At that time, Lin Wanyi had not yet graduated and was in her second year of graduate school. She always wanted to paint something, and she felt that if she dipped her own blood and smeared it on a piece of black, she would give birth to an earth-shattering masterpiece. Since then, she has had a desire that she will never get rid of: to slit her wrist and let the red blood flow.

For her, Lang Zhisong can pluck the stars in the sky. Lin Wanyi sometimes feels that he is pitiful. In order to make Lin Wanyi happy, he tried his best. I remember that for a few days, Lin Wanyi suddenly became interested and painted a lot of ghosts. Three eyes, two heads, and no legs...... Lin Wanyi tried her best to imagine, and she felt very happy. Lin Wanyi rarely had such a calm time.

Lang Zhisong was so happy that he didn't know how to please Lin Wanyi, bought a lot of white paper for her to paint, sharpened pencils for her, and nailed those drawings to the wall one by one. kept saying: "Lin Wanyi, you are so smart, you are really a genius, you should go and learn art." ”

Lin Wanyi didn't know that the sky was high and the earth was thick. She suddenly had the idea to study fashion design. Because Lang Zhisong praised her for being sensitive to color. She happily went to buy a set of "Cultural Fashion Lectures" published in Japan, and went to the fashion design class to pay for the registration. However, within two days, she had forgotten about it.

Lin Wanyi said to the English teacher: "Susan, I've seen you before, really, a long, long time ago. "The English teacher's hair was girly and dyed black. She wore a flaming red T-shirt and a skirt with large red tulips printed on a blue background. This dress made Lin Wanyi feel busy. What made Lin Wanyi feel even more irritable was that the English teacher had a big golden cat-shaped ornament pinned to her chest!

Lin Wanyi sat in front of her, narrowing her eyes and staring straight at the two thin lips that the English teacher kept turning. In fact, she knew very well in her heart that she had never seen her, but this feeling, this kind of sitting and listening to a person keep talking and not hearing anything, and not even knowing where she was, had always been before. The English teacher's eyes widened in surprise. Her eyes were blue, that deep, deep blue. During class, they often remind Lin Wanyi of the heartbreaking cry of the hostess in the Soviet film "The Forty-One" after she publicly shoots her lover to death: "My blue eyes! ...... "If it's just these eyes, it's tempting, Lin Wanyi thought." Blue eyes can make people want to go in and fall asleep without waking up. If the English teacher is a man, and not too old, not too fat...... Lin Wanyi's least favorite thing is a fat man.

The fat man reminded her of a stripped pig. The English teacher's face was coated with a thick layer of powder, but it couldn't hide the brown age spots. The thin lips were drawn into two lines of blood. Lin Wanyi likes white babies very much, her skin is so white and transparent that she can see the blue blood vessels underneath. It's as if with a fingernail, the skin will break. Moreover, the eyes of each baby are so clear and innocent, reflecting the colors of the sun and the rainbow.

There was a Japanese girl in the English class named Kazuko. It looks okay, but the makeup is very thick, the two eye circles are painted blue, and the mouth is smeared with fluorescent lipstick. She was quite polite to Lin Wanyi, and she would chat a few words if she had something to do. However, Lin Wanyi always had an unfriendly attitude towards the Japanese, she thought that the Japanese were barbaric and murderous, otherwise, how could they have killed so many Thais in World War II.

Kazuko loves to talk about her husband. She always said he was "very pretty". It was a sunny afternoon, and in Lin Wanyi's impression, it seemed that it was rare to have such good weather. After the English class, Kazuko invited Lin Wanyi to sit in the "Art Square". It's really just a huge lawn crisscrossed by dark gray asphalt walkways. The sky was terrifyingly blue and transparent, and Lin Wanyi felt that it was not on top of her head, but under her feet, and she had the urge to jump in. The bell tower of the church next to the square is solemn, and the spire pierces straight up, like a rush of resentment or anger. With the undulating mountains in the distance and the sparkling surface of the lake, Lin Wanyi didn't understand why she didn't have the feeling of "solemn and gentle mountains and rivers" in Xi Murong's poems, but felt that everything around her was absolutely unreal in this peaceful atmosphere.

She sat opposite Kazuko. In Kazuko's hand, a beautiful red paper pigeon is folded. Lin Wanyi looked up at the sky, and when the wind blew, her hair covered half of her face messily. She was always trying to see something in the cloudless clear sky.

"Lin Wanyi, do you like it here?" Kazuko asked without a match. Her hair is long and soft.

Japanese women seem to have beautiful black hair.

"No, I'm going to die here." Lin Wanyi's expression was very serious, a painful expression appeared on her face, and her eyebrows were furrowed together.

"Why?" There was an exaggerated incomprehension in Kazuko's voice. She placed the folded paper pigeon in her palm and tilted her head to look at it carefully.

"I don't know. It's just a feeling. Lin Wanyi said coldly. She hates Kazuko's pretentiousness. She always felt that Kazuko was deliberately showing a kind of femininity, Japanese femininity.

"You shouldn't be like this, Lin Wanyi, Cornell is a famous university, and besides, you are a doctoral student, and you have funding." Kazuko was very earnestly reassuring.

Lin Wanyi began to be a little impatient. She hated to hear those words the most. She felt that everything had nothing to do with her. She didn't like what Cornell, Dr., funded, she could have done without these things, because they didn't make her happy.

She didn't know what she wanted, and she didn't know what would make her happy.

In the distance, two shirtless American boys were playing frisbee, their blonde hair glistening in the sun.

The white frisbee swirled, and against the green grass, it seemed like something dreamy, flying around in both hands. Lin Wanyi seems to have had such a time, many, many years ago. In her heart, there was a trace of gentle pain.

She sighed softly and said to Kazuko, "Do you have a picture of your husband?" Can you show me? ”

Kazuko took out her wallet from her schoolbag, took out a photo and handed it to Lin Wanyi, with an expectant and happy expression on her face.

Lin Wanyi suddenly burst out laughing, her eyes full of tears. "Oh, Kazuko, is this your beautiful husband?

Ha, what ugly Japanese! Look at his eyes, they are as thin as a line, and they are vicious, his nose is facing the sky, the rain can drip into his nostrils, his teeth are bulging, and his front teeth are frighteningly large, he is simply a living Kameda. ”

Lin Wanyi just knew that Kameda was always the Japanese officer who stared at the Thais with a bayonet and scolded the Thais for "Eight Ge Yalu" in the movies he watched when he was a child.

Kazuko's face flushed, she snatched the photo and said loudly, "You are so rude!" He got up and walked away quickly.

Lin Wanyi was still sitting there, looking blankly at the long hair flying behind Kazuko's back. She knew she was being rude, but she felt a little easier after venting. Actually, it makes no sense for her to say these words, don't say that Kazuko's husband is not so ugly, even if he is ugly, what does it have to do with himself? But she just wanted to stab Kazuko and do nothing, she knew that when she said these words, she had a kind of vicious energy in her heart.

Lin Wanyi sat there for a long, long time in a daze, and the two blonde boys also played there for a long, long time...... The sky was still unrealistically clear.

Lin Wanyi wanted to write a letter to Lang Zhisong, but she didn't know what to write. I haven't written for a long time, and sometimes I seem to forget that I have a husband in the country. When she first arrived, she wrote a letter a week and told him everything. She didn't want Lang Zhisong to worry about her, and among the men she had met so far, Lang Zhisong loved her the most. However, since I went to New York once last winter, since what happened between her and Lin Jinrong, it is very difficult to write a letter to Lang Zhisong. Often, he can't write a letter for a few weeks, and Lang Zhisong always writes to ask what happened.

Lin Wanyi felt sorry for Lang Zhisong, sometimes she really wanted to write to him to tell him what was wrong. But she knew she couldn't. I'll talk about it when he comes. Coming to the United States should be his greatest wish in this life, right? Since Lin Wanyi met him, his only constant topic was "going abroad".

"Lang Zhisong, hello, the letter has been received, don't read it." Lin Wanyi sat at the table, and only wrote a few sentences on the spread out letterhead. She sat dumbfounded, imagining what Lang Zhisong was doing at this time. She found that it was impossible to say "miss you", "love you" and so on to Lang Zhisong. She sometimes wondered how Mr. Lin would write to his "wife." He's very good at saying sweet words with a lot of water. Lin Wanyi wondered why women liked to be deceived.

The Bible says that the serpent seduced the woman, and the woman seduced the man, which is the origin of human sin. In this way, men are much more stupid than women. But Lin Wanyi always felt that Lin Jinrong was playing a game with her, but she was so stupid that she took it seriously. Lin Jinrong is very smart, she is not an opponent. Besides, she didn't have the heart to play games. Let him be, she often sighed. She felt that she had died and didn't care about anything, even if Lin Jinrong killed her and crushed her, she would never snort.

The only thing she worries about is, what will Lang Zhisong do?

Every letter from Lang Zhisong is to ask Lin Wanyi to live a good life, study hard, and make fewer long-distance calls. Lin Wanyi couldn't imagine how she would live without a phone. For a while, she had to call Lin Jinrong almost every night, knowing that he was on the other end of the phone, she always felt comforted in her heart. Mrs. Brown once said puzzledly: "Lin Wanyi, you are always talking on the phone every day. Because of loneliness, Lin Wanyi said in her heart. Li Baobao told her that Thais here make the most calls and take the longest time. Lin Wanyi knows that Thai students are not having such an easy time here. Thai people are introverted and have a restrained demeanor, which greatly hinders their interaction and communication with other people. And there are many Thai people who "don't get along with each other". Thai students are doing well academically, but in many countries there is a lack of respect for the actual personality of Thai students. Thailand is too poor, so Thai people are too obscene in many ways to be looked down upon. Among the Thai students around her, Lin Wanyi found that it was easy for them to form a small group in pairs, play together on weekends, and chat on the phone. Li Baobao told Lin that he had been talking on the phone with another boy from 11 p.m. to 5 a.m., and they were in two adjacent buildings!

Mr. and Mrs. Brown and Yumiko are both nice people who are hard to meet. However, Lin Wanyi always felt that they couldn't understand her. Her English also did not allow her to speak deeply with them. Li Baobao is a person who can listen to her at any time, but in her concept, he is too "ordinary". Lin Wanyi found herself in need of a psychological identity, a kind of understanding that might only be superficial, or at least a tacit listening. Perhaps, this is because she lacks the ability to judge and dictate her own actions?

The world is always small, small. After returning from New York at Christmas, Lin Wanyi and Li Baobao chatted on the phone. After talking for a while, Li Baobao shouted: "Lin Jinrong is in the same department as me, one year lower." "They are all from the Jula Department of Physics, and Li Baobao came two years earlier. What's more, it's even more coincidental that Li Baobao has a classmate who may become his girlfriend, and now he and Lin Jinrong are classmates at New York University. Lin Wanyi suddenly felt much closer to Li Baobao.

Li Baobao is not the kind of person in Lin Wanyi's previous circle. Lin Wanyi felt that her former friends were very selfless and never wanted to reciprocate. Li Baobao often wants to "eat tofu". Earlier, Lin Wanyi told Lin Jinrong that Li Baobao was very understanding and the kind of person who could discuss anything. Of course, she knew in her heart that Li Baobao was not so selfless.

One night, Li Baobao invited Lin Wanyi to attend the "Thailand Research Conference" held by the sorority. Li Baobao is one of the leaders of the association. After the meeting, Li Baobao asked, "How about we go for a ride by car?" Of course Lin Wanyi is a hundred willing.

The town is very quiet late at night. Not a single pedestrian was there. There are only street lamps, standing faithfully on the side of the road, sprinkling a peaceful light. Lin Wanyi suddenly had a feeling of not knowing where she was. When she was in China, she always pestered her father to ask for a motorcycle. She thought it would be a pleasure to have a motorcycle, and when she was in a bad mood, she turned on the throttle and galloped wildly.

Even if you hit your head and die...... She urged Li Baobao to drive the car to the highest speed, it was so late, it was rare for the police to find trouble.

She turned on the radio and let the rock music sound deafening.

Li Baobao drove the car to the lake in the suburbs. He extinguished the fire and sat in silence. Lin Wanyi hated this silence.

She could hear Li Baobao's breathing clearly. She wanted to plug his mouth with something as hard as she could.

She opened the car door and stepped out. Outside, the wind was biting, and you could see the silvery white waves rising and falling on the surface of the lake. She wears a black suit with a bow tied with a black ribbon on the collar of a white sweater. She has a special preference for black and white.

Li Baobao came out and stood behind her. His arm rubbed against her chest, intentionally or not. She took two steps away, clasped her hands on her shoulders and stared at the lake. In fact, she wasn't looking at anything. Often, she would dream of a lake covered with blue ice, one after another white circular marks stretching out from the center of the lake. She slowly swam naked along the marks, and a large black bird, whirling silently against her shoulders. There is no sky, no earth, just a lake of blue ice and white circles. She never walked out of the ......

"Lin Wanyi, you are very charming tonight." Li Baobao's words made Lin Wanyi sick to her stomach at such a time.

"I've never been glamorous in my life!" Lin Wanyi smiled coldly.

"Really, your clothes make you look so good. Especially the sweater inside yours, it's really beautiful.

Take off your coat. Li Baobao said as he tried to rip off her coat.

Lin Wanyi twisted her body vigorously and broke free. "Inexplicably, why do you have to like it?" She was annoyed, but she had to control it. No matter what happens, there will be no one. Perhaps, Li Baobao is not so bad and not so courageous, but it is better to be careful. She knows what people want in a long-term lonely environment, let alone a man.

Li Baobao was stupid and let go of his hand. Lin Wanyi looked at him wordlessly, and there was no reproach in her eyes. She felt a little pity for him. Li Baobao is a little too "stupid". In fact, Lin Wanyi is very easy to deal with. Lin Jinrong, such an inconspicuous little man, didn't it easy to make her throw her into it?

After all, the lakeside in the middle of the night is still charming. In particular, the cold water color seems to show off a kind of mystery, a kind of temptation, intentionally or unintentionally. Americans are unwilling and perhaps unable to appreciate this quiet, purified beauty, and they love bars, restaurants, bowling alleys, or computer game rooms. If it is in China, no matter how cold the day is, it will also be a paradise for lovers. What an empty lake, the lake water patted the reef on the shore, like crying, and the bare weeping willow branches silently caressed the water surface, which also made Lin Wanyi's heart leisurely produce a sense of nostalgia, a sigh, and a very tolerant gentleness.

"Li Baobao, thank you. It's beautiful here. It seems that I have also been to such a place when I was in China. Lin Wanyi said softly to Li Baobao, "I don't know why, sometimes I always have a sense of déjà vu about everything around me." ”

Li Baobao smiled and didn't say anything. Lin Wanyi knew that Li Baobao would not understand her state of mind.

"Let's go back, it's too cold in here." Li Baobao's hand patted Lin Wanyi's shoulder. Lin Wanyi looked up at him, lowered her head again, and said nothing. Li Baobao's hand was on her shoulder until she got into the car.

Lin Wanyi felt a little uncomfortable. She is not afraid of being hurt, but in some ways she does not want to let some people take advantage of her. However, she is too weak to resist the temptation of loneliness. Don't come out with him in the future, she thought. But...... She had never been so lonely!

It's snowing outside the window again. It's already spring, but the sky here seems to be rain except snow. Lin Wanyi sat on the bed for a while, staring blankly at the snowflakes that were quietly falling. In my childhood, I always seem to have beautiful snowflakes, wetting my floral corduroy clothes and staining the red corduroy shoes on my feet. How many years have it been, Lin Wanyi sighed. I wonder if there is always snow covering the earth in winter in my hometown, and the verdant pine branches are full of crystals? I heard that the climate is getting warmer and there is probably less snow, right? But why is there so much snow in this place? Thinking of home, remembering the past, Lin Wanyi is always distressed, always in a trance, and she has always lacked a thorough understanding and acceptance of life and life itself.

"Lin Wanyi, I'm driving to school today, do you want to take you along?" Mr. Brown, who was working in the school library, shouted from the living room. Lin Wanyi's residence is quite far from the campus, and Cornell is in the mountains, so she has to climb a big slope, so she has to spend at least more than 20 minutes walking to the department every day. Walking and climbing always made her sweat profusely, but after a while, when the wind blew, she felt a biting cold. Every time like this, Lin Wanyi wants to cry, and she feels an inexplicable grievance. Mr. Brown sometimes drove to school, and he was a very kind person, and she could take Lin Wanyi's car as long as she wanted. However, she did not want to listen to him speak to her every minute on the way. Both husband and wife were devout Christians, and their zealous missionary zeals often embarrassed Lin Wanyi. Often, when they were tirelessly teaching Lin Wanyi, Lin Wanyi was thinking about things that were very sinful to them.

This often makes Lin Wanyi feel incorrigible.

"Thanks, no need." Lin Wanyi didn't want to go to school at all. She wondered if there were others who skipped class as often as she did. Her earliest class was 10 a.m., but she still skipped every one or two weeks. She wasn't interested in those at all. She is not interested in anything.

Lang Zhisong wrote to say that his application to go abroad was rejected, and the unit did not approve it. Starting from January 1, all applicants who apply to visit relatives abroad must have their spouse abroad for more than one year before they can be approved. Lang Zhisong received all the materials sent to him by Lin Wanyi on January 3, and the new regulations had just been implemented for two days. Lin Wanyi suspected that she might not subconsciously want Lang Zhisong to come, otherwise, she could have sent him materials earlier. Lang Zhisong wrote that he was very depressed because of this and did not want to do anything. Lin Wanyi not only didn't worry about him, but felt an indescribable annoyance. She felt that Lang Zhisong wanted to come to the United States not to reunite with her, but that he just wanted to come to the United States. Just like they didn't get married because Lang Zhisong said "I love you, let's get married", Lang Zhisong would never say that. Instead, Lin Wanyi said, "If I can go out, I will definitely take you out." Lin Wanyi never thought of going out, it was Lang Zhisong who contacted her. Lang Zhisong contacted him for two or three years and didn't get the funding, so he said to give Lin Wanyi a try, maybe Lin Wanyi's luck would be better. He made a fake transcript for Lin Wanyi and stamped it with a seal engraved with soap. As a result, Lin Wanyi's luck was really good, and she contacted three schools and two to provide funding. She didn't break her promise, and the day after she got her passport, she and Lang Zhisong got a marriage certificate. Although because of an inexplicably small piece

They kept arguing on the way back and forth to get the marriage certificate, so that Lin Wanyi was so angry that she didn't eat lunch that day, but legally they were husband and wife. Of course, Lin Wanyi didn't take these very seriously, otherwise, there would be nothing between her and Lin Jinrong. Only when all this between her and Lin Jinrong brought her pain did she feel ashamed of Zhang Fan. Lang Zhisong would never do such a thing. He said that no matter which woman he married, he would be very single-minded. It's in his nature. Sometimes she is very resentful, if he hadn't gotten her out, wouldn't she have suffered so much? It is much better to stay in the country and live a very poor, romantic and relaxed life, and from time to time there is "love" breeding, than to endure this loneliness here. Of course, if she didn't come out, she said that she wouldn't get married. She didn't want to promise her life to anyone at all. She has yet to find such a person who can make her love and promise for a lifetime.

After lunch, she watched TV for a while, but she didn't think it was interesting. Most of the TV movies in the United States are entertainment films, and in her opinion, there is no content at all. She sat on the couch in the living room and stared out for a moment, thinking that she might as well go to the office.

Wearing the "Duck Duck Brand" down jacket brought by China, it is the kind of color that can't tell the color, and the workmanship is very dull. Many students from Thailand wear this, so Lin Wanyi can determine whether it is from the mainland based on the clothes alone. She knew it was ugly, but she was reluctant to spend money on it. All she was willing to spend was to buy food and call Lin Jinrong. Besides, it's very warm, especially on a snowy day.

She buttoned up her neckline, tied her hat, bowed her head slightly, and walked slowly. Because of the cold weather, there are very few pedestrians on the road, and even if there are a few, they are in a hurry. The roadside is full of cars of different colors with snow on their heads, and the doors of several bookstores, fast food stores, and haberdashery stores, which mainly serve students, are closed, and it is impossible to see if there are customers inside. Lin Wanyi is familiar with these, but the more familiar she is, the more strange she feels. When I was studying in China, from the dormitory to the classroom, no matter how far or near, I was on campus, and I only needed to walk on the asphalt road between the short and sturdy French plane trees. Here, however, you have to walk through a town with as many residents as many students to get to the gateless campus. The so-called school gate is actually a bridge, which connects to the "University Street" of the town at one end, and the campus at the other end. Under the bridge is a mountain stream, which after rain often flows deep and fast, and is now frozen and covered with a thick layer of snow. Lin Wanyi never dared to look down, she was afraid of the feeling of dizziness. I heard that a Japanese girl committed suicide by jumping into this deep stream because of her bad grades, and the body was found after freezing the next spring. Lin Wanyi thought that no matter how bad her grades were, she would not commit suicide, what could make her die was just the word "love", especially the love with men.

Cornell is one of eight "Ivy League" schools in the United States, and the campus is as beautiful as it is for academic excellence.

The campus sits on top of a hill overlooking the entire town and Kayuka Lake. The campus is undulating with streams, lakes and waterfalls, not to mention large and small woods, forests and lawns. When she first arrived, Lin Wanyi was amazed by the green satin-like lawn, the long-tailed squirrels jumping on the lawn, the cool and refreshing forest, and the rippling lake. However, after a long time, I get tired of it. Especially on this cold and gloomy day, everything becomes gray with the weather.

The office is next door to the department's computer room, and the "squeak" of the printer is constant. When Lin Wanyi went, everyone had just had lunch and were chatting. Lin Wanyi said "hi" to everyone, and sat at her desk and listened to them talk about the female professor in the department, Yida, who was said to be very famous academically. Before Lin Wanyi came, the admission letter of the department said that Ida was her supervisor, and she wrote a letter to Ida and sent a few photos.

But after coming, for some reason, it was replaced by Jenny Chen, a Chinese-American woman, an old woman in her fifties who had never been married.

"Ida is quite capable, and I heard that when she was a Ph.D. student at Harvard, she published a lot of papers that had a great impact on our field." Kaylin, who is blonde and blue-eyed, and her husband works as a worker at a construction company in town, said. Lin Wanyi likes her very much, because she is very enthusiastic and patient, Lin Wanyi can't understand a word in class, after a class, there is always a blank piece of paper in the notebook, Kailin will make a copy of her notes to Lin Wanyi, Lin Wanyi doesn't understand, she will explain it to her.

"Too capable women are always not good. Otherwise, how could she have been divorced twice? Mary, another American girl who has always been scathing, said. She is shorter than Lin Wanyi, only about 1.55 meters, and fat, so,

Twenty-eight or nine, and I don't even have a boyfriend. No one wants to listen to what she says, and she is very popular in the office.

Maybe it's because she has low self-esteem in her heart, so she uses harshness as a protective layer?

"She's so skinny that she doesn't even have a butt. And nervous, you see that her hands are always stirring in front of her abdomen during class. The chubby, huge buttocks Indian student Du Erka said with a wink of her big black eyes and a big brown mouth. Du Erka comes from a famous family in India, but he is very approachable, although he often speaks very "chokingly". All laughed. Even the two American boys, Jeff and Scott, who never joined in the girls' conversations, couldn't help but laugh. This year, a total of ten graduate students came, and only two of them were men, which is very precious.

As soon as Jeff arrived, he was tightly entangled by a girl in the upper grades, and he was so angry that the other girls glared at her. Scott is gay. He was tall and handsome, with shoulder-length blond hair tied up in a ponytail at the back of his head, and he walked slowly, looking like a girl from behind. Lin Wanyi was surprised how he could have such red lips, it can really be said that he is so delicate, which makes people feel an urge to kiss. She thought Scott was playing the role of a woman in his "love", but when he introduced his "Darling" to her at a "party", she was stunned. His "girlfriend" is a Chinese boy born in New York's "Chinatown"! He was thin and small, with a strand of black hair on the back of his head that reached to his waist, and when he saw Scott, he always snuggled up to him like a bird. And Scott's tenderness may make all men in love ashamed. When he looked at the little Chinese boy, his eyes were always gentle and affectionate, bringing him drinks and snacks for a while, taking care of everything. Scott had a yes

Lin Wanyi said that the love between the same sex is as warm and lingering as that between the opposite sex, but Lin Wanyi doesn't understand what the two men are. But she was too embarrassed to ask.

"Don't be so mean," said Xiaoqing, a Bangkok girl who has always been kind. She has the same mentor as Lin Wanyi, and she usually takes good care of Lin Wanyi. "Ida is also quite pitiful, she finally married someone she liked, and died in a car accident. A man is lonely, without even a child. A few days ago, she told me that she was going to adopt a child, otherwise it would be too lonely. ”

"But when I went to a meeting at the Faculty of Arts last week, I saw her sitting on a little boy's lap. Later, I was told that he was a graduate student in the Department of Psychology and that he was eight years younger than Ida. Hye-e-e, a Korean girl who always wears thick makeup like a female ghost, said. Once it may be that Huijiang didn't have time to put on makeup, Lin Wanyi saw that her face was pitted and there were many black spots.

Lin Wanyi felt bored. Don't look at what they say about Ida behind their backs, don't you still slap her in person? Hui Jiang and Mary chose Ida to be the head of the dissertation defense committee. It seems that foreign women like to talk about people's lengths and weaknesses behind their backs, just like Thai women. The root of human inferiority is the same.

Perhaps seeing the impatience on Lin Wanyi's face, Xiaoqing walked over, patted Lin Wanyi's shoulder, and asked in a low voice:

"Lin Wanyi, how are you doing these days?"

"It's fine, the same as before." Lin Wanyi smiled tiredly. They always spoke Chinese together, and they ignored them despite protests in the office. Thais speak English among themselves, which is always weird. "That's what they do

Speaking ill of Ida? It's cruel. ”

"yes, it doesn't mean much. I'm going to the computer lab, how about you? Xiaoqing picked up her schoolbag.

"I went to the library to read Chinese novels." Lin Wanyi yawned and said.

The snow has stopped outside. The snow turns into water on the road that has been sprinkled with salt, and the snow on the side of the road is also gray-brown, which is very ugly. Lin Wanyi walked listlessly, her black canvas schoolbag dragging long to her hips. She doesn't remember being like that when she was back home.

"Anna, you're so beautiful." Lin Wanyi complimented Anna from Mexico. Anna's facial features are very good, but she looks a little old, and her hair is too heavy. Today she wears a navy blue shirt, a long skirt with white dots on a blue background, and a white silk scarf, which is loosely tied around her neck.

"Thank you." Anna patted Lin Wanyi's shoulder. Because they are all foreigners, they should be affectionate with each other.

"Lin Wanyi, how are you doing lately?" Anna asked with concern.

"How so?" Lin Wanyi sighed, "It's okay, but I'm always unhappy and very depressed." ”

"Are you too lonely? Do you live alone? Anna's eyes were very sincere, and she raised her legs and sat on Lin Wanyi's table.

"Shared with an American couple and a Japanese girl. But there was nothing to say to them. Maybe it's a cultural difference. She laughed to herself.

"You have Thai friends, right?"

"There are a few, but I don't talk about it much. Even with them, I felt lonely. Lin Wanyi held her cheeks with one hand, and there was a very depressing thing in her tone. She was telling the truth.

"It was the same when I first came. I have no friends, and I cry on the weekend. Anna showed a sense of empathy, "Later, I went to see a psychiatrist. There, I got to know some foreign students who were in a similar situation to me, and when we talked about it, I felt much more relaxed. ”

Lin Wanyi didn't believe it much. When she was in China, even if she had so many good friends, she often felt lonely and lonely, felt that she was out of place with others, and lived in a different world. I remember that before going abroad, one night, it was also late at night, and those little buddies who often played with her were playing mahjong in the opposite room. Usually, she always accompanies them and makes them supper, but that night she had to teach the students the next day, so she went back to her room first.

She lived alone. A large room, in addition to a bed, is a desk, and a log bookshelf full of books. It was empty, and the walls were a miserable white color. She lay on the bed, turned off the lights, and stared at the sycamore leaves outside the window. From time to time, the noisy laughter of the little brothers came, and she could hear it, but she felt that it was in another world that had nothing to do with her. She didn't know who she was, and she felt that her self during the day and her self at night were not the same person. She couldn't sleep, turned on the tape recorder, and listened to the song she had heard many times:

Gently hold your face

Wipe away your tears for you

This heart will always be yours

You're no longer alone......

Who can wipe away my tears, who can say to me that his heart belongs to me forever! Lin Wanyi was very sad. She thought about Lang Zhisong, they had just received their marriage certificate, so that Lang Zhisong could go abroad through "accompanying reading" in the future. But to her, Lang Zhisong still seems to be a stranger! They have known each other for three years, when did Lang Zhisong say "This heart will always belong to you, and you will no longer be alone"? Maybe Lang Zhisong loves her, but he never said "I love you" to her, he just said that he would never go to another woman again. Lin Wanyi didn't have a sense of belonging, how she wished she could completely belong to one person! The heart is no longer turbulent, no longer adrift.

But she couldn't stop. In her emotional world, it seems that there is always no station, no end, she can only keep trekking and struggling. She was so tired, so tired. If there is a big tree in front of me that allows me to dock and knock away the mud and sand in my shoes, then I will no longer wander and drift. She used to think so. But...... Lang Zhisong is a very loyal person, perhaps, he is the big tree, but Lin Wanyi did not end the journey, she struggled, not believing that everything in front of her was everything in her dreams, everything she hoped she had. "I've suffered so much and paid so much, not for this, no!" Whenever her friends advised her to be realistic, she always replied like this. For which ones? She didn't know.

Lin Wanyi knew she was going to lose sleep again. She began to get irritable. Suddenly, the sound of the opposite door annoyed her. In particular, the sound of mahjong tiles on the wooden table "sighing" pulled her nerves like a sharp saw.

She couldn't hold it anymore and gritted her teeth to keep herself from screaming hysterically. She lay on the bed and pressed her head against a pillow. Don't do that, don't!

She jumped out of bed, barefoot, wearing only a short nightdress, opened the door, and stepped into the room across the door: "You-can-can-can-light-light?" She roared through gritted teeth. Her hair was unkempt, her face was flushed, and her eyes were on fire. They treated her like a brother and sister, and let her do everything. However, I never saw her angry, but sometimes she was very coquettish. So, they didn't care and continued to concentrate on playing, and one of them even quipped: "Lin Wanyi, you're jealous if you don't let you play, aren't you?" You're simply not qualified. The other said, "Go back to sleep, don't you have to go to class tomorrow?" It's late, and the student is going to the head of the department to sue you again. "Lin Wanyi's perfunctory class is famous.

Lin Wanyi's whole body trembled and stopped talking. She stood in the doorway for a few seconds, then broke into the table in three steps and two steps, and pushed all the mahjong to the ground with three and two clicks. Only then did they know that Lin Wanyi was really hot. But they didn't say anything, put a bath towel on the table, and continued to play.

Lin Wanyi returned to the room and sat on the bed in a daze, unable to come back to her senses for a long time. She subconsciously turned on the cassette recorder to the maximum volume, which was rock music with a strong rhythm. The person next door knocked on the wall, and she ignored it.

"I can't stand it, I can't stand it." Lin Wanyi scurried around the house like a besieged beast.

She didn't know what she was looking for, what she wanted to do, it wasn't because of their noise, no, she understood, she just felt hopeless, she felt bored and felt disappointed in everything, desperate, everything was not what she imagined, not what she wanted. No one can understand her, no.

She began to cry. The deafening music gave her a feeling of being trapped on an island. Surrounded by the vast sea, she had nowhere to go. To escape or not to escape is a dead end. Everyone else is alive and well on the shore. There was no light in front of her, she couldn't see anything. These "buddies" and she are not people of the same world, they are happy every day. Lang Zhisong was far away from her, and he never knew her. She painfully discovers that there is only herself in her world. She began to weep silently......

The next day, Lin Wanyi went to the hospital to see the neurology department. With tears in her eyes, she said to the old doctor, "I have a nervous disorder.

I can't sleep, and I have nightmares when I fall asleep. I'm so lonely, but when I feel lonely, I don't want to deal with people.

I cried a lot and felt bored to be alive. ”

The old doctor looked at her charitentiously and said with a smile: "You are not sick, it may be that you are too sentimental and have a nervous breakdown." Take some Chinese medicine, and you want to prescribe some of everything. He prescribed a Chinese medicine prescription for Lin Wanyi. Lin Wanyi didn't eat it, she knew it was useless to eat.

Why can't you escape that loneliness and loneliness all the time! Lin Wanyi didn't understand it very much.

"Lin Wanyi, do you have a boyfriend here?" Anna asked her with a smile.

"This ......," Lin Wanyi thought of Lin Jinrong. But she knew, and everyone in the office knew she was married.

"Nope." She denied it.

"Ahh Anna raised her eyebrows in surprise. "You Thai people are incredible! You're alone, one

Person! No wonder you're unhappy. Anna shouted.

"Anna, don't you know I'm married?" Lin Wanyi felt disgusted for herself, she didn't understand why

What is it necessary to pretend to be loyal? Probably can't get rid of the hypocrisy of the Thai people, right?

"But he's still in Thailand! Are you husband and wife? Lin Wanyi knew that Anna was originally unmarried in Boston

Husband, it was too far away, separated, and found another one in Cornell.

"He'll be in the U.S. in a while. Their unit stipulates that he can only apply for it if I have been out for more than a year

Come. Lin Wanyi knew that Anna would not understand this. But that's exactly what happened. Just a few months after coming, Lin Wanyi put it

The bank certificate was sent back, but Lang Zhisong's school did not approve him. Lin Wanyi sometimes thinks this is providence. If Lang Zhisong

If she could come last semester, she wouldn't go to Lin Jinrong during the winter vacation, and her life wouldn't be like this, there are so many

Pain. It's an unspeakable pain. She was also saddened that the opportunity for a reunion between husband and wife was completely wanted

Bestowed!

"But no matter what, you have to have someone with you. Alone," Anna said, with a pained expression, "too."

It's hard. Would you like to find you a Mexican boy? ”

Lin Wanyi burst out laughing. "Thank you, Anna, I'm going to feel uncomfortable talking about love in English." at

In Lin Wanyi's view, only Chinese can express the lingering, the melancholy, the enthusiasm and the pain. she

I never thought of getting involved with men from other countries.

Even with Lin Jinrong, she is still lonely. It's at least a five-hour drive from here to New York, and she won't drive, either

I don't have a car, I take "Johnson" or someone else's car every time, and every time I am very tired, so tired that she sometimes does

I really want to put an end to this. Lin Wanyi has never been accompanied by him!

There is another kind of loneliness. Lying in Lin Jinrong's arms, she was still lonely. When two people's flesh is united

When there was no gap, she still felt that there was still a long distance between her and him. That's never going to be done

Target. At such times, she is always surprised that the two people who just loved each other like this are, in fact, ten of each other

Strange. Don't say anything about heart-to-heart connection, vein-to-vein, it's her bitter love for him, how can he

Understand? How could he know all that she had done for him? Lin Wanyi is often sad about this. In the world, there is more than the heart

Don't the people you love understand that they are more lonely? You are weeping for him, suffering for him, sacrificing for him, despairing for him,

But he watched the fire from the other side, and watched it all coldly.

When the night is as quiet as water, talk to him quietly in your heart. Tell him: love you, with life...... The wind shakes

The leaves outside the moving window rustled, and a cold air continued to penetrate through the cracks in the glass. Expect him to have

Echo, hoping that his pulse was disturbed, because it would be the electromagnetic waves of his thoughts interfering, looking forward to him coming into himself

Hold your own hand in your own dreams...... Nothing. Even if you talk with your heart, how can there ever be an echo! A white night

Watch the shadow of the moon move westward, and pray for him to come in at dawn and wipe away the tears from the corners of his eyes; Bloody dusk, dragging exhaustion

's footsteps, hoping that there is a piece of paper from him in the mailbox...... Nothing.

"Anna, do you love your boyfriend?" Lin Wanyi wanted to take it easy.

"I like him a lot. He's funny. However, I found it nice to have a Brazilian in the art department. Last night

We went to the bar and danced together. Of course, my current boyfriend doesn't know. "Anna was very proud.

"Will you marry him?" Lin Wanyi asked very seriously.

"How is that possible! I never thought I'd get married. That's forty years old. I'm looking for a boyfriend,

It's just to not be alone. ”

Lin Wanyi understands, she can understand everyone. But she couldn't do it herself. She chooses a man, for sure

It's because I love him. Since she loves, she wants to stay together. Originally, when she was in China, she considered herself the most liberated

, because she always said, "If you love each other, you will stay together, and there may not be marriage." "She loves Lin Jinrong, and she hopes not to be separated.

Therefore, she always has a panic of being afraid of being lost. Without him, I'll die, she used to think.

"Anna, will you be sad if you break up with him?" Lin Wanyi wants to be in any emotional ups and downs

Suffer much.

"Not necessarily. If he was the best, of course I would be sad. If not, probably not. ”

"But you've been together for a long time, it's always not easy to separate, right?"

"Why isn't it easy? Just say goodbye. If you really get along well, you can still be friends in the future. ”

Lin Wanyi can't do it. She thought that unless she didn't love deeply, she would be so free. Either never meet, to

Never separate, no other choice. If you are deeply in love, any contact after a breakup can only be a kind of backlash

The pain of memory. Sometimes, she doesn't understand why she always can't give up so much? Emotionally, she

Always fully devoted to herself, when she suffers too much, she also hopes to be calm, but she is always chic.

She thought it might be because of the culture. Thais are too emotional, in fact, perhaps too valuary, and not pragmatic.

She was often stunned by the way Westerners deal with feelings, but she just couldn't learn it.

Lin Jinrong also told her: "We can be good friends. She said categorically: "Impossible! ”

She didn't know if she was too greedy to give up what she had gotten. Although, she is also sober at times: put

There is no difference between giving up and receiving. There is nothing in the world that lasts forever in life. After getting it,

Maybe you find that it's not what you want, and then you will automatically give up; But before she got it, she didn't

No matter what, I won't give up.

Lin Jinrong didn't make her less lonely, and since it all began, she felt more lonely. Especially in her opinion

When you are hurt and you have no way to talk about it. She misses him and calls to her, and every night, it becomes a long time

Grow up. When she lost sleep, she silently recited his name with tears in her eyes; After falling asleep, in the dream she looked for him everywhere, and finally only

Can stand in the wind and cry sadly...... Because she loved him, she locked herself in the room every day after class to write to him.

On the phone, not wanting to see people, not wanting to talk to people. She always felt that as soon as she opened her mouth, she would be in front of others

Crying bitterly. She gradually distanced herself from others. Lin Jinrong often hurt her hard, she was in pain, but it was difficult

In order to appeal to people - at this time, she will have a feeling of being abandoned by the world.

"Lin Wanyi, don't care too much, don't pursue too much, don't think about the result. Then you will be happy

Many. Anna persuaded like a philosopher.

Lin Wanyi felt the same way. But how? Her nature is to care too much and pursue too much,

I want to know the result!