In late February 2005, a new semester arrived. It stands to reason that the new semester is supposed to bring new hopes and expectations, but the reality is like a mischievous clown, often making people cry and laugh. During this period, my heart was like an overturned five-flavor bottle, mixed with sweet and sour.

After returning to school, although I still kept in touch with Amei, her attitude towards me changed dramatically, even like a white cloud dog. This makes me wonder.

One day, I couldn't resist sending her a text message: "Mei, what are you doing?" ”

After waiting for a long time, I finally waited for her reply: "Please stop calling me 'Mei'!" Can you just call me by my name in the future? ”

At the time, I was confused: I used to call her that, but she never reacted so much? What the hell is going on now? Why is it so sensitive?

So, I asked with some anxiety: "I used to call you that?" Why is it suddenly ...... now?"

She replied, "It's not a good name, it's too intimate." ”

To change the subject, I wrote uneasily, "Okay! I especially want to talk to you today! ”

After a long time, she replied: "Let's contact less in the future!" ”

"Why?"

"I think we need to spend more time studying!"

……

At that time, I was a little confused and asked in surprise, "Do you have something to worry about?" ”

It took about twenty minutes before she replied, "No! ”

"And what's wrong with you? …… I'm worried about you! ”

"I'm such a big person, you don't have to worry!"

……

Taking the above information as an example, for the relatively intimate text messages I sent, she either did not reply, or it took a long time to reply, and the wording of each reply was relatively cold, like a cup of soaked honey, constantly added to boiled water, and the original sweetness became diluted.

You know, a semester ago, we were quite enthusiastic in text messages, but now even the virtual world has become so unfamiliar! In this regard, I am walking on thin ice, for fear that I will say the wrong thing and do the wrong thing, and gradually dare not be "presumptuous"; Liking is certainly presumptuous, but admitting love requires restraint.

As a result, I became more and more silent.

❤❤❤

February 25, 2005

As soon as I stepped into the city, it was like taking a piece of cloth and stuffing my mouth, and I unconsciously became silent. I'm also trying to make myself happy, but why do I keep holding back – I can't help but hold back?

Don't ask me why? Because your question will make me even more sad; What I desire is self-evident, and what I hope for is the participation of the heart.

So, I think you must understand - you will use encouragement and care instead of asking questions, and even if you do, it will be a gentle and seductive "teasing" that you ask knowingly!

Ah! My dear, who is called, I am on this side of Fujian, and you are on the other side of Fujian!

❤❤❤

One Saturday morning in early March, Ah Yi suddenly called me, saying that Ah Hui was coming from Quanzhou to find him in the afternoon and invited me to go out for dinner in the student street in the evening.

At that time, the picture that Ah Yi had told me before immediately flashed in my mind, thinking about what kind of beauty Ah Hui was, and how she could make the "unruly" Ah Yi so obedient. However, I quickly realized that this was a date between the two of them, and I was a "third party" who was not good at participating in it.

So, a little embarrassed, he said: "Ah Yi, isn't it a little inappropriate for me to eat with you two?" ”

Ah Yi asked rhetorically, "What's inappropriate?" ”

I said bluntly, "So I'm not being a light bulb?" ”

Ah Yi smiled and said: "We are so familiar, it doesn't matter if he has a light bulb or not, as long as you don't come to soak my girl!" ”

I also smiled and said, "As long as your mouth is poor, I naturally don't dare!" Of course not! ”

At half past six o'clock in the evening, the student street of Normal University, the lights were on at the beginning of the day, and the voices were boiling.

This is not a busy street of food stalls, nor is it a Japanese-style izakaya like a late-night canteen, but just a simple place of fireworks in the world. However, the students of the University have a deep love for their student street, which is a paradise for their taste buds to indulge in, and it is also a portrayal of their 20-year-old youth.

Here, there are a variety of tempting delicacies: Northeast grilled cold noodles with iron plate Q bombs, large chicken thighs with special sauce and crispy, Taiwanese roasted meatballs with strong cheese flavor, and Internet celebrity ice cream with a fairy spirit......

Here, because of the gathered students, the smoke of youth is everywhere, and even the label of "dirty and messy" cannot hide the charm here. Shopping for goods, late-night masturbation, the intersection of dopamine joy, and the show-off of young capital. Finding a feeling of freedom and chasing never-ending feelings is the real king.

The students are already familiar with the foraging map here. At the "McDonald's" store at the corner of the street, I quickly found the seats of Ah Yi and Ah Hui.

Seeing that I had arrived as promised, Ah Yi greeted me warmly, and before I could sit down, he introduced Ah Hui beside me: "Hui Hui, this is my best brother, Ah Song!" ”

Ah Hui raised her head, her youthful face was filled with a bright smile, and she said softly: "Ah Song, it's a pleasure to meet you, I often hear Ah Yi mention you." ”

Although I was a little uncomfortable, I still responded politely: "Ah Hui, I'm also glad to meet you!" ”

After that, Ah Yi and I sat side by side, and Ah Hui sat opposite us. Ah Hui in front of him, graceful and beautiful, bright eyes and bright teeth, under the straight nose bridge, a proper cherry mouth, facial features are quite classical beauty, looks very similar to Yang Gongru, no wonder Ah Yi can be fascinated by all kinds of meat and vegetables.

Ah Yi saw me blushing and looking at my Ah Hui, and a proud look bloomed on his face, like a rooster that thought the sun had risen because he heard its crow.

He grinned happily at me and said, "Ah Song, look at my wife's beauty!" ”

Before Ah Hui could react, I blurted out: "Beautiful! Pretty! ”

Ah Hui Wan'er smiled, glanced at me generously, and seemed to say to an acquaintance: "Ah Song, don't listen to his nonsense!" ”

Seeing that we were all chatting, Ah Yi said jokingly: "In the evening, Huihui and I originally wanted to have a romantic candlelight dinner, but unfortunately, we couldn't find a candlelit steak restaurant in the student street. ”

I covered my mouth and laughed, "Haha...... It's too much worse, okay? ”

Ah Yi retorted: "Actually, it's just a candlelight, so I just make the light a little brighter and call your shining light bulb, haha......"

I patted Ah Yi on the back and said to Ah Hui: "Ah Hui, you see that my brother Yi is bright and open, ask me to be your romantic witness!" After saying that, even I admired my own flash of inspiration.

After finishing the meal, the three of us walked out of McDonald's and walked into the bustling student street. At this time, Ah Yi suddenly spoke: "Ah Song, you said that you are a witness, so do you want to go to the movies with us?" ”

I smiled and shook my head: "No, if I go this time, it's really a big light bulb!" ”

After saying goodbye to each other, Ah Yi sweetly took Ah Hui's hand and walked slowly towards the depths of the student street, while I stood still, looking at them with envy in my eyes, until they faded away and disappeared into the crowd......

In the middle of the night, I returned to my accommodation alone, lying on the bed tossing and turning, unable to sleep for a long time.

The starlight outside the window was bright, like pearls scattered in the dark, winking at me, I couldn't help the impulse in my heart one after another, and sent a message to tell Amei: "Amei, the night in Fuzhou tonight is so beautiful, in such a night, I miss you very much!" ”

After a while, she texted back: "Don't keep saying that, I feel bad like this!" ”

I was stunned for a moment, and then replied, "Why? ”

She didn't reply, and after waiting for a long time, I was very tormented in my heart, and finally couldn't help but ask again: "Amei, what's wrong with you lately?" I think you've been avoiding me right now? ”

However, she still did not reply. I fell into a deep confusion and uneasiness about her silence...... Waiting, waiting, I slowly fell asleep.

When I woke up in the middle of the night, I habitually turned on my phone and saw a text message from her: "I already have a boyfriend!" ”

I rubbed my eyes in panic and pinched my thighs so hard that I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

However, it did say so on the text message, and it was true, I really ...... That's true!

In an instant, my heart was like glass that was squeezed strongly, bah! All at once it was shattered!

The past, like a movie, kept playing out in my mind. I recalled the bits and pieces of the two of them: from the first meeting when my uncle took me to her house as a guest last summer, to the frequent text message interaction between us last semester, to the panic situation when I went to her house to find her during the winter vacation, and finally to the embarrassing scene when she came to my house for the Chinese New Year...... Grief and despair surged over my heart like a flood.

One of the important functions of memory is to organize my thoughts, and I try to find clues about "love" from them. In the end, she concluded far-fetchedly: the sentence "I already have a boyfriend" was her joke; I even imagined that the sentence "I already have a boyfriend" was her mischievously admitting "I am her boyfriend"!

However, there are many doubts and flaws: if she admits that "I'm her boyfriend", why has she been avoiding me lately? Alienate me? …… I sat still, like a prisoner waiting for a judge to pronounce my sentence.

Do you want to sit back and wait?

How to express her inner world of great pain?

Because I had nothing to do, I had to edit the text messages on my phone repeatedly, constantly scrutinizing the sentences, deleting and writing, writing and deleting. In the end, only a few short words were written: "Who are you talking about your boyfriend?" ”

Unexpectedly, I received her reply a minute later: "He is in Shishi!" ”

At that time, when I saw the message, my eyes almost popped out, and I pinched my thighs desperately, how I wished it was in a dream!

However, when I was convinced that I was not dreaming, my body became extremely heavy, as if I was carrying the weight of the whole world. My heart was like a collapsed castle, and in an instant the world was drowned in darkness.

I curled up in the dark corner of the room, clutching at my hair, biting my lip so hard that I let the tears flow down like the Pacific Ocean, blurring my eyes and drowning the corners of my mouth.

Even the starlight outside the window was gloating, they were so dazzling, as if they were mocking me, laughing at me, making me feel completely lonely and hopeless.

All night, my heart was cut like a knife, sometimes screaming, sometimes crying. As the light of dawn shined through the window, I sent her a message with trembling fingers: "When did this happen? ”

After the message was sent, I was on pins and needles, and I couldn't imagine what kind of response I would receive.

It wasn't until around seven o'clock in the morning that the phone finally vibrated and my heart felt like it had experienced a strong earthquake, and I struggled to open the flip cover of the phone and saw her reply: "I have known him since last summer!" ”

When I saw this message, my heart seemed to be crushed by an invisible boulder, and I wrote on my phone with trembling hands: "How did you meet? ”

I vividly remember that I typed these words for more than an hour, and the whole process was even more painful and lengthy than purgatory.

She replied, "He was my colleague from my internship last summer, we did the design together, and he was the director. ”

Seeing his reply, it was as if the snake gall all over the world was churning in my stomach, I couldn't bear it, and wanted to spit out this bitterness, but as soon as this thing came to my mouth, I swallowed it back hard, leaving a mouthful of bitterness.

I replied heartbrokenly, "So what are we?" ”

Sort of friends, she said.

……

Her words, like a sharp dagger, pierced my heart mercilessly. I was scarred and struggled to recall with a faint breath: when my uncle and I went to her house last summer, she had actually returned from her internship in Shishi. I remembered that two months ago, when I went to her house to look for her, she chose to go to Quanzhou......

Who did she go to Quanzhou to? Now it's finally out!

When the truth was revealed, only a silent sigh echoed in my heart: it turned out that everything was fake! It's so horrible to fake, and I'm so sad to take it for real!

Oh, my God! How can I accept this so-called truth? Oh earth! How can I accept this sad truth?

At this time, the birds outside the window were so noisy, the flowers turned into stinging cacti, and I was lying dying on the sand dunes, with an endless desert in front of me.

At that time, there was even a surge of hatred in my heart, I couldn't imagine how she could be so hateful? I can't imagine how she could cheat on my feelings like this? …… If she were an actress, she would definitely win the Best Actress award!

The saddest thing in the world is when you meet someone who you think is right, but you know that you can't be together. There are some stories that no one will leave except memories; There is some helplessness, and no one will say anything except silence; There are some things that no one will understand except yourself.

On March 19, 2005, in a trance, I wrote these sentences in my notebook that were not smooth, but were painful from the heart:

❤❤❤

Does this count as a broken love? But how could I think of such words?

I was alone; Naturally, my heart is infinitely worried!

But who knows what I'm worried about?

I don't ask anyone to know, because no one but you can make it go away.

If you can't feel the slightest bit of it, how can my concern be different from floating in the water?

Sad, sad, sad......

Here, I am terrified and frightened all day long;

And you over there, but the so-called "can't help it"!

I haven't been in touch for a day, who is to blame? Blame me?

But I was really scared to see the shocking news coming from the other end of the phone!

Am I too uncourageous?

But even if I had the so-called courage, so what?

Will you be able to change your mind? Can you keep some distance from him?

Woohoo, woohoo, woohoo......

Why arrange such suffering?

But I'd rather believe that it was God's test for me!

I am not afraid of trials, and I am never afraid;

I am sincere, and my love is stronger than gold......

Oh, sweetheart, please listen to me,

If you are "pure" in your heart, can you treat him as a friend?

It's just an ordinary friend (it's normal to have friends of the opposite sex)?

Confused, confused, confused......

I asked myself, "Which is more important, emotion or life?" ”

I know that sometimes shark fin and bear's paw cannot be combined on the road of life.

But I regard feelings as life, and without you, it's like killing me!

I finally have nothing more to say, and perhaps no matter how much I say, it will be in vain.

I only sincerely hope that you will remember the past between us and forget me......