are the fetus in the mother's womb, the mother takes care of it carefully; As soon as he was born, the medical staff took care of him patiently; Later, you have to rely on the countless dedication and love of your parents and others to grow up.

In this process, if others give us sincere love, we may grow healthily. If the care we receive is not genuinely given by others, but is hypocritically perfunctory, or if we enjoy a great deal of autonomy in our own lives in an affluent environment, and no one is there to provide the right guidance and help, we may grow up with a less sound spiritual level.

When it comes to samsaric beings, each life comes to the world because of different karma and needs to be cared for, but when faced with things that are changing at any time, we will habitually cling to ourselves, and this effect will cause us to focus all our love and care on ourselves first, and then we will have the spare energy to expand to others. This kind of attachment and love for the self is what Buddhism calls "self-grasping." Because we don't understand that everything, including our body, is a convergence of causes and conditions, we mistakenly think that everything really belongs to "me" in our ignorant consciousness. This stereotyped thinking is also the root cause of suffering in samsara.

When we were first born as babies, our parents gave us a name, and we took that name as "me" and became attached to everything related to "me," including our own body, relatives, or external things. When someone comes into contact with us, if we think that the other person's actions can bring happiness to "me", we will be happy and greedy, and we will want to have more because we are not satisfied. When we think that the other person's actions will be detrimental to my happiness, we will feel strongly resentful, and this is called resentment. And so on, all habits and thoughts of greed, hatred, ignorance, and suspicion arise from "self-grasping," and suffering and afflictions arise from this.

In fact, it doesn't matter whether it is right or wrong to love and care for ourselves, because the separation of the heart often makes us have a dualistic distinction between the external environment, and because of the effect of "self-grasping", we naturally like people and things that can bring benefits to ourselves, so we hate people and things that disturb our own interests, and so on. Personally, it is normal to care for ourselves, but it is wrong to cause painful feelings in others by imposing our perceived joy or happiness on others (perhaps not a conscious expectation, but subconsciously hoping to achieve what we consider to be an ideal), thus causing others to feel painful. Because everyone has different reasons and needs, the definition of happiness and happiness is different. Then our care for ourselves should be to realize our wishes for happiness, happiness, and peace in our own body without harming others, and to be able to share them together if they are accepted by others.

Love and hatred, the difference between the two is also difficult to grasp. In order to show love, sometimes we have strong resentment, and sometimes we think we are thinking about others, but in fact we hurt them with physical gestures or verbal scolding. In particular, he hurts others with words without vigilance and moderation, and often does not admit that he is lacking. There is a Tibetan saying: "Language does not carry a sword, but it can break the heart of others." "There is a limit to what can be done by physical movements, but there is no limit to what can be done with words—as long as we are not satisfied, we will attack and provoke them with vicious words, or use gossip to make others fall from happiness to ignorance, and gradually move away from happiness. This way of loving is selfishness.

Because we seldom look at ourselves correctly, let love or care cover up our own selfish desires, fail to prioritize the interests of others, and distort the love or care we give. Parents often think that beating and scolding their children is for the sake of their children, hoping that his studies can go to the next level, and it is best to be able to take the first place in every exam and be admitted to the best school. The fact is that there can only be one first place in a school or a class, and everyone wants to be the first, and it is impossible to achieve it all. It is necessary to care for children moderately, but when you are too persistent, in fact, it is not the children who really love, but yourself. Because we want our children to achieve their own goals to satisfy their personal desires and arrogance.

In the same way, when dealing with family members or friends, we often think that "I am good for you", but in fact, it is often the other person who behaves as we want to be good to him. If the other person does not act as we want, we will have a very strong resentment or resentment. This way of caring does not seem to care for others, but for oneself. Therefore, without the right mindset, our care will not only fall short of expectations, but will cause harm.

If you are willing to give to others, you must first know whether you really think about them or care for others. When we can correctly and clearly distinguish these two mentalities, we can find that often our so-called caring for others is to care for ourselves as the first purpose, others are only the secondary object of consideration, and when our primary purpose is achieved, we will give to others. We have to look at this caring mindset with awareness and mindfulness so that we can have a deep understanding and do the right thing.

This habit of self-examination and discernment is not only necessary for family members, but also for monks. Masters often say, "I want to face sentient beings, I want to benefit sentient beings", which is a good altruistic mentality, but if we do not clearly examine our own motives, the original intention of benefiting sentient beings from within may be skillfully blinded and transformed by the "self" as the external altruistic cause continues to move forward, and become a sacrifice for one's own fame and fortune. In this way, there is no difference from secular law. Therefore, it is important to constantly examine your own motivations when caring for others.

When we want to put ourselves in the shoes of our love, we really need to examine our motivation for love. Because the cause of all suffering in samsara lies in the role of "self-grasping", which is quite cunning. As long as we are not paying attention and forgetting to look at our own thoughts, our "self-grasping" will often guide our words and deeds in the name of goodness or love, but often the result is that it is easy to hate because of love, and the main reason for this is that we give and love with selfishness rather than selflessness.